Edge Of the Earth
by Rosecrystals
Summary: At age 6 Sam Monroe's fairytale life ended. At age 12 he became a drug addict. 4 years later Sam is barely alive, but everything is about to change. For better and for worse. A look into his past, present, and future with Alyssa by his side.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue

Everything looks perfect from a distance. In the case of Laguna Beach that couldn't have been farther from the truth. Multi-million houses, palaces almost, lined the Southern California coast. An outline to the glittering ocean. A mask to hide what was really there. Deep-seated misery flowing out of a boy's cigarette.

His sickly thin body was draped lazily over patio furniture. He looked up, the sun illuminating the streak of turquoise in his spiky black hair and his matching set of blue-green eyes. He was bathed in sunlight, his already pale skin a transparent milky white, casting an ethereal glow about him. But no one would make the mistake of thinking he was an angel. He had fallen a long time ago.

His eyes changed…anguished.

_He was somewhere else. By a rotting hovel of a house perched on the rocky coastline. It was his birthday. He was six and free. Innocent. Happy._

_He ran into his father's arms. He felt kisses on his cheeks as his father walked him down to the beach. He giggled as the ocean current lifted them both off the sea floor. The little boy looked up into his father's steel gray eyes and smiled wide enough to break his face. "Thank you daddy." _

"_I love you, Sam." His father replied, kissing the little boy's hair lovingly._

_The water was warm and Sam had never been so happy._

_Suddenly everything was cold and the sky was overcast. The rain came down from the sky like liquid bullets. They drops were like ice on Sam's skin. He ran as quickly as his six year old body could carry him. "Daddy!" he screamed. _

_The lightning illuminated George's house and it was Sam's beacon of hope. "Daddy!"_

_He crashed into George and he picked Sam up, kissing his head. His mother took him from George's arms. "Let me stay!" He screamed through torrential downpour. George shook his head slowly, his eyes hauntingly sad._

_A beautiful house. A step-father, two little step-brothers brothers. Robin, Sam's pretty mother on the living room couch with a baby in her arms. A blond two year old sitting by her. A pepper gray haired man, kissing her cheek._

_Sam felt betrayal. She took away his happiness and she was overjoyed about it. _

_Feeling his step-fathers hands grip his frail arms and look at him with eyes of stone. "I'm sick of your attitude. You should be grateful you live in such a nice house. It's because of me you have food in your stomach. Your dead beat father can't take care of you. You should be thankful for my charity. You should be thankful you have such a loving mother. It's because of her you don't live with your loser dad or on the streets. If it were up to me you wouldn't be here. You're not my son and you'll never be."_

_The 10 year old boy furrowed his brows. "I don't want you to be my father!"He felt the knife sharpener hit him on the side of his face, a welt rising from his jaw-line up to his cheek._

_He was running through the night, his screams of agony breaking the silence._

_A couple of boys told him which ones to take. 12 year old Sam reached into the medicine cabinet. Oxycodon in bold letters. Two pills down his throat._

_He was so dizzy; he fell in his bedroom, his head smashing into his dresser. His mother found him 20 minutes later with his eyes fixed to the ceiling, a gash on his temple. She held his head in her hands and cried._

Sam was sixteen again, snapped out of his thoughts, a tear of inky black falling down his cheek. He rubbed his eye and his eye-shadow smudged all over his face. And then something in his eyes changed. They turned into emotionless ice. His expression hardened. He rose from the patio chair, standing at his full towering height and kicked the ashtray into the pool. It sunk but the ash from it coated some water on the surface. Little cigarette butts bobbed around in it and he smiled dryly. Maybe one day he'd be one of those broken joints bobbing away in the ocean and not this little pool, drawing his last broken breaths, with his face to the sky remembering the day he turned six and his father took him to the waves.


	2. Nightmares, Fairytales, and Young Love

_Part I_

_Chapter I_

_Nightmares, Fairytales, and Young Love_

_He could always count on dad._

Lately that hadn't been true. Sam was 7 now. His mother and he lived in a low rent apartment. It wasn't a bad part of town, no gunshots. The area was unsightly, there weren't really maintenance people to fix things and the people who lived there worked minimum wage jobs, but drug deals didn't happen in hallways. A lot.

It didn't matter, though. It wasn't open like the ramshackle by the sea. It was always noisy. The neighbors were rude. Sometimes when Sam would play raucously they'd yell through the walls.

If he watching a cartoon on TV and he laughed or he was playing with his truck and he squealed they'd shout. 'Shut the fuck up!"

Once as he was waiting for his mother to come outside into the hallway for a stroll to the convenience store a grisly looking man with a stained shirt and greasy hair burst outside his room.

"Will you stop making so much goddamn noise, kid! Some people like to sleep at this hour. Your mother should teach you manners."

Robin stepped out into the hallway and gave him a nasty look. "Maybe your mother should've taught you some manners. DO you enjoy scaring innocent children?"

"Get your ugly fucking face and get the fuck out of here and take your little bastard with you."

Sam looked frightened, his face suspended in a frozen shock. He'd heard people swear before, but he'd never been yelled at with that much anger or seen someone treat his mother so badly.

He tugged on his mother's sleeve, "Come'on mommy." He said in a high pitched voice laced with the slightest fear.

"No, you stand there and cover your ears, okay Sammie. Can you do that for me?"

He nodded and pressed his palms against his ears. Robin then unleashed her fury.

"Maybe if you didn't drink into the afternoon you wouldn't be woken up by other people. In case you haven't noticed people do things during the day, but I guess you're so busy getting wasted you forgot how to use your brain."

"I swear to god , lady, if you don't get out of my face right now I'll have no problem slapping that bitchy attitude out of you!"

"Go back into your room and snort some coke. It would help with that beer gut you have."

He looked livid at that moment, his teeth were clenched. He swung forward and Sam watched in horror, his ears no longer covered as their neighbor went for his mother. But he had a nasty hangover and ended up falling on his face.

Robin turned around and faced Sam. She took his hand and they walked off .

Of course that incident didn't really solve much. The neighbors were still impossibly rude. But Sam learned not to make noise until they were outside the building. He learned to daydream.

Those weren't really enjoyable either because he always saw his old house and George with his eccentric sense of humor running around it or making up some sort of crazy game that only he and Sam knew about. The daydreams would always end the same way too.

George standing in the doorway of their house, watching Sam glumly as Robin carried him away. Sam kicked and screamed for his dad. But Robin put him in the car. He knew how to get the window down and pressed the button.

He could hear the rain falling in sheets. He screamed an uneven "Dad!" His voice cracking.

George stood at the door, a dejected look on his face.

"Why isn't he coming to save me?" Sam thought with panic.

The windows of the car weren't very big, but Sam had a very slight frame. He slipped out and fell onto the slick ground. He heard his mother yelling.

Sam ran over the yard his feet sinking in the mud. He crashed into George. George picked him up and held Sam's head to his cheek, his big hand covering the back of Sam's head. He kissed Sam's forehead.

"I love you, Sam." He whispered with a pain that radiated even through the wind and thunder.

"Tell mommy to let me stay here."

"I can't do that, Sam."

Sam tightened his grip on his father. Robin was now on the doorstep trying to pull Sam away. Sam released an ear splitting scream, tears running down his face. Eventually she got him. As much as he fought and kicked she got him. George didn't even try to fight. That seemed like the ultimate betrayal. George always brightened a sour day. He always saved Sam from Robin's moods. But he gave Sam up with an ease that hurt Sam. Wasn't he worth fighting for? Did George really even love him?

Sam cried confused tears as his mother carried him back to the car. He took off his seatbelt and lay down. The cloudy sky was broken by trees as his mother drove in a pattern, tree, sky, tree, sky. It made Sam slightly dizzy. He cried until he fell asleep.

His daydreams always ended the same way. They always ended on that evening when Sam's fairytale life ended.

He didn't really know what he preferred, living in a house where his parents constantly fought or living here with no family, the stillness forcing him back into his thoughts. He didn't want to think, you always found the truth that way. He wanted to forget. There was no way to do that, though. All his toys reminded him of George because George gave them to Sam. Any cartoon reminded him of his father because they watched them together.

Sam couldn't make up games to play with his mother. She was never in the mood. She'd sit on the couch in front of the TV with a numb face, the glow of the TV looking like lightning on her features. She didn't react to anything that happened on whatever show they were watching.

Most nights after work she fell asleep on the couch. She'd still be asleep in the morning when Sam had to go to school. He'd find whatever was in the fridge, lunchables. There were never enough of them. Robin didn't have the money to buy a lot. Sam would make his own PB&J sandwiches.

Chalk it up to being a first grader, but Sam was incredibly shy. He usually ate alone. He remembered having friends in kindergarten, but since the move he went to a different school and making friends was not as easy as it looked. Especially since most seven-year old boys were rowdy. Sam used to be. He was a little nightmare with endless energy. Lately he felt too old for his years. He'd lose interest in the games he was playing with his classmates and would go to a concrete ledge and spend the rest of recess there. His eyes would follow cracks in the pavement. His teacher would walk over concerned. Mrs. Loughman, or loafy as the other kids called her would sit by him and suggest he play with the other children. When he'd answer a weary no she'd ask why. He wouldn't answer. She'd ruffle his hair and walk away.

When Sam stepped off the school bus in front of the apartment one afternoon his mother looked more stressed than usual. "I want to talk to you about something."

When he was inside Robin kneeled in front of him, holding his forearms. "Your teacher is worried about you. She says you don't play with the other children and you don't talk. She said I should send you to the school counselor. What's wrong, Sam?"

He tried to shake her hands off his arms. "I want daddy."

"Daddy can't take care of you, Sam. Daddy couldn't afford groceries. Your grandparents paid for your sixth birthday. "

Sam pulled away and screamed. "Daddy!" He let out a series of strange sounds, a hybrid of crying and screaming.

She wrapped her arms around him from behind. Sam yelled "Leave me alone!"

He didn't mean to do what he did next. He grabbed one of his toys and when she went to scoop him up he hit her in the face with it. She fell to the ground in pain and closed her eyes. When she lay down and curled her body in a fetal position Sam was horrified.

Robin didn't cry because of the pain in her cheek. She cried because she didn't know how she got to where she was. Despite everything she always believed she'd have a family. When it didn't turn into what she had expected she left. Sam deserved better, but lately she doubted that it was better. Her tears soaked the carpet and Sam ran out.

He ran into the forest by the apartment complex and sat by a tree. The sky turned a deep blue and the sounds of the forest scared him so he decided to go back. His mother was by the apartment entrance with a bunch of cops. She noticed him standing there and ran up to him.

'Where were you? I thought something terrible happened to you. You could be dead, right now. Do you understand?"

He relaxed in her arms and she petted the back of his little head. "I'm sorry, mommy." He whispered

The decisions Robin made were not fixed by subsequent decisions. They seemed to make things worse.

Sam got to see George during the weekends. George would at first glance seem unfazed by the separation. He'd play with Sam the way he used to.

Children are unexpectedly perceptive. Sam was no exception. He saw in his father's eyes an emptiness, a disappointed emptiness.

George would never let on that he felt this way. He pretended things were fine. But that look was always in his eyes. He could never fully enjoy his time with Sam because he knew it would end. He would always kiss Sam's head before Robin would take him home. Sam didn't cry anymore. That never changed anything. Mute resignation filled him every time Robin pulled him from George's limp arms.

Robin knew life wasn't easy for Sam. She started dating. She wanted to find Sam a good father. Not that George had been bad. He was a good man, but he couldn't provide. Sam like any child did not accept this. The only person Robin was allowed to be with was George.

Peter was his name. He ate over a lot. Sam didn't like this. Soon he started sleeping over. Sam hated it. One day after he'd gotten off the school bus he walked in he saw them kissing. He ran to his room and slammed the door. He took a porcelain figurine off his desk and threw it at the wall. It broke into pieces with a crash.

He dropped his backpack and ran out the door into the hallway. He went to the elevator and pressed the ground level button.

Sam's eyes glazed over. He tripped over a crack in asphalt, the skin coming off his knees. He got up and kept running. Into his secret hiding place. He leaned against a tree and cried, his knees bleeding down his legs. His face was covered in dirt and tears.

Robin found him and carried him back to the apartment. After she cleaned his wounds he slept all day. When she would shake him to eat he'd turn away.

There was nothing he could do about Peter. The more Robin saw him the more Sam hid his anger about it. The day they got married he threw himself down a flight of stairs and broke his arm. A cry for attention.

But it didn't stop the nightmare from happening. They moved into a palace of a house. And not even 5 months later Sam's mother told him he was going to be a big brother. Any other child would be excited. Sam cried in his room all day.

Sam wasn't happy when he had visitations with his father. He wanted his father to see how much he hated him.

He sat on the swing in George's backyard and let the wind wash over his face. Peace. He heard a little girl's voice fill the air.

"Sam!"

He opened his eyes. An auburn haired eight year old was running towards him, her pink floral dress billowing around her legs and the ribbons in her hair blowing behind her like streamers. "You're back, Sam!"

He jumped off the swing. "Lyssie!"

Alyssa beck crashed into him, her arms around him in a hug. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Let's play Prince and princess!" Alyssa jumped up and down.

"Do I get to kill dragons?"

"Duuuhhhh! You have to rescue me from SOMETHING."

"Cool." Sam smiled.

She dressed up in her Halloween costume. She gave him a foam sword. Her stuffed pony was the dragon. He was slain easily. The rest of the day Alyssa and Sam ate ice cream and marshmallows in the kitchen. Colleen walked in to find them, faces covered with marshmallow and dried ice cream. She crossed her arms.

Sam thought it was weird that he stopped dreaming about missing George and started dreaming of missing Alyssa. One night he dreamed they were much older, grown ups. She was a beautiful princess. He was a prince. They were best friends in the dream like they were in real life. One day some hooded figures came and too her away from him. In his dream he looked for her everywhere, but he couldn't find her. He was on a cliff, hot rivers streaming down his face. He jumped off and fell into the water, his crown bobbing away on the surface while he sunk under. Then he felt something pull him up. And there she was. Alyssa smiled and asked him why he did such a stupid thing.

As Sam became less and less of a child as the years went by his feelings about Alyssa changed. Whenever he was around her he felt his heart hammer against his ribs and butterflies in his stomach. He didn't know what that meant. Not until his fairytale dream ended differently. Not with her saving him.

He rescued her from the evil people. She walked toward him in golden sunlight wearing a blue dress. They looked into each other's eyes silently. She wrapped her arms around his neck. He kissed her. On the lips.

It was a dream, but when Sam woke up his lips tingled. He never told her about it. Ten year olds were still supposed to think the opposite gender had cooties.

The memories of Alyssa faded away as he lay on his bed six years later. Three oxycodon down his throat. The feeling of floating. He looked up at the ceiling high as a fucking kite. He closed his eyes and her lips were pressed against his. Not as a prince and princess. But as two 16 year olds. She stood on her toes and leaned into him. He felt soft skin, her creamy smooth back under his hands . The kiss lasted forever. No other girl could make him feel like that. Even in his highest of highs she could make him hard.

He fell asleep with the ghost pressure of her lips underneath his in a kiss that never happened. Alyssa. _Alyssa_ … _I wish you were mine. _


	3. Been a While

Part I

Chapter II

Been a While

The piercing shrill of Sam's alarm clock tore through his ears. Too early. Afternoon would've been too early too. He would've preferred that he didn't wake up at all.

Sam guessed that he probably thought of suicide at least half the time he was awake and sometimes in his sleep. If he dreamed that's what he dreamed of. He wished he had the balls to just do it. He'd thought of limitless ways. He could write a pretty thick book with all the different ways he imagined killing himself.

Fuck, he needed a cigarette. He went through his drawers, shutting them and pulling them out roughly. He found a half empty pack of Marlboro's.

When he went to get them his eyes caught a glimpse of something. George and him, in a Polaroid after the swim in the ocean. His sixth birthday. He stepped back, the wind knocked out of him. His room was littered with things and he stumbled over something. The walls rose up around him and the back of his head slammed onto the wooden end of his bed. He didn't remember hitting the ground. He groaned as his eyes opened and the blurriness adjusted itself to images. A flash of his younger self leaned against a tree and then the image of his father becoming smaller and smaller in torrential downpour, the car taking him far away.

He rolled onto his side and curled up into a ball. He felt a little wetness roll off his face. That made him angry. He sat up and kicked the drawer shut. "Fuck you!"

The warm water of the shower relaxed the tension in his body, but it didn't thaw the ice that coated his insides. He felt his scalp sting where his head had slammed onto the headboard. He touched it gingerly and felt something sticky. Sam looked expressionlessly at the crimson on his fingers. He wrapped a towel around his waist and found himself surprised at his reflection in the mirror. Sunken cheeks and skin too tight, too strained over bone. Sam felt ashamed. He was appalling. Sam knew he had never been attractive, but he felt pure embarrassment at how ugly his reflection was.

He felt better when he completed his daily ritual, of hiding himself under dark clothes and black eye makeup. It didn't fix his insecurity but softened the sharp edges of his shame. If he put on a mask he wouldn't have to face the truth.

He slipped on a gray long sleeve shirt and a black short sleeved one over it. He buttoned his loose cargo pants. They were looser than usual, barely staying on his slender hips. The pills had cut his appetite and he had lost some more weight. He slipped on a belt and put on his combat boots.

He walked down the stairs and he could hear the faint sound of speaking echoing up the stairway. They were talking about him. When he slipped out into view the room silenced. Yup, definitely talking about him.

"Talking about me behind my back? Useful in court."

Robin looked incredibly distressed and that amused Sam slightly. Peter looked up at Sam with disgust. 'Are you wearing eye makeup?"

Sam issued an emotionless no.

"Take it off."

"If I walked through the door right now who would be here for the follow through?" Sam knew the answer. He wanted to toy with Peter for a bit. He sipped Peter's orange juice making sure to backwash. Then he placed it in front of the businessman and eyed him venomously. "Have a nice flight." What he meant to say was "I hope your plane crashes and blows up."

He drove his unsightly station wagon to school, driving with one hand and smoking with the other. He honked, parked next to gray mansion. A redheaded boy stumbled out with a joint in his hand. He raised a bag of weed and flashed an intoxicated smile.

"Get in the fucking car." Sam said forcefully.

By the time Sam pulled in to the high school parking lot the redheaded boy had fallen asleep.

The trunk of Sam's stationwagon was open and he sat on the edge smoking. The school parking lot was full of students. To Sam's dismay the one person he hated more than anyone else happened to walk to park next to him with his topless red Porsche. Fucking show off. He heard the words "fucking freak". Josh walked over.

"Been thinking about the job?"

Sam looked up, his eyes icy and cold. "No."

"Hey, dude nice look." Said one of Josh's friends sarcastically.

Alyssa walked by. 'I saw your dad today."

Sam's eyes followed her as she walked towards the high school.

Josh's friend spoke again. "He's not gonna do it. Guess he doesn't have it in him."

Josh looked at Sam's car amusedly. "Is this a hatchback or a stationwagon?"

Sam fumed but kept a straight face.

"Think about it." Josh said coolly. Then he walked away. When he was out of sight Sam kicked the bumper of his car furiously. "Fucking prick." He said under his breath. Corey had fallen asleep in Sam' s car from a weed high. The jolt of the car woke up. "Dude, I was in total REM."

Sam shut his trunk. Corey half stepped out, half stumbled out. Sam waited a moment then keyed the back of Josh's Porsche.

English class was the only bearable class to Sam. But anything in the morning bored him senseless. The teacher was going over grammar. Even worse. Sam zoned out. Alyssa was sitting in the front and talking to her ugly red headed friend. Sam watched her with infatuation. She volunteered to correct the sentence on the chalkboard. She walked up and reached up. Her panties were slightly exposed and he could see the creamy skin of her waist and back. Sam sunk his chair lazily and got a better view. His breath caught as he imagined touching her there.

She walked back to her seat and noticed Sam's shameless stare. He made no move to look away. Alyssa smiled awkwardly and sat down at her desk. He zoned out again.

She was much younger in the vision of his mind. She was wearing a blue sundress with purple flowers on it. Her sandals were strappy and glittery. Her dress billowed up every time she went forward on the swing. Her slender legs hung carelessly. She threw her head back in a sweet laugh, her hair fanned out in the air. He walked behind her and pushed her on the swing. She giggled girlishly. The sound set his soul at ease. She whined, her sandals on the grass beneath her. He went around to get them. But he wasn't fast enough and she slammed into him. She crashed into his arms and laughed into his chest. Her arms wound around his waist. She was sweetly silent. "You're my best friend."

He rested his cheek atop her auburn hair. "You too."

That was 5 years ago. He hadn't so much as talked to her in 5 years. He could still smell the cheap cotton candy perfume she was wearing. He missed her even more when he saw hr with Josh. Holding him…kissing him. Something inside told him he belonged there, holding her , kissing her.

Sam took well advantage of the fact that it was the last week of school. He couldn't really be punished for breaking rules. He lit a cigarette outside the exit under a docking bay. A teacher looked at him questioningly. "You can't do that on school grounds."

Sam took the joint out of his mouth, it remained in between his fingers. He raised an eyebrow.

The teacher crossed his arms. "Put it out."

Sam spat on the ground and continued to smoke. The teacher shook his head. "I'm watching you kid."

Sam dropped it on the asphalt and put it out with his boot. Next period was already under way.

He walked into class cooly. The professor stopped the lesson he was introducing and turned to face Sam. "You're six minutes late."

"No big deal. You're just reviewing for our final."

"Which you're most likely going to fail."

A few kids in the front laughed mockingly. One of them was Alyssa's redhead friend. She whispered something into her boyfriend's ear. As he walked to his seat,, the boy said something barely above a whisper. Loud enough for Sam to hear, but not the professor.

"Busy taking it up the ass again, fag?"

"No, but you would know about that wouldn't you? If you're dying for some good ass-fucking I'd go to Josh for that. He knows how to hook a guy up."

"You would know, queer."

"Go fuck yourself. I'm sure your frigid girlfriend won't be letting you hit it anytime soon."

She put her hand to her mouth in shock. Sam sat down.

During lunch period he found a tree and sat down, his head phones blaring loud music into his ears. He closed his eyes, forgetting everything around him. Forgetting the way people stared and the insults they threw at him.

Alyssa sat down at the picnic table next to where Sam was sitting. Her redheaded friend sat down across from her. Alyssa opened her math book and started doing homework. Then she noticed a boy in black, leaning against a tree with his eyes closed.

Sam…

She let her eyes follow the features of his face. He sensed her stare and opened his eyes. She couldn't tear her eyes away. He had grown to be a very handsome boy. No amount of hair gel or hair color could hide it. His eyes were now a milky blue green. Gone was the wide eyed look about them and in their place was a smoldering intensity which was magnified by the thick coat of eyeliner around them. Subtly if you looked close enough, in those blue depths there was also a deep yearning. But any glimpse of that was covered by the burning flame in his eyes that had fought with the yearning and won. "Don't let them know you're weak, the intense one would say and just as quickly as those innocent eyes had broken through the intense ones took their place again. Although Sam was extremely slender he had broad shoulders. His long arms and legs and again oddly contradicted his garb with their gracefulness. The way he narrowed from his shoulders to his slim hips were enough to make many girls hearts throb hungrily in their chests. None of them were ever caught dead showing it though. "Nobody wanted to know you liked the Goth boy. He was a fag." His defined jaw complemented his too-plump- for- a- guy lips and he had a jutting Adams apple that sat on a strong neck. He wasn't just handsome, he was beautiful.

But Alyssa didn't try to hide it.

Sam's eyes weren't defensive or cold like she had expected. They weren't warm by any means. But he didn't look angry. His eyes were locked with hers shamelessly and the piercing gaze made her breathless. She couldn't deny that she was attracted to him. Goth and all. He shut his eyes thick black lashes fanned out. She licked her lips. He looked especially sexy with his eyes closed.

Her redheaded friend noticed her staring intently at something. She turned her head and saw Sam, the boy who had insulted her and her boyfriend today. Alyssa was looking at THAT?

"I wouldn't make a habit of it,"she said.

Alyssa had long gone by the time Sam took off his headphones and put them in his backpack. He stood up and brushed the dirt off his pants. When he looked up the redhead's boyfriend was standing a foot away from him. Out for revenge.

"You wanna take back what you said?"

Sam raised an eyebrow. "No."

"You're eyes are gonna be so black and blue you won't need to wear that eyeliner to make them look like that."

"You started all this bull shit. You don't wanna hear that stuff you shouldn't go around asking for trouble." Sam turned to walk away. He felt something push him. The boy was shorter than Sam, but it made him stumble. When he whipped his head around he felt a fist crash onto his mouth. Sam tasted blood. He didn't see another boy pick up a thick fallen tree branch and hit him on the side of the head with it. He got dizzy and fell. They barely gave him the chance to hit the ground before they started to kick him, in the ribs, in the stomach, in the back. He cried out when he felt a timberland clad foot crash into his head. He curled up into the fetal position, his arms around his body, blood seeping out of his mouth and onto the grass. He coughed.

They laughed. 'Fag can't even get up and fight. Look at him." The sounded like hyenas.

His body was wracked with pain. But he didn't make a sound, just a grimace on his face. It hurt enough to cry but he was humiliated enough as it was. He held back.

He heard a female voice. 'Leave him alone!"

"You're such a wet blanket Alyssa."

"Get away from him. I swear to god I'll put your balls in a blender and make you eat it."

"Ooooh, so scared." They walked off.

Sam sat up in alarm. Alyssa. Oh god he just had his ass kicked in front of Alyssa. Just when he thought he couldn't feel like anymore of a loser. He wiped the blood from his face and looked at her with furrowed brows. She sat down next to him.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

Sam shouldn't have been so short with her. "Do I know you?"

She was silent for a moment, a look of hurt on her face. "It's Alyssa. You know the girl you played with in your backyard."

"I didn't mean it literally airhead."

Alyssa frowned. "I know you didn't mean it literally. I'm just trying to see if you're okay. You look like you got run over by a train. Stop being an asshole."

"Well, I'm fine. So you can go back to your friends and act like I don't exist again."

Alyssa's angry expression softened at this. " You were the one who didn't want to be friends with me anymore."

"I never said that. But blame me. It's always my fault." He struggled to get up, his arm draped across his stomach in pain. He gritted his teeth, a small groan managing to escape. He felt the breath hitch in his throat as her hand brushed his arm.

"Let me help you."

"No."

She pushed him down. He cried out in pain. "Sorry. Just sit still for a moment." She pulled out a napkin and raised her hand up to his face.

He grabbed her wrist. "Really. I'm all good. Thanks."

"Stop being an idiot, Sam." She started wiping the blood off his lips. The frown melted off his face. He parted his lips and exhaled. He could feel his heart hammering against his ribs. He gazed at her with vulnerable infatuation. A look that gave away his feelings for her. She looked back at him tenderly. She stroked his cheek. He closed his eyes, her touch warming him in his soul, cracks forming in the box of ice that held his heart in it. He breathed unevenly. Then a tear slipped out from underneath his lashes. He covered the delicate hand resting on his cheek with his. His hand dwarfed hers, the skin soft under his palm.

'Don't." He whispered.

"I'm sorry."

"Please Alyssa. Just leave me alone." He said softly.

She took his hand in between her palms, running her fingers over his knuckles comfortingly. His eye makeup started to run. "Stop." He tried to sound tough, like he really meant it. But there was nothing that he wanted more in the world than to feel her touch.

Suddenly she pressed up against him, her arms around him, her head on his shoulder. "I've missed you." She whispered. She ran her hands up and down his back soothingly. He dug his fingers in her hair, smelling her lavender scented shampoo. He wanted to kiss her. He needed her to touch him, more than a hug, more intimately than that. He wanted to lie with her in the grass, feel her lips on his. But he couldn't. She'd think he was a fool. He wouldn't even know how to kiss her, how to touch her.

She pulled away. "Don't cry."

He cupped her face in his hands. Then she felt his full lips on her forehead. "Good-bye."

She felt him slip out from her embrace. He stood up and walked away, not even looking back. Pretending like nothing happened.

That hurt her a bit. The way he acted like they didn't have a past, like they had never been friends. He had been an extension of her soul. But for five years he walked past her in the hallways like they had never even met. And even more than that it hurt her knowing that he hurt inside and he couldn't tell her. The way he used to. The way he used to cry in her arms by the ocean whenever his heart was broken. She missed being able to take away his pain. She cried in the girl's bathroom.

He skipped class, drove home and lay down on his bed. A picture of her on his pillow next to him. He didn't need drugs to fall asleep. He was tired enough, sad enough to fall asleep on his own. It hadn't hurt to have been beat up. It hurt that she saw him at such a pathetic state. How weak he was.

_In his dream he was back at school, outside on the grass. Laying on his side kissing her deeply, his hands exploring the smooth skin of her back under her shirt. Most guys wanted to fuck Alyssa. But he wanted to make love to her, to lie with her in the afterglow, to memorize every part of her body. He wanted to be with her forever. _

_She was on the swing again. He pushed her and she laughed as she flew through the air. When she came back down she was wearing white, a long white dress and daisies in her hair. He looked at his hands, a gold band on his left ring finger. He could see the same band on her finger. He felt warm. Sometimes it wasn't so bad to daydream. He smiled in his sleep. A faint smile. But a smile. A drop of happiness in an ocean of sorrow._


	4. When the World Stops Turning

Part I

Chapter 3

I'll Be There When the World Stops Turning

The only sound in the giant mansion was the white noise of the sea and the distant hum of lawnmowers. The windows were open and a breeze wafted through the house. Sam's vision was still fuzzy from sleep. He sauntered lazily into the kitchen and opened the fridge. A gallon of water caught his sight. He pulled it out and drank it….straight from the plastic jug.

Robin's voice filled his ears. "I hope you didn't smoke before you did that."

He put it back in the fridge and turned to face her. She looked startled by his face. His split lip and the bruises on his temple that seeped under his hairline made her eyes open slightly more than usual.

'Sam, what….what on earth happened to your face?" She asked worriedly.

"Too many OC's. I fell down the stairs."

She opened her mouth to say something, but paused. "I guess I should be thankful you only fell and didn't overdose and end up in the morgue."

For a split second Sam was affected by her words. Maybe she still cared about him. He changed his mind in an instant though. "Peter would have a party to celebrate."

She leaned her elbows on the counter, her eyes glued on the marble countertop, her head in her hands. He heard a frustrated sigh. "Sam, you know I love you."

His voice dropped an octave, soft. "You love the memory of me."

Robin felt her eyes grow hot. She wouldn't cry in front of him. "Your father wants you to be ready by noon on Saturday for visitations."

He stared at her coldly. Then he walked out of the kitchen.

Sam's mother's foundation sat on top of the bathroom counter. He turned his head so he could see the fluorescent light of the bathroom reveal the purple splotches on his right temple. He laughed, amused at the fact that he was using powder, how incredibly gay. He pulled the pancake out and blotted the bruises. There was nothing he could do about his lip.

When he walked into class the redhead's boyfriend laughed and turned to his friend who laughed too.

"Dude, did your secret boyfriend give you a pity fuck after you got your ass handed to you?"

Sam walked by and sat down at his desk. He pulled his notebook out and pretended to take notes. For a good minute. Then he started drawing a face, his own in inky black strokes, ragged edges. He was decent at drawing but the portrait looked nothing like him. It was ugly, a corpse's face rather than his. Then he sketched a softer face, with long flowing hair and a sweet smile. The edges of feathery wings rose from behind her shoulders. Her arms were wrapped around his torso, holding him suspended in the air, from a lake made of ice bergs.

He sat at a picnic table and smoked a cigarette. He heard the creak of the fragile wood as someone sat down next to him. He turned his face and blew a puff of smoke out of his mouth.

Alyssa coughed. "You smell like an ashtray."

Sam smirked. "I didn't ask you to come over."

She paused. "You look better. Are you alright?"

He mumbled his cigarette still between his lips. "You're acting like I have some terminal illness."

"I'm not talking about physically."

"Is this like therapy or something?"

"Sam…I don't think you've noticed, but you've looked absolutely suicidal the past two days."

"Okay, let's talk about my feelings. I want to smoke in peace and a preachy girl is trying to talk to me about something she has no idea about."

"You were crying, Sam. Remember? Stop trying to act so tough around me."

"You wouldn't understand my FEELINGS. You're a child. It would scare you."

She sighed. "You haven't even given me the chance."

"I gave you the chance, Alyssa. You FAILED."

"I was 11, Sam. I wanted to fit in. I wanted approval."

He was silent. "You had mine. You didn't need other people to tell you who you are, to tell you how amazing you were."

And she had been amazing. It was funny the way they met, considering most of their friendship she was the one comforting him. The first day Sam Monroe met Alyssa beck, Alyssa was the one crying.

_Sam was on his swing. Just six years old. _

_He was humming to a song he was making up. And he heard the faintest sound. But the wind must have carried it over, because he heard it. The weeping of a child. He hopped off. Curiosity more than anything made him go to the sound. Nobody is really a philanthropist when they're six. _

_On the porch of the house next to his he saw a little girl. By her small size he figured she was about his age. She was wearing a checkered blue and white overall dress over a white t-shirt. Her hair was pinned back on both sides with blue ribbons. Hair neither brown, nor blonde. In the middle with the slightest hint of red. Her head was on her knees. He could hear her sniffling. _

_He had felt the slightest pang of hurt when he saw that. 'Are you okay?" came the high pitched voice._

_The girl lifted her head. Her face was streaked with tears, ruddy. But even then she looked pretty. Big blue eyes. "No."_

"_Why are you crying?" Sam asked._

_Her face was a mixture of confusion and annoyance. "My mommy said not to talk to strangers."_

"_I'm not a stranger. I'm Sam."_

"_I'm Alyssa."_

"_Why are you sad?"_

_Alyssa paused. "My daddy was mean to me."_

' _He hurted your feelings?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_I'll make it better." He blew a puff of air into her face._

_She stared in confusion._

"_My mommy does that to all my boo-boos."He blew again and her hair went back slightly. She laughed. Only then could he tell that something was off about her physically. Her two front teeth were a lot shorter than the rest. Not because they had grew in later than the others and hadn't caught up. They were broken, the bottoms completely missing. _

'_What happened to your teeth?"_

_She should have been offended. But she answered, a bit shamefully. "I was being a bad girl. Daddy called mommy a bitch. She looked sad. So I said don't be mean to her. He pushed me."_

"_I wanna show you something!" he wanted to cheer her up. Sam didn't even give her the chance to react. He took her little hand and pulled her up. She giggled. She got on the swing and he pushed her. What a beautiful laugh. That sound etched into his mind. Whenever he was sad he would hear that sound and he would have hope. Because even after all of his parents fighting he could always go back to her house and hear her laugh. _

_Her mother's voice rang in the air. 'Alyssa! We need to go to the dentist for your teeth."_

_They both walked cautiously back. Sam saw a man burst out of the front door. He was wearing a flannel shirt and jeans and walked sloppily. Alyssa's mother was yelling at him. "Get out before I call the police!"_

"_Fuck you, whore." He got in his car roughly and drove away, the sound of his engine roaring angrily as he sped away. _

_Sam looked at Alyssa whose eyes were cast down. "Was that your daddy?"_

"_Yes."_

"_I have baseball bat. I can hit him with it if you want."_

_That sound filled the air again. Her adorable giggle._

_Alyssa! Her mother called again._

"_I gotta go."_

_Sam was disappointed. He wanted to play with her all day. It caught him off guard when she hugged him. "Thanks, Sam."_

_He felt her hand place something in his. He watched her run off to her mother and get in her car. She waved to him as they drove off. He looked down and opened his palm. It was a butterfly charm. _

16 year old Sam knew he still had it. Somewhere.

The young woman looked at him frustration. "Why can't you just let it go? I'm trying again."

"You'd never admit to anyone that we were friends. Whenever everybody is gone you act like you care, but the fact of the matter is that you are ASHAMED of me. Your whole life is about being homecoming queen and having people kiss the ground you walk on. You'd lose your throne if you so much as talked to me. So stop acting like you care. You chose what you wanted. You can't have both."

Alyssa twined her fingers around his. He looked alarmed. He locked eyes with her. "Please…don't do this to me. How many times are you gonna fuck me over?"

"What am I doing to you? I'm trying to be your friend. You have nobody, Sam. You're all alone."

He pulled his hand from hers and stood up. "That's the way I like it."

As he walked away a piece of paper fell out of his notebook. Alyssa picked it up. She knew who the two people were. "You're such a fraud, Sam." She said under her breath_._


	5. Fault Lines and Death Wishes

Part I

Chapter 4

Fault Lines and Death Wishes

School is _supposed_ to teach you how to live life. Who ever came up with needed to be shot in the head a few times. Schools were there to teach you two things. That you were a piece of shit if you were different and that you had to make a mockery of yourself get you what you want. In Laguna Beach there were two groups. People who thought they were "cool" because they owned a few flashy convertibles and could afford to look like something they weren't. Flakes. The second groups were nerds and everyone else who looked at these people like Gods and tried to emulate their every move. It was a rich town, with straight A students and jocks. Sam was neither. And all this unfairly granted them permission to look at him like he was nothing. Everywhere Sam went there was a sign that read. "Orange County High School. We accept and welcome everyone to learn." Bull-fucking-shit.

It was the day of the final in art class. Sam took out a poster board covered in red paint, splotched unevenly against darker reds like rust. At its center was Marilyn Manson. He was one of his idols and it looked exactly like him, Sam thought. The art teacher didn't share Sam's liking of the metal musician but the amount of time Sam apparently had put into it impressed her. She had always liked him. She was a lady of the mid thirties with no children and a deceased husband. She never married after that. She loved her husband so much and was so devoted that it pained her to get married again. Sam was like the child she never had. She didn't judge him based on how he looked and Sam loved that about her. She was a bit of an eccentric and that's probably why they got along. Sam didn't have to feign confidence around her. Because they had both gone through traumatic experiences earlier on in their lives they could relate. In the back of his mind Sam felt remorseful for treating her like his mom when he already had one, but she didn't wag her finger at him and give him endless numbers of rules to follow.

She, in her artsy personality was completely enamored by his hair. To his displeasure she would ruffle it….in front of everyone in class. He felt like a complete kiss up in front of her but if that's what it took to feel accepted by someone than he was willing to take the gossip. Sam saw his body as a canvas for art and his outside almost always matched what he was feeling on the inside. He was a walking painting to her. Though he failed every class he was in he wasn't a moron. He was just lazy. He was extremely creative and thought profoundly even if all his thoughts were consumed with anger and sadness. He was the epitome of the saying that still water is deeper than it looks. He could be really nice when he wanted to be. It was a bit manic. He was really cruel, angry, and vengeful, but he was also innocent, a child at heart, and surprisingly at some times really sweet. At heart he was still a child, because his childhood ended before it began. He acted like he was mature but he wasn't. If Sam Monroe was in the dictionary, the definition oxymoron would be right next to it.

Oddly he didn't spend all his time getting high. When there were no more drugs to use and he couldn't deal with his "Brady Bunch family" he would come to his art teacher's house and use a paint gun to make a maze of color on her walls. The room looked like it came right out of an acid trip.

These trips weren't free of pain though. Physical pain. Every Sunday Sam would come to her house and they would mercilessly attack each other with the paint guns. It was masochistic, but Sam loved the pain. It was the only slightly athletic part of him and part of the reason besides his quick metabolism that he was so hopelessly skinny.

He was sitting and listening to music, Marilyn Manson, as usual, when he felt something whip into him. "Awww, fuck." He moaned and dropped the headphones. "You think that's funny don't you?" he smiled ear to ear and you could tell he was mischievously planning something in that raven head of his. The art teacher, Amber, looked completely horrified and she screamed and ran for life but was assaulted with paintball missiles. She ran towards a small tree in her backyard, still being pelted with bullets of paint. The back of her t-shirt was ten different colors. With a youthful agility she climbed up the tree. Amber stood one particularly thick branch. Sam had stopped firing his paint gun. He walked over and looked up at her. "If this is supposed to be your attempt at playing hide and seek, you failed miserably." He smiled wryly. He aimed the paint gun at her.

She held her hands in front of her face. "No!"

Her screams ripped through the air. Then she fell out of the tree. Sam stopped laughing. "Shit."He walked over to her body lying still in the grass. 'Amber, you okay?"

She was lying face down. He touched her shoulder. Then she flipped over, laughing maniacally. Sam could barely yell a profanity before she fired an entire round of paint at him. His curses at her came out in broken shouts as he was repeatedly hit with paintballs.

Anyone who was watching from far off would think they were trying to murder each other, but to them it was nothing more than fun and games. He remembered, extremely amused, one time when there screams had been so loud the police had been called by the neighbors because they thought there was domestic abuse taking place in the house. Sam loved her, he realized like the mother he never had. After all this she would nurse him back to health, bandaging any cuts he had. In return he would do her make up for her.

"Damn Sam you make me look like a whore." She smiled.

"But a pretty whore." He smiled back.

"Well thank you, Sweetcheeks."

You're welcome."

"You're really talented you know that?"

He nodded arrogantly.

"Now don't go and act like a conceited brat, it doesn't suit you."

"You know I'm kidding Amber."

"You'd make a real good husband." She said wistfully, remembering her husband.

His smile faded. Suddenly it looked like the wind had been knocked out of him. "I don't want to get married." Amber found out right then that it was a sore subject for him, marriage. Since his parents' marriage was a complete train wreck he was afraid that his would completely mirror theirs. Besides, kids are just like their parents.

"Sam, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't." he gathered his stuff up in his arms and started to leave.

"Please Sam don't leave, I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad at you Amber. I just need to be alone and think for a bit."

Amber looked every bit her age then. "I love you Sam. I wish you were my son."

He smiled weakly at her. "I wish you were my mother."

"Please don't get high tonight. For me. You're too special to destroy your life like this. I think if you opened up everyone would know you like I do."

"I wish it were so Amber." He smiled ruefully. "But the entire world isn't like you."

"Come here and give me a hug, Sammie."

He walked over to her and lifted her off the ground.

"Whoa pumpkin, I'm not used to being this high in the air." She said nervously.

"Don't be cheesy." He said trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

"I knew you were a kick ass paint ball player but you're strong for such a skinny boy.

"Amber you only weigh 90 pounds."

They both laughed with levity.

He gently put her back on the ground. "Bye Amber."

"Bye Sam."

He was almost completely inside his car but Amber ran over to him, grabbing his wrist. "Anytime you need to talk. I'll be right here."

He smiled and drove off into the night. When Sam was sitting on his bed in the dead of night with a bottle of pills in his hand, he could Amber's voice telling him no. He could see her disappointed face in his head. But then he saw Peter's cold face, the people in his school glaring at him disapprovingly, some of them pointing and smiling with amusement. Some senior boys mouthing the word fag, others saying it straight out. He could see George sighing on the other end of the telephone line, whispering an emotionless "I can't." He could see his mother on the living room couch, Adam in her lap, Ryan beside her and Peter to their left. They would laugh at the movie they were watching. He would stare at them morosely. No more room for him. Robin leaving her past behind, leaving him in the past. He would walk back up the stairs and turn his stereo up, enjoying disrupting their pleasure, the rowdy music echoing through the high ceilings. He did this every movie night, or any time the four of them were having dinner. He would turn his music up especially loud anytime the family had guests over. Then he would light a cigarette and walk down to where everyone was sitting, saying hello to the guests dryly. He would try especially hard to embarrass his mother and his step father. Peter would give him venomous 'I'm going to kill you" looks. Sam would take advantage of the fact that Robin and the kids were sitting there. No matter what he did Peter couldn't yell a fuck you or beat the shit out of him. He would walk over to Peter, blow cigarette smoke in his face and say a sarcastic "sorry." he'd walk back up the stairs, the awkward silence lasting the rest of the night, the guests going home early.

Of course Peter would get back at him in other ways. He'd steal Sam's cigarettes. He'd throw Sam's CD's out during a thunderstorm and run them over with his car. At which point Sam would get into Peter's bedroom and press the burning end of a cigarette against Peter's most expensive suits, little burnt circles on the sleeves. And in the front.

Then he'd empty the ash in his ashtray in Peter's shoes. The loud "shit" he'd hear from Peter's room when he would realize what Sam had done would give Sam immense gratification. "Fucking asshole." He would say under his breath, smiling.

There were times however that Peter would do a bit more than destroy Sam's things or curse at him. Sam could remember one time when Peter walked into his room.

"_Get out of my house, you little fuck." Peter said as he stood in the doorway._

_Sam stared at him arrogantly. "I don't think mommy dearest would like that."_

_Peter turned red in the face. "She'll just think you ran off with your druggie friends."_

'_Then she'll look for me and bring me back."_

"_Don't be so sure, she hates you as much as I do. She just has too big a heart to say it to you, She'll be happy to see you gone."_

_Sam leaned back against the wall. "Do you fuck her like that?"_

"_What?"_

"_With that fury. No I take it back. You probably can't get it up being so fucking old. Not that she'd care, Robin's a frigid bitch."_

_Peter charged for Sam. Sam ran to the left, but still coming of a high he wasn't fast enough. Peter crashed into him with such force that Sam's head hit the wall. It bounced forward and Peter wrapped his hands around Sam's neck. Sam felt dizzy, he couldn't quite feel the pain of his head being repeatedly smashed into the wall. His high hadn't worn off yet. But he still had some strength left. Darkness started tingeing the edges of his vision. He kneed Peter in the crotch. Peter's hands loosened. "Get off me you fucking dick." Sam kicked Peter away with his booted foot, the dirt on the treads leaving a mark on Peter's khaki pants. _

_Sam ran for the door and down the stairs at such a speed that he slipped a few times on the stairs and fell onto his back. But he got back up, took Peter's keys from off the table and ran into his car. He backed out of the driveway so fast he went up onto the curb. He shifted into drive and pressed the gas pedal so hard that the card lurched forward, stopping feet from a house, the grass torn apart by the tires. He turned around to see Peter waddling down the stairs of the front door. _

"_Shit!" Sam backed out of the yard. He drove down the street at 5o miles an hour, the engine of the car roaring. The car approached a turn. Sam overestimated his driving skills and didn't slow down to make the turn. The car swung and spun uncontrollably. Sam hadn't put his seatbelt on in his haste. Not that he usually did. His body flew up and his head crashed into the roof of the car. His chin hit the steering wheel. He hit the brakes. But going at that speed his action made it worse. The car right side met with asphalt and Sam fell into the passenger seat, his back against what was remaining of the window. He managed a hoarse "Fuck" before he slipped out of consciousness. _

_When he woke moments later he could hear sirens. A paramedic had him by his legs._

_Sam yelled a gravely "Fuck off!" His body was screaming in pain. He was pulled out, other paramedic running over with a stretcher. _

"_I said leave me in the fucking car!"_

_The paramedics were a bit taken back by this. "We're trying to help you, son."_

"_I don't want your fucking help." He hissed._

_One of them looked over at the man unbuckling the straps of the stretcher. "I think this one's gonna need a sedative."_

_The man pulled out a needle and Sam fought against the other paramedics trying to lift him onto the stretcher. "Stick it up your ass!" Sam yelled. _

_The others pushed him to the ground and he felt a stinging feeling as the needle pierced the skin of his inner arm. "Fuck you." He tried to get up but the sedative made his head spin and he fell back whispering repeated "Fuck yous as they lifted him onto the stretcher. Their voices were muffled and echoed in his ears, the sirens blending into one nauseating hum. _

_By the time the sedative wore off, he was in a room being asked questions, a psychiatrist in one corner, a doctor by his bed. He didn't answer them. _

_He picked up the remote on the table by his bed and turned the TV on. They looked at each other and walked out._

_They wanted him there for two days. The head x-rays didn't show any damage. But they had to make sure he didn't have a concussion. Otherwise he just had cuts and bruises. No broken bones. He had stitches on his shoulder from the window glass. _

_His mother walked in with a sad look on her face. _

"_Do you have any smokes on you?"_

_She said nothing._

_He looked back at the TV "I didn't think so."_

_She walked over and put a hand on Sam's forearm. He gave her a nasty look and pulled his arm away harshly. "Don't touch me."_

_She backed away and sat in the chair by his bed. "Sam, what in the world were you…"_

"_You're piece of shit husband was chasing me. He tried to kill me, did you know that? Not that you give a shit."_

"_Sam…."_

"_It's your fault." he said, looking in her eyes mercilessly. _

_A tear slipped out from a corner of her eye. "I wanted you to have a better life. You're so blessed."_

"_I'm blessed? YOU wanted this. I didn't, but I guess my opinion didn't matter when you left him." Sam referred to his father._

"_You're a Junkie, Sam. You think people should praise that?"_

"_And you're a bitch. Now get the hell out of my room." _

_She looked betrayed. Robin picked up her bag and left._

Sam emptied four pills into his palm and swallowed them with water. "I should've died."

When he closed his eyes he saw a face behind his eyelids. A six year old girl's round cherubic face. She laughed and her teeth were broken.

On the surface and on the outside everyone looks whole and perfect. Many of them even look beautiful. But when they undo the seams holding them together, when heartbroken girls open their mouths to speak they are no longer whole. You can see every fault line, every missing part of them as plain as day.

Maybe he became her friend, maybe he had fallen in love with her because her holes and cracks seemed to match his. She was the only one who had seen them and had stayed, hadn't thought any less of him. He was normal to her. He wasn't broken. He was just Sam.


	6. Liars and Lovers

**To ****Camelotprincess****1: I KNEW someone would say that about Amber! Haha. This is not a Sam/OC story. It's a Sam/Alyssa story. Amber is 20 years Sam's senior. She's far too old for him. Also he sees her as a maternal figure/big sister. She sort of tries to guide him in life. Their relationship is completely platonic. I apologize if my writing made it unclear. I'm not really experienced with this whole fanfiction thing, so bear with me. Also to make things more clear, italics means flashbacks. Regular font is the present.**

Part I

Chapter 5

Liars and Lovers

It was time to get away from it all. Lucky for Sam his friend Corey invited him to his parent's house in Tahoe. That meant he was about to become the lucky owner of an unlimited supply of OxyCodons, Vicodins, inhalants, and Weed. Marilyn Manson's Sweet dreams permeated the air around him and he was glad that he could run away. Maybe he would never come back. But then where would he live? He couldn't stay at Corey's forever. Would he sleep under a bridge? In an abandoned warehouse? Maybe he would have nothing. Maybe he'd starve. Maybe the hunger would hurt so much that he'd finally end it and someone would find him on a park bench under a blanket with eyes forever closed.

George was in his face suddenly. And not a minute passed before Sam realized that George wanted him to spend the summer at his house. _Why can't you all just die and leave me alone? _

"No fuckin' way!" He yelled, his duffle bag flying into the pool like a UFO crashing into the Earth.

"Who are you? I don't even know you!" Sam shouted at his father.

Geroge was steel faced. "You'll know me by the time we're through."

Sam's face contorted, brows furrowed. "Go Fuck yourself!"

It was no matter. No amount of swearing and crying wasn't going to save Sam from his fate. He uttered a final threatening little statement, in a low, malicious voice. "I'll hate you for the rest of my life."

"Good. You can't even begin to know how much I hated my father. Think of it as a family tradition."

Sam looked back at him mom but she avoided his gaze at all costs. She was abandoning him again. He didn't feel like fighting anymore so he got into his dads car, slamming the door violently, his head resting on the window. He morosely stared out of the window at the thing passing by and with extremely painful nostalgia he realized he used to live in this neighborhood. He remembered each of the houses passing by. Yes he had to go to his dads every weekend but he was so stoned he didn't actually see these houses. They resembled the house he lived in, towering, beautiful, but empty.

His dad parked the car by the old shack and there was nothing Sam wanted to do more than to get out of the car and run in the other direction, but for some reason his legs felt numb at the sight of the huge house next to it. It belonged to someone important, he knew. Important to him, at least in the past. A certain little girl who liked Barbies and tea parties and pillow fights.

"Alyssa." He whispered under his breath. He suddenly felt a strong urge to cry. She had been his only salvation many years ago before the drugs, and she had been part of the reason he finally decided to use them besides his neglecting parents. They used to be best friends in grade school. They still would have been. But she found bigger and better things and he stayed in the rut he had gotten stuck in. It sucked, feeling like you were frozen in time and everyone else was moving and there was nothing you could do. She was too bubbly and spirited to deserve some miserable person like him. Besides everyone else had left him, it was only natural she leave him too. He wasn't worth anyone's company. Sad, pessimistic Sam. He was never mad at her for it, just extremely hurt that she could do that. Abandon him when he needed her most. That was the final break in the heart, the one that froze it solid. They were both eleven and going into junior high. They stayed at each others houses every day over the summer and called each other.

Alyssa made everyday a bit brighter and more bearable. After all the neglect from his stepfather and mother and all the distance from his father he knew he had her to look forward to. He told her al his problems, about the divorce and she could relate, her mother had divorced from her father whom she strongly hated and they could share their hate towards their fathers. Alyssa also made him feel welcome, which his own family couldn't do. He always felt like they'd favor him gone.

But she was always there with a smile and acceptance.

"_Whatever happened to all your barbies and teacups?" he asked smiling, walking around her room._

"_Well, you broke half of them with that pillow fight incident." She smiled. "The barbies, my friends burned them behind my back and besides eleven is kinda old to have dolls."_

"_They burned them. That's hilarious; I wish I was there to see it."_

"_Hey, its not funny you meanie." Her voice dropped an octave and slightly embarrassed she admitted, "I cried for days after that."_

"_Over a bunch of plastic." He smirked dryly. _

"_I loved Ken, he was so cute, and Stacy…_

_He cut her off, "first of all, Ken is definitely not a human, so it's weird you crushed on him and secondly he wasn't even a guy if you know what I mean."_

_She blushed. "They weren't built to be anatomically accurate."_

"_No, I know no girls waist is that small." He said. "But they had almost everything else."_

"_Not nipples."_

_They both started laughing at the immature banter. _

"_three year olds aren't supposed to see private parts."_

"_Private parts, Alyssa. What prude raised you?"_

"_Din't insult my mom." She smiled. _

_Are you telling me that you never looked at your own before you were three?" he smiled._

_She blushed. "Okay this is getting awkward."_

_They both burst into hysterical laughter. Sam was on the floor. _

"_Hey lets go and break the rest of those teapots.' He went for the door. _

"_My mom's gonna have my head if we do. Saaam!"_

_He rummaged through her closet and found the delicate porcelain cups._

"_Sam no!"_

_He giggled running off towards the back yard. He started hurling them at the house watching in bliss as they broke into a thousand little shards and showered on the grass._

"_Don't be such a wuss, Lyssie." He hurled another one at the house._

"_Sam!"she protested. _

"_If you're too old to play with dolls you're definitely too old to have tea parties."_

_She pouted and folded her arms across her chest. "I loved our tea parties. I wanna have memory of them."_

_He stopped. 'okay Sorry."_

"_I have a better idea. I'll keep a few for memory and we do message in a teacup for the rest of them."_

"_Message in a teacup?" he just about broke down laughing._

"_Yeah, like message in a bottle, with teacups."_

"_The letters are gonna fall out though, there are no tops."_

_She left and returned with saran rap and pieces of paper. _

"_And you thought I was weird."_

_They walked down to the beach with their teacup messages and let the little porcelain cups bob away gently in the current. _

"_What did yours say?"Sam asked._

"_I can't tell you, it wouldn't come true."_

"_I thought this was message in a bottle, not wish on a star." Sam said. He frowned looking at his watch. "I. uh, have to go soon."_

_Alyssa's head was backlit by the sun, her hair outlined with gold. Her face was still in an expectant stare. Sam's heart hammered against his ribs. He felt lightheaded. Talking filled the air, distracted him from his feelings. In moments like these, though, in complete silence he couldn't escape the fact that he was in love with her. _

_She stepped forward a little and looked up at him with a sweet innocent gaze. He felt her palm rest on the incessant beat of his heart. He was hesitant but he touched her face, lightly at first with just the tips of his fingers. Then he felt the expanse of her soft cheek under his hand. Her arms wound around his waist and she pressed herself against him lightly. His head spun and he could hardly breathe. She stood on her toes and leaned into him and his eyelids were heavy. And then he felt the pressure of her lovely mouth on his. He'd never kissed a girl in his life. He didn't know the first thing about kissing and neither did she. Their lips remained locked in a chaste kiss. Sam felt her shoulder blades under his palms and then the smooth fabric at the small of her back. She pulled away and looked into his eyes. "My wish came true." She said breathlessly._

"_What?" he asked in a quiet voice. _

_She hugged him. It made all the pain that had ever existed inside him go away. They walked back home holding hands. Sam saw George's truck in Alyssa's driveway. That meant only one thing. It was time for him to go back to the mansion. He looked at Alyssa, the slightest bit frightened. "Can I stay here?"_

_She looked at him silently and he knew the answer. He looked lost. Then her lips brushed his cheek comfortingly. "Call me. I'll always be there for you." _

What a beautiful, little liar. He rested his forehead against the window and felt something wet and warm roll down his cheek. George stepped out of the car and Sam stayed behind. The world was full of liars.


	7. Gone Missing

Part I

Chapter 6

Gone Missing

_It was late at night, sometime after midnight. The neighborhood was silent and the sky was a deep velvety navy with trillions of glittering stars sprinkled on it. The moonlight cast a film of silver over the ocean. A boy, basked in this silver light, sat wistfully on the edge of a cliff looking at the silver waves crashing against a silver beach. A girl walked over and sat next to him. _

"_Hi Sam."_

"_It's beautiful."_

"_Yeah…Are you alright Sam?"_

"_The moonlight makes it so breathtaking." He marveled at the perfection of it, appreciating it, because of how imperfect his life was. _

_Alyssa took his hand, curling her fingers around his. _

_"What's wrong?"_

_He turned his head away from the sea and looked into her eyes despondently. "You wouldn't ever lie to me?'_

_"What are you talking about Sam?_

_"Just answer my question.'_

_"No."_

_"Then...Am I a freak?" _

_'A freak? Who told you that?"_

_"No one. It's just that everyone hates me and I just maybe it's because I'm weird."_

_'You're not a freak, Sam. And everybody doesn't hate you. I don't hate you." _

_Sam smiled feebly. _

_'And about yesterday. Whenever you want to leave that hellhole you can come to my house."_

_He smiled faintly locking eyes with her. 'Thanks." He squeezed her hand. She heard faint sniffling. He turned to her, trying to hold the tears that were about to fall. The glistening tears made his eyes look like sapphires in the silver moonlight. He started trembling. 'Sam." she gathered him up in her arms. He cried into her hoodie, clutching tightly to the pink fabric. She could feel the wetness on her skin. _

_"What happened to my family?" _

_"I...I don't know Sam." She whispered. She pulled him closer rubbing his back consolingly. He wrapped his arms around her. Amidst all the tears and the stars she felt his head shift in the curve of her neck. She felt wet warm lips rest there as his sobbing subsided. _

_Sam wanted to believe they'd be friends forever, that they'd always be neighbors and he could run to her house and forget all his problems. He knew deep down he was being incredibly stupid, that after all he'd gone through with his parents he'd know better. But he pretended that that would be true and they say that ignorance is bliss. And for a while it was. _

_The first day of seventh grade arrived. Sam was excited to go to school. He could pretend that he was a normal kid with two happily married parents. He was just a student there like everyone else, not a jaded kid. _

_He saw Alyssa through all the crowds; she was wearing a blue sundress and sunflower barrettes in her auburn hair. She looked incredibly sweet._

_She was also in the midst of a few of the most popular boys in the school. Sam suddenly became very nervous. With all those people would she ever have time for him? _

_He turned around and headed for homeroom. Alyssa saw him, his jet black hair was recognizable in any crowd. She pushed through all the boys blocking her. _

_"Hey Alyssa wait." they chorused. A few tried to get her attention but she shoved through them. They all groaned. _

_"Sam.!" _

_He didn't notice. She unclipped her barrette and chucked it at him. It bounced off the black hair. He turned around and looked at her. _

_"What was that for?" he said rubbing the back of his head gingerly. _

_"For ignoring me." she giggled._

_"Oh."_

_"I was kidding."_

_"How can you deny yourself the worship?" Sam asked sarcastically pointing to the twenty boys waiting for her in the middle of the hall._

_She elbowed him playfully. "It's not as fun as it looks; they were waiting for me this morning."_

_"They were waiting for you to get to school?" Sam asked amazed. He started laughing. "That's hysterical. He doubled over in laughter, tears poring over his beet red cheeks. He was having trouble breathing. "Oh my god."_

_"Sam stop I don't want to tell you're teachers you died because you laughed too hard. _

_"No, I'm sorry I'll stop, he straightened his clothing. Then he exploded into laughter again. _

_She slapped his arm. "Sam!" _

_"I'm sorry I just find it sad." he laughed again. "I mean I can just imagine them like running frantic around their house trying to find a shirt you'd like. It's a competition."_

_She crossed her arms and pretended to be offended. 'Are you saying I'm not worthy of it?" _

"_Maybe." He smirked._

_She slapped his arm. _

_They both laughed. _

_"See you at lunch, Sam." she smiled. _

_Luckily for Sam he managed to get to her table before all the lovesick boys did . When he said it was a competition he wasn't joking. He sat beside her. "Hey." he breathed._

_She looked at his red face and laughed. "Did you run here?" _

_You don't know how relentless those guys are. I had to tell my teacher I had to use the bathroom to get here before them." _

_She could hear the faint hum of their feet hitting the ground. "It's like a stampede." _

_Suddenly there was a thick pause as her friends sat down. They seemed annoyed. Sam smiled at them and said hi but they stared at him like he was going somewhere he wasn't welcome, they flashed each other looks. _

_"O-kay." he whispered under his breath. _

_A redhead pulled Alyssa aside with the excuse they had forgotten forks. They went near the lunch line where they were hidden. "Look Alyssa, you have to lay off all your charity work."_

_"__Charity work__?"_

_"Everyone knows you only hang out with him because he's a pathetic loser."_

_"What?" She couldn't believe her ears. "Loser? He's a good friend of mine and he's a good person, how can you say that when you don't know him?" _

'"_Look, hanging out with…it makes us look bad."_

"_Look bad?" Alyssa frowned._

'_Everyone knows he used to be poor before his mom remarried."_

"_That's no reason to…look you're pissing me off." She walked off, sitting next to Sam and smiling at him._

"_Are you okay?" he asked. "You're kinda quiet."_

"_Oh, yeah, I'm fine." She lied._

_That night Peter had come home early. He wasn't in a good mood, but that wasn't surprising. Sam had gone down to get a soda. He fully expected to be alone. But Peter was sitting there, beer bottle in hand. His eyes looked distant. Sam guessed he was buzzed._

"_Hey Peter."_

_Peter didn't answer. Expected. Peter obviously disliked Sam._

"_Home early."_

_Still nothing. Peter was starting to irritate Sam._

'_Hey man, wanna talk about it?"_

_Peter slammed the bottle down on the table. It broke, Peter's fingers bloodied by the glass. "No, you little fag, I don't wanna talk."_

_Sam felt the blood rush to his face. He fisted his hands at his sides. "Jesus Christ, I just wanted to help."_

_Peter lunged at Sam. And pushed him against the fridge, the handle pressing into Sam's back. Peter's hands were wrapped around Sam's neck. He squeezed. Sam kicked, flailed. Things blurred, his head spun. Sam clawed at his neck. He heard things like "piece of shit, little bastard. He felt Peter's fist crash under his ribs. Explosion. He felt faint. He gasped as the hands around his neck loosened. Peter pushed the boy. His forehead hit the edge of the countertop with a loud thud and he made a little sound before collapsing on the ground. Everything was black. Was he dead? _

_Tile. He was sprawled out on kitchen tiles. Slowly, the world returned, the ceiling coming in to focus. Sam rose slowly, it hurt to breathe. He gingerly touched the spot under his ribs, wincing in pain. He lifted his shirt, a large purple crescent stretched along his stomach. _

_Why had nobody come to help? His mother was upstairs but he remembered that no one cared about him in this house. _

_The bathroom light hurt his eyes. Sam noticed that there was dried blood under his nose. There was some blood on his left eye, under his eyebrow. A bruise had formed around that eye. He looked like crap. He took his shirt off. There was a bruise on his back from the fridge handle. He cleaned his face as best he could. At dinner his mother asked him what happened to his face. Peter glared at him. "I fell off my bike." He lied. _

"_You look terrible." Peter added. Sam wanted to kill him._

_The next day at school he was silent. He didn't utter a word. Alyssa found it odd. He was usually so talkative. She also noticed his battered face. 'Are you okay?" she asked quietly._

"_Fine." Sam said forcefully._

"_What happened to your face?"_

"_Nothing." He looked away. She pulled his face back, running her finger over his brow. "That's not nothing."_

_His eyes softened. Her hand was against his cheek. He wrapped his fingers around her wrist. She looked beautiful. He moved forward and kissed her cheek._

"_Sam!" she frowned. "What are you doing?"_

_He scowled. "What do you mean?"_

"_You can't kiss me. I'm with someone."_

'_What? When did you plan on telling me?"_

"_Sam, I thought you knew. I'm with Adam."_

"_So the kiss, at your house. It didn't mean anything?"_

"_Of course it did. But I…just don't wanna ruin our friendship."_

"_That's B.S. Alyssa and you know it. You just don't want to be seen around with me in front of the rich bitch triplets."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_You heard me."_

"_Sam, I…you think I'm ashamed of you?"_

"_I know you are."_

"_I care about you Sam…a lot. I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you. You're my best friend."_

_He was silent. He looked into her eyes pleadingly. "Then why can't I be more than your best friend?" He asked softly. _

"_You're like my brother. It'd be weird." _

_Sam turned away and stared absently at his food._

_Alyssa took his hand. 'Come with me." She whispered. He followed her into a corner. She placed her hand on his chest. "I don't know what to do, Sam. I'm there for you. I will always be there." She ran her hand over his cheek. "But I can't pick up all your pieces for you. You have to do that yourself." She drew him into her arms. He let out an uneven breath and shut his eyes. He held her tightly. She buried her hand in the hair on the back of his head, playing with it comfortingly. _

_Alyssa pulled away looking into eyes worriedly. Sam looked…he looked numb, a sort of numb shock. The sound of one of her friend's voice filled the air. His eyes were full of betrayal. Alyssa turned to face her approaching friend. She didn't notice that Sam ran off. Her eyes flickered back over and he was gone. She ran through the hallways. "Sam!" No answer. She didn't even see his face in the crowd. She came to a stop and stared into the crowd sadly. "Sam." She whispered. _

_For the next five years the air around her, her backyard, the lunch table would lack him. It was as if something important was missing in the world when he was gone. Like the blue of the sky or cherry blossoms in spring. It was so natural for him to be there. So much so that sometimes she start talking to him when something funny happened and would realize he wasn't there. Sometimes she would hear his laughter wind around the hallways of her house. Sometimes she would see his face in the mirror. It was so natural for him to be there. _


	8. I'm Sick

**A/N: This chapter is going to be a bit heavier than the other ones (if that's possible, lol) Just a warning that it's going to veer into mature themes like sex. Nothing happens but things are said. I wouldn't really recommend that anyone under 13 reads this, but it's a free country. Just don't say I didn't warn you. Without further ado, voila…**

Part I

Chapter Seven

I'm Sick

Sam was perched on the edge of the cliff behind the shack, wondering how long it would take to drown. But then again if he landed he could hit the rocks and die that way. There were many ways to die from jumping off the cliff. Being impaled, breaking his neck, crushing his skull. They all sounded appealing. Everybody would prefer it that way. The sour looks from his step father and his mother confirmed the notion. No one would miss him; no one would even notice he was gone. Sam smiled ruefully and patted Guster's golden head. The dog was reclined lazily by Sam. A dog was his only friend, how incredibly pathetic.

Sam's ruminations were broken by his father's voice.

"Thinking of jumping?" George asked calmly.

Sam answered sardonically, "Pushing."

"Well don't jump until you hear the waves crash onto the cliff, the water'll take you out. Let it. The first time I did it, younger than you even, I thought I'd break my neck and just sorta float to Catalina."

Sam was surprised. His father was giving him suicide advice.

"You don't always get what you wish for Sam."

"Yeah no shit." Sam answered in his mind.

Suddenly Sam felt a breeze on his right and was shocked to find that George was falling down towards the waves. He disappeared under the water. Sam jumped up frantically. "Shit!" "Hello?" "Hello?"

George was nowhere in sight. Sam ran down the side of the cliff and into the waves. George was flopping around laughing madly. Sam was suddenly annoyed that he'd actually cared about the well being of his father. 'Are you insane?" he yelled. "I have a total wacko for a father!" he stormed off, soaked up to his knees.

Sam was on his way back inside when he saw a memory of his past crouched beside his dog. Her auburn hair was pooled on her shoulders. She was baby-talking Guster. Sam's heart was suddenly in his throat.

Alyssa noticed his presence and stood. "Hey." Her voice made him dizzy.

"Hi." He answered shyly. The pretty girl suddenly made his dark façade melt away.

"What are you doing here?" she asked walking towards him.

He backed away nervously. "Well they're trying to make me spend the summer here, but I'm leaving in the morning. He tried to avoid eye contact.

'Oh, where to?"

"I'm supposed to be in Tahoe." He answered uneasily

'Well I guess if you stay I'll see you around." She paused and looked at his face turned away ashamedly. He looked sweetly beautiful with his head bowed like that. Alyssa wanted to reach out and pull his face up, so she could look at his icy eyes. "You should stay. Where's your dad?"

Sam looked at the ocean and surprisingly into her eyes, a playful look in his piercing eyes. His lips curled slightly into a wicked little smile and Alyssa felt weak at the knees. 'He jumped into the ocean.' He answered softly.

Alyssa smiled. She had finally gotten a reaction out of the shy darkly beautiful boy she had secretly admired.

'Well tell him I said hello." But she really meant to tell Sam that she was saying hello after all those years apart, after their sore goodbyes.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The next morning Sam lay on his back on the reclined sunbathing chair in the backyard. It was finally sunny and the warmth felt good on Sam's sore bones. The relaxation was short lived. George slapped something cold onto him and he abruptly got up. Did George secretly wish for death or was he just a dumbass? Sam concluded a mix of both and uttered a sharp "don't touch me!"

And then there she was. Alyssa seemed unfazed by Sam's episode and walked over with a curl at her raspberry lips. George threw her the sun screen bottle and resumed his construction project. She offered to rub down his back with lotion. The thought itself almost made him hard. He said no, she couldn't know how he really felt.

Sam should've remembered how stubborn Alyssa was. She walked over anyway and sat beside him.

The way her hands moved over his skin was intoxicating, better than any drug he'd ever used. He felt a rush of pleasure down in his pelvis, his breathing ragged and uneven. He had to fight not to turn around and run his hands over her body, to press his lips against hers, to know the way it would feel to be buried inside her. God he wanted to fuck her so badly.

Her hands stopped their ministrations. She had to leave. As she skipped away Sam gazed at her unabashedly. She hopped into Josh's convertible and off they went. Josh didn't deserve her. It'd be so much better without that stupid fuck in the way. But Sam realized he wouldn't have the balls to ask her out anyway, so none of it really even mattered.

"Shit!" Sam said under his breath. He had just gone through his bags and there was nothing. The little baggies were nearly empty, expect for the tiny scraps left over, but that wouldn't even fill a quarter of a joint. He could smoke another cigarette, but that was just not enough. George was whining about getting some help again. Sam took some enjoyment out of getting him angry. He went through his father's drawers and felt something cylindrical in a sock. A bottle of Vicodin stared him in the face and Sam poured out a few and downed it without water.

Sam hummed as the water of the showerhead poured over him. He heard the door open and rolled his eyes. Sam opened the shower door and Josh was sitting smugly on the counter. "I need you man."

Of everyone in this goddamn town why did Josh want to pimp Sam out as a whore?

He remembered Josh needling him about it earlier. "The closet gays kinda like that vulnerable girly man thing you got going." Sam had told him to fuck off at that point and would've kicked him in the nuts if he hadn't left.

"You got any weed?" Sam asked and then Josh asked that inevitable question.

"You got any money?"

It made Sam feel wrong, physically. The thought actually made him want to vomit. The endlessness of his existence, all the people who couldn't give a shit about him convinced him otherwise. It wasn't like they were going to have sex or anything.

He was nervous…and scared. He was scared more than anything. And somehow he was in that strange man's Lexus with his pants down. The man was on his knees in front of Sam, his hands running over Sam's thighs. This man kneeled between Sam's legs. He had cupped his knees with cold hands. Sam pressed his back into the seat so hard that it felt like he was going to tear through it. The man's hands were inside his boxers, running on his inner thigh. And then the man's entire body was on Sam's. He kissed Sam so roughly that Sam could feel a welt stinging through his lips. Sam pushed the man off him slightly and mustered a broken stop it. St-op-it.

"You're pretty." The man had said. "Now turn around."

Sam furrowed his brows, his eyes angry. "No!"

The man gripped Sam's face and his nails dug into Sam's cheeks. "Turn the fuck around, kid."

A no thundered out of Sam's chest.

The man smiled smugly. "You're aggressive. That makes me so hard."

He kissed Sam so hard it could have broken his teeth. He grabbed a tuft of hair and pulled on it. Sam cried out in pain, his eyes welling up with tears. "Turn around!" the man roared.

"The pimp said only a blowjob."

"I'm not paying you 300 dollars for just head. You're supposed to let me fuck you."

And then a police car rolled in. The man jumped off Sam. Sam tried to stand. He couldn't feel his body. He had turned it off. He stumbled out of the car. He stumbled over rocks on the beach and sobbed. He collapsed by a rotting plank. The tears poured out of him like a storm.

What the fuck had he done? What was wrong with him? When did he ever get this desperate, this low? For the first time in his life Sam realized how fucked up he really was inside. He was sick. He had always been. Sam had thought that if he covered up his symptoms with Vicodin or Weed that they didn't exist, that he was better. But he was sick. His hands were wet, the tears bled through his fingers. As his body heaved with sadness Sam wished more than anything that he would die. Please, God, just kill me. Let me die…

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

After the last of rivers on Sam's face dried up he looked up. Through the fog he could see the sky. He remembered the last time he had done this. Alyssa was there, comforting him. No one was there to quell his fears about himself, about what he had done.

Sam stood up slowly, his legs wobbly and aching and brushed the dirt off his pants. It was so quiet outside. The white noise of the ocean was occasionally broken by the sound of a car's engine. As Sam walked back home he forget where he was. He was on a sort of auto- pilot.

The garage was silent too. Sam lay down and pulled the covers over himself. It was quiet all around him. Inside his mind, though he could hear the persistent sound of laughing and his own drowning. He didn't know what it felt like to drown, but it couldn't be worse than now. He already was drowning. He already couldn't breathe. All the things that had happened were seeping into his lungs and suffocating him.

He moaned into the sheets of his bed, stifling more sobs. He had taken more Vicodin and it knocked him out. Maybe for a few hours he could forget who he was.


	9. Building a House

**A/N: This fanfic follows the story very closely and just like in the film there's going to be mature subject matter. There is a description of nudity and a few paragraphs on domestic abuse. And of course Sam's foul mouth. But that's expected, haha. This chapter is rated ****M****. **

Part I

Chapter Eight

Building a House

As the last dregs of sleep left him, Sam became acutely aware of how much physical pain he was in. His knees ached, his head ached. "Shit." He said hoarsely. His mouth was dry. But what bothered him more was the fact that he had woken up. "I'm still alive." He groaned. He stared at the rotting wood of the roof of George's garage for a bit listening to the sound of George's saw then he rolled out of bed.

He unzipped his bag and pulled out his carton of Marlboro Red's.

Sam stepped outside and let the ocean breeze pass over his face, caressing his sore eyelids. He lit the cigarette and watched Colleen beck walk up the driveway to get the paper. He heard a 'hey' and saw Alyssa hanging her head out her bedroom window. If there ever was a person who could brighten his day she was it.

Sam smiled dryly, "Hey. Wanna come down here for a bit?"

"I don't like the smell of cigarettes." She yelled back.

"I'll put it out."

"Yeah but you'll still smell like it." She yelled back.

"Alright, do whatever the fuck you want Alyssa. Play with the thousand teddy bears you have up there."

"Shutup!" she laughed.

"See you later." He said. He walked away.

His mother was there…naturally. She asked him to go to his little brother's baseball game. Sam stared at her giving her an "I don't give a shit" look. He flicked his cigarette, the ash falling off and landing on her shoe. Then he left.

Sam went to get his dirt-ridden pants. He stuck his hand in the right pocket and…nothing. He dug around in the left one. What the fucking fuck? "You fucking dick." He furrowed his brows.

For some reason George was talking to a police officer.

"Did you go through my pants?" he asked agitatedly. George wasn't answering. He sawed an armoire and placed it over the toilet and Sam almost wanted to ask what the hell George was doing.

At some point George admitted he flushed the weed down the toilet. Sam felt like throwing up. A night of humiliation of violation, for nothing.

His blood began to boil. He wanted to kick the living shit out of his father.

When the police officer left Sam unleashed his anger.

"What's in my pants is none of your fucking business!"

"Everything you do is my business. What you sniff, what you swallow, it's all my business."

Sam was seeing red. He wanted to snap George's neck. Sam recalled all the times he had wanted his father to care. All the times he begged him not to take him to his mother's house, to that wreck of a family. All the times when he was little, sitting in his room crying with the phone in his shaking hand. "Dad, please come get me. Peter' s so mean. I can't take it anymore. Please."

On the other end on the line all he'd hear was a drained "No. I'm sorry."

All his childhood was replay of that moment.

Sam clenched his teeth. As he slammed his chest he roared, "I've been using since I was twelve! You're unbelievable! You didn't give a shit about anything I did up until today!"

George echoed, yelling. "Well I apologize for everything up until today. Today I give a shit."

Sam shot back, "yeah? Well you're too fucking late." He began to walk off and George dangled the construction gloves in front of him.

"You can't make me do a thing."

"Sit down."

"No."

"Sit down!"

George slammed Sam down on the bed, the metal of the frame hitting Sam's bruised calves. He tried to fight but George was surprisingly much stronger.

"That's child abuse! People go to prison for what you just did to me!"

George seemed distressed about this. He looked at Sam sadly.

"My dad used to play a game. I never really understood what it was until after he was gone."

It wasn't remotely enough to compel Sam to care. "I was holding for someone. That wasn't even mine."

The game was to make me smaller than he was. No matter what. He could be almost invisible as a human being, but I had to be smaller. So if I got good grades, I was a pussy for not playing football. If I cut my hair for him, it wasn't short enough. If I shaved it, I looked like a psycho. I never won the game. Never. And if he couldn't make me smaller with words...

Sam knew what that meant. And he suddenly began to understand why his father had always seemed so defeated, like he was waiting for some breeze to blow him away from his misery. Sam's voice was quieter then, "I have to pay him back."

George looked into Sam's eyes. "I won't ever hit you…ever. I don't want you smaller. I want you to be happy. You're not. Not home with your mother. Not here with me. Not alone. Not anywhere. You're what I was most of my life, Sam. I see it in your eyes, in your sleep. In your answer to everything. You're barely alive!"

Sam stared back at George with dead eyes. "I'm not even listening."

"You know the great thing, though? Is that change can be so constant that you don't feel the difference…until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse until it is. Or it can just blow you away. Make you something different in an instant. It happened to me."

George paused, his eyes pleading. "Build this house with me."

Sam waited until George left and then he began to cry quietly.

George cared. His father cared if Sam was alive or dead. When Sam was looking at him, into his eyes, he could see the father he had been when Sam was six. He could see the pain because he hadn't been a good father to Sam. Sam realized now that George regretted it. He would never want to treat his own son the way his father had treated him.

Sam could finally breathe. The floodgates were open.

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Tearing the walls down was cathartic. All the anger Sam ever felt left him as he hammered away the planks, jumped on them and watched them splinter into pieces.

When he went to sleep that night Sam dreamed. He dreamed of the ocean and his father. He could hear his voice. "Thank you daddy! Thank you. You're the bestest daddy in the world." Sam laughed in his sleep. The waves crashed over him. Everything went black.

Sam stared at himself for a long time in the mirror. He didn't recognize himself. Slowly he began to take out the metal on his ears. The labret under his lip. He splashed water over his face and exhaled.

The water poured over his body and for the first time in a long time he felt alive. Then he heard the doorknob turn and he was agitated. "Oh good god." Josh was not going to get him to whore himself again.

The figure that stood behind the glass, however was clearly female. He opened the door. He was glad the hot water had made his face ruddy, otherwise she'd be able to see the blush rising on his cheeks. "What is this, a pastime with people? Go away."

"I've seen lots of people, it's not a big thing for me.' She said casually. And then she looked down, probably comparing him to other guys. She smiled devilishly.

Sam was immensely embarrassed. It was difficult enough just talking to her with his clothes on. Being naked in front of her was another thing entirely.

"Hand me a towel. I'm getting out" Sam said. Even that was futile. She had already seen everything.

"I'm coming in."

Sam looked away. "I don't want you to."

'Why are you so uptight?"

"I'm not, I don't even know what that means."

"It means I'm gonna shampoo my hair and stay out of your way."

The t-shirt she was wearing went up over her head and her panties dropped. Her breasts were small, rosy nipples over creamy skin. Her hips flared off of a small waist.

The lust he tried to keep suppressed was welling up inside him. He mustered a final "hand me a towel." And she stepped inside. He looked away. She couldn't see how much he wanted her then.

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The week passed and the skeleton of the house was standing on a foundation. Sam liked the way it looked. He almost wished George would leave it like this. There was something raw about it. The beams were like trees in a forest. They seemed solitary even in their togetherness. But if one fell the house would. His family and Sam himself were all beams, beams that had fallen and left a house in ruin. They ran away. They all ran as fast as they could ignoring the fact that they had breathed in the dust. Sam had been stuck under there and they pretended not to see. Now that these new beams were up Sam had an inkling that maybe something was happening. Something good was happening. They saw him and they were helping him climb out.

The entire day Alyssa, Robin, Sam, Ryan and Adam worked tirelessly against soothing music. Well, not exactly. Adam and Ryan took the liberty of having more breaks. They would run around and pretend they were fighting each other with water guns, except that they didn't have any so they pantomimed. Sam thought they looked absolutely ridiculous.

The sun was setting, the light of it breaking through the beams horizontally. The whole house was a reddish gold, the wood seeming to glow. His mother put a CD into the player and asked if he knew the song. It was Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now. Her voice was deep and husky like she had smoked a lot.

His mother said they used to rock him to sleep to this song. It was hard imagining that. Imagining a normal family immersed in calmness.

Robin started asking people to dance with her. Sam continued to do his work and then he looked up.

George was dancing with her. They were dancing with each other.

His breath caught in his chest and everything seemed to move in slow motion.

It was as if someone had pressed a rewind button, a memory from his past playing out right before his eyes. He couldn't look away.

Robin laughed a warm laugh her eyes half lidded, her hair flying out around her as George swayed her gently.

Sam would give anything to have that again. He could have enjoyed the scene in front of him but he stared with sadness in his soul. It was an illusion, a dream, painfully temporary. Pangs of pain resonated inside him . Sam turned away. Don't let it fool you he thought. There are no happy endings in life, no fairytales. Just truth, lifeless reality.

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The garage was filled with a heavy, impermeable silence. Sam felt tense but he finally said it. 'I took some of your Vicodin."

George's voice was devoid of neither surprise nor shock. He answered nonchalantly. "I know…why?"

To take it all away. "Because I like how it feels not to feel."

George answered with familiarity, "I know the feeling."

Sam sat down on his bed trying to find the words to describe what he was feeling at that moment. "How do you become something you're not?"

"What would you like to be?"

"What I'm not."

"What are you now?"

Silence. The world was still. Sam looked down shamefully. "I'm nothing."

George seemed to be disheartened by this. "That's not true."

Sam buried his face in his hands. His eyes were hot. "You see that's the thing. I am what I say I am."

"I gave up on you."

"No...if you had given up on me I'd be in Tahoe right now."

"What would you be doing?"

Sam answered emotionlessly. "Getting high I guess."

'And if I told you to stop?"

"I haven't used anything in 2 days. I'm trying."

George felt a flicker of hope. "I'm proud of you."

Sam looked away. "Yeah well don't be. And hide the….whatever that new drug is you have. I like it."

Sam lay down with his headphones blaring rowdy music in his ears, his eyes shut.

George suddenly remembered his own father, back when he was still alive.

"I put a gun to my father's head once…Do you ever think like that? He was passed out, just screaming at my mother about nothing…undercooked meat. I went back to my room and pulled the barrel right up to his ear…then I chickened out again.

George almost laughed at his own naïveté.

"Course it was a BB gun. But it still would've hurt like hell."

Sam hadn't noticed his father speaking, but then he realized George was facing him and his mouth was moving, forming words.

'Are you talking?"

"Just thinking about my mom, how she wouldn't leave my dad."

The distant look in George's gray eyes told Sam he was full of secrets. Sam sat up listening to him.

"I remember one night she made us dinner with sunglasses on. It was dark outside and in. And nobody said a thing about it."

George didn't have to explain that. Sam knew what it meant. She was hiding bruises. He found it strange that George's mom would stay after the abuse, that she'd take punch after punch and act like nothing happened. If he were in that kind of situation he'd shoot the guy in the skull or poison him. But Sam hadn't been there. Sam wasn't beaten into submission. He wasn't threatened.

George's mother may have been scared for her life, but she wasn't going to leave her son with that man alone. And even after everything the only thing she saw when she looked at her husband was the man he used to be, charming and chivalrous. He would act so sweet after he'd beat her within an inch of her life. He'd buy her a pretty new dress or bring her a bouquet of the reddest prettiest roses she'd ever seen. He would stroke her bruises and kiss them and say he was sorry. And then the next day he'd hit her all over again, the fading green bruises a deep violet again. And she would be a mute again. Smiling weakly every now and then, but keeping her head down. George's father got aggravated by that too. When she wouldn't answer his question he shoved her. Her head hit an end table and she ended up having to get stitches from her temple to her eyebrow. She never won.

George remembered the day they both died as he told Sam about it_. _

_His dad was incredibly drunk. He was complaining about how miserable his wife looked all the time._

"_Stop acting like I don't take care of you. Who pays the bills? Huh? Who pays for your shoes and clothes. Let me prove to you how much I love you. Let's go out and eat. Put on your best dress and your makeup the way I like it."_

_She seemed frightened by this. She could almost bear taking the blows in the secrecy of their home, behind closed doors. But she couldn't face the humiliation, how people realized how much he owned her like she was a car, some inanimate object. She couldn't handle the shame._

_The steely emotionless look on his face scared her more than that. She went back inside putting on a long short sleeved cotton dress, a taupe color covered with blue forget – me- nots. She put on the reddest lipstick she had, her russet curls spilling out of a straw hat, with a blue ribbon wrapped around it, a bow on the side. It was the early eighties, but George's mother dressed like it was the forties. On anyone else it would've looked outdated, but she had just the right movie star beauty to pull it off. _

_George almost felt twenty-two again, watching her as she sat at her dresser getting ready. She saw his distraught face in the mirror, a stray dark brown curl on his forehead, sadness etching his handsome face, his thick raven lashes wet with tears._

"_Don't go, mom. Don't let him walk all over you again. Every day you have an extra mark on your face."_

_She motioned for him to come over. She ran a hand through his thick hair. "You may have your father's hair color, but the curls are all mine and so are your eyes. " She paused when she noticed the drained look on his face wasn't changing. _

"_You don't have to worry about me, George. I can take care of myself. Why don't you worry about college, about your dream? I know you could be the best architect. Those drawings you make, they're amazing."_

"_My dreams are shit without you in them, without you there to be proud of me."_

_She smiled lovingly. "I'm already proud of you."_

_He hugged her. Her eyes closed almost painfully. It had been so long since someone had hugged her, been tender. She was so used to the pain that touches would bring. But his hug made her strong enough to go out with her husband. She'd always have her son, her amazingly sweet son. She kissed his cheek , a red stain there. Then she walked out. _

"_See you tonight George."_

_That was the last time she kissed him, the last time she hugged him, the last time she smiled. On their way back home George's father was so drunk he ran a red light. A car that had the green light was going through the intersection. He was going 40 miles an hour. The car flipped over. His mother didn't die the way it was played out in the movies. She didn't go through the windshield. She died with her seat belt on. The impact of their car hitting the other one broke her neck. Her eyes were still and lifeless long before the car stopped moving. George's father wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He went through the windshield. He hit his head on the pavement and hemorrhaged to death. _

_The driver in the other car was a poor single mother, struggling to make ends meet. She died instantly. Her daughter was not as fortunate. She broke her spine at her waist. She was permanently paralyzed. She was only twelve when this happened. She lived the rest of her life in foster homes. No one wanted to adopt a paraplegic. _

George could still smell his mother's perfume. He remembered how the trees swayed back and forth in the spring breeze, the cherry blossoms raining down on him at her funeral.

The scene before him turned back into his garage. Sam silence gave away his haunted reaction. He looked at George. "Do you ever wish you'd done it?"

"What…killed my father? I loved him too much."

As stupid and illogical as it sounded it was true. George's father wasn't always the cruel villain he pretended to be. Some days he was nice, he'd play baseball with George. He'd teach him how to play football and tackle opponents. He'd give him advice. It was these moments that made his mother and him doubt their feelings about him, justify all the pain he caused. He was a good man, just one who was stressed out, who hadn't grown up with the best of circumstances.

Sam looked at him like he was an idiot. "That's weird." He said quietly and went back to listening to his music.

Sam had never realized how much his father was like himself. George hadn't been numb, he hadn't been hopeless for the sake of being so. He was human. Humans create barricades around themselves, turn themselves off because of hurt. As much as Sam had disliked his parents at least they were there. They existed. They were alive. George didn't have that blessing. How could Sam have ever expected that his father could be normal? The only reason that he let Robin take Sam away was because he doubted himself. He wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to be a good father. He never knew how much pain it caused Sam. But he seemed sorry. And for now that was enough.


	10. Yearning

**A/N: So the next few chapters are going to be more lighthearted than the previous ones. There's gonna be a lot more comedic relief (thank God). That being said I'm going to have to rate this chapter M. For anyone who's seen the entire movie there's a naughty shower scene between Alyssa and Sam. And I'm not going to skip it. The beauty of the movie is in its bluntness and irreverence and I'm going to stick to that. **

Part I

Chapter Nine

Yearning

The garage was silent. The ocean's waves blended into the hum of crickets outside. George's breathing was slow. He was asleep.

Sam was staring at the glittery charm in the palm of his hand, illuminated by the dim light of his bedside lamp. It was tarnished. But then again a decade would do that to a lot of things. Including people. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice told him to forget her. That she caused more pain than she was worth. But someone once said that the good things in life don't come easy. And the fact of the matter was that he couldn't possibly love someone else. He would have liked to. It would have made life easier. But your heart doesn't do what you want it to do. You love who you love. And he loved Alyssa.

It was two or three in the morning. He took the keys and started George's rusty yellow truck, driving down along a winding road. Granted 16 year olds weren't supposed to drive after midnight, but Sam had never been one to give a shit.

He parked in the driveway of a small house, Amber's.

He rang the doorbell persistently. Finally it opened, a sleepy Amber standing in the doorway, her hair resembling a crow's nest.

"Whattya want? It's three in the fucking morning. I told you I'd pay for the new wiring as soon as I got a chance!"

He smirked. "I'm not your landlord, Amber, it's Sam."

'What…" She rubbed her eyes. They were still blurry from sleep.

The young man before her couldn't possibly be Sam. He wasn't wearing eyeliner or netted shirts. His head wasn't adorned in metal. The faded blue streak in his hair and his piercing blue-green eyes gave him away, though.

"That's what you look like underneath all that makeup and piercings."

"I'll re-pierce my ears if you miss it so much."

"That came out wrong...come in, lovey."

They sat in her kitchen and she fixed Sam some hot cocoa. "So what brings you to my house at this ungodly hour?"

"I would've called, but my dad doesn't have a phone."

"You're staying at your dad's…that's new."

"Not willingly, he kind of kept me hostage there. It's not really as bad as I made it out to be, though. He's manned up and taken responsibility. I guess he realized how much of an asshole he'd been to me. Decided to make it right."

'That's great, honey. I'm so happy for you!"

He noticed her disappointed gaze. "You seem sad. Did I say something?"

"I was always the one you came to when you were upset about something. It was nice feeling needed. You don't need me anymore."

"You'll always be my second mom Amber. And life is not going to be easy. I'll always need you as my personal therapist."

"Well I don't work for free, Sam." She crossed her arms.

"What do you want?"

She fluffed her hair innocently.

"It's been a while since I've worn makeup, Amber. I'm getting a bit rusty."

"I don't care, Sam. Anything's better than this." She pointed to her dark circles.

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He'd seated her in front of him. He applied some purple makeup to her eyelids.

She looked in the mirror. "God I just love the way you do eyes."

"You're gonna have to give up your day job, Amber."

'Why?"

"Cause they're going to want you at the strip joint. They pay better than at the school too."

She pinched his cheek painfully. "You're lucky you're so freaking adorable, Sam, I just can't bear to ruin that pretty face of yours."

He smiled. "Don't lie, Amber. I mean I know I'm not butt ass ugly, but I'm not good looking either."

Amber exploded into laughter. "Are you kidding? You're fucking gorgeous. God Sam you've been so busy hating yourself you haven't had time to notice how insanely handsome you are!"

He felt uncomfortable. Sarcastically he replied, "Yeah, these knobby knees of mine are painfully attractive, and just look at my translucent skin, so hot."

Amber held herself as she laughed uncomfortably.

'Seriously Amber, I thought I had a drug habit, but maybe I should be concerned about you. Just what are you on?"

"Shutup, Sam!"

He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah I admit it, you may be a bit too skinny, but you're still a handsome kid. I mean just look at how tall you are. Do you know how many guys would kill to be that tall?"

"It just exaggerates how skinny I am."

"No, it makes you look mature."

He raised an eyebrow and looked at her with annoyance.

"And those beautiful eyes of yours, so expressive."

He buried his face in his hands. "I regret coming here."

"And those lips of yours, so full. "

'You're starting to freak me out." He stood up and walked back to her kitchen.

She followed him. "You came here for a reason, Sam. Tell me what 's bothering you."

He looked out the window. There was nothing there but black night and a few streetlights, but he couldn't look her in the face and say it. "There's this girl…."

She howled with laughter.

He turned around and frowned. "See! I knew you'd think it was stupid!"

"I'm not laughing at you, Sam, I'm laughing at the fact that you're asking a widowed, single woman for romantic advice."

"You've got more experience than me. I've never even really kissed a girl."

She was quiet. "That's so cute."

Sam sighed. "Yeah, just adorable."

"So what exactly did you want to ask?"

He sat back down. "How do I make her like me? I mean you're a woman, what do you like?"

"You can't MAKE anyone like you, Sam. And what I like could be very different from what she likes."

He looked at her disappointed. "Well, that was pointless. I'm going home."

"I do have advice for you Sam, maybe if you were patient you'd figure that out."

'What?"

"Be yourself, the way you are around me. Be your hilarious, cute self. And when the time is right maybe in a month or two, tell her how you feel."

"There's just one problem. She's already claimed."

"Oh. Well, that changes things."

"Her boyfriend is such an arrogant prick too. But he's popular and so is she. She'd never leave him for me."

"I can't tell you anything else, Sam. Just be her friend, be yourself around her. If she can't see how amazing you are, then she's not the one for you."

He sat back in his chair, looking at Amber's kitchen curtains. "I want her to be."

"Well, life doesn't give us everything we want. If it did I'd have a husband and a few kids annoying the crap out of me right now."

"God, you adults are supposed to know things."

"That's a myth. We're just as lost as you young people are. We're just better at hiding it."

The look on Amber's face made Sam regret asking her about this particular subject.

"You'll find someone, Amber."

"I'm going to be 36 in a month Sam. I'm an old hag. Not exactly a man magnet."

"Well, we can just be lonely together I guess."

"Oh Sam, shut-up. You're 16. You're still a child. You have all the time in the world. Me on the other hand, old…my biological clock is ticking. And I won't always have you to be my sit in kid. You'll be man in a few years. You'll go away to college and get married and I'll be all alone…again."

"You forget how tragically inexperienced and unlucky I am in the love department, Amber. No one is gonna want to marry me."

They both broke out into laughter. "You'd actually have to do something to know whether or not you have bad luck with women, Sam."

The sound of a passing car permeated the silence. "You could always adopt." He said.

"I'm not sterile, Sam…and don't you even mention artificial…"

He cut her off with the sound of his laughter.

"It's not the same as having your own. I mean knowing a kid came from you, your flesh and blood, it strengthens the bond."

"Well since we're both so sure about our futures let's make a bet. Six years from now I think I'll still be single, and you Amber, you're gonna be married and knocked up. If that's the case you'll owe me 50 dollars."

"And if you've got a girl and I'm still single you owe me 50."

Sam smiled. "Deal."

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When Alyssa stepped into the shower the next morning, Sam expected it to go as usual. Her being a tease, displaying her nakedness in front of him, enjoying his misery about not being able to have what she paraded around him. And it would have if she hadn't questioned his sexuality.

"What's the point of this?" He asked uncomfortably.

"Does everything have to have a point?"

An awkward silence filled the bathroom. Sam seriously considered leaving right then. Alyssa ran her washcloth over her breasts shamelessly. He had never had such an intense erection in his life.

'Are you sure you're totally into guys?"

He furrowed his eyebrows and stared at her incredulously. Even SHE thought he was gay.

'I'm not gay." He paused for a second and looked down at his dick. "I mean HELLO!"

She fought the urge to smile. "Yeah I was wondering."

"You're driving me crazy. Do you know what's it like trying to jack off in an armoire?"

She looked at him confused. "Not really."

"You're off, you know, you're way off."

"I thought I was helping you."

Helping me? Helping me how exactly, helping me get bluer balls? He didn't remember her being this stupid when they were younger. In fact it seemed to him at the moment that she had the intelligence of a 13 year old. Being a cocktease was not helpful to any guy, especially one who would never get what he wanted out of said cocktease.

His eyes were half lidded as he brought his face closer to hers. "It would help me if I could kiss you." He said softly.

She seemed shocked by that. "No, I thought we were just friends."

"What you think you know doesn't have much to do with reality. I mean I hope I'm not the first to say this about you."

Alyssa had always wanted to kiss him, but she had held back before. Because of Josh. Because of her friends' disapproving glares. But as his face was mere inches from her, his flushed face covered in water, his lush lips slick with water and a dark look in his eyes she decided she didn't care.

" Okay, but then we'll just be friends."

His face was only centimeters away, she could feel his hot breath against her face. It made the skin over her cheeks and her nose tingle and she realized that the area between her hips was throbbing with desire. He was very hesitant and she found it rather cute, especially considering he was a bit too old to be that shy.

He brushed his lips against hers awkwardly. He obviously didn't know to make out with a girl. She closed the distance parting his lips aggressively. He shut his eyes and pressed her flush against himself, one hand at the small of her back, the other trailing down her spine. He kissed her back with intensity, no longer afraid. He ran his tongue over the roof of her mouth and she sighed arching into him slightly. He ran his hand over her bottom pushing her hips against his harder. He saw colors behind his eyelids, pulled away slightly, and his body thundered with the most intense orgasm he'd ever had. He moaned loudly. She looked annoyed, staring at the cum on her hips and thighs. "Yuck! You're scrubbing down the shower!"

If he wasn't recovering from climax, moaning against the glass, he would've laughed. She had never been naked with a guy before. It was adorable.

As his breathing returned to normal it dawned on him that he'd almost fucked the girl of his dreams and he smiled weakly. The world was upside down and he liked it.


	11. More than Friends

**A/N: I don't think I even have to say it. Rated M for sexuality…AGAIN. Enjoy! **

Part I

Chapter Ten

More than Friends

Sam didn't realize that it would feel awkward to be near her after such an experience. But as he sat at the picnic table with his brothers and Alyssa he felt like everyone knew what they'd done. He stole a glance from her while everyone was busy eating. She smiled back coquettishly.

After the meal was done Sam's half brothers started chasing each other around George's yard. Sam rolled his eyes and smiled. "Mom, they're acting retarded again."

Robin giggled. "They're bored. Take them to the movies Sam."

"No." he answered back dryly.

Adam yelled a suggestion. "Goofy Movie!"

Ryan frowned. "Eww, that looks so stupid."

"Does not!" yelled Adam back. He pushed Ryan. But since Ryan was bigger and older it didn't really do much. Ryan proceeded to shove Adam to the ground. Adam burst into tears. "Jerk!" he yelled.

Sam walked over and scooped up Adam. "Enough. You should know better Ryan." Sam eyed his brother warily.

He swung Adam over his shoulder. Adam started flailing and screaming.

"Whoa, little man. Relax."

Ryan crossed his arms, his blond hair in blowing in the sea wind.

Sam patted Adam's small back gently. "Say you're sorry."

"He pushed me first!"

'I don't care. Say it or I swear to god I'll tell Peter you were the one threw his designer suit in that pool. "

"That was you!"

"Say it!"

'Sorry."

Sam lifted Adam from his shoulder and brought the six year olds face to his, eyes locked with his. "You okay?"

Adam smiled sweetly and brought his little hands up to Sam's hollow cheeks. "Thanks."

Sam beamed. 'Anytime little man." He lowered Adam to the ground.

George's truck was only meant to hold two people. There were no back seats. But somehow the four of them managed to squeeze into the front seats, Alyssa pushed up against the passenger door.

Adam suspected Sam had a thing for Alyssa. Unbeknownst to Sam he was watching them stare at each other with googly eyes. He was a bit jealous. He'd always admired his older brother and now that Sam was nicer, Adam didn't want to share him with anyone else.

"Does she have to come?" Adam whined.

"Definitely, now buckle up."

Of course as soon as they got there Sam and Alyssa realized the movie Adam wanted to see was midway through and the next showing was at 8, which was the children's bedtime. He gave them both money. "Go to the arcade."

They ran happily towards the flashing lights of the videogames.

"So I've been wanting to see Me, Myself, And Irene." Alyssa suggested.

"No." Sam kept an eye on Adam and Ryan.

"No?" She said sourly.

"Alyssa, I didn't bring you here to watch movies."

"So you got to a movie theatre and you don't actually see a movie?"

He looked at her. "So you get in the shower with a guy and expect nothing to happen?"

He smirked at her reaction.

"Shutup, Sam. It was stupid of me. I'm kinda new at the whole sex thing."

"You sure as hell don't act like it."

"Are you calling me a slut?" Her lips curled playfully.

His blue-green eyes were full of mischief. "Maybe."

He took her hand and led her back to a dark corner and pinned her to the wall. She placed her hands on his slim hips. "What happened to just friends?" She whispered.

"If you'd really wanted to be just friends, you wouldn't join me every morning for a shower."

"I have a boyfriend, Sam."

He began to kiss her neck. "Shutup."

She threw her head back, her hands winding around his waist. He raised his head and covered her mouth with his. Her hand was at the nape of his neck, playing with the little wispy curls there. This time he took the lead, moving her lips with his in a deep kiss. He held her face in his hand, his fingers dug into her soft hair. Their tongues danced with each other and she moaned into his mouth. She ran her hands inside his dress shirt and teased his black shirt up, feeling the smooth skin of his back under her fingers.

As much as Alyssa owned her sexuality, as skilled as she was at teasing boys with her flirtatious ways, there were places she hadn't gone. No one had given her such a heady, dizzy feeling. Josh kissed her with arrogance, but Sam kissed her with all his soul, like he had known her for eternity. Somehow he knew where to touch her; he knew how to make her open up, to make her give herself up to him.

He sighed a low octave into her mouth, running his hand over the back of her bare thigh, his fingers met with her silky polyester panties. She whimpered softly. He hoisted her leg up onto his hip and bit her bottom lip. She giggled and pulled away, her nose brushing his. He opened his intoxicated blue-green eyes partially, breathing shallowly. She tried to un-wrap her leg from his leg, but he held her there in a surprisingly strong grip.

She smiled seductively. "You need to slow down." She said in a soft voice.

"Don't talk." He whispered back. He kissed the edge of her lip, her jaw. He felt her palm press against his chest. He lifted his head and locked eyes with hers. "What?"

She was silent for a moment. "You're even more beautiful up close."

He smiled. "Beautiful? I thought that prize went to Josh."

"He's nothing compared to you." She said.

He was still, breathless. A confused look on his face.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing. It's just nice hearing that. Knowing you want me as much as I've wanted you."

She pulled him into a tender hug. He pressed his cheek against hers. She ran her hand through the thick hair on the back of his head, her other hand running up and down his back.

"I love you." He whispered.

That took her by surprise. Before she could find the words to say she heard Sam's little brothers calling out for him. He pulled away from her quickly and walked out of the dark with Alyssa trailing behind.

"What's up?" Sam asked.

Adam walked up to Sam and craned his head at a painful angle to look up at Sam. "More money?"

Sam smiled down at his little brother. "I gave you five dollars Adam."

"I used it all up on one game."

Sam laughed. "Not my problem. You get what you get, little man and that's it."

Adam made a whiny little noise, like he was straining to carry something heavy and Sam imitated him.

"Meanie." Adam said.

Sam smiled with one side of his mouth. "You can't everything you want by being cute. Now stop pouting at me."

Adam stomped his foot and Sam smiled again. Adam was about to have a tantrum. Sam picked him up and spun him around, Adam's short little legs breaking the air around them. His high pitched squeal filled the area. Adam giggled.

"Whoa, little man. I didn't know you could fly." Sam yelled.

"You're holding me up stupid." He squealed back.

"Now I'm gonna have to punish you, Adam." He spun Adam faster. "Whoohoo!"

Sam fell backwards, laughing all the way down to the ground. All Sam saw was a face with big blue eyes staring back at him. Adam smiled a toothless grin. "Money."

Sam feigned offense. "And I thought you wanted to hang out with me. You just want my money."

"Moneeey!" Adam bounced up and down on Sam.

"No, now get off me."

Adam listened. As Sam went to get up Adam got hold of his leg. He started pulling at it, but he was much too small to make Sam move even a millimeter. Sam played along, though. He looked up at Alyssa who was laughing to the point of tears.

"Help, Alyssa. He's going to mug me and take my wallet."

Alyssa stopped laughing. "Looks like we've got company."

Sam sat up and saw a theatre employee walking over. "Shit." He cursed under his breath.

He stood up. "Hi." He said politely.

"If you plan on staying you should stop causing such a commotion. Otherwise the door is that way."

"Sorry."

The employee walked away.

Sam gave them each two more dollars. He looked at Ryan. "Look after your little brother."

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The radio in George's truck played sleepy songs as Alyssa and Sam kissed in the front seat. She sat on his lap, her blue skirt hiked up high, her inner thighs pressed against his hips. His hands fumbled for the clasp of her bra. She giggled against his lips. It unclipped and she pulled it off. She was wearing nothing under her thin camisole and Sam hands ventured under there. Her skin was warm and she breathed deeply under his touch.

He kissed up the column of her neck. Her eyes were shut and her hair creating a curtain around their faces. He kissed the spot where her jaw met her neck under her chin and she mewled. She lowered herself back down onto his lap and felt how hard he was. He seemed drunk as he looked at her. He brought his hand up to her face, his fingers over her brow, the outline of her face, over her raspberry lips. She brought her hands up to his solitary one kissing each gracefully long finger. His hands were on either side of her face as he kissed her softly. He took her hands in his and held them between him and her. Alyssa's heart fluttered against his hands. She was on her back. She could remember only one time she was pinned and that was with Josh. Sam didn't make it obscene. This was the boy she could imagine kissing her during her first time. With Josh she'd been scared which explained why she hadn't let him sleep with her.

Sam was very still. Alyssa liked the pressure of his body on hers, the way his chest expanded harmoniously with hers. His hips were bony. That could have turned her off. But the combination of that and his erection made her ache for him to be inside her. He was so quiet as he gazed down at her. She raised her leg ups up on either side of him. His eyes widened on cue with the parting of his lips. He looked strangely innocent then….sweetly shy. He was hesitant like he had been the first time they kissed. He lowered his lips onto hers. When her hips stated rocking under his he pulled his lips away and exhaled. Her cheeks were flushed and she bit her lip. She rolled her pelvis under his and he said her name breathlessly. "mhhhhh." He brushed his nose against hers and captured her lips with his. His fingers played with the elastic waistband of her underwear.

As much as she wanted him to make love to her, she reminded herself they were in a car and that cheapened it. She stopped his hands.

'Not here." She whispered.

'Alyssa." He whined.

"I want it to be special."

"You want me to be the one you have your first time with?"

"Yes."

"What about Josh?"

"Forget about him. I want you."

"In case you haven't noticed you haven't broken up with him. Are you sure I'm not sort of side dish, some sort of amusement?"

"I've never felt this way with him. I want you."

He laid his head on her chest and twined his fingers around hers. "Don't change your mind."

She started running her fingers through his dark hair. "I won't."

He seemed suddenly younger than his years then. She held him like he was some vulnerable child. She felt his hair brush her chin as he tucked his head under hers. They lay that way for a while. When the radio host announced the time they sat up. It was time to go get the boys.

When she tried to sit up Sam's hands were on either side of her on the car's leather. His forehead pressed against hers. She felt his fingers on the bare skin of her waist. He started to pull her camisole up. It stopped just under her breasts. He palmed the mound of flesh over her heart. He could feel her nipples harden under thin fabric. And then he moved his hand down, first the bunching of fabric and then her warm belly. His fingers were sprawled out. He ran his hand over the slight round rise of her lower belly in a circular motion. She rose and fell under his touch. He lowered his head and she felt his soft mouth graze the skin around her navel.

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She stepped out of the car and pulled down her shirt. She checked her reflection in the window. "Sam, you destroyed my hair!"

She saw his figure behind her. He was blurred and distorted but she could definitely make out a devilish smile on his face. His hands were on her head. He messed her hair up again and she yelled a loud "what the fuck!" into the parking lot.

Sam chuckled. "Was that a swear?"

"I'm not a 5 year old, Sam."

"Yeah, but you're as prissy as one."

"You're a jerk."

This time Sam was merciless. He ruffled her hair zealously and she screamed at the top of her lungs. A family getting into a nearby car stared at them. The father rolled his eyes. "Crazy kids."

She tried stomp Sam's foot, but he was wearing boots and she was wearing sandals. He didn't even react as her foot came down on his. Instead he chuckled and wrapped his arms around her. She wriggled until he brought his lips up to her ear. "Lighten up."

His breathe sent shivers down her spine. "Look who's talking."

Sam pulled her to him, her back pressed against him. His hands slipped under her camisole, his palms and fingers traveling the expanse of her belly. His mouth was still tantalizingly close to her ear. "You're so soft."

Her knees were weak. She placed her hands over his and pulled them away from her. 'Seriously Sam. We need to go."

He walked off with a satisfied smile on his face. He locked the car and started for the theater.

They were close to the arcade when Adam ran over excitedly, his mouth surrounded by something blue and sticky. 'I won 5 times, Sam!"

Ryan didn't look impressed. "Yeah, because you played the easiest game in the arcade!"

Sam kneeled so he was eye to eye with Adam. "What did you win?"

"Tokens. I bought candy with them!"

'I can see that."

Alyssa meanwhile had gone to get napkins. She wiped Adam's mouth. "You'll make us look bad babysitters."

On the drive home Adam began singing Akunamatata from the Lion King as loudly as he was physically capable of doing.

Alyssa was doubled over laughing to the point of hyperventilation. Sam smiled. "You guys are going to get me into an accident.

"It means no worries for the rest of our days!"

Alyssa wasn't laughing loudly anymore, instead she went back and forth between quiet giggles and whines. "Stop, Adam."

The car gradually quieted. Alyssa was confused with herself, with her reaction to Sam. She'd never felt that way around any other guy. Was it actual feelings or a fleeting sexual attraction? Was it the fact that he was mysterious, a bit of a bad boy? That's certainly what had attracted her to Josh. She was losing interest in Josh. He had become predictable. Once she knew everything about Sam, after all the mystery would she lose interest? Was it just the thrill of the chase?

She remembered having a crush on Sam's dad when she'd see him and her mother after their dates. He'd kiss Colleen passionately on the porch. He kissed her like the main characters of a romantic movie kissed each other at the end of the film. Was is just her boy crazy nature or was Sam special?

The car slowed in front of her house and Sam said "See you tomorrow."

He turned around and drove home with Adam and Ryan.

Alyssa walked to George's house instead of hers. He was lying on the bed sleepily.

When she bent over him seductively he looked confused but he didn't move. She lowered her lips to his and kissed him, not a peck, but full on the lips with tongue. She felt…..nothing, not a spark. There wasn't the humming of desire between her hips. It felt extremely mechanical and dry.

"That's not what I was expecting."

"What did you think it would be?"

"I don't know…she realized breathless, 'more like when I kiss Sam."

_Sam. She remembered his arms around her in the shadows. The tender "I love you" he whispered._

It was clear she liked him more than a friend. And it wasn't a crush either.

_The image of his six year old face flashed before her eyes as he blew air into her face. "That's what my mommy does for my boo-boos." And moments later he pushed her on a swing. In her mind the memory changed seamlessly. She went back on the swing and then forward and Sam was older, eleven. She crashed into him and he laughed. Then he hugged her, a sweet, profound hug. And the kiss after he broke her teacups. And the kiss in the shower. And the one in the movie theater. And the ones in the car. _

It was clear Alyssa had feelings for Sam. Ones that edged dangerously close to a four letter word that was stronger than the word like. Her relationship with him had perhaps always encompassed those feelings. More than friendship. Deeper. One-ness. One soul in two bodies. Puzzle pieces that fit together. Sam didn't have to say anything to her. All he needed to do was look into her eyes and she knew what he wanted to say. All the moments from when she was six to now were wrapped up in him. He didn't even need to be there. Her past didn't exist without him in it. And maybe her future wouldn't either. Maybe she loved him. Even if it scared her to death to love someone like that. To love someone so broken and fragile. She'd be lying to herself if she denied it. She could put different names on it. She could rationalize it anyway she wanted.

But there was no other word to describe the odd sense of both calm and thrill she felt around him. There was no other word for the breathlessness, for the dizziness, for the warmth, for the electricity along her body when he touched her. There could be no other word. She **loved** him.


	12. I Love You

Part I

Chapter Eleven

I Love You

Sam had been pretty good-natured recently, but Robin didn't expect him to be outright nice towards her so when he strode into the kitchen her heart leapt up into her throat. She wanted to run and hug but didn't want to risk anything.

Adam and Ryan had run in ahead of him. Adam was ecstatic. "Sam let me play one videogame for two hours straight!'

'There were no PG's so I just gave them money to play games.'

She smiled at him. 'Are you staying for dinner?"

He gave her a wry smile. "Depends what I give up on."

He smiled. A smile seems like such a trivial thing, so cliché. When it's on the face of someone you love, especially someone who hasn't been happy in ages, you don't take it for granted. She remembered the first time she'd seen Sam smile.

_He was almost two. George was bouncing him up and down in his arms. Usually Sam just stared in wide eyed amazement, squealing. That one time he was quiet. And then his lips curled, his huge light eyes shut and he let out an adorable giggle. Robin couldn't get enough of it so she went up and tickled him. He laughed until his round cheeks reddened over pale skin._

She had a stupid grin while she daydreamed and Sam raised an amused eyebrow.

He had seemed so lost to her. Anytime she had seen him smoke or looked at his hazy eyes after he'd taken something she didn't really see a teenager doing these things. She saw a little boy. He would always be a little boy to her. She'd see his laugh in her mind. And she'd see his cry. She'd see tears run over round cheeks. When her teenage son would stare numbly in the distance, she knew that little disappointed boy was still there. He was just too tired, he was dying. Every day she saw a bit of that little boy disappear. She knew that soon the last dregs of that little boy would go away and soon the young man would go with him. Some nights when she lay in bed she wondered how much longer it would be until she'd find Sam in his room, face down in his sheets and lifeless. She did this every night and every night there was a new way she'd see him die. Sometimes she'd see him suspended from the ceiling with his head bent at a strange angle and eyes terrifyingly open, terrifyingly non-human. People didn't look human when they'd been hanged. One night she fell asleep. She dreamed she was in her room and the house was silent. And then a deafening noise filled her ears. Her legs were like lead. They knew what had happened. But she walked to where the noise came from. She opened the bathroom door and Sam was sitting against the wall opposite the door with a gun in the limp hand by his side. There were pieces of his teeth on his gauzy netted shirt. They weren't white, but a shiny pink. The front of his shirt was darker than the rest. His beautiful lips were slightly open fragments of something stuck in them and they looked glossy, a garnet gloss over that and his chin. The hair on the back of his head was a bit spikier than the rest, wet. Just behind it there was a pulpy red stain, like fireworks.

When she woke up from that dream she couldn't breathe and she vomited in the bathroom. Then she sobbed in the kitchen where no one could hear her.

When Sam was setting the table in a contented calm the weight of the world had lifted of Robin's shoulders.

Her happiness was short lived. Ryan and Adam couldn't seem to find Peter. When she went into their bedroom he wasn't there. She remembered today had been his day off. His car was not in the driveway and some of his belongings were missing. It clicked in her mind. They'd had a fight. He had left…for good.

She ate her dinner in stunned silence. She couldn't do anything. She didn't even thank Sam when he washed the dishes. He lead the boys upstairs, looking back at her questioningly. He was gone for a good 20 minutes. He had Adam's favorite bedtime story in his hand. He set it down on the table and walked over to the table his mother was sitting at. He sat down and looked at her quietly, his head tilted slightly.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Peter left me."

Sam could have issued a few swears or an 'I told you so', but that was insensitive. He stretched his arm across the table and placed his hand over hers. She started quivering. Robin pulled her hand away from under his and buried her face in her hands. She shook as sobs came out of her. Sam had been blind to everybody else's pain for a long time but her crying opened up a seam inside him. It made him feel immense remorse for what he had done to her. More than anything, though it made him want to kill Peter. She got up and went over to the couch, rolled up in a ball.

Sam walked wordlessly over and drew her into his arms. The child parenting the parent. She was smaller than him. She buried her face in his chest, insecure and scared. It was happening all over again. Disappointed with love.

He stroked her hair. She trembled. For some moments time disappeared. It was only the two of them in the room. Her quaking body shook with more subtlety. Then she was quiet.

"Mom." Sam whispered.

She didn't answer. He lifted her head off his chest. Her eyes were shut and her face was stained with drying tears.

The process of trying to pick her up without waking her was a difficult one. He carried her up the stairs slowly, trying to keep his own balance. Somehow he managed to open the door to her bedroom and turn on her light. Then he set her down on the bed and drew her sheets over her. He ran a finger over her brow. There were wrinkles there. Wrinkles of age, but more of pain. He kissed her forehead.

When he raised his head back up he said sorry, for Peter and for himself.

He lay awake in bed that night. An hour and a half later he got up and dialed the phone in the kitchen.

Sam was relieved when he heard her voice on the other end.

'Alyssa. I…can you come over?"

"I don't have my license yet, Sam."

"I'll come pick you up."

They sat together on Sam's bed sometime later. Alyssa had her legs folded Indian style.

She waited for Sam to break the silence.

"The fucker left her."

"Peter?"

"He just packed up and fucking left. The guy didn't give a shit that he has two small children. How is she gonna tell them that their father left them…that he doesn't love them?"

Alyssa put a hand on Sam's shoulder. He was especially worried for Adam. Sam was that exact age when his own world fell apart. The thought of that innocent little boy living what Sam lived hurt. He hung his head and clenched his jaw.

"They'll have you. You can fix everything he destroyed."

"No I can't. I can't even take care of myself. I sure as hell can't take care of them."

She wrapped her arms around him from behind and rested her head on his shoulder. "You don't know how strong you are."

He twined her fingers with his. "If I was strong I wouldn't have been a junkie. I would've handled things like a man."

"People make mistakes. But I know you can do it. I helped my mom through it every day after my dad left her. If someone as immature and naïve as me can do it than so can you."

"I'm sorry that he did that to you. You've handled it well. I hope I never meet the shithead."

"Why?"

"Because I'll kill him. He hurt someone special."

She kissed his cheek. "I'm special?"

"Don't let it go to your head."

There was a knock on the door. "Come in."

The door opened and Adam appeared. He was holding a teddy bear and his blanket. He was crying. "I had a bad dream."

"Come over little man."

"Can I sleep next to you tonight, Sam? I'm scared. The monsters will get me if I stay in my room."

Sam wanted to tell Adam something. The monsters in his head were not like the ones in life. Monsters in dreams were obvious. They were scary. But the monsters in your life looked a lot like you. You didn't know to run from them until it was too late. Adam wouldn't have understood this. Sam simply motioned for him to come over. He jumped into Sam's lap and clung to him.

"Hey little man."

"Do you think they'll come in here?"

Sam answered with levity. "My room is much scarier than any monster you'll ever see." He looked at all the Marilyn Manson posters. It wasn't entirely appropriate for a child's eyes. But Adam was too busy being scared to notice.

Alyssa was smiling at him proudly.

"You want me to tell you a story?"

"Does it have a happy ending?"

"Yes. "

Adam answered in a pitched voice. "Okay."

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess

"Eww, this is a girly story."

"Let me finish, Adam."

'Her father turned into a monster. They made him leave the castle. But everyday she was scared he'd come back." Sam looked at Alyssa while he was telling the story. She knew who the princess was.

"One day she met a prince. His father was a monster too."

"Was he a scary monster?"

"The worst."

Adam started to shake and Alyssa smirked at Sam.

"One day their monster fathers broke out of the dungeons."

"You're not supposed to make him more scared." She whispered.

"Shhhhh."

Adam imitated Sam. "Yeah, shhhhhh, Alyssa. No girls allowed."

She laughed.

"Did they get the prince and the princess?"

"Almost. You see, alone the prince and princess were normal. But together they had this power. They weren't scared of the monsters. The monsters tried to scare them. But the prince and princess loved each other so much they weren't afraid. This light came from them and it melted the monsters."

"Yay! And then what happened?"

Sam looked at Alyssa headily. "They got married and lived happily ever after."

She looked away uncomfortably after Sam's eyes left hers and were focused on Adam.

"So why don't you be that brave prince and go back to bed."

"You said that being together made the monsters go away. If I go back alone they'll get me."

Kids were remarkably astute. 'Alright."

Adam bounced up and down in Sam's lap excitedly. "You want Alyssa to tell you a story?"

Alyssa shook her head. "I'm not good at stories."

"You want her to read you Green Eggs and Ham?"

He smiled at his older brother and said "Sam I am."

"You want her to get it?"

"Yeah."

Adam sat still as Alyssa read the Dr. Suess book to him with expression, waving her hands around and imitating the characters. He giggled.

An hour and three books later Adam was asleep in Sam's arms, He had drooled on his shirt.

Alyssa's eyes were closed but she was still awake. "I'm exhausted."

"Can you take him back to his room? I would but my arms and legs are asleep."

She rolled her eyes.

'And be quiet, I really don't feel like reading eight more stories to him."

"You're telling me."

She scooped Adam into her arms and walked towards the door gingerly. His round little head was on her shoulder, his thick lashes brushing on rosy cheeks.

Sam's breath caught. He knew he was being incredibly sappy but he liked her that way. He wished he could see her in the future that way, with an auburn haired little boy or girl in her arms.

"You're getting ahead of yourself." He said to himself and lay in bed. He worried for Adam and Ryan. More for Adam.

He heard the door creak and felt the mattress sink. She put her head on his chest and laid an arm over his stomach. "What are you thinking about?"

"What happened today. You."

"What about me? How insanely hot I am?"

"No how someone as amazing as me could be caught dead with someone as hopelessly ugly as you."

She swatted his chest.

He chuckled. "You know I'm kidding."

She pecked his lips. "Jerk."

He ran his finger back and forth over the top of her hand. "You're one of the perfect things in a fucked up world."

He flipped onto his side and Alyssa slipped off him. Sam's lips were on her throat and his long arms were around her. This scared her a bit. How much he needed her. Her mom had needed her a lot. She didn't want to be anyone's savior. Her mother had been different. Sam was fragile and that scared her. She was afraid if she did something wrong it would ruin him. She didn't know if she wanted that responsibility. He made an "mmmmm" sound against her neck. His hand was at the small of her back underneath her shirt. He was tracing circular patterns there.

He nuzzled her chin and then captured her lips in a lazy kiss. She pulled away her breath ragged. "I have to go back home. Mom'll call the entire police squad for me.

He pinned her. "Forget her." He feathered kisses down her neck. She felt his hand graze the smooth skin of her shoulder, the strap slipping off. Pillowy lips brushed her collarbone and then rested on her shoulder. He lifted his head and looked down into her eyes quietly. Alyssa stroked his brow and then his cheek. He smiled and covered her mouth with his.

Sam's hands ran along her thigh tantalizingly slow as he kissed her deeply.

"She'll shoot you when she finds out what we've been doing."

Sam smiled playfully. "We've been reading a little kid bedtime stories."

"I mean before and after that."

"God, Alyssa you're such a tease."

"Your fault. You knew I wouldn't let you do me. I'm such a an innocent defenseless girl"

He smiled. "You love being taken advantage of by me."

"My mom won't like it."

"It's not like we're fucking."

"We're two steps from it."

"Alyssa, you're not a little girl anymore. And besides she doesn't mind when you're with josh. He's not exactly an angel."

"Do you remember what you looked like a few weeks ago? I mean pierced and strung out. Josh was smooth about that stuff. Do you think a parent would be okay with that? I mean she'd be afraid I was being influenced by you."

"Or worse. Deflowered in the back of a car with coke on her face. The horror."

She frowned.

'You're a bad influence on yourself, Alyssa. You're too curious for your own good."

She stared at him with an annoyed look on her face.

"You know I'm right. Now stop being a paranoid chick."

He smiled smugly as he sat up.

"Drive me home."

"Yes, ma'am." He said sarcastically. "When you get your license you drive yourself everywhere."

"well then say goodbye to your bodily privileges."

"Chivalry is dead."

"Oh really? You're going to earn every bit of it. Chastity belt."

"That's not what you said in the car."

A CD hit him in the back of the head as he was putting a jacket on. He turned to face her with a mock serious look on his face. She tried to look mad. She bit her lip. Sam remained expressionless. He didn't even blink.

Her shoulders started bobbing. And then she broke down into a fit of giggles. 'I hate you!"

He walked down the stairs and she trailed behind. "I need to redecorate your room. The whole I'm gonna kill you with a chainsaw thing is not a good look."

"No way. I'm not going to have pictures of Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys on my walls."

"I'm a bit insulted that you think I'm some mindless little girl."

"Give me a siiiiiiign." He skipped effeminately towards the front door.

She pushed him and he stumbled over the threshold of the door. "Relax." Sam said.

When Sam was driving her home she was silent. Sam gazed at her during a red light, her hair blowing in the cool night's wind. Her face was cast in a gold glow. He kissed her cheek and she turned to look at him wide eyed.

"You do that every time I touch you."

"I know, I'm a stupid

"It's cute. "

She put her hand on his thigh and his hand covered hers. He drove with one hand, his thumb running over her hand. When he raised it to his lips, brushing against her knuckles she swallowed a lump in her throat. A tear rolled down her cheek. He pulled up to her house. He noticed her brushing something off her face.

"Did I do something?"

"No….I was just thinking about my dad." She lied.

He caught a tear as it rolled off her lashes. That made her want to cry more. "Stop, Sam."

"I understand." He said softly. She got out of the car and walked to her front door. He waited for her to slip inside and then he drove off.

Alyssa couldn't get the image of Sam's tear streaked face in the moonlight out of her head. The five year old memory haunted her. At that time Sam's parents were the cause of those tears. She hoped, she prayed she wouldn't ever be the cause. She felt her spirit was connected to his. Anytime he was sad, heartbroken… a piece of her would break as if she was him, as if it was happening to her.

Love was never the way it was portrayed in the movies and in the fairytales. Happily ever after wasn't exactly the way it was portrayed. Because as much as Alyssa was in love with Sam she could never really be carefree. She was always worried. She was so afraid that she would damage something in him that couldn't be repaired.

But she couldn't be away from him. She needed him as much as he needed her. She could settle for someone like Josh. She could settle for the safety. But that would be boring. And Alyssa was not someone who settled for safe and boring in order to avoid risk. She was up for the challenge.

She hoped that there would always be a smile on his face. He deserved happiness more than anyone else. And she hoped she could cause that happiness, be a part of that happiness.

Her cell phone rang. She answered and heard a corny "hi."

She laughed. "Sam…we just talked."

She could sense him smiling, a goofy ear to ear smile.

"I know. I miss you."

"We haven't been apart long enough for you to miss me."

"I miss you even when you're with me." He said softly.

Alyssa felt her heart flutter unevenly. "Are you sure you're not buttering me up to get inside my pants."

She heard him laugh.

"Damn. I'll just have to find another way." He joked.

There was a pause. "Look out your window." He said.

"Why?"

"Just do it."

He was standing in her driveway, looking up at her. She opened the window.

"Saaaam!" she scolded. "I hope that jacket's warm cause you're gonna be out there a while."

He pouted.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine."

She unlocked the door. Sam stepped inside and took her in his arms. He spun her and she giggled. He set her down, a devilish look in his eyes and ran up the stairs like a kid on a sugar high. 'Sleep over!" he yelled.

"You're not getting in my pants like that either!"

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The amber morning sun illuminated their sleeping bodies. They were both topless. Alyssa was wearing a pink bra with PJ shorts. They were spooned together, Sam's body along hers, his arm sprawled over her waist.

He opened his eyes slowly. His hand trailed down her side. She stirred in her sleep. The edges of his lips curled into a smile. He ran his palm over her navel and under the waistband of her shorts. He heard a quiet sigh. "Stop." She whispered sleepily.

"Why?"

"Because it's pointless. We're not going to have sex."

"You think that's all I'm after?" he asked.

She giggled.

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to sleep with you. But I love you. I want to make love to you. "

"God, if you keep talking like that I just might let you."

He chuckled. "I'm not gonna be one of those guys. I'll wait as long as you want."

She turned and buried her head in his chest. "You're sweet."

"Anything for my girl." He whispered. Just saying that made him warm from his face to the tips of his toes.

She wrapped her arms around his narrow waist and brushed his nose with hers. He kissed her languidly, his lips moving across hers slowly. She pulled away and looked into his eyes as she cupped his face. "I love you." She said softly. He smiled.

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She slipped a t-shirt on and looked at her reflection in the mirror. "How am I gonna hide these hickies, Sam?" Little splotches of purple trailed down her neck.

"You'll figure something out." Sam answered wryly.

They walked down to the kitchen and sat beside each other. They ate cereal in silence. Sam looked at Alyssa eating, her face flushed with that freshly woken morning glow.

"I could get used to this." He said with a smile on his face. "Waking up with you."

"And then my mom would kill you."

"We could get a place of our own."

She giggled. "With what money?"

"I live in a mansion and I'm broke. Ironic."

"We'll just have to sneak around."

He smirked. "I like the sound of that."

Sam drove to his mother's house with Alyssa's face in his mind. Maybe he could clean up the mess his stepfather left, make sure that six year old boy who looked would never end up like him. Never end up lost and alone. Alyssa's love convinced him he was strong enough. He opened the front door.

Adam was up early, eating ice cream in the kitchen.

"I don't think mom would approve of that."

The little boy looked up. 'Sam!" he yelled excitedly. He ran towards Sam. Blissfully unaware of the chaos that had filled the house the night before. That relieved Sam. He scooped his little brother up in his arms.

"Miss me?" he asked. Adam nodded.

'Where were you?"

"Saving a beautiful princess from monsters."

"You like her?" Adam asked worriedly.

"I love her."

"Oh." Adam said disappointedly.

He ruffled the boy's hair. "I love you too. You're my favorite baby brother."

"Yeah Ryan's a meanie. I would hate him too if I were older."

Sam laughed. "Adam!" He set the boy down. "Put away the ice cream."

Adam ran back willingly and began to clean up. Sam smiled. Maybe the little boy would be normal…and happy. He couldn't save himself. But maybe he could save the child's. Sam's life finally had some purpose. He could make the ones he loved happy. And that more than anything made him content.


	13. So Beautiful When the Boy Smiles

Part I

Chapter Twelve

It's So Beautiful When the Boy Smiles

_You can tell he's been down for a while, but my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles._-Anna Nalick-Breathe(2 AM).

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That morning as Ryan and Adam ate breakfast with Robin and Sam, Ryan sensed something off. His mother wasn't a loud person, but today she was exceptionally quiet.

"What did I miss?"

Sam shot Ryan a warning, his brows furrowed slightly.

When Adam ran upstairs to change out of his jammies Sam spoke to Ryan. "Your dad left yesterday."

"Business trip?"

"No, I mean he left. One of his suitcases is gone. He's not going to be coming back anytime soon."

"Did I do something?"

'No, you're father is just an idiot."

"Yeah, no joke."

Sam was surprised. The boy was more intelligent than he let on.

"That's good. You're taking it well. Mom needs that."

'Are you going to tell Adam?"

"No one is gonna tell him anything."

"He'll figure it out."

"Not if I can help it."

Robin sipped her coffee, her swollen eyes were shut. Adam came running down the stairs.

"George's house!" he yelled. He ran into Robin's lap.

"Mom's tired. Maybe we can go without her."

Adam pouted up at Robin. She smiled weakly. "I'd love to go." She needed to get out of this house.

Robin drove her children to George's. Sam's head was turned towards the back of the car. He was making faces for Adam who was giggling. At one point he growled and Adam squealed.

Ryan rolled his eyes. "You're such a dork."

"Yeah, okay Poketard."

"Pokemon is totally badass."

Sam smirked. 'Don't swear in front of Adam."  
"Look who's freaking talking. You've said the f word in front of him like ten times!"

"Do as I say. Not as I do. Besides I'm grown up. I'm allowed to swear."

"You're only eight years older than me, idiot."

"I'm gonna hang you by your tightie whities if you don't close your mouth."

"Can I watch?" Adam jumped up and down.

Sam broke down into laughter. Robin put a hand on his shoulder. "You're a horrible role model."

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Alyssa was already at George's house on the roof. She was wearing a long dress shirt and shorts that could barely be seen. It looked like she was only wearing the shirt. Her legs gleamed in the sun. Sam enjoyed the view. When Alyssa heard Ryan and Adam goofing around she looked down at Sam. "Hey."

"You wanna come down for a minute?"

"No. Come and get me."

"Fine by me." He climbed up the ladder. She was hammering something to the roof, her back towards the sky. She almost hammered herself in the nose when she felt a "boo" on the nape of neck. His hands were at her hips and he turned her over. She let go of the hammer and it rolled away. He pressed his lips against hers. Her hand rested in the tufts of his dark hair. Then she heard a crash and pulled away. She crawled to the edge of the roof. Her hammer had knocked over a toolbox and shattered a glass with lemonade in it. George stared up at them. "You need to keep that stuff indoors away from our nosy neighbors."

Sam's head popped out into view. "Only when you stop pissing half naked in the morning."

"I don't do that anymore. Alyssa's mother called the police."

Sam smiled amusedly. 'Why would she do that?"

"Because your girlfriend got a full anatomy lesson."

Sam looked over at Alyssa with his mouth hanging open. "You what?"

"I wanted to see how big he was. I mean I always imagined he was hung."

Sam looked at her with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "That's more than I need to know."

"Did I meet your expectations?" George smirked.

When Alyssa nodded Sam got up with hands raised in the air. 'Okay! Too much information." He climbed down the ladder.

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In the afternoon while Sam was preparing the roof for shingles Josh rode up to the house with a flushed look on his face. He looked guilty. When he asked Alyssa to go on a ride Sam became agitated. Alyssa told Josh that George was paying Sam ten dollars an hour. Sam openly mocked Josh. "300 dollars. 2 hours, that's it."

Alyssa was confused at the faulty math. 'What?"

"It's just a joke, just a stupid joke.'

"Very funny."

Josh knew Sam had a crush on Alyssa. But Sam knew not to mess with him. This conclusion was proven false later when he saw Sam's hand lingering on her waist a bit too long. Sam turned his head and looked at Josh smugly. He pecked Alyssa's cheek and said something in her ear to which she giggled.

Josh gave Sam the finger and came up to the roof his eyes on Sam. He mouthed "I'm gonna kick your ass." To Sam. Then Josh innocently began to work on the roof.

When a phone rang Josh suddenly looked alarmed. "Just let mine ring."

Of course George answered it and Josh stood up, looking positively mortified.

"Colleen?" George said.

"Oh shit." Josh cursed. Then he lost his footing and fell of the roof. Sam suppressed a sadistic laugh as this happened. Alyssa's scream pierced the air. Josh was lying in a pile of wood, his face twisted in agony. The ambulance arrived moments later. Sam noticed his mother's worried gestures as she talked with George. She wouldn't be upset over Josh. She had been calm the entire day around everyone especially George. So Sam didn't fully understand why she was acting like George had burned her with something. When Ryan and Adam were in the car Robin raised her eyes to meet Sam's The setting sun reflected in her glossy eyes. Her lashes wet. Sam held her hand and she slowly pulled away. Then her car moved away. Sam faced his father and let him know without speaking that he was on to him. A silent what the hell did you do to her look.

The dishes were almost all done and George was silent. He looked absolutely haggard, his eyes bloodshot. Dark circles stained underneath his eyes.

"You look shit, lately, you know."

"You're looking better than ever."

Sam was not gonna beat around the bush. George clearly wanted to do so. "I don't think mom cares that much that Peter left."

"She looked pretty upset."

The silences weaved in and out of the air. "What's wrong with you back?"

"I mean do you need to have surgery on it or what? Because those pills you're taking are for a lot of pain. And you're going through them pretty quick."

"Are you taking them?"

"No, but I count them. In a sock isn't exactly new."

George looked almost ashamed. He looked at everything but Sam. You're going to have face your fears, a voice in his head said. You've lied to the kid enough. That hasn't done any good.

His mouth wasn't working. "I'm having a problem with cancer."

Sam looked confused. It reminded George of his face the night Robin took the little boy away. Hurt, confusion, disappointment. Was he making another mistake, one that affected everyone around him more than it did himself?

Sam's voice was soft, but it sounded strained. "I don't know what that means. What kind of a problem?"

"The kind where there isn't any answer." George said numbly.

Sam's eyes shined like slick ice in the sun, like polished jade and a moonlit ocean. His voice was cracking. "I still don't know what it means."

"I wanted… us to have a few months together. Maybe everything happens for a reason. Something bad to force something good."

The reality hit Sam like a steam train, just when he was getting his footing. Just when things seemed to fall into place. That sick, nauseous feeling, the one where you felt like you were going to puke, but you couldn't. The weight of something invisible on your chest.

"So, you're dying?" And you told mom today?"

George nodded wordlessly. It was hard to speak. Sam moved in slow motion like he had forgotten how to walk. He fisted George's shirt. He was trying not to hug him. George didn't flinch when Sam uttered a furiously muted "Fuck you." Into his ear.

Sam walked away and pounded the wall. George knew what he was really punching. He wished that Sam would turn around and punch him, because at that moment he knew Sam wanted to pound him. George knew he deserved that.

"You knew you were dying from the start?" His lashes were wet. His hands were quivering. Something inside him had had enough, a wound reopened, pried open.

"We're all dying from the start. I just got moved to the head of the line."

Sam's anger was oozing out. The dam collapsed. " But .you. lied. to. me."

"I would've lied to myself if I thought I'd believe it."

There were little droplets on the fringe of black around Sam's eyes. "So this whole thing, this whole summer having me here was for your sake? You selfish fuck. Having me here trying to get me to like you!" Sam couldn't believe it. His dad was not making up for past mistakes. He was brushing them aside, pretending they didn't exist just so he could be more comfortable in the last few months. It had nothing to do with righting wrongs.

George wished he could tell Sam that he was sorry for all the things he did…and all the things he didn't do. "I wasn't trying to get you to like me, Sam. I was trying to get you to LOVE me."

"Well congratulations! Cause you FUCKING pulled it off!"

The door slammed. George wished he had died in the hospital the day he was diagnosed. It was incredibly cruel to let Sam be happy. Nothing hurt more than knowing you were once happy. He kept doing that to Sam, unknowingly pushing him under water, raising his head and shoving it under again and again. He prayed he could forgive himself before he died. He prayed Sam would be okay.

Sam couldn't really hear anything around him as he walked to Alyssa's house at midnight. The only clue to the existence of his breathing was the feeling of his chest expanding sharply. He tasted his own tears, his face hot. He rang her doorbell, his finger never leaving it causing the chimes to run into another in a staccato of ringing. Colleen opened the door, her hair messy and her eyes squinting.

He was getting dizzy from breathing so quickly. " Alyssa home?"

"It's late. What's the matter, Sam?"

"Nothing." He smiled sadly. "My dad's dying. I really need to talk to Alyssa."

Alyssa was woken too. She was standing at the top of the staircase. 'Sam?" She said nervously. She hadn't heard the dying part but she knew something was horribly wrong.

Sam looked up at her. His face was ruddy. He walked over to the stairs helplessly. He managed to get halfway up and then he collapsed on the stairs, his breathing coming out in gasps as warm droplets fell onto the stairs.

"Sam." Alyssa sat beside him and rubbed his back. His face went swiftly under her chin as he nearly knocked her down the stairs. His nails dug painfully into the flesh of her arms. He started to sob, an agonizing sob that came out in pained moans. Colleen looked slightly frightened. Sam didn't sound entirely human at that point.

He cried out, sort of an extended gravely yell. Colleen looked unsure. Alyssa motioned for her to leave.

Colleen mouthed an "Are you sure?"

Alyssa started stroking Sam's hair. She spoke soundlessly. "He won't hurt me."

Colleen didn't have good memories of men. When her husband got upset he sounded vaguely like Sam. In a fit of rage he had shoved Alyssa to the ground. She had only chipped a baby tooth. But Colleen never forgot it.

Alyssa whispered a trust me.

Colleen left. When she was out of sight Alyssa placed her lips at the crown of Sam's head, the hair underneath her mouth a strange mixture of soft and course. "Shhhhhhh." She soothed.

When his wracking sobs quieted she led him up to her room. They stood facing each other, She craned her head to look up at him and ran her hand along the side of his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. A tear ran over his cheek. And then more and more. They soaked her hand. He was still, though. Tired.

He gripped her face firmly and his lips crashed onto hers. He tasted like salt and his teeth hit hers as he kissed her roughly. She pushed her palms against his chest. He pulled away. Alyssa saw her eleven year old friend. "I'm sorry." He said barely above a whisper, raspy.

She drew him into her arms and ran her mouth over his throat. Her hand lay flatly against him, a pulsing under her palm.

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His heart was steadier as she lay next to him. He had fallen into a bottomless sleep. The sound of an explosion wouldn't have woken him. She traced patterns on the fabric over the slow beating of his heart. She hardly slept that night. She had to make sure he was okay. He slept into noon the following day. She brought him water every few hours. He wouldn't eat his food. Alyssa would see a few bites taken out of whatever she had brought him. And then he'd sleep again. He'd stare at the wall like a statue. When she'd pass in front of him his eyes were unwavering. He wouldn't even blink. Sam wasn't there. Maybe he was in the sky. Maybe he was on a star. Wherever…only his shell was in her room.

That night she slipped into bed beside him. His breathing was almost noiseless. She was scared. Had he gone into the medicine drawers? No. He just hadn't eaten anything. He was weak. She noticed when the moon was just right that his eyes were still open. She was relieved when he blinked.

She put her hands over his eyes, shut them. Her raspberry lips brushed over his lashes.

Alyssa held his hand. Maybe she could heal him with her touch. She raised his hand up to her face, her lips running over his knuckles. She tried to do it the way he had with her hand in George's truck.

An unfaltering stare into nothing. He pulled away from her and turned his back to her.

The nape of his neck was soft under her lips. His skin wasn't rough like Josh's. Sam still had the dewy skin of a child. That was odd considering how unhealthy he had been. She expected he would look older than his years. Besides being thin he looked healthy. He _looked _healthy. Not under that skin, though. Not behind those eyes.

Her hand slipped under his shirt, smooth skin. He was feverishly warm. She heard a hitch in his breathing. She expected him to kiss her. He slid out of bed and out of her room and sat at the top of the stairs. Alyssa walked past him and brought him back a piece of muffin. She brought it up to his mouth but he moved his head. "Please eat something, Sam." She said sadly.

He was deaf. "I'll give you one more day. Then you're going to the hospital for an IV drip."

She stood up. "People need you."

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"Has he eaten anything?" Colleen asked tiredly.

"No."

"I'd be more comfortable if he slept in the guest room."

Alyssa was incredulously silent for a moment. "I'd be more comfortable if you hadn't slept with Josh. George would be more comfortable if he wasn't DYING."

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Alyssa slipped into bed. Sam was still, his eyes closed peacefully. She pressed herself against his back and draped her arm over his waist. She curled her fingers around his and was surprised when he responded. He turned and held her in a tight embrace, his lips touching her collarbone. Tears wet her skin. She could feel him quiver slightly. He was silent, though.

Alyssa ran her fingers through his hair comfortingly.

It happened. The thing she had tried to avoid more than anything had happened. She wasn't the cause, but that didn't matter because it still happened. He was hurting again.

Memories of his happiness flooded her mind.

_She saw his reflection in the car window as he held her in the movie theater parking lot. His eyes were shut, his lips curled in a sweet smile as he kissed her hair. _

_She remembered the drive back home as Adam sang Lion King songs. Sam despite his best efforts at concentrating on the road was laughing. _

_And then she saw his enthusiastic face when Adam was sitting in his lap. She couldn't hear the story Sam was telling the boy. It played on a sort of mute. All she could see was his face taking on exaggerated expressions and of course he smiled every now and then._

_The last night he smiled tinged the edges of her memory. He ran up the stairs to her bedroom, turning his face towards her revealing a goofy grin. _

_He was suddenly sitting next to her at the kitchen table, blissful._

_The final memory was of him hugging his dad. She heard George say "I'm proud of you."_

_And then Sam and Adam were dueling with foam swords. Adam won and Sam fell to the ground, feigning death. The little boy ran around Sam's lying figure triumphantly. And Sam couldn't help but laugh. The sound echoed in Alyssa's thoughts gently. _

He was sound asleep now. She realized that she was crying. It had happened. He was hanging by a thread and that thread had broken. And she was broken. Because after all her spirit was connected to his and anything he felt she felt in her heart too.


	14. Gone Somewhere I Can't Bring You Back

Part I

Chapter Thirteen

Gone Somewhere I Can't Bring You Back

It was an exceptionally beautiful in the morning, one of the bluest skies Alyssa had ever seen. Sam hadn't spoken in three days. "There's like twenty people working on your dad's house!"

He was quiet. She was over him on the bed, her hand resting on the sheets in front of him. "If it was my father I'd want to spend every second with him."

He spoke finally. "You hate your father."

"Not if he tricked me into loving him." For the first time in days he looked at her, his body turned his hand brushing hers.

"You'd hate him for the trick."

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Sirens filled the air. Alyssa ran back into her house. Sam needed to know.

The sheets were in disarray. He wasn't there.

He sat in the bathroom in his mother's house, his hair wet from a shower. He raised a cigarette to his lips staring at a family portrait. He couldn't have been more than one in the photo. He was on George's shoulders staring stupidly at the camera. George looked kind of crazy. That's how Sam liked him, absolutely insane. Free spirited.

He took the last drag of his cigarette and then stood up. It flushed down the toilet and he walked out.

George's house was nearly finished. It was afternoon. Sam brought some Christmas lights out. It was early but Sam wanted his father to see them. He knew George wouldn't make it even to September. Sam turned 17 on August 20th. It was only July 15th. Forever young in his father's soul.

That wasn't fair.

Sam wouldn't see his father during high school graduation. Not at prom. He wouldn't take a goofy picture of Sam and his date.

Sam thought of everywhere George would never be. The next thought made Sam stop for a second. George's grandchildren would never know him. The gift of his existence. Sam climbed down and let the wind hit him. Everything was a peach color. A peach sun sinking in the sea.

"The water will take you out. Let it.

Sam could hear his own six year old giggles and the white noise of the ocean. The ground moved under his feet. Then it stopped existing. _The edge of the earth_. The roller coaster feeling of your stomach staying disconnected behind you. Sam yelled a woohoo. The ocean surrounded him. It fizzed like it was carbonated. It stung his eyes…a lot. He dug his nails into his palms. Dark cobalt.

George's insane infectious laugh filled his ears. He crossed his arms over his chest in an x. The sea floor was rocky underneath his boots. He wished he could live there. But the burning in his chest was overpowering. He swam to the top and gasped. The water ebbed and he floated farther from the rocky cliffs. He lay out on the sand, letting the warmth of summer dry his face.

He wiped his hands on a rag and plugged in the Christmas lights. They twinkled.

The hospital was cold against his wet body. He quivered.

A nurse tried to deter him.

George looked gray under the dim fluorescent lights. Terminal cancer patients didn't have color to their skin. He was heavily drugged. On so many painkillers he was barely awake. Sam held his father's hand. George barely opened his eyes but he knew Sam was there.

"I wanna show you something."

Sam wheeled the bed over to the window. Whimsical blinking lights were settled on a majestic house like multicolored fireflies. George smiled.

"It's almost finished."

"Finish it Sam."

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Sam drilled nails and bolts into walls. Alyssa ran over excitedly. He looked alive again. She threw her arms around him and he breathed in her scent. She looked up into his eyes. Her hands were on the bottom of his dress shirt. She pulled the fabric and his hips molded into hers. "Where were you?"

"Floating to Catalina." He brushed away a stray lash on her cheek and then he drank her in, her lips beneath his.

Then a police officer walked up with an annoyed businessman who demanded that the house stopped being built. He was getting his revenge on Sam's father for letting their dog into the businessman's yard. But Sam knew that face from somewhere else. And then it struck him and the thought made him nauseous.

Sam faced the man. "Do you drive…a uh. A black Lexus?"

The man looked alarmed. "No."

"That's not your car in the driveway?

"I'm going to get my lawyer."

"Are you sure we need lawyers. I mean all we're talking about is six inches right?

The man looked like he had been struck by lightning. He left.

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Sam was waiting for George's last breath. When Robin's car pulled up and he heard the engine die down in complete silence he didn't have to wait anymore. He didn't want her to look at him. She locked eyes with her son, George's first last and only child. Her eyes were glassy.

She pulled him into a tight embrace. He enveloped her in his bigger frame. His sobs shook her.

He didn't have to wait anymore…


	15. Saying Goodbye

Part I

Chapter Thirteen

Saying Good-Bye

The house was empty, the finished wood of the floor gleaming in golden dusk. A masculine figure sat Indian style on the floorboards, his head bowed. He was wearing a gray tweed suit and his leather combat boots. There was a letter in his hand which was on his lap.

George's neat handwriting told Sam that he wanted Sam to move in. He couldn't. The house was beautiful. But he just couldn't. A constant reminder of loss.

Adam ran across the floor to Sam. He sat down in front of his big brother and looked at him with a curious tilted head. "Sammy."

Sam raised his head and looked at Adam wearily. He couldn't fake a smile. "Hi." He answered hoarsely.

"I miss him too." Adam said softly. But George wasn't his father. Adam missed him like he missed a distant friend. It would never stain him inside the way it did to Sam.

Adam climbed onto Sam's lap and wrapped his arms around Sam, barely reaching all the way around him. Sam looked stunned for a moment. And then his arms closed around the little boy. He buried his face in Adam's fluffy hair. His eyes were shut.

"Do me a favor, Adam. Never grow up. Don't change for people."

"I love you, Sam. And mom didn't make me say it."

Sam smiled weakly. He stood up and walked hand in hand with Adam to Robin's car. Peter was sitting in the drivers eat, Robin in the passenger seat and Ryan in the back. They were all dressed in black.

He stepped out of the car. Alyssa stared back at him. She looked lost. Her face was slightly ruddy and tear-streaked. But she would always be beautiful to him. Always.

She was wearing an empire-waisted black dress made of flowy thin fabric. His feet were frozen to the ground. She ran up and crashed into his arms. Alyssa had promised herself that she would always be strong for Sam, comfort _him_ when he needed it. But it hurt so much she couldn't. She sobbed in his embrace. He rested his palm over the silky hair on her head and held her close to him. He felt her tremble and his eyes closed, tears slipping out from underneath his thick lashes. How did he get here again? How did he get back where the sadness ate him inside?

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It was an outdoor ceremony in the town's greenest cemetery. Open casket. Sam placed a seashell inside the pocket over George's heart. "Sorry. I'm sorry you were scared. I would've never judged you. It doesn't matter anymore, though. Your dad can't hurt you anymore. And just so you know you were nothing like him. You were amazing.. I never took the time to understand you. The cycle ends here. I'll fix all the mistakes you ever made."

Sam paused, trying to keep his composure. "I miss you." He laid his head over his father's chest. He couldn't keep it together. The tears spilled out like a river raging out of a broken dam. They soaked the lapel on George's suit. He refused to say good-bye.

Somewhere a little boy was staring out of a car window in torrential downpour, watching as his father's distraught face became smaller and smaller as the car took him away.

Today was not the same. George was somewhere Sam could not visit him. Somewhere he couldn't bring him back. Sam felt that little boy inside him leave forever. The last bit of innocence gone.

"I love you." Sam whispered. "I _love_ you."

A letter was left on the backseat of Robin's van. It was folded, but the last paragraph was visible in black cursive lettering.

"_With every crash of every wave I hear something now. I never listened before. I'm on the edge of a cliff, listening, almost finished. If you were a house, Sam, this is where you would wanna be built. On rock facing the sea, listening, listening…"_

**A/N: And that concludes part one of the story. I'm sorry I couldn't leave it on a happy note. But that's one of the reason's the movie is so touching, because of that GORGEOUS ending. **

**Anyway, two more parts to go with numerous chapters on the way. I'm going to try to get the first few chapters of part two out this week. However I'm going on vacation on the 27****th**** for a week and then college starts. I promise I'll get chapters out as fast as I can but I cannot guarantee the chapter-a-day thing I've been doing. But I will finish this story without a doubt. I've basically written the entire thing already. It's just a matter of editing things and finishing the epilogue. Thanks for reading and reviewing and I hope you guys are enjoying the story.**


	16. Fix You

**A/N: Sorry about the delay. Just getting ready to go on my trip to Canada. Excited to explore the country where the amazing actor that plays Sam hails from. Hayden does such a great job with Sam's character. So cheers to that Canadian cutie. Anyway I'm going to rate this chapter M for explicit sex. If you don't like that stuff don't read. But this is a story about the reality of people's lives so that's expected. Thanks for reading and enjoy.**

Part II

Chapter Fourteen

Fix You

There was no sun when morning came. It was hiding behind the gray sheet of clouds. The whole town, everything and everyone in it seemed a little less alive.

It was raining, gentle and steady rain. The sound of birds didn't fill the air. The only thing that woke Alyssa was the sound of distant wind and the drumming of rain on the roof. Her eyes opened slowly. She shifted in Sam's arms, turning her head up. He was still asleep. He did that a lot lately. It was the only escape from the emptiness, from the disappointment. His face seemed more gaunt than usual. She was happy when he looked like he was gaining a little weight. He looked a bit less sick. But as soon as George. . .

As soon as he had passed away Sam's body started taking on its unhealthy thinness again. She could feel his ribs against her. Her hands ventured to his back and she could feel his spine under her fingertips.

Alyssa wished he would eat. Some people ate more when they were depressed, some ate less. Sam ate less. He only ever finished half the food on his plate. Sometimes. Most of the time he had less than that. The only solace he had was with her. Even then he wasn't really happy.

Alyssa stroked his face, still handsome despite the hollowness of his cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes. She brushed her lips against his. She felt his hands travel the expanse of her back and his lips respond to hers. He cupped her face and parted her lips gently in a slow kiss. She felt his weight on hers as he pinned her underneath him and deepened the kiss. She raised her legs, her inner thighs pressing against his hips. He moaned into her mouth softly, gripping her right leg and wrapping it around his waist. He cradled her head, kissing her more urgently. When his hands started teasing the elastic waistband of her shorts she turned her face away, breaking the kiss.

"Sam, you promised."

He feathered kisses down her neck, still tender and bruised from last night. "I'm sorry."

He rolled off her and sat at the edge of the bed, his back to her. His head was dipped. She sat up.

"You okay?" she asked.

"Yeah," he answered huskily. "I just need a few minutes." He stood up and put on a pair of black pants.

She rested her back against the headboard and raised her knees to her chin.

Sam opened his dresser drawer and pulled out a pack of Marlboro's. He grabbed a lighter and his jacket, the one with safety pins attached all across the back. The bedroom door shut. Alyssa got out of bed and changed into Capri jeans. Something caught her eye. Another one of his drawings. Alyssa didn't know he still did that. She picked it up. It wasn't in ink like his other drawings but in pencil. A girl was in the center. She was grinning. A young man was standing behind her, his arms around her waist, his head on her shoulder. He was smiling. On the side there was cursive hand writing. "Alyssa and Me."

It must have been from before. He wouldn't have drawn that in the last few weeks. Not something that happy.

Alyssa knew he said he needed a few minutes. But she worried too much to let him out of her sight. She found him under an awning in the backyard, watching the rain quietly and smoking. He looked handsome wearing all dark colors. Like before.

She walked up slowly. "Hi."

He shook some ash off his cigarette, the end glowing a little more. He turned his face to her. There was a lot behind those eyes. "Hi."

Alyssa walked up to him. "I have something for you."

She was carrying a bag. She pulled out a 12x16 box full of art supplies, charcoal, paint, and a variety of pencils, graphite and colored. Sam put out his cigarette, eyes widened.

"What's this?" He took it and looked at it with a confused expression.

"I know you like to draw. You're really good. So I thought…

He interrupted her. "How do you know I like to draw?"

She pulled out a piece of paper with an angel lifting a fallen boy. "You dropped this at school."

He blushed and took it from her.

"I got you that kit so you can finish it, add some color maybe."

"I'm not that good at it. It's just a hobby."

"You're talented. Stop trying to hide all the good parts of you. I know they exist somewhere inside you."

"Thank you." He said quietly.

She smiled. "Happy birthday."

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The breakfast table was crowded. Peter, Robin, Ryan and Adam sat with Sam and Alyssa. Robin had made pancakes topped with strawberries and whipped cream.

Sam and Alyssa weren't being discreet with their public displays of affection. She was sitting on his lap. Every now and then he kissed her neck. They fed each other.

Adam glared. "Ewww."

Robin attempted to suppress a grin. "Sam, try to keep it PG at the dining table."

Sam put his chin on Alyssa's shoulder and pouted.

"Adam, how can you dislike something that adorable? Look at them."

Adam started singing loudly. "Sam and Alyssa sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage."

Sam's face flushed fifty shades of red. "Stop, Adam."

The little boy kept singing and Robin started laughing.

Sam looked at Alyssa. "I'm sorry about that."

She smirked. "It's okay."

"I don't wanna scare you off or anything."

"You're not. There are worse things than having babies with you."

He blushed again. "I uh…

"Seriously, though when are you two gonna get married?" Ryan asked dryly.

'Shut up. We've only been going out for two months. It's a bit early to be talking about that stuff."

He felt Alyssa tremble in his arms and looked down to see she was giggling. "Lighten up Sam."

He smiled and then broke into laughter.

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Alyssa sat down on Sam's bed wearing a blue negligee. "So you wanna do this Titanic style?"

Sam took out a sketch pad. "No because then I'll break your vows of chastity."

"Oh come on, you've seen me naked before."

"We both know how that ended."

She laughed. "Alright…tell me what to do."

"Sit at the left end of the bed, so I can see your profile."

She did so with a smile on her face.

"Lay your palms on the bed and lean back a little, like you're enjoying the sun."

Her hair spilled down her back as she took her hairclip out.

"Now, throw your head back."

She laughed, but then quickly regained composure. "Sorry."

"No, do that, smile."

The room was silent. He began the soft outline of her profile, her forehead, her cute nose, the raspberry lips, the arch of her neck, the subtle raindrop swelling of her breasts. He sketched the gathers of fabric mid-thigh on her legs.

Then he started shading her hair, the curve of her shoulder, her arm and delicate hand. He drew her shapely legs and then finally the features on her face. He finished with the faint outline of the bed. When Alyssa heard the rustling of drawing stop she opened her eyes. "Okay let me see."

She ran over and sat in his lap. He let her take the sketchpad. She looked at it silently. "This is…sexy."

"That's the point." Sam whispered as he brushed her silky hair out of her face.

Alyssa put the sketchpad on the dresser next to them and gazed into his eyes. She felt his hand run up her thigh, the fabric of the negligee stopping just shy of her hips. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Hi there handsome."

"Hi." He said softly. He stroked her cheek tenderly and dropped his hand to rest over the rapid beating of her heart. She looked at him with eyes half-lidded. He palmed her breast and she parted her lips, sighing gently.

She readjusted herself so she was straddling him and her lips crushed his. He kissed her back aggressively, caressing her back pushing her closer to him. She whimpered. He pulled her negligee up. Alyssa didn't stop him. It went over her head.

Sam ran his hand down the length of her, between her breasts down her belly. She arched into him. He kissed her neck, spotted with hickies. She moaned. She touched his chest and began pulling up his shirt. He brushed his lips against the hollow of her neck. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," Alyssa answered breathlessly. She pressed herself against him, bare flesh against bare flesh. He stood up, her legs wrapped around him.

Alyssa rested her forehead on his as he walked to the bed. The bed bounced as they fell onto it. Sam covered her mouth with his and kissed her languidly. He took his pants and boxers off awkwardly. Then he pulled her panties down. He feathered kisses along her jaw line. "Are you on something?"

She traced patterns on the small of his back. "Yes, don't worry."

Sam ran his hand along her inner thigh until he touched her between her legs. She gasped. He teased the creamy folds and she whimpered.

He lay his body upon hers and traced the outline of her face.

Her innocence was sweet. She was slightly scared. He laughed softly. He covered her mouth with his and slipped inside her. Her nails dug painfully into his back and she cried out into his mouth. He parted his lips from hers, her eyes shut, her brows knitted together slightly in a frown. He stroked her face tenderly. 'What's wrong, babe?"

She sounded heartbreakingly adorable, a tear making its way underneath his fingertips. "It hurts."

He feathered kisses over her face. "I'm sorry." He whispered. She opened her blue eyes. He ran his fingertips over the outline of her lips. "Do you want to stop?"

Her hips started to rock under his. "No." she answered softly.

He moaned gently and rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. The feeling of being buried deep inside her was incredible. "Are you sure?"

She sighed. "Yes."

He cradled her head in his hands and twined his leg with hers and pushed forward. She arched against him sharply, her hands raking his back. He hesitated.

"Don't…she said breathlessly. "Don't stop."

He started to move inside her in a slow steady rhythm. He wasn't experienced and barely a minute had passed before the friction of her was sending him to the brink of climax. He groaned and furrowed his brows. Her legs were wrapped around his waist. The angle was agonizingly arousing and he started to buck inside her in a frenzied pace. She held him, her hands over the expanse of his back as he thrust into her harder and harder, panting with each move he made. Her nails ran over his skin as a broken cry bubbled from her lips. She throbbed around him and he moaned as he came.

Alyssa ran her hands over the soft skin of Sam's back as he quivered against her. His breathing finally slowed and he was still. She buried her hands in his hair and stroked it. He lifted his head from the mess of her hair, his face flushed and propped himself on his elbows.

Alyssa locked eyes with him. "Again."

He chuckled. "I was that good?"

"Oh shut-up."

Sam kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, and finally her lips. They made love three times after that. They were so tired they slept through noon.

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When they weren't making love, or kissing, or sleeping in each other's arms Alyssa found that Sam had remained the same. After the euphoria of intimacy had faded away he was as sullen as he had been before.

And that meant that they slept with each other…a lot.

The moments in between were difficult. Alyssa didn't know what to do for him. It seemed like nothing in the world could help him. Not even her.

He had given her an extra key to his house. She walked in wearing a lavender wife-beater with a stonewashed denim jacket on. Her skirt was sprinkled with little purple flowers. Her platforms clicked on the hardwood floors as she went up the stairs.

Alyssa knocked on the door. She didn't hear an answer so she stepped inside. It was noon and he was still in bed. She sat at the edge of the bed. An orange bottle caught her eyes. She picked it up. Vicodin. She threw it across the room angrily. Her eyes were hot and her throat swollen.

She touched Sam's face. He didn't stir. She ran to the bathroom and filled a bowl with cold water. She poured it over his face and he woke up startled. "Shit!"

"What's wrong with you?" her voice edged just below a yell.

"What's wrong with you? I was sleeping." He sat up.

"You were coming off a high." She said matter-of-factly.

"Don't act like my mother. I was high, get over it."

She glared at him and gripped his face in her hand roughly. "Look at me. Do you think George would be proud of you right now? He spent his last few breaths trying to save you. How do you think he would feel if he saw you doing this, hurting yourself again?"

"You have no idea what it's like. You're your family didn't ignore you, your father didn't die."

Her face reddened immediately and she slapped him. "No he didn't die! I wish he would, maybe then he wouldn't have beaten my mom in front of me. Maybe he wouldn't have pushed me to the ground and broken my teeth."

She stormed out of his room.

Sam regretted it instantly. He ran after her. "Alyssa, I'm sorry."

"Leave me alone!"

He grabbed her hand. She pulled. She lost her footing and fell down the last five steps of Sam's stairs. His heart leapt into his throat and he ran down the stairs. 'Alyssa!" He panicked when she didn't move. He picked up her limp body and carried her up the stairs. He lay her on his bad. The damp cloth to her forehead woke her up. She opened her eyes and Sam buried his head in her chest. She felt him tremble and cry in her shirt.

"I'm sorry."

"Take me to the hospital, Sam."

He lifted his head. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I didn't mean what I said."

"I know you didn't. Now take me to the emergency room to make sure you didn't break my skull or anything."

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They sat in his car in the emergency room parking lot. Luckily there was no damage caused. But Sam was distraught despite the good news.

"Forgive me." he asked softly

"I already have." She whispered.

"I keep making mistakes. I promised him I would start doing things right. And I keep fucking up."

"You lost your father. You're allowed to make mistakes. Don't make the wrong ones." She stroked his cheek. "When you started opening up, when you stopped hiding from everything, Sam you were so beautiful. Do you know how amazing you are? Please don't hide anymore. You're such an amazing person. Share that with me. It's all I ask you."

He took her hand and kissed it, brushing his lips over her knuckles as tears dropped on to her smooth skin. "I love you."

"I love you too."


	17. Healing Your Hurt

**A/N: Hello again! I apologize about the wait. I just got back from my trip two days ago and then I had college classes. Not much time to write. But anyways this chapter is once again rated M. I hope you enjoy. **

Part II

Chapter Fifteen

Healing Your Hurt

The car window was rolled down. Alyssa's hair streamed out it like countless auburn ribbons gleaming in the morning sun. Her arm hung out of the window, her fingers cutting the air as the car sped through the streets. The Goo Goo Doll's Iris filled the car and Sam marveled at how well it seemed to fit the vision beside him, her eyes closed and a slight smile on her face. He pulled into the high school parking lot. As the end of the song neared he wrapped his arms around Alyssa and buried his face in her hair. She giggled and turned her face and he captured her lips with his in a slow kiss. He trailed his fingers down her spine and she sighed into his mouth. The last little sounds of the music faded and Sam pulled away reluctantly.

He stepped out of the car, handsome in a tight gray shirt rolled up to his elbows. His wrists were adorned in thick studded bands. His pants were baggy and he was wearing his combat boots. He didn't look too different from the old Sam. He was still decidedly punk. Just minus the eyeliner and piercings. Alyssa walked over to the other side of the car in a blue lacy sundress. She had flower clips holding her bangs up on each side. She curled her fingers around his and they walked to homeroom.

Over the two months together they had grown very close. They had been before, but now they were lovers. Their bond was deeper. Sam was head over heels in love with Alyssa and she was hopelessly in love with him. They smiled and looked at each other tenderly, whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears. They were oblivious to the stares.

How on earth could popular and hot Alyssa be walking down the halls holding hands with _him_? Was she high? Alyssa's friends were in disbelief. Alyssa was going out with that freak? Most of the others were just surprised. But Alyssa's friends were disgusted.

The rest of the girls at the high school though noticed that underneath all the intimidating black clothing and eyeliner that Sam was very cute. They stared shamelessly at him, their hearts realigning themselves from boys like Josh to Sam who lacked all the bravado and had all the sweetness. He kissed Alyssa's cheek and dropped her off at her homeroom before walking to his.

When he walked in all eyes were on him. The girls in his homeroom looked at him wide-eyed. One smiled playfully at him. He returned the smile, a completely sexy little smile. All in good fun, though. He only had eyes for Alyssa.

He sat down. When they called the name 'Sam Monroe" for attendance and he answered all the guys turned around in astonishment. This was Sam? He didn't look anything like Sam Monroe. Where was all the eye make-up, the piercings, the black clothing? Once the surprise was gone they realized they had some competition. All the girls were gawking at him. As the school announcements were being made on the news program an attractive girl with blonde cascades of hair sat in front of him, facing him, her legs spread out on the chair. She grinned.

"Hi." She said seductively.

Sam smirked. "Hi."

"Sam, right?"

They had never acknowledged his existence. Now they were falling over each other to talk to him.

"Yeah." He answered casually.

"I'm Claire." She introduced herself.

"Nice to meet you Claire."

"Nice to meet you too." She ran her fingers up and down his forearm flirtatiously. "You have nice skin, so soft."

He fought the urge to laugh. "Um thanks."

"So I was thinking, maybe tonight we could get together and do something."

"Appreciate the offer, but I have a girlfriend."

'She wouldn't have to know."

"Listen, you're nice and all, but I'm serious about this girl and I wouldn't ever think of cheating on her."

She frowned in disappointment.

"There are a bunch of guys who would be more than willing to go out with you. Ask them."

"Whatever." She went back to her seat.

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It was early morning before anyone was up. Alyssa's shower was on and two figures were obscured behind the glass. Their lips moved against each other in a feverish kiss. Sam moaned into her mouth and held her face in his hands. She trailed her hands down the smooth skin of his back. He brushed his lips over her ear as he hitched her leg over his hip, the tile wall pressing against her back. She felt warm breath on her neck and a groan pass through Sam's lips as he buried himself inside her. She threw her head back and whimpered. She raked his back as he rocked his hips against hers. He breathed in rhythm with his thrusting. She cried out repeatedly.

At 6 am Alyssa woke up naked under the sheets with Sam still inside her. She would have liked to lie in bed like this all day, connected to him. But they had school. She kissed his lips and he opened his eyes, glazed from sleep.

"Time to wake up. School soon."

"I thought we were just going to do this the rest of the day." He responded in a deep sleepy voice.

"I would love to, but I don't wanna miss school. After."

He rolled on top of her and started to make love to her again.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her hands in his thick hair. "Sam." She whispered.

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Alyssa's backyard was illuminated by golden sunlight. The blades of grass were overgrown, hiding the lying figures of her and Sam. He stroked her face, running his thumb back and forth over her cheek as he kissed her. She laughed softly into his mouth and he did the same. He slipped his hand under her shirt and felt the soft skin of her back under his palm. After a long stretch of time he parted his lips from hers and drew her to him, feeling her silken hair brush his cheek.

Alyssa ran her hands over his back, slightly alarmed that his spine and ribs seemed more pronounced under her palms. "Sam…you're so skinny."

"I know. It's kinda gross but I'm naturally really thin."

"No, you're thinner than usual. Are you okay?"

"Let's not talk about that stuff, alright?" He said in a quiet voice.

"Have you been eating?" She asked worriedly.

"Yes I have been eating."

"I'm serious. Have you been eating enough?"

"What constitutes as enough?"

"What did you have today?" she asked with concern.

'A slice of bread with butter and an apple."

"That's it! Sam…"

"Alyssa the sight of food makes me nauseous."

"It shouldn't. You're a 17 year old guy. You should be stuffing your face."

"I just haven't been hungry."

"Is it because you're depressed?"

"I'm not depressed, Alyssa." His voice gave him away.

"Don't lie to me. You're still having a tough time dealing with what happened."

"Please don't…"

"It's natural, Sam. I know it hurts. But I'm here for you. Don't feel alone."

"I'm fine, really. You don't need to worry."

"It's not healthy, Sam. You're gonna get sick doing this to yourself."

He pulled himself from her arms and lay on his back, looking at the sky. He was silent.

"Do you want to see a therapist? Maybe they can give you some anti-depressants."

"I'm a recovering drug addict. Prescribing me pills is a terrible idea."

"I think you need more help than I can give you."

"You're all I need. Just give me some time and it'll get better."

"You can't keep on like this."

He sighed and got up, walking up to the edge of the cliff and staring out at the ocean. He pulled out a cigarette and began smoking. Alyssa walked over.

"You promised you'd quit."

"I can't."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder. "Sam…" she whispered.

A puff of smoke seeped through his lips.

'Sam, I love you…" she said tenderly.

He dropped the cigarette and held her to him tightly. He ran his hands through her hair. "Please don't worry about me."

"I just want you to be okay."

'Keep loving me and I'll be okay."

"No you won't. It's not working now."

"Yes it is. You're keeping me alive."

She looked up at him, cupping his face in her hands. "You should keep yourself alive. You should never need anyone else to do that for you."

He kissed her palm.

"Oh God, Sam. I'm so scared for you."

"Don't be."

"What if something happens to me? What if something happens and I can't be with you? What will happen to you?"

He looked down at her silently and smiled weakly.

She started crying and buried her face in his chest. "Don't you understand how much I love you? Why can't you be good to yourself for me?"

"Please don't cry. I'm trying."

"I love you." She kissed the pulsing under his ribs.

He rested his chin on the crown of her head and rubbed her back comfortingly.

"I love you." She whispered.

He lifted her head from his chest and locked eyed with hers. He wiped the tears from her face. "I love you too." He smiled and drew her face close to his. "I love you too." He covered her mouth with his. She kissed him back desperately. As the sun set slowly the lovers kissed the day away languidly.

Alyssa didn't know if Sam would ever be okay. If she could ever fully heal the wounds in his soul. But she knew that she would love him. And maybe one day that would make him okay.


	18. Getting Better

Part II

Chapter Sixteen

Getting Better

For the first time in a while Sam was doing his homework. Marilyn Manson bled out of his headphones as he did his English assignment on Catcher in the Rye. He liked the book. But then again why wouldn't he? He could relate to Holden Caulfield's troubles.

Sam felt his bed bounce and looked up. He looked up and Adam was sitting next to him with his blue eyes wide. Sam took the headphones from his ears and let them rest around his neck. "What do you want, little man?"

"Sam! It's my birthday."

Sam laughed. He turned off his CD player. "Oh. How old are you now?"

'Seven."

"Well, you're all grown up then."

"If I'm grown up you think mom'll let me dye my hair blue?"

Sam smirked. "Um…no."

"She let you!"

"She didn't really let me. I kinda just did it."

"Well then I can kinda just do it."

'What's wrong with your hair now?"

"Nothing. I just wanna be cool like you."

That made Sam glad. "Thanks, but you don't have to have blue hair to be cool. You can just be yourself."

"But I don't wanna be like myself. I wanna be like you!"

That disconcerted him slightly. "You don't wanna be like me, Adam." He said quietly.

"Why?"

"Because I'm sick."

"You don't look sick."

"My heart's sick."

'You're sad?"

He smiled faintly at Adam. "Yeah."

"Let's play a game! Games make me feel better when I'm sad."

"I have a better idea."

Robin was cooking in the kitchen when Sam walked over with Adam.

"Hey, mom. Do you mind if I take Adam out a little for his birthday?"

She smiled. "No, have fun."

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"Now, this might be a little scary. But you said you wanted to look like me so..."

"I'm grown up, remember? Nothing scares me."

Sam grinned. "Okay."

They both walked into the Hot Topic store at the local mall. Rowdy music blasted inside. Sam walked up to the register. The sales clerk recognized him. "Hey Sam."

"Hi Nick."

"Long time no see."

"Yeah. Been busy. Anyway my little bro has been pestering me about looking punk. Do you have any clip-on earrings so my mom doesn't murder me?"

Nick laughed. "Yeah. And we also have colored hairspray."

Adam jumped up and down. "Yeah!"

Sam bought Adam a black denim jacket with chains and safety pins fastened across it, some baggy cargo pants, combat boots, clip on earrings and temporary hair color.

By the time they got home Adam looked like a mini-Sam. He had a stripe of blue in the middle of his head, piercings in his ears, baggy black clothes, and kick-ass boots. Sam didn't put any eyeliner on him. That would've been a bit much.

They walked back into the mansion. Robin was still in the kitchen finishing Adam's birthday cake.

"Hey mom." Sam said.

She turned around to see her seven year old son decked out in punk clothing. He pretended to play guitar.

"Sam! What have you done to him?

"He asked. Don't worry the hair color comes out and the piercings are fake."

"You're such a terrible role model."

"Nobody said I was a role model. And besides, it's just dress up."

"You know how much he looks up to you."

"I told him to be himself."

She sighed.

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Alyssa walked into Sam's house. Loud music echoed down the stairwell. She walked up and opened his bedroom door to see him and Adam jumping up and down on his bed to Nine Inch Nails. She laughed and Sam looked at her with a smile on his face.

"Hey, I wanna join!"

"Come on up!" Sam yelled through the music.

She ran over and jumped on the bed. They all jumped up and down until they couldn't do it anymore. Then they collapsed on to the bed. Sam lay on his back and laughed. Alyssa lay on her side next to him. She was happy to see him content.

"You're crazy." She said.

'So are you."

She swatted his arm. Adam came over and sat on Sam.

"More!"

Sam looked over at Alyssa and they both laughed.

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The Righteous Brother's Unchained melody filled the air as Sam and Alyssa danced slowly. He dipped her, her hair spilling out behind her. She laughed. He pulled her back and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back.

She rested her head on his chest as the music played.

The house was silent as midnight approached. Sam and Alyssa lay in bed together. Alyssa kissed over Sam's heart. He smelled good and he was warm. He traced patterns in the small of her back. She felt him kiss the top of her head and then she fell asleep.

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It was sunny over the ocean. Sam saw the old wreck of a house and Robin sitting at the picnic table. And then he saw George. He was laughing and he ran over to Sam and scooped him up. Sam realized that he was small, a child. He giggled, a six-year-old's voice escaping him. George spun him around and Sam squealed.

It started to pour sheets of rain suddenly. He felt something pull him away. He screamed and then there was a car window separating him from his father. His voice deepened and he was sixteen. A coffin by the sea. But he couldn't get to it. He couldn't get past the glass. He felt his eyes grow hot and his voice grow hoarse.

Something shook him and he opened his eyes. His face was wet from tears. The lights were on and Alyssa was bent over him with a worried look on her face.

His chest expanded in quick breaths. She cupped his face. "It's okay, you were having a nightmare."

He brought his hands up to her face, holding it, her cheeks under his palms. His breathing started slowing, returning to normal.

"It's okay." She whispered. "I'm here." Alyssa started stroking his face. His palm came to rest over her heart. Her own hand covered his. She traced over his brow and his eyes shut peacefully.

"Sam, you're burning up." She noticed how warm his face was.

"It's just from the nightmare."

"No, you're like scorching."

"I'm tired."

"I think you have a fever."

"Just let me go back to sleep."

She ran to the bathroom and grabbed a thermometer. When she went back to Sam's bedroom he was sitting up.

"You're blowing this way out of proportion." He said. His face was flushed.

She hopped back into bed. 'Open up."

Sam crossed his arms.

"There are other places I can put this if you're not gonna cooperate."

He rolled his eyes and opened his mouth. The digital thermometer beeped and she read the temperature on it:101.

"You're definitely coming down with something."

"I have a cold. Big deal."

"You're sick, it is a big deal. Have you been eating properly?"

He was silent for a moment. "What do you think?"

"I think you need to start taking care of yourself."

"Come to bed with me."

"I'm getting you some Tylenol." She disappeared for a bit and then returned with medicine and a cold compress. After she forced him to take it she made him lie back down. She pressed the cool cloth against his forehead.

He smiled. "Sponge bath?"

"You wish."

His hands were at her waist and he pulled her down on top of him. "You're going to get me sick you jerk." She whined.

He mocked her and pressed his lips against hers. She pulled away but he followed tickling her. She let out a string of giggles and screams. He covered her mouth with his hand. "Shhhh, you'll wake everyone up." She was silent and she gazed up at him. He locked eyes with her and ran his thumb over her pouty lower lip. Alyssa hesitantly reached up and did the same. She marveled the softness and beauty of his mouth, lips almost too full for a boy. He lay upon her and kissed her tenderly. She pulled his shirt up and he finished, taking it off and throwing it aside. He unbuttoned her flannel shirt, his hand trailing the bare skin between her breasts and her soft belly. Then he wound his arms around her and pulled her up, feathering kisses along her ear, jaw line, and neck. She threw her head back and arched into him. He made a low contended sound and kissed between her collarbones. He touched the nape of her neck and brought her face to his. He captured her lips with his and he kissed her urgently.

Sometime later she ran her fingers through Sam's hair as he quivered against her after he had come. His breathing finally slowed.

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Alyssa was lying on her side and Sam stared at her sleeping form. He placed a gold chain around her neck, a little glittery butterfly charm hanging from it. She shifted and he laughed softly. He lay back down, molding his body to her and draping his arm over her waist.

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The ocean wind soothed Sam who was sitting in a lawn chair in his backyard. If he listened hard enough, imagined hard enough he could hear his father speaking to him, he could see him in front of him. He heard the back door creak and opened his eyes.

"Sam, what are you doing?" asked a sleepy Alyssa.

He turned his head and looked at her. "Come over here."

She walked over and he motioned for her to sit in his lap. She reclined along him, the back of her head resting on his shoulder. He coughed fitfully for a moment, shaking her as he did so.

"You're worse."

"I just swallowed the wrong way."

"Sam, shutup. Admit you're sick."

"I find it sexy when you talk to me like that."

She laughed. He wrapped his arms around her.

"So what is this necklace you put on me?"

"It's the charm you gave me when we first met."

"You mean when we were six?"

"Yes."

'You've kept it all these years?"

'Why wouldn't I? It was special to me. You were special to me."

Alyssa was silent for a moment. "I missed you so much when we stopped talking. Every day I ached to have you back."

"I can't believe you chose me."

"Why wouldn't I? Behind all that meanness I knew you were a good person. You're sweet and honest. You're cute."

"I'm cute." He repeated.

"Don't let it go to your head."

He laughed. Then he started to cough again, a bit more violently than last time.

"Sam…"

"It's just smoker's cough." He said hoarsely. He wheezed.

"I'm dragging you to the doctor's office."

"God, stop mothering me."

'Someone has to look out for you. You can't do it yourself."

"It's cute though, the way you dote on me."

"I like taking care of you."

He shut his eyes and leaned back, running his hand up and down her bare arm. "I wonder if you'll be this way with our kids."

"Our kids?" She edged on laughter.

"I'm sorry; did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah." She smiled from ear to ear.

"A bit embarrassing I have to say."

"No, it's…sweet."

"I admit it then. I want you to be the mother of my future children."

She giggled. "You've only ever been with one girl and you're determined that this girl is the one."

"Yes. Alyssa, I've been in love with you ever since I met you."

"Isn't it kinda early to be having these kinds of conversations?"

"Maybe. But of course we won't do that stuff until later. You know when we're 22 or 23 we'll buy a house with a white picket fence and a little flower garden and have ourselves three or four kids."

"You're weird."

"Just a little."

'Well, if you plan on making babies with me you're going to have to clean up your act."

"Not so." He traced circles along her belly.

"Excuse me? And how exactly will you knock me up if I'm unwilling?"

He kissed the crown of her head. "That's easy. I'll just hide your birth control pills and get you drunk."

She pulled away from him, shoving him playfully. 'You little fucker."

He laughed. She tried to get away from him. He held her down and turned her to face him. She wriggled but he grasped her wrists in a strong grip. He locked eyes with her. "Looks like I won't need to drug you to get you in bed with me."

"Who says I'll let you sleep with me?"

"You have so many times before."

"Really? I'll cut your dick off."

He smiled smugly. "You'd miss it."

"I would not. It's not like its special or anything."

"Not special?" he feigned offense. "You hurt its feelings."

"Boo- freaking- hoo, your penis will get over it."

"Oh you must be punished for your indiscretions."

"It's not punishment if I like it."

He smirked. "Is that a challenge?"

Her lips crashed onto his. He laughed softly into her mouth. She broke the kiss and looked at him through half lidded eyes. He stroked her face.

And then he started to cough again. She held his face as his old body shook with powerful coughs. He gasped slightly and lay back on the lawn chair, sweat glazing his forehead.

"You still have a fever. Sam, you're really sick." She said worriedly.

"It's just a little cold." He said in a raspy voice.

Alyssa sighed. "We're going to the doctor."

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The doctor examined Sam's chest x-rays. "Well, nothing here to be alarmed about. You do have bronchitis, though."

"It's like 80 degrees out right now. How is that possible?"

"Your little lady here tells me you don't eat properly and you smoke religiously. Those tend to weaken the immune system."

"So what do I do about it?"

"Over the counter cough syrup. Oh and you can't smoke. "

"Really?" Sam asked.

Alyssa crossed her arms. "That's right. And by the way, I'm going to force feed you when we get back home."

She kept her promise. At dinner that night she waved a barbecue chicken wing in his face.

"No!"

'Stop acting like a child!" She slapped him with the chicken wing and the sauce splashed over his cheek.

He looked at his mother. "Do I have to put up with this?" he asked.

"Yes you do."

He sighed and opened his mouth.

"And here comes the choo-choo train, chugga-chugga."

He stared at Alyssa. "Are you serious?"

"Absolutely."

Sam grabbed the chicken wing. "I'll do it myself." He began eating silently.

'That's a good boy." Alyssa baby talked him.

He picked up another chicken wing from the KFC bucket and slapped her with it. The sauce sprayed into her hair. She was frozen into a stunned expression for a moment. Then she lunged at him. He yelped as his chair fell backwards. She tore the chicken wing from his hand and beat him with it.

'Help! Someone help!"

But all he heard was deafening laughter.

"I surrender! I surrender! Please…"

Alyssa stopped and hugged him, barbecue sauce and all. He felt her laugh against him.

Despite all Sam had gone through in the past year it was moments like this that reminded him that life could be good, that it could get better.

He could be happy, even though his coughing kept him up at night. Because she was there. He loved her with everything he had and she was there for him. She was there.


	19. Forever With You

Part II

Chapter Seventeen

Forever With You

The dark blue film of dawn covered the Laguna Beach coastline. One house stood out among the rest. Multi-colored Christmas lights flashed on it. And inside a woman in a wheelchair was happy that she could finally spend a Christmas morning in a house. Not a crowded, dirty trailer. Not a loveless foster home. But a home. Her husband was still asleep. But she couldn't sleep. Because she was so happy.

All because of one man and his young son. She remembered when the 16 year old boy told her the house was hers.

"_My father built you a house."_

_At first she thought it was a joke. She had to be dreaming. And then she felt pain when he revealed who he was. Sam Monroe, the grandson of the man who had taken her mother away from her. But she couldn't be mad at him. He sat before her, completely apologetic. And when she looked into his eyes she could tell that he was kind. A good person._

_When she didn't react, when she stared in silence he held out the keys to the house. "It's yours."_

_She was frozen. Tears poured down her face. _

_He looked distraught by this. "I'm sorry, did I say something?"_

_She motioned for him to come over. He towered over her. He kneeled in front of her wheelchair and she threw her arms around him. "Thank you!" she sobbed. "Thank you."_

"_It's the least I owe you."_

"_You don't owe me anything." her voice cracked._

"_I just wanna right some wrongs."_

"_Thank you. This is the kindest thing anyone has done for me in a long time."_

_He squeezed her frail form. "You deserve better than this." The trailer park was not a just place for anyone to live. Especially someone who had no one in the world. _

_His mother spoke. "Would you like to see the house?"_

_She looked up at the middle aged woman. "Yes. But I doubt your car is wheelchair accessible."_

"_No problem." Sam added. "We'll help you get in."_

"_Okay.' She smiled though her tears._

_Sam smiled back at her. _

_Mother and son lifted her into the SUV. And when they pulled up to the house she couldn't breathe. It wasn't just any house._

_It was majestic. A huge beauty of a house on a cliff by the sea. She covered her mouth in shock. "Oh my God."_

And now she lived in it.

She lifted the receiver of the telephone and dialed. "Merry Christmas." She said.

In a mansion in another part of town a young man rubbed his sleepy eyes. "Merry Christmas Jeanne." Sam responded hoarsely.

"Did I wake you?" she asked sheepishly.

"Kind of. But it's fine."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. My younger brother probably would've woken me soon anyway."

Jeanne laughed. "Well, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. So I guess I should let you go back to sleep."

"Would you like to spend Christmas morning with us?" Sam asked.

"Oh no. You've already been so kind to me. And anyway I wouldn't want to spend Christmas anywhere but here."

"Okay."

"But me and Chris would love it if you would come over here."

"Of course. See you in a bit." Sam said.

Jeanne hung up and smiled. And Sam did the same.

Not a moment passed when Sam felt two arms wind around him from behind and lips press a kiss on the back of his neck.

"What are you doing up so early?" Alyssa asked.

He turned around and held her chin up. "I could ask you the same thing." He brushed his lips over hers.

She laughed softly into his mouth, her fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. She felt his hands on her hips pulling her closer to him. They enjoyed each other for a few moments before they heard…

"Ewwwww!"

Sam pulled his lips from Alyssa's and looked toward the doorway of his bedroom door. He was right about Adam coming in at the ass crack of dawn to wake him up. The little boy scowled.

Sam smiled devilishly. "Hi, Adam."

"Gross, I'm gonna throw up!"

Sam was trying to suppress his laughter. "A day will come, Adam, when you won't find girls gross. In fact you'll like them very much."

"Never." Adam said.

Sam returned his attention back to Alyssa. He resumed kissing her as passionately as before.

"Stop, ewww."

"Supposedly that's supposed to feel good." Came Ryan's voice.

Sam reluctantly stopped kissing Alyssa again. "And how would you know?"

"My older friend Greg has kissed like 5 girls. He says it's awesome."

What a man whore, Sam thought. And at such a young age. "It is."

"He says you get this nice feeling down there."

Sam was glad he wasn't eating or drinking at the moment because he would've started choking. "What?"

Ryan smiled. "Is it true?"

Sam turned 50 shades of red. "You're too young to know that."

"I take that as a yes."

"Don't talk about that stuff in front of Adam."

"You were the one who was making out."

"Alright both of you get out of my room." Sam ordered.

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Robin had always believed in propriety. So of course she forced each member of the family to carry a dish of food she had prepared. When Jeanne opened the door she giggled.

During Christmas lunch Sam had excused himself. He stood outside with an oversized black hoodie to keep him warm. In front of him was the ocean. That specific part of it that his father and he would look at during breaks from building the house. But Sam wasn't seeing ocean in front of him.

All he saw was different memories of George.

_His sixth birthday, when he unveiled the swing set for Sam. Swimming with him in the waves. _

_He could see George's face as he pleaded that Sam change. "Build this house with me. Come on."_

_Different images of him smiling during construction of the house he was standing in front of. Robin and George dancing inside the skeleton of the house._

_The vision of George's face when Sam found out his father was dying. He looked so ill, so pale. But more than anything he looked sad. Sam couldn't believe he swore at him._

_The last time he saw his father alive. George managed such a weak smile. It looked like it had taken all his energy. But it was a smile. "I'm so proud of you, Sam." George had said with a raspy voice._

_Sam had given him a broken smile. The hot rivers flowed on his face. _

"_Be strong." George had told him._

_He couldn't. He had buried his face in his father's chest and cried. George had hugged him. "I will always be with you." George whispered._

_The disconnected feeling of looking down at his father's face forever still, eyes closed. _

_There was dinner after the funeral service. Sam spent most of it throwing up in the bathroom. _

Sam had spent many Christmases without his father. But this year he couldn't even call him. He couldn't show up at his doorstep. George didn't exist anymore. Sam could barely remember the last time he was happy on this holiday. But this year was especially miserable. The lack of his father was especially apparent today.

The sound of the back door opening snapped him out of his thoughts.

"You okay?" Alyssa asked.

The sun sparkled on the ocean. "Yeah." He answered softly.

She walked over and held his hand. He looked down at her.

"Merry Christmas." She said with a faint smile.

"Merry Christmas." He echoed.

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Back at home Sam was washing the dishes in the kitchen. He finished the last of them and heard footsteps on the tile. He turned around and Alyssa was there.

"Hi." She said.

"Hi."

"I have a surprise for you." She said with a warm look on her face.

"Oh?"

She took his hand and led him upstairs. "Sit down."

"Um okay."

She popped a DVD into Sam's DVD player. Edwin McCain's I'll Be started to play. Still images and video clips of the times Alyssa and Sam had together. Every birthday party, every Halloween, even the times when they played dress-up and pretended to be characters from fairytales. There were photos of them kissing. But Sam really liked the pictures Alyssa had taken of herself. In some her fingers shaped a heart. In some she was blowing kisses. In one she was holding a sign that read "I love you."

The very last of it was a video clip of Alyssa in her room. She was holding the camera awkwardly close to her face and it was shaky. "I love you!" she said. "Merry Christmas." She giggled. It faded into black.

Sam looked at her silently. "That was cute."

"You liked it!"

"Of course I liked it."

Alyssa jumped into his lap. "I love it when you're happy." She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I love you." He whispered.

Her lips met his gently. He sighed contentedly into her mouth. Alyssa placed her palm on his chest, uneven beating under it. His long fingered hand cupped her knee and then trailed up her thigh under her dress. She parted her lips from his.

"Later." She whispered.

"Yeah, wouldn't want Ryan and Adam to walk in on us again."

She rested her head on his chest. She laughed softly.

"What?" Sam asked.

She closed her eyes.

"What?"

"Your heart. It's beating so fast." She said quietly.

"It tends to do that when I'm around you."

"I love listening to it."

Sam ran his fingers through her silken hair. She kissed him again, a long, slow, deep kiss. After she lay with him in bed. And the recurrent thought floated around in her head. This was the person, the only man she could ever imagine herself being with in the near and far future. With Josh she wasn't sure. With Sam…forever sounded perfect. Wedding bells, white picket fences, and the laughter of small children didn't seem foreign and out of place. She looked up at his face. His eyes were closed and his breathing was slow. She traced patterns on his chest. And then she closed her eyes. She shouldn't have been surprised. All these years she had tried to deny it. But deep down, she had known all along. He had always been the one. _**Always**_.


	20. Getting Ready For Junior Prom

Part II

Chapter Eighteen

Getting Ready for Junior Prom

The hallways were crowded as Sam walked to his next class. He noticed a face in the crowd. As it closer it was apparent who it was. Josh. He gave Sam a threatening face. Sam stared at him challengingly. Josh's shoulder slammed into Sam's roughly as he walked in the opposite direction. But Sam wasn't fazed.

"Watch yourself Monroe."

Sam turned his head and smiled dryly. "Thanks for the warning."

He kept walking. Alyssa was standing amongst her group of friends. Well, they weren't as close as they had been before. Not since she had dumped Josh. She looked irritated. He could hear bits of the conversation as he neared them.

"You're not afraid of catching AIDS from him?"

"Why in the world would I catch AIDS from Sam?"

"Word around school is that he shot up heroin and fucked guys constantly." Her redheaded friend said.

"Well if he did I would've gotten by now would I?"

"No, it can be dormant. I learned that in Bio."

"He's straight Brianna. He has never fucked or been fucked by a guy."

Sam walked up to them and smiled. "Hi." He looked at Brianna intentionally. She looked uncomfortable.

"Hi." She stammered.

Alyssa touched his arm and looked up at him with a curve to her lips. "Sam, my friends here were wondering, do you have AIDs?"

He smirked. "No. And also I never shot up Heroin. But I did use OC's, and weed. And I huffed a variety of different household cleaners. Anything else you'd like to know?"

Brianna looked at him completely frozen.

"I'm not gay either. But if you were smart you would have already figured that out."

Brianna glared at Alyssa. "You're going to let him get away with calling me dumb?"

"Had it coming. All you ever do is talk shit." Alyssa answered.

Sam curled his fingers around Alyssa's. "Come on babe."

They started walking away. The urge was too great though. Sam turned his face to Alyssa's gossip mongering friends and fluttered his eyelashes effeminately. He raised his voice to as high a pitch it would go and stared at Brianna. "Like, see you later girlfriend!"

Alyssa giggled. Sam wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to him so their sides were touching. '"They're amusing." He said.

"Highly."

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The first Holiday that George would miss had passed. But the first high school event was edging closer and closer. The date was February 6. It wasn't really an important day. Sam was in a department store with his mom and Alyssa and Colleen. Shopping for prom would regularly annoy a guy, since it was well…shopping.

Sam should've been happy. He was going to prom with one of the prettiest girls in school. But as he was trying on different suits all he could think of was that his father wasn't there. He wasn't standing next to Sam commenting on each different suit he tried on. He could almost hear George making fun of him.

Sam felt his father's absence every day. It could be the sunniest most beautiful day. Everything could be going wonderfully. But he still felt that void. Most days he managed to keep it a dull ache. But on days like this he couldn't hide it. He couldn't lessen the pain he felt.

His father ought to be here. Sam ought to be laughing. He smiled weakly every now and then. He couldn't fake happiness.

Most guys right about now with dates as pretty as Alyssa were planning the details of post-prom hotel room sex.

He should be grateful, he thought.

But No amount of luck and good fortune erases the things that have happened. Nothing could ever erase his father's death. Because all the blessings in the world weren't truly blessings without George there to take part in them.

Alyssa noticed Sam's pensive and solemn silence. She took his hand in hers and brushed her lips over the tops of his fingers. He pulled her into a hug. "I miss him." He whispered.

"I know. Me too."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't be bringing you down. You should be freaking out about all those dresses you've tried on."

She looked up into his eyes and cupped his face. "Don't ever apologize to me about that." She pecked his lips.

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"So what did you wanna show me?" Alyssa asked as she watched the slowly setting sun on an early May evening.

"More do with you than show you."

She raised an eyebrow. "Sam, we can do it in the comfort of my bed."

He laughed. "Pervert."

"Oh you love it."

"Yes, I do." He smiled. "Anyway." He walked to the edge of cliff and looked back at her. "Jump with me."

"Off here? Are you crazy?"

"A little. But trust me. You won't get hurt."

"You promise? Cause I would like to have fully functional limbs for prom."

"Yes. It's something George used to do. I just wanted to share it with you."

"Oh." She was quiet.

"Hold my hand."

She held his hand tightly.

"On the count of three go when I go. One…two…three."

The air was empty under her feet. She screamed as she plunged down. Then she was under the water. It stung her eyes but she saw him, just a foot away from her. He swam towards her and held her, pulling her up. She gasped and wrapped her arms around his neck. She clung to him hyperventilating. When the initial shock had worn off she looked into his eyes. He was smiling.

"That was… horrifying."

He chuckled. "Open your mind."

"It won't change my opinion. I could've drowned you jerk."

"But I'm here. Knight Samuel would rescue you."

The frown melted off her face as she remembered their games.

_She would ask him to play tea party and Barbie with her but he'd stare at her in confusion. : That's a girl game, I play with trucks."_

_She laughed now finding the words funny. She was hurt, she remembered so she started to sob. "Okay, you can leave if you want." Sam had seen so much pain in his home that the thought of doing that to someone else made him feel extremely guilty. There was a slight ache to see her cry. "I'm sorry, Alyssa." He walked his little self over to her and wrapped his short stubby arms around her. 'We'll play tea party." But on one condition."_

_She looked at him as her hiccups shook him slightly. 'What"_

"_I get to be Knight Samuel, warrior and protector of fair maidens. He picked up a ruler and swung it around like a sword. To her surprise he started attacking one of her pillows. "I'll kill whoever tries to hurt you. Soon the pillow was marked with holes, the feathers flying everywhere. She laughed. He had broken a few of her china plates in the process but she didn't care. She laughed harder and harder until her stomach was burning. They spent the rest of the day picking feathers off each other and playing with ken and Barbie. To her surprise Sam didn't hate it, he actually seemed to enjoy the games and he was her best friend for that. _

"I guess if you could play with a Ken doll for me then you could do anything."

He laughed. "You remember."

"How I could forget? You played with a freaking _Ken Doll_."

"Anything for you."

She smiled and kissed him.


	21. You Deserve Better Than Me

**A/N: Chapter's Rated M for explicit sex. And as a side note, Life As A House needs to have more than 5 finished fics on . I mean honestly. It's an amazing film. Less amazing films have tons. There are people on this site who write a hell of a lot better than me. They need to give LAAH some love. I talk too much, lol. Enjoy the chapter.**

Part II

Chapter Nineteen

You Deserve Better Than Me

The night before Junior Prom Sam dreamed. He was under water in a river of ice. It was completely frozen over and he couldn't get to the surface. He clawed and pounded at it but it wouldn't crack. And then consciousness began to slip away. He felt someone pull him to the surface. He opened his eyes, lying on the ice coughing and shivering from the cold. When he looked up George was staring down at him. He held out his hand and Sam took it, standing on weak legs. There were no words. Sam's eyes held in them a silent thank you as he looked at his father. George smiled faintly. Then he evaporated into the air. Sam wept, his tears freezing on his face. He collapsed, falling onto his side.

It started to snow and he remained still on the ground. He lay there until he turned into a statue of snow of ice. A girl with white feathered wings walked towards his ice encased form. She knelt beside him and started stroking his face. Blue turned into the milky white of his skin. His eyes fluttered open and he began to breathe again. He sat up and looked in the face of his savior. Alyssa. The sun was blinding behind her.

His alarm pierced his ear drums and he woke up. The ring of his cell phone challenged the buzz of the alarm clock. He answered it after he turned off the alarm.

"I'm getting my hair done in an hour. You're coming with me."

"Do I have a say in this matter?"

Alyssa laughed. "Of course not."

"Come and pick me up."

"Sam, I don't have my license."

"You're 17 freaking years old. Get a license."

"Just for that you won't be getting any tonight."

'Oh you'll change your mind."

'You're an asshole!"

He chuckled. "Have your mom drive over. I mean if you really want me there you won't mind going out of your way to get me to come with you."

"Ass…hole."

"Love you." He hung up on her.

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Sam had never been so bored in his entire life. Here was a bunch of girls, Colleen, Alyssa, the hairdresser and a bunch of other high school girls getting ready for prom. .Estrogen. All he could hear was conversations about wearing make-up like this and doing hair like that and "oh don't you think my dress is just gorgeous?"

He couldn't take it. Alyssa looked over at him with an amused look on her face. "Doesn't Sam look so cute when he's mad, mom?"

Her mom answered with a laugh.

"I need a cigarette." He said in a flat toned voice.

"Oh no you don't." Alyssa talked to him like he was a misbehaved child. "Here read this." She threw a Cosmo magazine at him. "I think you'll enjoy the section on different sex positions.' She whispered so her mother wouldn't hear.

"I'd rather just try different sex positions with you."

Alyssa's eyes widened and a smile tugged at her lips. "Sam!"

Colleen turned her attention away from the hairdresser to the two teenagers sitting next to her. "What happened?"

Alyssa blushed. "Oh Sam here was just complaining about how boring it is to watch me get my hair done."

Sam smirked and played along. "Incredibly boring, Mrs. Beck."

"How do you think I feel? I could be doing something productive right now." She added.

"Mom!" Alyssa shouted.

Sam laughed in satisfaction. Payback time. Now she was the one who was annoyed.

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The door was open. Sam walked in to Alyssa's house. No one was there. Her fussiness about her appearance was probably to blame. Peter, Robin, and the kids followed behind him.

He looked up the stairway. "Well I don't feel like waiting."

Robin looked at him. "You're going to ruin the cliché date coming down the stairs moment."

"I don't care." He started up the stairs. Her bedroom door was closed. Sam pounded on it.

"Speed it up."

"Shut the fuck up, Sam!" Came Alyssa's voice from inside. And then Colleen's subsequent 'Watch your language young lady."

He opened the door. Colleen was lacing up her daughter's dress. Sam couldn't breathe. Alyssa looked beautiful in a silky blue dress that draped in the front. She had an updo of auburn curls. Her raspberry lips shined with lip gloss. She looked absolutely ethereal.

"You're not supposed to see me until I walk down the stairs." She said.

"Our limo's gonna be here in ten minutes. We still need to take pictures."

Colleen smiled. "Well don't you look handsome, Sam."

He blushed. "Thanks, Mrs. Beck."

"You're welcome. Now I'll leave you two alone." She walked out.

Sam locked eyes with Alyssa. "You look… so beautiful."

She grinned, beaming. Sam walked over to her hesitantly. It was like before they were together. When he was shy and ashamed of even looking at her. Of admitting his feelings for her. How could he ever be good enough for such a beautiful creature?

Finally he closed the distance between them and captured her lips in a soft kiss. And then he heard the impatient yells of their parents downstairs and he pulled his lips from hers unwillingly. "Let's go."

They came down the stairs hand in hand. The sound of cameras going off filled the house. Sam slipped a corsage on her dainty wrist and smiled as the flash of Robin's camera went off.

He was wearing a simple suit, black dress shirt under black jacket with black pants. He looked darkly handsome.

They danced to the slow songs. The rest of the time he kissed her under a chandelier above the table they were sitting at.

Sam had some money. He got a room in a motel. Clothes were scattered all over the floor and the lights were dim.

Alyssa lay underneath him, running her hands down his back. Her eyes seemed almost unblinking. He traced the outlines of her face.

He moved inside her so slowly. She was still underneath him except for the rocking of her hips . Her eyes were closed. His were barely open. He buried his face in her strawberry scented hair. She arched against him and he moaned quietly. She cried out as she started to contract around him. Her hands raked his back. He filled her, liquid heat.

He cradled her head in the afterglow. His lips grazed hers.

They stood in her shower in the early morning. Sam's cheek rested on Alyssa's wet hair. She felt each little bump of his spine under her fingertips. He was so frail.

Sam felt her whisper against his throat. "I love you."

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Alyssa sat on the edge of the bed drying her hair. Sam walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Alyssa was slightly disconcerted by how fragile he looked physically. He was so slender. Granted even at such an unhealthy weight he managed to look sexy without his clothes on. He would never the masculine broadness of his shoulders and the muscle definition on his upper arms. But he was too thin. "Sam…you're so skinny." Alyssa said in a quiet voice.

He buttoned and zipped his pants. 'Are we going to talk about this again?"

"Absolutely. I don't wanna be that nagging girlfriend. But the truth is you look just shy of emaciated."

He raised his gaze to meet hers with an irritated look on his face. "Excuse me?"

"You keep on the way you're going you're going to give my friends a legitimate reason to think you're on Heroin."

He furrowed his brows. "You need to back the fuck off."

"And you need to stop being such a GUY and talk about the way you feel."

"Do not ruin our night."

"Sam, for God's sake. I'm not trying to be a Bitch. You. Are. Sick."

"I would appreciate it if you stopped telling me everything that's wrong with me."

The hard look in her eyes softened. "There's nothing wrong with you, Sam." She said softly. "You're wonderful. You're sweet and beautiful and strong. You're too strong. It's destroying you."

He sighed. "I'm gonna take a walk." He took one of the room keys.

She stood up and blocked his way. "Please. I just want to help you."

He pecked her on the lips. "Thank you. But I'd like to be alone for a bit."

"Don't you think I deserve more than this?"

There was a think heavy silence. "All the time." He whispered.

"Then get better for me."

"It's not that easy."

"You're not even trying." She said quietly.

He walked around her towards the door.

"Sam." She ran up to him and hugged him. "Just let yourself feel. Tell me what's eating away at you."

He rested his chin on the top of her head and shut his eyes. "Everything."

"Tell me." She whispered.

"My dad. How short of a time I actually got to spend with him. I'm scared of becoming him, of not feeling good enough for people my whole life. I don't know who I am."

"You know who you are, Sam. You're just afraid of admitting it. You think that if you realize all the goodness, the pureness in you that something will happen to change it. Isn't that the way you've felt all your life? Because of your parent's divorce? That good things don't last?"

He didn't answer. She felt the trembling of him crying. "I'm one good thing that will always be here. I'll always be there for you. And the love your father had for you. That will always be here with you even if he's not. That never goes away."

"I love you." He said huskily.

"I love you too." She said tenderly.

Every day she became more and more of that angel in his dreams, lifting from the icy rivers of self doubt sadness. He fought it. If someone wanted to save you that meant there was something wrong with you. He didn't want to admit that. He wanted to be the perfect son for his father. Respect his memory.

And he wanted to be the perfect man for her. She deserved the best. He hated himself for being so terrible to her. And even after all that, being shut out by him she was still there. He had to change for her. He should've been the one wiping away her tears. But every day she was the one who made sure he was okay. It was wrong. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry."


	22. Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

**A/N: There's going to be some psychological terminology in the beginning of this chapter. Sam starts going to therapy and since I am a Psychology major I thought it fit to use my knowledge about the subject. Behavior Modification=changing a negative behavior through means of reward, etc. Cognitive therapy is basically changing a person's thought process about themselves. For example figuring out why they feel badly about themselves and then changing that thought process so they think positively about themselves. Anyways, enjoy.**

Part II

Chapter Twenty

Tell Me, Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?

_To really love a woman  
To understand her - you gotta know her deep inside  
Hear every thought - see every dream  
N' give her wings - when she wants to fly  
Then when you find yourself lyin' helpless in her arms  
You know you really love a woman_

Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman?-by Bryan Adams

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Four weeks had passed since Sam had started going to therapy. Alyssa was a great help, but he didn't want to burden her. She never said it but he was sure she was growing tired of his moods. Based on Sam's history of addiction the therapist didn't prescribe him medication. Dr. Lewiston focused on behavioral modification techniques and cognitive therapy instead. Of course with someone so rooted into his ways Sam didn't immediately respond. But as it approached mid-June he started feeling a change. He was a little more positive about his life. Confidence was a thing Sam rarely felt. Since childhood he doubted everything he did and everything that made him who he was. But now he was starting to like who he was.

Dr. Lewiston also suggested that Sam try a little art therapy. Sam loved music and drawing. So Dr. Lewiston encouraged him to express himself through both.

"I have absolutely no musical talent." Sam said with a grin on his face.

"How do you know?" his therapist asked.

"Believe me. My singing voice would scare away murderers."

Dr. Lewiston laughed. He adjusted his glasses. "No one says you have to sing. Learn to play an instrument."

"I seriously doubt…"

Dr, Lewiston interrupted. "You don't have to be good at it, just do it for the sake of doing it."

Sam broke into another smile. "I don't have the patience to learn, really."

"Sam, the only way this is going to work is if you have an open mind, try new things."

"Okay, fine, I surrender."

"Well, that does it for our hour. See you next week. And I'm happy about the progress you've made."

Sam smiled as he stood up. "Thanks." He shook Dr. Lewiston's hand.

It was warm outside as he walked to his car. Alyssa was leaning on the driver's side door.

"How'd you get here?" Sam asked.

"I got my drivers-ed teacher to let me drop myself off here."

"Wow, you're driving. Big step."

'Shut up."

"So is mommy coming to pick you up?"

'Sam! I thought you'd drive me home."

"Not likely." He feigned complete seriousness, trying not to let his lips curl into a smile.

She pouted. "You're going to make me walk all the way home?"

He burst into awkwardly loud laughter.

"God, you are such a GUY!" she yelled.

He smirked. "I would hope so."

She crossed her arms.

"Get out of my way."

She started to fake cry.

"I'm kidding, Alyssa."

She hit him on the arm…hard. More of a punch than a hit actually.

"Ow." He whined.

"I knew you were kidding, I just wanted to make you feel bad."

"You failed."

She struck him on the arm again.

"Dude!" Sam shouted.

"Next one will be in your nether regions."

"No, not Little Sammy!"

She laughed so hard tears ran down her face. When her breathing was under control she spoke. "I wouldn't exactly call it little."

He grinned confidently. "I can wrap it around my leg twice."

She held an arm out across herself as she bent at the waist, her hair hanging in front of her. She was laughing hysterically "That's nothing, seeing as how your leg is the size of my arm."

He feigned offense, pouting. "I thought you said I was well endowed."

She took hold of the fabric flannel shirt he was wearing. "Oh you are, my big, naughty boy."

He smiled from ear to ear. "I've been naughty? What do I get as punishment?"

"Detention, with Miss Alyssa Beck" She looked into his eyes seductively. "Be prepared, she's going to do some unspeakable things to you."

He held her hips and pulled her to him. "Mmm, unspeakable. Sounds…hot."

A girl walking to her car that was parked next to Sam's stared. "You guys are freaks."

Sam turned around. "You should see us actually go at it. I mean forget French maid costumes and leopard print G-strings. We dress up as monkeys and fuck each other."

The girl looked disturbed. "Gross." She got into her car.

As she backed out of her parking space and drove away, Sam and Alyssa exploded into laughter. She swatted his chest. "You're terrible."

"Does that mean I get two detentions with Miss Alyssa Beck?"

"You get 365. And they'll all be 8 hours long."

He wound his arms around her waist. "You won't be able to walk by the time I'm done with you."

"Oh no, please, spare me from that horribly sexy fate. Have mercy."

He laughed. 'We're kind of retarded."

"Being normal is so boring."

"Yes, it is." He pinned her against the car and kissed her.

She laughed into his mouth. Her hands moved down his until she reached his jeans and then she put her hands in his back pockets, pushing his hips into hers. He made a low contended sound. And they kissed each other for god knows how long in the parking lot, much to the chagrin of passer by's. Nothing would compel them to care. They were the only ones who existed.

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The smells of summer barbecue filled the air. Robin had shish-kabob and burgers on the grill. Ryan and Adam were setting up, bringing plastic cups, plates, utensils and napkins. Peter was pouring drinks. Sam and Alyssa, however, were being complete lazy-asses. They were secluded, sitting on lawn chairs next to each other.

'So my shrink has suggested I learn to play an instrument."

Alyssa laughed excitedly. "Oh my God, choose electric guitar. You'd make such a hot rock star with that eyeliner and punk clothing."

He smiled. "I think my mom would have a heart attack."

"Oh don't lie. I know you still have that eye shadow and all those chained pants hiding in your room somewhere."

"I DO NOT!"

"Don't be embarrassed. I found it impossibly hot." She grinned.

Robin walked over. "Alright, enough flirting. Come on and eat. Lunch's ready."

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Adam and his big brother were playing videogames. Sam had just won the particular game they were playing. As a 7 year old boy, Adam, was naturally not pleased with this development. He was for lack of a better word, absolutely pissed.

"You cheated!" Adam yelled in his high pitched voice.

Sam laughed. "No I didn't. Stop being such a sore loser."

Obviously, for anyone who had ever spent time with a small child, Adam's course of action wasn't hard to guess. "I'm telling on you!" he shouted.

"Whoa, calm down little man."

Adam bolted put of Sam's room and ran down the stairs. "Mommy!"

Sam sighed and rolled his eyes. When he went downstairs his mom was staring at him with an annoyed expression. Her relaxation on the living room couch had just been interrupted. "Sam, for all our sakes, let him win."

"Mom, he has to be prepared for the fact that he isn't going to win at everything." Sam said with exasperation.

"Sam…" before she had time to continue scolding him the doorbell rang in an urgent, quick rhythm. Saved by the bell.

He walked to the door and opened it. Alyssa was standing on the porch. Her face was ruddy and she was crying hysterically, her eye make-up running down her face.

The entire house fell silent behind him. "What's wrong?"

She hiccupped and answered in an almost incoherent voice. "My mom just told me that dad called. He-he says he wants-wants me to spend time with him. He wants me to go to his place for three weeks."

He wrapped an arm around her and led her inside. "Come on." He said gently.

The sound of a pin drop could be heard inside. Besides the fact that Sam was worried, the entire family's focus on him and his girlfriend was slightly disconcerting.

He looked at his mom and shook his head in warning. She took her attention from them and turned up the TV. Sam took Alyssa up to his room.

She landed on his bed with a thud. "I mean the guy has had nothing to do with me for the past ten years and now all of a sudden he wants to spend time with me. I doubt his motives. And what if he's drunk the entire time? Who's to say he isn't going to slap me around like he did with my mom if he gets mad?"

Sam sat on the edge of the bed next to her and laid his palm over her hand, twining his fingers with his. "Are you gonna go?"

Her voice was timid then. "I don't want to."

"Do you have a choice?"

"He's trying to argue in court that if he's going to pay child support he should be able to see me. That he has a right to."

"But he can't force you."

"Of course he can. My dad is loaded. How do you think my mom and I can afford to live in such a big house? He can get the state's best lawyers."

"You're just gonna go? You're going to give up that easily? Alyssa, that isn't you. You don't just accept things the way they are. You've always stood up for what you believe in."

"I saw what he used to do to mom. I just don't him to give her trouble, to put her through hell again."

'So you're going to sacrifice your own needs." He stated more than asked.

"It won't be all that bad I guess. It's only going to be 3 weeks." She paused and looked down at the rose print on her skirt. "I'm gonna miss you, though." She rested her head on his shoulder. "God, I'm acting like I'll never get to see you again. The thing is…I'd miss you even only a day went by. I miss you the hours we don't see each other."

"You wouldn't want to spend all day with me, Alyssa. I annoy you, remember?"

"Oh that's the way it's supposed to be. And besides I actually like your sense of humor, even if it annoys me. It makes me grateful that you're happy."

"When do you leave?" he asked.

"Wednesday." Today was Monday.

The silence was impermeable. "You can call me, you know." He said with the slightest melancholy.

"It's not good enough. Your voice isn't enough. I need you, your touch, your smile. I need you. How will I sleep at night without you sneaking in to my house and sleeping next to me?"

He tried to make a joke, take her mind off the stress she was feeling. "You do have like ten stuffed animals."

He heard a muted giggle. "You're such a dick."

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I mean a little childish.."

She interrupted him. 'Sam, shut up."

He smiled. "Okay."

He brought her back down to watch TV with the family. America's Funniest Home Videos were on and Alyssa laughed at the people falling on their asses.

At ten pm she slept in his arms and for a few hours she was in peace. She could forget her fears and the hate she had for her father.

The inevitable day arrived. Her legs were like lead and she felt physically ill. She only packed one suitcase, but Sam insisted he carry it to the car for her.

From the last time Sam had seen her father he hadn't changed much. He was a little fatter around the middle and a little grayer at the temples, but he looked the same. He wasn't dressed like a bar-hopping redneck though. Now he wore a suit. Richard Beck inherited a huge fortune. When Colleen and he were married he had no job no morality either. He looked like he stepped out of a trailer park. He was far more refined now. On the outside anyway.

Alyssa hugged Sam. "I'll miss you."

He whispered in her ear. 'All you need to do is say the word. If he does anything to you, call me and I will kick his ass."

"With an iron baseball bat?" She asked. He smiled at the memory. That day when her father had broken the little six- year- old's teeth young Sam offered to beat him with a baseball bat. He had always been her Knight. Knight Samuel, warrior and protector of fair maidens. Even from the start. He couldn't really rescue her from her dungeon, though. That broke his heart a little bit. But he could be there for her. For once in their relationship he could be there for HER.

He cupped her face and kissed her, a desperate kiss imbued with all the seriousness of the circumstance. A kiss that said I'm going to miss you from the stars and back. And I love you. And you'll be okay.

A tear slipped down her cheek and he wiped it away. "Be brave, Lyssie." He said.

She inhaled in his scent. She had to keep it with her. It would make her time at her father's bearable. That's why she had packed one of his shirts. She pulled away reluctantly. "See you soon cutie."

She walked across the grass and got into the car. As it drove off away from the cul-de-sac street she looked out the back window like a child, her eyes wide. Sam waved until the car turned into a little dot on the cliffy coastline.

For once he could be there for HER. And that made him glad.


	23. Missing You

Part II

Chapter Twenty-One

Missing You

Alyssa's father had bought a mansion just outside of LA. When the car pulled up Alyssa didn't blink. Holy freaking shit, she thought. It was twice the size of her house in one of the highest parts of the city. It was a plantation style house with two Greek columns on either side of the grand doors. This was a joke. There were even shrubbery sculptures. There were horses and other graceful things. It was gratuitous though, kind of like the whimsical evergreen sculptures in Edward Scissorhands. It was so opulent in fact that it seemed forced, unnatural, and silly. She raised an eyebrow. I can't wait to see what's inside, she thought. Most girls would marvel at the fact. They would be thrilled if their father was obscenely rich and let them stay in this palace of a house. But its largeness made it all the more empty and soulless to Alyssa.

He walked her to the front steps and rang the doorbell. A young, attractive woman of no more than twenty seven answered the door. She was dressed far too nicely to be a maid. Alyssa's father introduced her to the woman.

'Alyssa, I'd like you to meet my fiancée, Amanda Wilson."

_Fiancée. Ewwww. She's like half his age._

She extended an elegant long fingered hand, her nails French manicured. Alyssa took her hand and shook it awkwardly.

Her strawberry blonde hair was fashioned in a severe bun, almost like a chignon. There were some baby blue crystal clips holding back side swept bangs. Her black dress looked like it was made of silk. It was floor length and simple, but very pretty. It had a cowl neck, loose fabric draping the front. It accentuated her slender and tall figure and her long neck. The sleeves were tight and went to her wrists. She could have been a movie star, but no, she was even too beautiful for that. She looked like a model. Her skin resembled a baby's, like a peach. Her eyes were a striking mix of green and gold, almost a citrine color. They were surrounded by black eyeliner drawn in a cat-eye fashion and mascara. She wasn't wearing cover-up or blush. Her cheeks were naturally rosy. Her lips were covered in a ruby red shade of lipstick. When she smiled she revealed perfectly straight and blindingly white teeth.

Alyssa felt inadequate. She knew she was attractive. She wouldn't be so popular if she wasn't. She felt though, that any beauty she had was inferior to this woman's. Her face seemed too round now, too soft. There was no bone structure. Alyssa didn't have high cheekbones and a defined jaw. Her figure was another issue entirely. This woman could inspire perfectly normal girls to become anorexics. Alyssa felt like a cow in comparison to Amanda. Alyssa wasn't gracefully tall, but in a woman that wasn't terribly important. Alyssa had a curvy figure. Her breasts were small, but she made up for it in other places. She was too small to be considered voluptuous, though. But still. Alyssa was a size four. This woman looked like she was a 0. And forget about the clothing. Alyssa was wearing a white camisole and her usual flowy skirts with platform flip flops. She must've looked so endearingly stupid to this woman of high fashion. She was so avante-garde. Alyssa was so…regular. She suppressed a frown.

God, if Sam saw this woman he would fall head over heels in love with her and completely forget the auburn haired girl he held in his heart of hearts. Alyssa was certain of it. She had never felt so insecure.

"It's so nice to meet you, Alyssa. Your father has told me so much about you!" She hugged Alyssa.

Alyssa was confused by that. The man hadn't seen her in ten years. What had he told this woman, how much Alyssa liked Barney and My Little Pony?

"Hi Miss Wilson." Alyssa said in a pretentious and forced voice.

Amanda pulled away. "Just call me Amy or Amanda. Miss Wilson is so formal. It makes me sound like a mean private school teacher."

Alyssa was surprised to find herself laugh at this. Amanda had a sense of humor. She was unexpectedly charismatic. The three of them stepped inside. A maid took Alyssa's suitcase and carried it upstairs. Richard's cell phone chirped and he answered. Business matters.

Amanda took it upon herself to show Alyssa her room. Alyssa followed her up the marble staircase, leading up from the grand foyer. This led up to a corridor. Alyssa's room was on the left. It was sweetly decorated, perhaps too much for a 17 year old. There was a lace canopy over the bed. The headboard was made of iron painted over in a cream color and fashioned in swirly flowered vines. The sheets were a butter yellow color. Alyssa sat on the edge of the bed and ran her palms along the sheets. They were made of a silky fabric.

"Call me if you need anything. I'll be in the last room down the hall on the right." Amanda gave Alyssa a motherly smile. Then she shut the door and left.

The youth of her father's fiancée was disgusting to Alyssa. This woman could've have been her older sister. Alyssa didn't know what she thought of her quite yet. She seemed sweet. But then again women typically used that to mask their true maliciousness. Her haute-couture clothing and inhuman beauty suggested she was probably an arrogant bitch.

The lavishness of the mansion overwhelmed Alyssa. Granted she had never been poor. Alyssa had always been part of the higher middle class. But this was…unsettling. She felt out of place.

There was a knock at the door and Alyssa's father stepped inside. "I'll let you unpack. Settle in. Then we're going to have dinner outside in the gazebo."

The _gazebo. _Really, dad you're trying wayyy too hard.

Her father had always lacked class. But in the last decade he seemed to have made up for it. When Alyssa sat down at the dinner table she felt like she was attending an etiquette lesson. There were multiple, forks, spoons, and knives.

Jesus, Sam I need you. Then again Sam had never had class either. He lived in a hovel of a house and then a cramped apartment before moving into his mansion. He wasn't accustomed to high living. He would've been just as confused as her. She looked down at her utensils. "Uuh…"

Amanda noticed her distress and whispered into her ear. "Just sit up straight and do what I do."

Alyssa wouldn't have felt so embarrassed if Richard's business partners and elite friends weren't there. She whispered into Amanda's ear. "I feel a little underdressed."

"You didn't bring anything dressy?" Amanda asked quietly.

She shook her head.

"Come with me."

They both stood up. Richard looked up in confusion.

'I'm just going to help Alyssa with something."

Amanda's room was gorgeous like her. A small chandelier hung from a high ceiling. Her bed was made of a rich finished wood in a mahogany color. The headboard was engraved with ornate filigree. At each of the four corners there were posts that reached four feet into the air. The sheets were a blood red satin like fabric. Amanda's dresser was made out of the same wood and engraved with the same designs. Predictably there was a walk in closet filled with some of the most beautiful dresses Alyssa had ever seen. Amanda picked out a knee length Chinese qipao dress made of silk in a pale lavender color. She went into her jewelry box and pulled out a pair of shiny black diamond encrusted chopsticks and pulled Alyssa's hair into an Asian bun. Then she put some red lipstick on Alyssa's lips. When she looked in the mirror Alyssa was stunned. She looked just as beautiful as Amanda. The look on the young girl's face made Amanda smile.

"I….its…so beautiful." Alyssa said breathlessly.

"Keep it." Amanda said.

'What…I can't . It's probably like a few hundred dollars."

"About six hundred."

"I definitely can't accept it, then."

"Alyssa. Refusing a gift is rude."

"I'm sorry, I just feel so guilty. I mean I haven't done much to earn your kindness."

"Let's just take it as a friendly move on my part. I'm trying to prove to you that I'm not the wicked step mother you think I am."

Alyssa was silent. "I…"

"I was a teenage girl once. And my dad had many wives. It's natural for you to distrust me."

"I don't think that anymore."

"Really?" Amanda seemed childishly happy about that.

"Yeah, you're pretty cool." Alyssa smiled.

Amanda hugged Alyssa eagerly. 'I'm so happy we can be friends. We are gonna be BFF's."

Alyssa laughed. "Okay."

Thanks to Amanda's help the guests were impressed with her. Alyssa was a little more at ease.

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Mansions tended to be eerily silent at night. Alyssa couldn't sleep. It was midnight and she missed a certain blue-green eyed boy. She turned her cell phone on and picked a programmed number with the label "Sam." It rang many times and she was crestfallen over the fact that it would probably go to voice mail.

She was wrong. She heard static and muffled sounds as he picked up. "Hi,Sam. It's Alyssa."

He sounded like he had been hit by a truck. "Hi." He answered in a gravelly voice.

"I miss you." She said girlishly.

The sounds of his stifled laughter filled her ear. "I miss you too."

"What's up?" she asked.

"Nothing. I mean besides the fact that I was sleeping. Other than that nothing much."

She put her hand over her mouth and tried to hush her giggles. "Sorry."

"It's all good, love. How was your day?"

"Intimidating. His house is a fucking castle! Oh and you know that scene in Titanic when Jack has dinner with Rose and her friends and he has no idea what fork to use?"

"Yeah."

"That was me during dinner."

Sam laughed. "That blows."

"What did I miss over in Laguna?"

"Nothing. Well, that's not true. We had this tub of Nacho cheese for our tortilla chips. We were having a cook out. Anyway Guster ate it all. He barfed all over the kitchen. We had to rush him to the vet."

She was guffawing at that point, hyperventilating she was laughing so hard. "I'm sorry. That is NOT funny."

"It's okay. I would think it was hilarious too." There was a pause and she could tell he was going to try and say something funny. "So, tell me. What would you choose? Nacho Cheese barf or 10 different forks?"

She thought about it for a second. "Well, theoretically I could avoid the barf if I didn't go in the kitchen, right?"

"Maybe."

"Nacho Cheese Barf then."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yes, that bad."

"Maybe I can pay you a little visit."

"I don't think Richard would be okay with that."

"Richard, you call him by his first name."

"He doesn't deserve the title 'dad'." Alyssa said.

"He doesn't even deserve to be called by his own name."

Alyssa smiled. "What would you call him?"

"Shithead, dumbass, asshole, fucker, dickhead, I can go on forever."

She laughed. "Please do."

"I don't think there are enough swears in the English language to describe him."

She giggled. When they subsided she sighed. "I miss you."

"You already said that."

"Well I'll say it again. With the amount that I miss you I could say it forever. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you."

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

She giggled again.

He was happy that he could have that affect on her, say nothing and make her laugh. He smiled from ear to ear.

Her voice was little and soft when she spoke. "I miss kissing your beautiful mouth."

"I could say the same for you."

"I miss making love and cuddling afterwards."

"Well, I know what we're doing when you come back."

She laughed. "All day."

"And night." He whispered.

She sighed. "I just want you to touch me. I miss that the most."

"I could show up when everyone's asleep and we could…"

"No. As much I want it, no. He could sic the Dobermans he's probably hiding on you."

Sam burst out into gut busting laughter. "Oh Jesus. He's a piece of work."

"You on the other hand, you're everything I want."

"Really?" he asked shyly.

"Yeah. I love you."

"I love you too." He said tenderly.

Hearing his voice had calmed her spirits. She was in a foreign house with people she barely knew, in a city she'd never been in. But just hearing him speak made her less nervous. As her eyelids became heavier and heavier and consciousness swept away from her she dreamed. About him. The pressure of his body on hers. The way he'd feather kisses down her neck, on her wrist, over her fingers, on her belly. His pretty face covered in little droplets of water when they'd shower together in the morning. How he'd quiver like a leaf in the wind in her arms after they'd finish making love. God, she loved that. And she missed it.

Alyssa didn't know when she'd fallen so in love with him. At first it was friendship, lost and then found again. And then a crush. And then a little more than that. And then love. Not the fleeting kind, the kind that stayed with you forever, that blanketed every part of you with itself.

The first time that she _knew_ she really loved him, though, was when he lay sleeping in her arms after they had their first time. He was exhausted. He couldn't get enough of her and because of that he was worn out. He looked beautiful, completely sated and peaceful. His hair was in disarray, a few stray curls plastered to his forehead, the blue in it striking in the morning sun. She had never noticed the light little freckles that spotted his face or the faint scars by his jaw line or just how long his lashes really were. They were thicker than hers and they fanned out over his face prettily. She didn't know how much she really cared about him, loved him until she was so perfectly entwined with him, feeling his heart beat faintly against her. Until she was full of him, part of him.

She caressed his face with the backs of her fingers, his cheek soft under her touch. His eyes opened slowly and he smiled. One of the few perfect moments of his life.

That was the last memory in her sleeping mind as she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	24. Memories Of You

**A/N: Rated M for sexuality.**

Part II

Chapter Twenty-Two

Memories of You

The sound of crickets blended into a hum of white noise. Sam lay in bed completely restless. It was funny. When he didn't see her and hear her voice. When he pretended she wasn't with him and he didn't miss her he could sleep like a log. A hurricane wouldn't have woken him. But at soon as she called and spoke he couldn't do anything but think of her. That breathlessness, the tingle that would run down him and awaken all his nerve endings had him in its hold. And now that he couldn't hear her voice he ached for her. The pillow he was lying on smelled like her. It was soaked in her scent, a fruit and flower mix of her shampoo and perfume. It almost made him hard.

God, he was going to ravage her when she got back. He could almost feel her under his fingertips, feel her kiss down his neck the way she always did before they made love. His lips parted in a silent moan.

No. Stop, Stop thinking about her. He sat up and got out of bed. A splash of water on his face broke him out of his trance. He started to draw in his room, using the supplies she had gotten him. He heard his door creak and looked up. Ryan's blond hair looked like a disheveled birds nest. "It's one in the morning. What do you want?" Sam asked.

"Nothing dumbass." He furrowed his brows unconvincingly.

"Get the fuck out of my room." A school textbook flew across the room and slammed into the door so hard it sent Ryan falling onto his back. Sam laughed with satisfaction.

"I was actually gonna tell you that I pissed in your laundry hamper!" Ryan said as soon as he got back up.

Sam dropped his pencil and ran for the door.

'Shit!" Ryan yelled as he turned the other way and bolted.

"That's right you better run!" Sam shouted.

He didn't make it very far. Sam crashed into him and Ryan fell face first onto the floor. Sam twisted the boy's arm behind him painfully. "I'm gonna make you eat your own shit." He whispered threateningly into his ear.

"Okay, okay! I'm sorry." He whined.

'What was that?"

"I'm sorry." He said in a pained voice.

"That's what I thought you said." Sam said smugly, letting go of Ryan and walking away.

"I lied about your clothes. I just wanted to get you angry."

"Yeah 'cause it's so funny when I get mad." Sam said sarcastically.

"Well, it is…until you beat the crap out of me."

"Tell me something. What did you want so late at night?"

"I…I like this girl at school."

"You want me to give you advice? Ryan, Alyssa's my first girlfriend ever. _And only, he hoped._

"Better than me!"

"Okay, shoot."

"I gave her a cookie once, when I was seven. We've been friends ever since. But lately she's been real mean to me. Does that mean she's mad at me or she likes me? Cause I've heard sometimes girls are mean to you if they like you."

"Did you do something to make her mad?"

"No."

"Then she probably likes you."

"Soooo…"

"Tell her you see through her act. And that you like her too."

"What if she doesn't like me?"

"It doesn't matter. Because you'll find someone who does."

"Oh."

"Ryan you're wayyy to young to be freaking out over this stuff."

"Probably."

"Is that all you wanted?"

Ryan rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Yeah."

"Goodnight, then."

Sam prayed to God Adam didn't start acting like this when he was 9. Of course the kid had to grow up as much as that dismayed Sam. He enjoyed the 7 year old's innocence and the way he looked up to him. He'd miss that.

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Three days later Amanda took Alyssa to the mall. Alyssa planned to window shop. She only had 100 on her and that would be nothing in the expensive designer stores. And they had to eat too. They were in a department store. Alyssa started looking at the clearance section. She heard Amanda laughing. She turned around.

'What?" Alyssa asked.

"You're so cute."

Alyssa raised an eyebrow.

"You don't need to do that, I'll get you something full price."

"Amanda…you're making me sad."

"Why?"

"Because you're giving me a reason to miss it here. And I don't want to."

"You don't get along with your father?" She asked.

"No, and we haven't seen each other since I was six. I don't really know him."

"Do you want to know him?"

She paused. "No."

"That's too bad." Amanda said softly.

"He isn't the best father in the world. And he wasn't good to my mom."

Amanda didn't make any attempts to disagree with Alyssa. Probably because she secretly agreed. "Let's look for some cute outfits for you." She said in a bubbly voice.

"Okay."

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Alyssa had picked out a few outfits in her dressing room that she liked. She wanted to see what Amanda had on. Probably something gorgeous. Alyssa scurried out of her fitting room. Amanda's door wasn't fully shut and Alyssa opened it. She didn't think Amanda would bind. She said they were best friends.

That wasn't the case. Amanda was zipping up her dress. Her fair back was covered in violet splotches. "Get out!" Amanda screamed.

Alyssa put her hand to mouth in shock. She couldn't move.

"Get out!"

"I…I'm sorry. I didn't"

"Haven't people ever taught you to knock?" she asked venomously.

Alyssa felt her eyes well up. She wasn't usually this sensitive. She picked up her purse and ran out of the fitting room. She ran so fast she didn't realize Amanda instantly regretted yelling at her. By the time Amanda had her clothes on Alyssa was gone.

Alyssa had a set of the car keys. The windows were tinted and she was glad because she was crying. "I miss home." She wept. But more than anything she missed Sam. He was home. She closed her eyes and she was in his car. That ugly old station wagon. It didn't matter, though. She'd live in a tent if he was there with her. She stuck her head out the window as he sped down the highway late at night. Her eyes were reduced to slits as the wind hit her face with intensity. Her hair flew out behind her and she screamed. Rowdy music bled out of the car's speakers. Usually his taste in music bothered her, but that night it made her feel reckless. He looked at her with an ear to ear smile on his face. "Yeah! He yelled. He laughed. And then the light turned red. "Shit!" he slammed on the brakes.

They looked at each other, Alyssa's hair was a mess and Sam looked like he'd seen a ghost. Then they burst into howls of laughter.

"We almost died." Alyssa said without any seriousness.

Sam revealed an evil, completely sexy smile. "Let's do it again."

As soon as the light turned green the car's engine roared and it shot down the highway, Alyssa's screams ripping through the night.

She smiled, wiping away the tears on her face. For a split second she could see him sitting next to her in the back seat with a cute smile on his face and then she was in his arms again with her head buried in his chest, inhaling the odd scent of spice and honey that was uniquely him. He was so warm.

She opened her eyes and it had started to rain. She saw Amanda's face in the window. Amanda knocked on the window with her fist. Alyssa could hear the faint "open the door" from outside. That was stupid considering it was Amanda's car and she herself had keys, but maybe she didn't want to force her way in. Alyssa opened it and Amanda hugged her tightly.

"I'm sorry, sweetie."

Alyssa felt numb at the moment. She didn't really know how to respond.

"It's just, I didn't want anyone to find out."

"I had the vaguest hope that maybe he'd changed." Alyssa said softly.

"Most of the time he's a very good man. He lets me do anything I want. He buys me everything. I get to travel. What girl doesn't dream of that?"

"But is it worth it if he hurts you?"

Amanda was silent for a moment. "He doesn't mean to. Some days he has so much work. He's exhausted you know? And the last thing he needs is me being my annoying self."

'You're not annoying. You don't think you should tell someone?"

"No, believe me he doesn't do it a lot. Not worth making a scene for."

"So you won't leave him?"

"I love your father, Alyssa."

"You think that now, Amanda. But what happens when you get married and you have kids? Will it be okay when he hits them?"

"He would never do that." Amanda said with false hope.

"He did to me."

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That night after dinner the house echoed with the voices of a man and a woman. Amanda was confronting Richard about hurting Alyssa when she was little. It got so loud, their voices so raised that Alyssa felt the despair creeping into her again. She thought she'd left it behind. It came to a head and she heard a crash.

No more. No more, she thought as she threw on a raincoat and ran down the stairs. Amanda was on the floor in a heap of broken glass with tears running down her face. Alyssa gave her a confused look, her face twisted in a frown. Then she went for the door. She could hear the heavy footsteps of her father behind her. He gripped her arm. "What are you doing?"

The anger bubbled up inside her. She whipped around and gave him a poisonous glare. "Let me go!"

He shook her slightly, both hands in a steel grip around her upper arms. "What did you tell her about me?"

"Get your hands off me, you fucking drunk!" She screamed.

She could hear the slap more than feel it on her cheek. He looked horrified and he loosened his grip on her. She was immobile, an emotionless cold expression marring her features.

"I'm sorry sweetheart."

And then something clicked inside her. 'Fuck you!" She turned and ran for the door and the rain poured down on her in sheets. Her father's estate was scary at night, so huge and empty and quiet. You could kill someone up here and no one would know.

The first thing Alyssa realized after running down the 100 foot driveway was that she had no idea where she was going. And that the gate was locked. She was determined to get out of this hell and back home to Sam. She gripped the slick iron railing and climbed up. A gust of rainy wind blew back her hood and blinded her, but she held on tight. Her shoes had no treads and her foot slipped, all her weight on her hands. It was painful and she loosened her grip, falling 5 feet onto her back. She screamed, angry. Alyssa sat against the brick wall surrounding the property with her head tucked between her knees in curled up position to keep her warm. The barely audible sound of a woman's voice broke through the rain. Alyssa looked up and Amanda was running towards her with a flashlight in hand.

"Alyssa!'

Alyssa stood up, her eye make-up streaked over her cheeks. Amanda threw her arms around the girl. "You scared me, baby."

Alyssa looked into Amanda's eyes with brows furrowed. 'Shouldn't you be at the hospital right now?" She yelled through the rain.

"I'm fine. What I'm worried about right now is you."

"I'm good, physically. My cheek is a little sore." She paused. "I miss home."

Amanda tucked matted pieces of hair behind Alyssa's ear. "I know, cutie."

Her eyes dropped to the wet asphalt. "I miss my boyfriend."

Amanda stroked Alyssa's face. "When we go back inside tell me about him."

Alyssa felt defeated but she relented. Sam wouldn't like it if she sat outside in the rain and caught pneumonia. As they were walking back up to the mansion, Richard's car reversed 30 miles an hour down the driveway, the high beams blinding. Alyssa stared in alarm. She felt Amanda drape an arm around her. "Come on."

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The two sat girlishly on Alyssa's bed with hot cocoa in their hands. They both looked like shit, hair damp and frizzy and make-up everywhere except where it was supposed to be.

"Tell me about him."

Alyssa involuntarily smiled, a blush rising on her cheeks. "He's wonderful."

Amanda smiled. "Yeah?"

She tried to hush the giggle that was rising up inside her. "He's cute, and sweet, and funny."

"You sound like a 12 year old gushing about her first boyfriend."

"Because that's the way he makes me feel."

'What's his name?"

'Sam." She couldn't contain herself, her lips curled and she laughed

Amanda's face was wistful. She knew exactly how this girl felt. "You love him." She said softly.

"Of course I do. We grew up together. He's part of me."

Amanda was stricken sad. She was envious of this girl and her luck.

'Does he love you?"

"More than anything. He tells me he wants to marry me."

"You don't think he's lying?"

Alyssa was slightly offended. But then again this woman was not engaged to one of the best men in the world. "No. You know he waited for our first time. Which wasn't that much of a wait." She laughed. "I kind of ruined it. Impatience got the best of me. But he would've waited for as long I wanted."

"He sounds very sweet."

"He is. Which is surprising, considering what happened to him."

Amanda looked at her inquisitively.

'His mom and dad got divorced when he was six. Like mine. I guess that's one of the reasons we're together. He got into drugs. And then a year ago, his dad took him and they built a house together. And he cleaned up, got sober." She was silent for a moment. "Then his dad died of Cancer."

"That's terrible."

"It's been so hard for him. Sometimes he's so sad I don't know what to do."

"You're doing everything for him just by loving him."

Alyssa sipped her hot cocoa and smiled.

"SO what does he look like?"

"He has black hair and greenish blue eyes."

"Sounds cute."

"He is. Let me show you a picture." Alyssa went through her dresser drawer. It was a photo of him with a goofy smile on his face. Like he wasn't ready to be photographed. The sky was blue behind him and it enhanced his eyes.

Amanda took the picture and looked at it. "He's adorable."

"Yeah…" Alyssa said dreamily.

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Alyssa lay in bed on her side, listening to the sounds of thunder, running her fingers over the photo of Sam. She found that even under the thick comforters she was cold. She had taken for granted the warmth his body gave her when he would lie in bed with her.

The phone rang. She picked it up, leaning on her head board. "Hello?"

"Hi." Came the sweet reply.

"Sam! It's so nice to hear your voice."

"I miss you." He murmured with the slightest longing in his voice.

"Tell me about it. More than anything I miss having sex with you."

He laughed. 'Don't say that word."

She giggled. 'Why?"

"Because it'll make me hard thinking about it."

'Is that such a bad thing?" She asked flirtatiously.

'When I don't have you to take care of it, yes."

She burst out into laughter. "Tell me, when I'm not there to please you, do you lock yourself in your armoire and play with yourself?"

"No. Too risky. Mom and the kids would walk in on me."

"But it was okay at George's?"

"I wouldn't do it with him in there!"

"Would it shake? I mean it was pretty small."

'Alyssa!"

She laughed. "I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable."

"You've always pushed the boundaries."

"So how's Guster? Still barfing?"

"Wonderful transition."

"What can I say, I'm gifted."

"He's great. What about you?"

Her voice lost all humor. "I'm fine."

"That doesn't sound fine."

"Really…I"

"You had a bad day?"

"God that's all it's been like here. But yeah, especially today."

"What happened?"

"I don't know if I should tell you. You might come up here with a weapon."

"What?"

"My dad's engaged to this woman. Anyway she and him got into a huuuge fight. I couldn't handle it so I wanted to leave. My dad tried to stop me. I called him a drunk and he slapped me."

"He what!" Sam yelled. "Oh my god, he is going to DIE."

"It's okay."

"It is NOT okay. Are you alright? Do you want me to come up there?"

"No. It's all good. He won't try anything again. He kinda left."

"If anything else happens, if he lays a hand on you again I'm not going to ask your permission to come up there. I'm just gonna show up and kill him."

"Sam."

'What?"

"I love you."

His voice softened. "I love you too. Just please take care of yourself. You don't how much I've been worrying about you. And now that…"

She cut him off. "Really, Sam. I'm okay. He didn't hurt me. I can handle it."

He was barely audible. "You shouldn't have to handle it."

Alyssa sighed. "I'm more concerned about his fiancée. She took quite a beating. She looks like she needs to be checked out by a doctor, but she refuses to go."

"Probably because the doctors will suspect something."

"I just don't understand how she can just sit there and take it."

"Put yourself in her place. He's rich. He's offering her security and the finest things in the world. And she probably loves him."

"How can she LOVE him?"

"You don't know much about my dad's past. His dad used to beat him and his mom. You know what George told me? That he wanted to kill him, but he couldn't because he loved him too much. This man beat the shit out of him constantly and he LOVED him. You can't control the people you love, Alyssa. Even if they're not good for you."

"That's sad." She said softly.

Sam paused and his voice sounded strained when he finally spoke."As much as it hurts that he's gone I think it was for the best, you know? He's finally at peace. His entire life he was made to feel like he was nothing. His parents died when he was young, my mom took me from him, and he missed my entire childhood. He'd never be able to have that back, to have his own childhood back. I think that all the things that happened to him ate away at him inside and I think as long as he was alive that's how it would be for the rest of his life."

"Even if he had a relationship with you?"

"There wouldn't be one. If he didn't get Cancer I don't think he would've ever tried to help me. I think he would've just kept on in his ways, being defeated, not thinking he was good enough to do anything about things. I think he'd probably be destroyed by what I was doing to myself, but he wouldn't feel like he had the power to stop it."

"Would you have rather he never got Cancer and you stayed the way you were if it meant he could live?" She asked.

"I…I don't know. The thing is, when I was…lost he was dead to me in a way.'

"But you could've seen him, talked to him. He was there."

"I wouldn't, though. If he didn't realize he had Cancer I would be dead right now."

She spoke in a hushed tone. "Don't say that."

"It's true. I'd have probably overdosed. And it wouldn't hurt as much as it would now. You didn't really know me. It wouldn't have been a big loss."

Her voice sounded like it was about to crack. "Of course it would've been! Sam, you were my best friend. It would have killed me. Do you know how much I missed you the five years we didn't talk? It was like a part of me had been ripped away. If you had died…" She couldn't finish. Her hiccupping gasp of a cry filled the phone. "Don't talk about that stuff, okay? Just don't."

"I'm sorry." He apologized remorsefully.

"I hope you don't ever think about that stuff now."

"About what?" He asked.

"Killing yourself."

His voice sounded optimistic. "No. I'm seeing a therapist remember? Everything's headed in the right direction. Let's stop talking about me, okay? I called to see how YOU were doing."

She grasped for words. "Do you think she'll be okay?"

"Who?"

"Amanda. My dad's fiancée."

"I don't know."

"I hope so. I like her a lot. I don't want her die."

"That's all up to her. If she decides to stay like my grandmother did, she probably will. If she fights back the way your mom did then there's hope."

"I hope he doesn't hit her again while I'm here."

"You're not worried about yourself? About what'll happen if he gets angrier than he was last time?"

"Of course I do. But you told me to brave. And I will be. If he really hurts me I'll come back home right away, I promise."

"If he REALLY hurts you? Alyssa, he shouldn't hurt you at all."

"It's only for 2 more weeks. I'll make it."

"But with bruises."

'Sam. You're supposed to make me feel better about my decision. Not worse."

"That's kind of difficult to do when your safety's at stake."

"Nothing will happen."

"If it does, promise you'll call me. If anything were to happen to you…" his voice faltered.

"I promise, Sam."

"Call me tomorrow. I love you."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The day fit her mood. Stormy. The thunder matched her longing for him. And the rain, the rain, well it was him. Before it was really there the breeze was cold, like he was. But summer rain was warm when it finally hit you. And he was warm. The rain coated her skin, the way her desire for him did. The way he did when they melted together, when he was tangled up in her.

She went back inside, watching as the rain came down in sheets. She pressed her hands against the window. A bolt of strong lighting lit up the dark blue sky and her eyes played tricks on her. He appeared like an apparition on the other side of the window, looking at her intently, his palms matching hers, trying to touch her. She touched where his mouth would be if glass didn't separate them.

The thunder clapped and the sky lit up again. And he was gone.

No one was up. It was far too early. Alyssa was glad her father was asleep. She didn't have to face him after what happened last night. Her footsteps were soft on the stairs. Her suitcase was a mess. Clothes that had been neatly folded were bunched up and wrinkled. Alyssa dug through it and pulled out a CD case. Her eye caught one burned disc, a DVD with sharpie lettering on it. Memories, it said in scribbled writing. Just hearing his voice wasn't enough.

He had the camera pointed to himself. "So, ladies and gentlemen this is what Alyssa Beck does behind closed doors. I'm gonna be extra quiet so she doesn't figure out I'm recording this." He opened the door slowly and she was dancing alone in his room, hopping around and singing off key to Britney Spears with a hairbrush in her hand as a makeshift microphone.

"Isn't she lucky, this Hollywood guuuurl? And they say, she's so lucky, she's a star. But she cries, cries, cries…"

Sam's laughter overpowered her voice. She looked around bewildered. Then she saw him.

'Sam! You fucking jerk!" Alyssa threw her hairbrush aside. The Britney Spears song kept playing. "I'm going to cut off your privates!" She started for him.

'Oh shit." He cursed .The camera was still recording and it shook as he ran, blurry images of floor and wall. He was running so fast that the inevitable happened. He fell. "Fuck!"

But Sam was relentless, even as Alyssa fell onto him with fury he recorded. Her face was flushed. "Turn it off!"

"Please, have mercy. I'm injured."

She tore the camera from his hands and turned it on his terrified face. "And now I present the one act play "How I killed My Boyfriend, Sam ."

"I'm sorry!"

"Too late."

He pushed her off him and she squealed. He ran and locked himself in the bathroom.

"That's real cute, Sam, But it isn't going to save you." She pounded on the door. "Let me in!"

"No!"

"Let me in or I swear we will never have sex again!"

He opened the door and she proceeded to punch him in the face. "You broke my fucking face!"

"Good." Alyssa heard footsteps and turned the camera to the confused Adam. "Oops I Did it Again" echoed through the house while Sam was bent over in pain and Alyssa was recording. It must've looked strange.

'What is going on?" Adam asked perplexed.

"I think I'm bleeding." Sam whined.

"Serves you right."

She stifled her laughter at the video. The next clip was her revenge on him. He had a habit of locking the bathroom door when he showered, but he was comfortable with her so he always left it open. She walked in silently as he sang. Alyssa wasn't the best singer in the world. But Sam was completely tone deaf. When he sang, it didn't even constitute as singing. It was just a barrage of strange sounds. The current song he was butchering was Metallica's "Nothing Else matters."

"Trust I seek and I find in you, everyday for us something new, open mind for a different view, and nothing else maaaaattterrrs!"

She imitated him, singing in a deep off key voice . "Nooothing else mattersss. Yeaaah!"

He stopped abruptly. "I don't sing like that."

She howled a made up song. "I'm Saaam. My voice attracts the wolves, sounds like dying cooooows!"

He opened the shower door and pointed his finger at her. 'I do Not sound like that!"

"Chill out!" She giggled.

"It's not Fucking funny! Turn it off. Turn it off!"

"Revenge is sweet." She zoomed in on his face.

"Turn it off!"

"Dance for me, Sam. If you sing like that I can't wait to see how you dance." She shook the camera as she hummed.

"I am not going to dance. And don't you even think about pointing that camera downwards."

"You just gave me an idea."

"I will KILL you!"

"I'm so scared."

He gripped her sides and pulled her in. She screamed as water poured over her. She reached for the sides of the tub. His arms wrapped around her from behind. He pulled her up flush against him. His lips were tantalizingly close to her ear. "Had enough?"

"No."

She felt his wet hair brush her cheek as he kissed her neck. "Now?" he mouthed against her skin.

"No." she said a little less convincingly. She shut off the camera and tossed it out onto the bathroom floor outside the stall.

He whipped her around to face him and pinned her to the wall, lifting her skirt and hitching her leg on his hip. He brushed his nose against hers, his hot breath hitting her lips. "Now?" he whispered huskily.

"No." She whimpered.

His lips glided over hers and he pushed her hips into his a bit more snugly so she could feel how much he wanted her. He moaned as he claimed her lips and parted them, his tongue exploring her mouth. He pulled her underwear down just enough so he could slip inside. Their hips rocked in unison as they had sex.

Her revenge backfired. She forgot about it as she lay next to him in bed. Now she recorded his sleeping face. She ran her fingers over his features. "It's so hard to hate you when you look so cute." She hesitated. "You still can't sing though."

She was alarmed when he spoke, his eyes still shut. "You're lucky I'm so tired, or else I would do you again to make you say otherwise."

"Never!"

'Shut up." He pulled her back down into his arms. She buried her head in his chest. "I love you."

It faded to black. Prom clips were next. Sam and Alyssa were walking down her stairs. Sam's face as the camera flashes blinded him was hilarious. The family wanted pictures of them out on the lawn. Sam rolled his eyes as they took endless photos. They even wanted pictures of the couple inside the limo. Sam reached his limit. He rolled up the window and the limo pulled away. The windows were slightly tinted but his amused smile was visible. The final portion of the video was of Adam singing karaoke. Robin had bought the little boy a karaoke machine and he decided to put on a concert. He was dressed like Justin Timberlake, singing N'Sync songs and doing the boy band moves convincingly. Sam shook with laughter on the couch. "Oh my freaking God." He breathed.

Alyssa yelled. "Backstreet Boys next!"

The tape ended with Sam laughing, his face was beet red and adorable.

The ache was unbearable. Every hour, every day that passed made her miss him more. There was no getting used to being away from him. All she had was pictures, and phone conversations, and videos. But they weren't the same. It wasn't the same as feeling him. She could only pretend that he was with her. The night before she left he lay in bed with her and she couldn't forget his hushed voice telling her that it didn't matter how far away they were from each other. He would always be with her. And it was true; there were pieces of him in her spirit. When she heard his name or thought of him those pieces lit up like candles inside her and made her warm.

But it wasn't enough.

All she could do was pretend he was there. She closed her eyes and lay on her side and tried to bring herself back to a time when she was in his arms. She could almost feel his lips graze the nape of her neck and his hand venture under her sleep shirt, his fingers running over her hip. Her heart beat unevenly and she felt butterflies in her stomach.

Alyssa couldn't keep pretending for long. She drifted back to reality and she sighed before tears slipped out from under shut eyes. She gripped her pillow tightly. "Come back to me." She whispered.

The only consolation she had was that as every day passed, the closer she got to seeing him again. It didn't make her miss him any less. And then she fell asleep, dreaming about him. The only respite from aching. Come back to me. Come back to me…


	25. Save Me

**A/N: I'm **_**so sorry**_** about the wait. I've had a lot of assignments this semester. College is kicking my ass, lol. But the upside is that as a result this is a really long chapter. Rated M. Hope you enjoy.**

Part II

Chapter Twenty-three

Save Me

The most stunning sunrises always happen after storms. Rays of light break through clouds in an ethereal way, like the sky is opening up to reveal heaven. Alyssa felt that way about this morning. Golden and pink hues tinted the fluffy clouds.

Unfortunately seeing something beautiful made her think of Sam and how he couldn't watch the sky with her. But if the prettiest sunrises happened after storms, maybe he would be her sunrise after the rain and thunder. Around 10 am she went outside to the gazebo with a book and jasmine flavored tea. It was a spectacular day. The sky was remarkable, a mix of periwinkle and powder blue. It was breezy, not oppressively hot. Alyssa sat down and began to sip her tea opening to a bookmarked page in the novel she brought with her. It was "Music in the Night" by VC Andrews, a sad book about a wealthy girl with a strict family who falls in love with a handsome and sweet boy who her family does not approve of. Despite their objections she secretly meets with him all the time. One day they make love by the sea. They fall asleep in each other's arms. Unfortunately they don't realize high tide is coming in and the boy is swept away. He drowns and the girl is so traumatized she loses her memory. Her grandmother, the strictest of all her family members sends her to a Rehab facility.

Alyssa was moved by it, she was at the part where the girl had just arrived at the institution. Her separation from Sam made it all worse and she teared up a few times. But she would get to see Sam soon. The girl in the book had no such luxury.

Alyssa was so engrossed in the book she didn't notice the clicking of footsteps on the stone walkway to the gazebo. She took a break from reading, and looked back toward the house.

And then her heart leapt into her throat. A dark haired boy walked in her direction, his eyes a milky green color in the sun, his lips curled in a goofy smile. Alyssa got up so fast the chair almost fell backwards. She screamed at the top of her lungs and ran toward him. He chuckled with delight before she crashed into him with such force that he almost fell. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and buried his face in her hair, breathing her in. He lifted her off the ground and spun her and she squealed happily. When he set her back down, he felt her lips brush his neck.

"Oh Sam. I've missed you so much." She whispered.

He pulled out of the embrace slightly and cupped her face. "I've missed you too."

She lifted her hand and stroked his brow and then his temple. "How did you get past Richard?"

He smirked and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "Amanda answered the door. Apparently you've told her a lot about me. All good things I hope."

"No! I told her you're a mean, ugly, disgusting young man and that you take advantage of me regularly."

"I love taking advantage of you."

"I like it too." She grinned evilly. "But in all seriousness I actually told her you're amazing and I love you."

He ran his thumb over her lips.

She looked up into his eyes with a sleepy gaze. "Isn't she so much prettier than me?"

"No. I mean she's attractive. But you're beautiful. I only have eyes for you."

Her lips curled under his fingers. Sam covered her mouth with his and kissed her softly. Alyssa sighed into his mouth and kissed him back. He ran his hand down her side, fabric turning into skin where her camisole ended. He deepened the kiss and she moaned against his lips. Her fingers crept under his shirt, her hand exploring his smooth back. His tongue glided over her mouth and he nibbled her lower lip gently. She made a contended sound, her hand sweeping over his hip and resting over the ridge of his pants. He pulled his lips from her suddenly.

"Don't do that." He whispered raggedly.

She smiled seductively and pushed his shirt up, her palm running over his stomach and then playing with his belt. "Why not?"

He looked at her through half lidded eyes. "Because I'll do you right here."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

He feathered kisses down her neck. "Usually no. But I wanna make a good impression so your dad won't kick me out as soon as he sees me."

"You have a point." She took his hand and kissed his knuckles.

'Let's go inside." He said.

Alyssa held Sam's hand and they walked inside. "Castle right?"

"Fucking enormous." He answered.

They both laughed.

Amanda and Richard were having a late breakfast in the kitchen. Sam tried not to notice the bruise running from Amanda's temple to her hairline. She was wearing makeup over it, but the fluorescent lighting made it slightly transparent.

'Amanda,…dad, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Sam."

Richard tried to hide his discontent. But a frown managed to seep into his features. Sam was better at suppressing his hate for the man. He plastered a fake smile on his face and held his hand out. An awkward amount of time passed before Richard shook Sam's hand. "Hi, Mr. Beck."

"Hello Sam."

"I hope I haven't caused an inconvenience showing up without notice. Alyssa wanted to see me."

Richard opened his newspaper roughly. "No, fine. No problem."

Sam knew it was a problem. He looked at Amanda. "We already met." He smiled.

Amanda's nervous expression faded and she smiled back at him. "It's great to have met you, Sam. You're as sweet as Alyssa tells me."

"It's nice to hear that." He said.

"I wanna show you the rest of the house."

Richard's newspaper was raised like a wall in front of him. He made no attempt to move it as he spoke.

"I hope you know that you are not allowed to be in her bedroom alone with her."

Sam almost laughed out loud. "She didn't say anything about the bedroom. And I wouldn't dream of disrespecting your daughter like that."

"Sure you wouldn't. I was a teenage boy once. As soon as I turn my back you're going to fuck her brains out."

Sam suppressed the smile that was tugging at his lips. "I understand your lack of trust with me. But I promise I won't be doing anything inappropriate with your daughter."

"For your sake I hope that's true."

Sam smirked dryly. He wasn't at all intimidated by the guy. Alyssa and Sam walked out of the kitchen.

"Fucking prick."

"You get to leave. I have to spend another two weeks with him."

He held her hand "So run away with me."

"I want to."

They went outside again, sitting on a swinging wooden bench. Alyssa climbed onto Sam's lap and laid her head on his chest. "How long are you here for?" She asked quietly.

"Till tomorrow morning."

She looked up into his eyes and traced the outlines of his face. "Too soon."

She felt his hands sprawl out over back.

"We'll be together soon." He whispered.

She cupped his face in her hands and pressed her lips against his. He made a deep contended sound and his lips responded to hers. He kissed her languidly. His fingers brushed her delicate neck and then her shoulder. He kissed the edge of her mouth and then trailed kisses down her neck, in the hollow of it, all over. She began to breathe unevenly as his lips grazed her shoulder and she closed her eyes as he feathered soft kisses over her heartbeat. She pulled him down on top of her on the bench. His eyes were half lidded as he looked down at her. His face was flushed and his lips were swollen. Which made her want him more. He cradled her head in his hands and covered her mouth with his. She raised her legs, wrapping them around her waist, his hips pressed into hers. He pulled his lips from hers slightly and moaned, his breaths quick and feverish. Then he buried his face in her neck, feathering bruising love bites over skin. She whimpered and tugged his hair. He nibbled on her skin.

Sam was confused when she her palms pushed against his chest. "No." she said breathlessly.

He stopped and looked at her. "What?"

"No hickies. My dad will kill you."

He smiled. 'Wear make-up."

"No amount of make-up will cover YOUR hickies."

"I told him I wouldn't have sex with you, I didn't say anything about biting you."

"True. But still, he'll murder you anyway."

"I'm willing to take that risk."

She smiled and twined her leg with his. "You're so hard."

He ran his hand up her thigh, his face dangerously close to her, hot breaths on her face."Let's do something about it."

"Not out here, with our clothes on."

'What are you afraid of? When you can get caught it's hotter."

"I'm not feeling adventurous."

"The first place your asshole of a dad is gonna look will be your bedroom."

"He'll see us out here too!"

"Then what do you suggest?"

"We wait until they're asleep tonight."

"You're a tease. You wait until I'm turned on and then change your mind."

"Sam, you don't know how badly I want it. But I honestly think my dad will shoot you with a hunting rifle if he sees us."

Sam smiled. "He would too. Especially with all that plaid flannel he used to wear."

Alyssa mocked her father in a faux southern drawl, "Boyy, youu are goin to di-uh. I'mma shoot you with my here rifle."

Sam laughed. He buried his face in her neck and inhaled the sweet scent of her. "I love you."

Alyssa ran her fingers through his hair. "I love you to the end of the milky way and back. Now let's go inside and pretend we weren't fooling around."

"You're lucky I'm wearing baggy pants."

She cracked up. "I've heard if you hit yourself it draws the blood away from those regions."

"You're retarded."

She smiled. "That's why you're with me."

He looked down into her eyes. "Right, because I'm totally into girls who are mentally compromised."

"You can't really say anything on that subject. I'd say you're mentally compromised too. And much more than me."

"Oh way more than you!" he said proudly.

They laughed in unison. Then they sat up, fixing their clothes. Alyssa wanted to sleep with Sam. In fact it didn't matter what they were doing and where they were. They could be eating, or watching tv and that was all she thought about. She missed it a lot.

But she also missed just talking to him, the way they were at the moment. When Sam wasn't sad he had the uncanny ability to make her laugh. And she loved the fact that most of the time he was honest with her. That he said what he was thinking, what he was feeling. And much to the chagrin of her mother she loved that being around him had made her swear like a truck driver. She had become a bit less girly. She listened to less pop music. Her Britney and Christina CD's were collecting dust. But she would NEVER EVER listen to Marilyn Manson. Just no.

Sam and Alyssa sat on the swing lazily until lunch rolled around. They ate and then they went for an afternoon ride. Sam was going 20 miles an hour over the speed limit, his music blaring loudly.

Alyssa smirked. "You think you're so bad ass. Let me remind you that you're driving a freaking station wagon."

Sam held a hand to his ear. "What? I can't hear you over the music. What?" he smiled.

She shoved him playfully. Then she unclipped her seatbelt, hanging outside the window from the waist up. She screamed and the driver in the other cars looked at her with perplexed looks on their faces. She laughed at their reactions.

Alyssa felt Sam's hand at her hip.

"Okay enough. You're gonna fall out."

ALyssa let out a final blood curdling scream. Then she came back into the car with such force that she bumped into Sam, his hands slipped on the steering wheel and the car veered into the next lane. The sound of the tires scratching against the asphalt as he braked mixed with the angry honks of the other cars. He swerved back into his own lane.

"For fuck's sake, Alyssa!" He yelled.

She burst out into laughter.

"You almost killed us both."

"I know, wasn't it awesome!"

He paused and the angry expression melted off his face. He smiled. "A little bit." He took the exit off the highway which would lead them back home. "I thought you didn't feel adventurous."

"I do now."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Sam's car was parked in an abandoned parking lot. The couple kissed in the backseat. They stopped for a moment looking sleepily into each other's eyes. Sam hands glided down her sides and pulled up her camisole. She ran her palm over his chest, down his stomach, and onto his belt buckle. She snapped it open, and unbuttoned his pants, unzipping his fly torturously slow. He pushed her against him roughly, his lips grazing her ear and then her neck. He undid her bra and cupped her breast . She let out an uneven breath edged with a moan. She pulled his t-shirt over his head, kissing his neck, running her hands down his back.

The sun started sinking in the sky, the day getting dimmer.

They panted as their bodies moved up and down in a frenzied rhythm. Alyssa grabbed a tuft of his hair as he bucked inside her. He moaned raggedly and she raked his back. He gripped her thigh and wrapped her leg around his waist. He felt her hips roll under his before her lips parted and she came. He didn't last much longer, crying out and collapsing in her sated arms. She trailed her hand down his spine as he his chest expanded with quick, feverish breaths. He was still and she closed her eyes. They both fell asleep in exhaustion.

The car ride back was quiet and the return to Richards' mansion was as well. They watched TV, Alyssa's head on Sam's shoulder, her hand in his. He ran his thumb over the top of her hand and smiled as she whispered "I love you."

He smiled. Before he could respond Richard walked in with Amanda not far behind. Alyssa sat up flustered. Sam, though, looked unaffected.

"Where have you been?" the slightest tension breaking through in his voice.

"Nowhere. Me and Sam just went for a ride on the highway and then we got some coffee from Seattle's Best."

"You didn't have my permission to go ANYWHERE with him."

"Dad, I'm 17. I don't need your permission."

"You're underage and you're under my roof. You WILL obey my rules."

Sam didn't like where the conversation was going. "You don't actually get the luxury of saying that to her if you haven't been a father her whole life."

Richard's face reddened. "Shut your fucking mouth!"

Amanda put a hand on his shoulder. "Richard, honey, I think you're overreacting."

He pushed her away slightly. "Don't you tell me what to do."

"I'm sorry. Alyssa is a very good and responsible girl, Richard. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

He gripped her arm roughly and turned her to face him. "Don't interfere in things that have nothing to do with you."

Sam frowned and stood up. 'Whoa, man. Lay off. She's trying to help you."

"You watch your mouth, kid. You come to my house uninvited and fool around with my daughter behind my back and you have the balls to tell ME what to do?"

"Didn't anyone teach you how to treat a woman?" Sam asked.

Richard seethed. He shoved Sam.

Sam furrowed his brows. "Hey! Relax!"

He came at Sam, pushing him into the wall. Alyssa was frightened. Sam's eyes looked like burning ice, if ice could burn.

Sam gripped Richard's shoulders and pushed him away. "Get your fucking hands off me!"

Richard punched Sam in the jaw. Alyssa's scream echoed behind. "Dad, leave him alone!"

He gripped Sam's shirt and shoved him back into the wall. Alyssa laid her hand on his arm. "Dad!" His arm swung backwards and struck her. She stumbled and fell. And the lock keeping Sam's emotions at bay broke.

"Don't you fucking touch her!" He flew into Richard and they landed on the floor. He punched him in the teeth. He pinned Sam to the ground, his hands around his neck. Sam writhed, his boots scuffing the floor as he kicked and flailed. Amanda ran for the phone, dialing 911.

"Please, I need the police. My fiancée is assaulting a boy in my house. He has him in a chokehold. Hurry!"

Tears sprung from Alyssa's eyes. "Dad, please! Stop, you'll kill him!"

Sam stopped fighting, his eyes glazing over as he began to lose consciousness. Alyssa couldn't stand and watch any longer. She grabbed a lamp post off one of the tables and swung. It struck Richard and he fell onto his side.

Sam gasped as the pressure on his windpipe was released. Alyssa ran to him, cupping his face. "Sam, are you okay?" her voice cracked as she cried.

He coughed harshly as the air filled his lungs again.

"Please be okay." Alyssa pleaded.

He sat up and took her into his arms, stroking her hair. "I'm okay. What about you? Are you hurt?"

She cried into his shirt. "I'm fine." She wrapped her arms around him. "But that's not important. I was so scared he was going to kill you."

He rubbed her back consolingly. "Well, he didn't. And you are important."

She lifted her head off his chest looking up into his eyes. 'I'm so sorry about all this."

He gazed into her eyes. "Don't be."

The sound of police sirens filled the air. Amanda let the officers in. They handcuffed Richard. The EMT's suggested they all be checked at the hospital for any serious injuries. No one suffered more than a few bruises. Amanda was seen last and Sam and Alyssa sat in the waiting room, a thick silence filling the air between them.

Alyssa touched Sam's face where an explosion of purple had pooled under his skin. "Thank you for standing up for me and Amanda."

He looked at her seriously. "You're coming home with me tonight."

"I can't leave her alone in the house. He's gonna bail himself out."

"I'm not asking you, Alyssa."

"I can't."

He averted his gaze, looking into air. A sigh passed through his lips. "The next time you're not gonna escape with just bruises."

"She's scared, Sam."

'She can stay in a hotel or with a friend. She's not your problem, Alyssa! You barely know her."

"Look who's talking. You got the shit kicked out of you because he started getting rough with her."

"Well now she's safe. You need to start looking out for yourself."

"Isn't that what you do?"

"Me looking out for you isn't enough. I can't be with you all the time. In all those in betweens you have to take care of yourself. You have this terrible habit of putting other people's needs before your own."

Amanda's needs, your needs are bigger, more serious than mine."

He locked eyes with hers. "No they're not."

Amanda walked towards them. "We're all clear. Let's go home."

Sam sat in the front passenger seat of the taxi, his head resting on the window. He watched the traffic lights reflect on slick, rain covered pavement like the green and reds of Christmas. The car was uncomfortably silent. But he didn't know what to say to fill the quiet.

Sam turned his head to glance at Alyssa. Amanda's head was on her shoulder and she was asleep. Alyssa smiled wearily. He smiled faintly and turned back around watching the heavy rain form a thick layer of water over the windshield. The taxi's windshield wipers weren't fast enough against the storm.


	26. Putting Ourselves Back Together

Part II

Chapter Twenty-four

Putting Ourselves Back Together

The air was so thick was unsaid words Alyssa thought the house would come down on her. Sam seemed…angry. He wouldn't look at her. Had she done something wrong?

Alyssa sat on the edge of her bed defeated. Sam put his jacket on and grabbed his keys off her dresser.

"Don't go." She said quietly.

"I can't be in this house right now."

"Please." She whispered.

"See you soon." He said softly.

He walked out of her bedroom and she drew her knees to her chest. Little streams ran over her face. Alyssa knew Amanda was downstairs cleaning the mess the fight had caused. She needed to be with someone. She sauntered down the stairs. She wanted some fresh air so she stepped out on the enormous porch. Sam was standing outside under the protection of it. The end of his cigarette burned brightly against the night. He parted his lips and a puff of smoke flowed out his mouth. The sound of the door creaking made him realize someone was there.

"You'll catch a cold." He put the cigarette back between his lips and took a drag.

"Stay. I'm lonely."

"You're a big girl, babe."

"Please. You always talk about wanting to be there for me. So be there for me."

Sam put his cigarette out and walked over to her. He stroked her hair and gazed at her. "Just come home with me."

"I…" She didn't get to finish her sentence. Her eyes rolled back onto her head and she fainted. Sam caught her before she hit the ground. He scooped her up into his arms carrying her back into the house in alarm.

"Amanda! Something's wrong with Alyssa!"

Amanda dashed into the room. "What is it?"

"I don't know. She just passed out."

"It's just the stress. Lay her down somewhere. She'll wake up."

He carried her up to her bedroom and laid her on the mattress softly. He ran his fingers over her cheek. She opened her eyes. "What happened?"

"You fainted."

"Oh." She paused, afraid to ask the next question. "Are you leaving now?"

He kissed her forehead. "No."

She rested her hand on his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her, lying on his side and pulling her into his embrace. Alyssa pressed her lips against his. He buried his hands in her hair, moving his lips over hers in a tender kiss. She pulled away and rested her head in the hollow of his neck. "Thank you."

They fell asleep.

Alyssa's eyes opened slowly, the light hurting her eyes. She expected the beating of Sam's heart under her cheek, but as she became more awake she realized the only thing her head was on was her pillow. Her arms outstretched on the mattress hoping to touch him. Her vision adjusted and she found that Sam was not there. A frown pulled at her lips. She sat up and looked around.

Maybe it had all been a dream. But the sheets smelled like him, the scent of cigarettes and spicy honey. He had probably waited until she fell asleep and then left.

Alyssa swung her legs out over the edge of the bed and held her head in her hands. Her head spun. She wondered if she had hurt her head when her dad pushed her.

The house was eerily quiet. Amanda was seating at the kitchen table with a distant look in her eyes. Alyssa pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down. She touched Amanda's hand comfortingly.

Her citrine eyes met Alyssa's. She smiled weakly.

"You okay?" Alyssa asked.

Amanda shook her head.

"Are you gonna leave Richard?"

"I don't know." She answered numbly.

Alyssa walked to her and wrapped her arms around the woman. She felt her tremble, tears rolling down her cheek that Alyssa couldn't see.

"I was so stupid to think that things would work out. That this perfect life would last." Her voice cracked.

"No you weren't. We all hope we get our fairytale endings." Alyssa whispered.

Alyssa pulled out of the embrace and wiped Amanda's tears away. "No matter happens you'll always have me. I'll always be your friend."

Amanda smiled. "Best friends forever." She said the way a teenage girl would.

The front door opened and Amanda looked at Alyssa in alarm. He couldn't have gotten out of jail this fast. Alyssa turned her head fully expecting to see her father walk in and create chaos. Her heart leapt into her throat when she saw it only Sam. Her eyes lit up.

"You stayed."

His eyes locked with hers, his lips curling in a warm grin. "Yeah."

"I thought you left."

"I was outside."

"You're not allowed to go anywhere without me."

"Possessive much?"

Amanda interrupted the conversation. "She has a right to be, especially with someone as special as you."

The color rose into Sam's cheeks. "I'm not really all that great."

"Of course you are. Trust me I would know. You know after Richard."

'Anyone looks good next to him."

"No, but you're a decent, good person. I can see it in your eyes and the way you treat her."

"That's flattering. But you don't know me. If you did you'd know that Alyssa deserves a lot better than me."

"Sam, you stood up for the two of us. That was very brave of you. You did something for someone else even though it put you in danger. Just because a person has taken the wrong path, done some bad things in their lives doesn't taint them forever. It doesn't make you bad or less deserving of things than others."

He cast his eyes down shamefully. "Thanks."

She smiled. "You're welcome. Now go you two. I know you want to be alone together."

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Alyssa looked down at Sam's face, flushed in the afterglow, his eyes half lidded and filled with a sated desire. His chest expanded under her palms in frenzied breath in harmony with her own rapid breathing. She brushed a few stray wet curls that were plastered to his forehead away. He lifted his arms out from under the foamy bathwater and ran his hand over face, over her lips. She unwrapped her legs from around his waist, straddling him and pressed herself to him so that he was right against the tub and lowered her lips to his. He sighed into her mouth. If he wasn't so exhausted he would make love to her again. Instead he just enjoyed kissing her.

Amanda had Chinese food delivered to the house for lunch. The three of them ate like they had been starved. Midway Alyssa stopped eating, half a plate of noodles still on her plate. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead in her palm, her hair creating a curtain around her face.

Sam noticed. 'Are you okay?"

"I feel like I'm drunk."

'And you would know the way that feels how?" Sam asked with sarcasm.

"Sam, I've gotten shitfaced before, as hard as it is to believe."

"You didn't steal some Whisky last night?"

She shot him a glare. "Seriously, I would appreciate a little more concern. I feel like the world is at a continuous spin right now. It's not okay."

"You're just really tired. Go back to bed." Sam said.

"I think I have a concussion."

"The ER doctors didn't say anything about it. I think you have to sleep it off."

"You don't sleep off concussions. If you go to sleep after you have one you die."

Sam smirked. "Then why are you still alive?"

"Shut up. Fine I'll go lay down. I'll spend the last few moments I have with you freaking sleeping."

His lips curled into an ear to ear smile and he laughed. "You're cute when you're annoyed."

She twirled some noodles around her fork and chucked it at him. One noodle hung from his hair, one was stuck to his shirt, some were half down his collar. He picked up his plate and stood up, turning it upside down over her head, fried rice and soy sauce raining down on her. She screamed. Sam laughed hysterically. She cleared some sauce from her eyes and lunged for him. She tried to wrestle him. He grabbed her wrists. She frowned petulantly. "Jerk."

"You have a noodle in your hair." He smiled and picked it out of the silky strands.

She smiled back.

'Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah."

He kissed her. Amanda rolled her eyes and began picking up their mess. "That's right. You guys have all the fun and I do all the work."

For the first time Amanda felt happy, truly happy. She didn't have the love of her life. But watching the two teenagers before her so in love, so carelessly blissful even after their world came crashing down the night before gave her faith in the world. Not everything went wrong. Some went right.

For the rest of the day they dismissed the upheaval from the day before. Some say ignorance is bliss. And for that day it was.


	27. Make It Through It All

Part II

Chapter Twenty-five

Make it Through It All

_And I don't wanna fall to pieces  
I just want to sit and stare at you  
I don't want to talk about it  
And I don't want a conversation  
I just want to cry in front of you  
I don't want to talk about it  
Cuz I'm in Love With you_

_Fall to Pieces-Avril Lavigne_

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The overgrown grass tickled Alyssa's arms and back as she lay on it. The sun warmed her bones. She felt something scratching the skin of her right inner arm. She opened her eyes and turned her head on its side, her eyes settling on the boy lying next to her and drawing on her arm.

'Sam… what are you doing?" She asked with amusement.

He let go of her arm and she looked at the pen marks, a girl with butterfly wings who had her face. Obscurely between the patterns on her wings were the letters A&S. She smiled. "Now I can never wash my arm."

He laughed. "That's gross. Just take a picture."

"I should get a tattoo of it."

"Please don't. Your mom is going to think I influenced you."

"Sam, you already have. I can't go a day without saying the F word at least once."

"I've taught you well."

She sat up feeling the warm summer breeze passing over her skin and stirring her hair away from her face. "You make anywhere feel like home." She said softly. "Even my dad's house."

"I can't believe you're mine."

She was up on her feet suddenly, her skirt twirling around her as she spun. Sam wrapped her in his arms. She giggled, pushing him away and running. "Catch me if you can!"

"You're such a child!" He yelled.

"Get over it!"

She disappeared behind some hedges. Sam ran towards the tall shrubbery. He was on the other side, but he didn't see her. His eyes scanned the area. He felt something crash into him from behind and he cursed.

"Boo!" Alyssa said giggling.

"You scared the shit out of me."

"Thank you."

"Cute. Now it's my turn." He tickled her mercilessly.

She shut her eyes and screamed. His hands were at her waist and he pressed his lips against hers while she was unaware. She stroked his face. When he pulled away, her eyes were closed like she had been kissed for the first time. They fluttered open and she looked into his blue-green depths.

Alyssa wound her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. He kissed the crown of her head and rested his cheek upon it, her silky hair against his skin. He became blind and deaf to the world around him. All he could feel was the beat of her heart through the fabric of his shirt. The warmth and innocence, the love a person felt when they were young; it came back to him and that moment.

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It came. Inevitably. He had to leave. She didn't cry this time. She watched his every move, burning the memory of him into her mind. It would last her for the next week. He was wearing a maroon t-shirt and black pants. He looked handsome, but then again Sam could never look bad.

It was funny. If she had done things different, if she had changed one action maybe she wouldn't be here today watching him leave. Maybe she'd be missing Josh instead. But no. She missed Sam when she with Josh too. They didn't have to be in love. She would miss him anyway. Because he was half of her no matter what the circumstance. It was like being hungry, a physical need. She _needed_ to be around him.

He kissed her forehead, a silent farewell. His lips rested there for an eternity.

Alyssa couldn't feel him anymore. He was gathering the last of his things. She hopped off the bed and whipped him around so he was facing her. She stood on her toes, still too short for him, but just tall enough for her mouth to crash onto his desperately. His hands were at the small of her back as she leaned into him, melding her body to his. She kissed him aggressively, fisting some hair on the back of his head. And suddenly her feet moved backwards as they fell onto the mattress. His lips moved over hers passionately and he curled his fingers around hers. He pulled away and looked down into her eyes. She touched his face, memorizing the way his skin felt underneath her fingertips. When he sat up she hugged him. He whispered into her ear. "See you soon."

She followed him downstairs and watched him walk down the porch. It happened in slow motion. Her mood affecting the way she saw things. When his station wagon started backing up down the driveway her eyes grew hot. When it finally pulled out of the property she sat down and let the tears spill over the rim of her lashes.

Why was she being so temperamental? She'd see him in a few days.

Alyssa had grown up teaching herself to be strong. Up until last year she still slept with her teddy bears and listened to boy bands. But she had always been strong on the inside. A girl without a father had to be.

Alyssa had never cried as much as she had in these past few weeks. But maybe that was because she didn't have anything meaningful to hold on to before.

Amanda took the place of her high school friends who were nothing more than a bunch of feigned smiles and fake words. Amanda was the closest friend she ever had. Alyssa worried for her. She needed to leave Richard. It would be terrible to lose her as a friend. But by the warmth she had shown Alyssa the first day they met, Alyssa knew Amanda loved to live, to be alive. And she couldn't stand it if that was taken away from Amanda. Because more than anything, more than designer clothes and nice houses this woman deserved to live.

Alyssa's lightheadedness didn't go away with the passing of days. In fact it seemed to get worse. Smells bothered her. At odd moments she felt the urge to empty the contents of her stomach in whatever receptacle was the closest. Maybe she'd caught something at the hospital.

It got to a point where she was afraid to eat. She had bent over too many trash cans and toilet seats, dry heaving.

It was on the last morning at her father's house that understood why. She opened the circular tray of pills and realized that the pill for the 15th of May, the day of prom, still sat in its little spot. And that her sugar pills were almost all gone. She was supposed to get her period a week ago. It was strange that the smallest things could have the biggest impact on a person's life.

Alyssa's hand went over her mouth, stifling the sobs that bubbled over. Amanda called her for breakfast. When Alyssa didn't answer Amanda opened her door.

The young girl was crying quietly, her face ruddy. Amanda walked over to her. "What's wrong sweets?"

No words were spoken. Amanda was struck silent as Alyssa dropped the opened plastic tray into her palm. She drew the distraught girl into her arms and felt the skin over her collarbone become wet where Alyssa's head was buried.

"What do I do?"

She rubbed the girl's back consolingly. "Don't do anything. Don't do a thing."

"He's going to break up with me as soon as he finds out." She said in a rasp of a voice.

"He loves you Alyssa. He won't leave you."

"He's a 17 year old BOY. He doesn't even know what love is. I don't even know what it is. He'll never look at me again."

"That's not true. You said he wanted to marry you. Well now you have a reason."

In a perfect world the idea of marrying her knight, her prince would have sounded wonderful. But in the world where she lived she knew it couldn't possibly be because they would be doing it for all the wrong reasons. And she and Sam knew all too well what happened when a man and a woman got married for all the wrong reasons. The fear in her head was clear. They'd end up like their parents, destroying some poor kid's childhood with endless fights.

When the initial panic subsided and her fear was dull around the edges Alyssa dialed his number. He sounded happy and she wanted to kill herself for ruining it. She heard the squeals and shouts of his little brothers in the background, Sam's laugh, and his subsequent warnings.

"Ryan, get off Adam! You'll crush him." There was a pause. "Sorry, what's up?"

"I don't know how to say this so I'm just gonna say it. I'm late."

Sam answered like a typical male would. "For what?"

"For my cycle."

The silence was deafening. It was good no one in the backyard was watching Sam at that moment. Because if they were they'd see the color drain out of his face. He fell back into the lawn chair behind him breathlessly. "I…I thought you were on something."

"There was so much to do before prom that I must've forgotten to take the pill."

His voice was soft when he finally spoke. "This is my fault. I should've used a condom."

"No, this is because of me. God how could I be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid."

Her throat felt swollen and her eyes were shiny with unshed tears. "Are you gonna leave me?"

"Why would I leave you?"

"Because I just ruined your life."

His voice was comforting. It eased the dread in her. "You could never ruin my life."

""What should I do?"

"Nothing. Stay put. I'm coming to get you. We'll go to the pharmace where you can take a test. Then we'll go home."

"Sam…"

"What?"

"Thank you."

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Alyssa stood in the sometime later, her eyes fixed to the scene outside the window. The driveway was empty but she waited. Her suitcases were on the ground next to her. Amanda kissed her cheek and hugged her.

"I'll visit you, Mandi I promise."

Amanda smiled. "I know you will. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. Thanks for being such a good friend."

Amanda squeezed Alyssa and then let the girl pull out of the embrace. Alyssa's eyes were glued to the driveway again. When his station wagon finally pulled in to the long driveway her breath was stuck in her chest. Her heart begged to break out of the jail that was her ribcage. It hammered.

She rushed outside, running faster than she ever had in her entire life. He barely got out of the car before she crashed into him. He wrapped his arms around her, his hands running up and down her back consolingly. She felt his lips rest on the top of her head. "I'm scared." She said quietly.

Sam whispered. "Don't be."

And for that brief moment those two words, spoken by a lost boy who was found again, those two words made her feel safe again. Even if everything was going wrong. Because no poison apple or evil spell could ever hurt her if he was there with her. All it meant was that he was going to have to rescue her. And he already had.


	28. The Beautiful Things Love Can Give Us

Part II

Chapter Twenty-six

The Beautiful Things Love Can Give Us

_Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones_

_Turn into something beautiful_

_Do you know? For you I bleed myself dry_

_For you I bleed myself dry_

_Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones_

_Turn into something beautiful_

_Do you know? You know I love you so_

_You know I love you so_

"_Yellow"-Coldplay_

Alyssa wished she could turn back time. Maybe this was a really bad dream, a nightmare she would wake up from.

The nausea told her otherwise. It was real. She closed her eyes, the lines on the pavement dashing by making her queasy. She kept praying the constant urge to vomit was just a symptom of a stomach flu. Even though she knew it wasn't. That it was a sign of something much less temporary and much more life changing.

Just a few days ago Alyssa was carefree. She was free-spirited and reckless. She screamed when the situation begged for it to be quiet. She laughed when nothing was funny. It was true that she was locked up in a house with a father she never knew. A father she never loved. But like a child she had been resilient. She survived. It wouldn't last forever. She would be back at home with Sam. She had been content despite it all. There wasn't anything in the world that could bring her down. But now...

Her head was turned to the window watching the blue of the sky broken up with buildings and palm trees. She couldn't show him her face streaked with tears. He couldn't know how frightened she was. God, she was so scared.

There was traffic and the car slowed to a stop. Alyssa felt his hand brush her cheek. Her face turned to face his wordlessly. His thumb passed over her lips. "I'm not mad at you." He said softly.

"Even if it's true? Even if I'm pregnant?"

He smiled. "Is that really something to be mad about?"

"Yes."

He covered her mouth with his and her anxiety vanished. He pulled away, his forehead pressed to hers looking into her eyes tenderly. Then he resumed driving, her hand in his the entire time. She closed her eyes letting the world melt away, focusing on the feeling of her hand dwarfed inside his. When her eyes fluttered open the car was in a parking lot. The panic returned instantly.

They walked the aisles and finally found what they were looking for. Alyssa was assaulted with many different brands and she hesitated. "Which one?" She asked.

"I wouldn't know the first thing about this stuff." He smiled, his humor still intact.

She took First response and bought it. Then she asked where the bathroom was. The sales clerk looked at them with slightest pity. They were impossibly young. They had no idea what they were in for. But she was surprised that Alyssa wasn't alone. Most teenage fathers disappeared upon hearing the news.

Sam paced around, music from at least 40 years ago playing over the drug store intercom. It was worse than elevator music. At least that turned into an annoying hum that could be tuned out.

The doorknob turned and Alyssa stepped outside. She lifted the white stick into view and showed him the little display box in its center. There was a plus sign. She looked like she was going to fall apart.

"It's positive." She said through her tears.

He drew her into his arms silently stroking her hair. "It's okay, love."

Alyssa shook in his arm like a leaf in the wind and he felt his shirt dampen where rivers flowed from her pretty blue eyes. "Hey, don't do that. This is a good thing."

Her tears seemed to flow from a bottomless ocean. He cupped her face and turned it up so their eyes locked. "I know you didn't want kids…ever. But maybe this is a blessing in disguise."

"Sam….we're not even LEGAL yet. Once my mom finds out she is going to DISOWN me. And we are not fit to be parents. I'm a little girl, you rub it in my face all the time. And let's face it you are not in the best shape emotionally to be a father."

Sam felt the slightest bit of hurt at her words. He tried to suppress the frown that was tugging at his lips. "I know I'm not perfect, Alyssa. But no is. This…baby is only gonna want our love. It doesn't take a perfect person to love their child."

She averted her gaze and sighed. "God help me." she looked back at him. "I love you, but you're not ready. You're a recovering drug addict. A junkie is not the first person a girl wants to be knocked up by."

His hands slipped away from her and he looked at her with a crestfallen expression, a sort of stunned sadness.

There were many things that had broken Sam's heart. His parents' divorce, his mother's refusal to admit that Peter hated him, the years when he and Alyssa weren't friends, his father's death. But this one by far wounded him the most.

When he spoke Alyssa could hear an angry edge to his voice.

"I'm sure you'd rather it'd be Josh's. He's so fucking perfect! Who wants to be tied down to a loser like me?"

He walked past her swiftly, knocking some magazines from their shelves.

Alyssa instantly felt a pang of remorse. She ran after him. "Wait! I didn't mean it." She placed her hand over his shoulder. He jerked away from her touch like he had been burned.

"Don't FUCKING touch me!" he hissed.

She trailed behind him as he stormed out of the store. Her heart felt like it was going to drop out of her. He slammed the car door as he got in. She sat inside and looked over at him distraughtly.

He didn't look at her.

The entire ride home it was quiet. When he pulled into her driveway he was still, his eyes distant. She got out of the car slowly and walked around to the trunk, keying the lock. It popped open and she bent over to get her suitcases. She felt his shoulder brush hers softly as he made his way around her. He took the suitcases, one in each hand.

"I can take it from here." She said.

He still sounded broken. ""It's not good for you to be lifting heavy things…if you decide to keep it."

_If you decide to keep it. _

She walked through the threshold of the front door.

He climbed the stairs and put them in her bedroom. He avoided her gaze at all costs. The door shut behind him without a sound. Somehow Alyssa made it to her bedroom. She didn't really know how because she could hardly remember it. Everything was a haze. She could barely feel her mattress under her.

Her eyes settled on a piece of lined paper with messy writing. She started reading it.

"Hey love, I can't wait until you come back to me. You know at first when you told me you might be pregnant I was scared. But now I'm so happy. I'm happy that we can share something this special together. It's amazing the things love can give us. I've been thinking about what we should name her or him. I'm sorry. This is probably freaking you out. I know we're young, but in a month I'll be 18. And I can get a job. Please don't be sad. You sounded so sad over the phone. I love you."

Alyssa buried her face in her pillow and wept. She should have been so relieved that he was going to stay with her. Most guys in this situation would run in the opposite direction. She'd seen it happen at her high school. But he wanted to stay and raise their child. He loved her.

He had been so excited. When the test was positive she saw it in his eyes. He was absolutely blissful. She destroyed it. Happiness was such a hard thing to come by for Sam. And she had shattered it without a thought.

He would probably make an amazing dad. She saw the way Adam blindly looked up to him with the sweetest admiration. Sam was the little boy's world. There was no doubt in the world that he wouldn't make a wonderful father.

The tears flowed until sleep enveloped her in its embrace. That night Alyssa dreamed Sam killed himself. He pointed a pistol to his temple and pulled the trigger. She opened her mouth to scream but in many nightmares screams were muted. She couldn't scream. She flew upright in bed, her chest heaving.

Sleep came in waves. She would be awake for an hour and then not. Dawn illuminated her room. She eased her shirt up and touched her tummy hesitantly, her palm settling over it. She wondered how long it would be before she could feel it move inside her.

She wondered if it would look like him, have his beautiful blue-green eyes or his sweet smile.

Alyssa always believed he left pieces of his soul in hers. Now he was really part of her.

She found the key to his house in her drawer and called a taxi. She turned the alarm at his house off before it could sound.

Alyssa opened his bedroom door. He was sleeping. Completely peaceful. He looked like he was fine, like nothing had happened the day before. Then she saw the bandages on his forearm soaked with blood. She got into bed and melded her body to his, stroking his face, the dark tufts of his hair. She lay a hand on the gauze on his arm and feathered kisses over his eyelids, his nose,…his lips. She felt him sigh against her and drape his arm over her waist. He parted her lips with his and kissed her softly and slowly.

She felt his hot breath on her face as he broke the kiss and was met with his gaze. His eyes were so warm. 'What are you doing here?" He whispered.

"I wanted to tell you I'm sorry. It was a mean thing to say."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it."

'So you forgive me?"

"Yes."

"Yes?" She asked in surprise.

He smiled.

"I'm just hormonal, you know? I guess people are right about the moody thing."

"You don't have to explain yourself. You were scared. It's okay."

"I saw your letter. That was so sweet, Sam. I was wrong. You're going to make a wonderful father."

His lips curled into an adorable smile. "Really?"

"Of course. You're gonna be so much better at it than me."

He buried his head in the hollow of her neck. He kissed her throat and she almost burst with love when his palm rested in between the flare of her hips over her navel.

He brought his hand up to her face and stroked her cheek. She grasped his arm where the bandaging was. "How did this happen?"

His eyes were somber again. "I was helping my mom in the kitchen, wasn't watching what I was doing."

"That's not true. You hurt yourself…because of me."

"I forgave you remember?"

"I'll never forgive myself."

"It's in the past."

"How are we going to tell our parents?" Alyssa asked.

He smiled sheepishly. "I was hoping we could avoid that whole thing."

"Not for long. I'm gonna start showing soon."

"Your mom is going to be furious. She's going to murder as soon as she find out. And Peter, he'll bring me back to life and then kill me again."

"What about your mom?" Alyssa asked.

"I think she'll be disappointed more than anything. But she's kind. It took me a while to realize that. She won't be angry."

He tucked her silky hair behind her ear. "Whatever happens we'll get through it. We always have."

Sometime later Alyssa lay under his sheets completely bare. His body was molded to hers, legs entwined. She could feel the rise and fall of his breathing against her back and his lips pressed against the back of her head. His fingers traced an imaginary line over her arm. Then he draped his arm over her, his hand grazing the jutting bone of her hip and finally resting over her belly where he caressed her tenderly. Her heart fluttered in her chest. She smiled. "Sam…" she whispered.

"Mmmhh, what?" he yawned.

"You're beautiful and I love you." She said softly.

"No one can be more beautiful than the woman who has my baby inside her."

Alyssa giggled and shifted in his arms, turning over so she was facing him. He gazed at her through half lidded eyes. She ran her hand through his thick hair. "God, I didn't realize how sweet you could be."

"What because I listen to heavy metal and wear black?"

She brushed her nose against his. "That has something to do with it."

He whispered against her lips. "It has everything to do with it." He kissed her gently.

She pulled him on top of her. He laughed against her mouth. They tumbled off the edge of the bed. Sam landed on the ground with a thud, Alyssa on top of him in a tangle of sheets. They both laughed.

Alyssa and Sam sat up leaning against the bed. "Are you feeling up to breakfast?"

"Yes actually. I'm starving!"

Sam smiled. "That's expected."

"Yeah." She breathed.

There was a knock at the door. "Saaam!" Adam called.

"Shit!' Sam yelled.

He heard Alyssa's hybrid of giggles and screams. She stood up, pulling his linens with her and leaving him completely naked.

"Alyssa!" he shouted.

She laughed like a little girl and hid inside his closet. He ran around the room and threw on his clothes hurriedly. Adam opened the door.

"Hi." Sam smiled, his face flushed.

"Mom's not up yet so I'm gonna ask you. Can I have ice cream cake for breakfast?"

Usually he wouldn't have relented. But he just wanted to get rid of the little boy. "Yes."

"Really?" He said in disbelief.

"Yes, really." Sam said with slight agitation.

Alyssa's giggles escaped from the closet.

"What was that?" Adam asked curiously.

"I..uh…left my radio on."

'Oh. Well I'm gonna go have ice cream cake."

"You go do that." Sam forced a smile.

"By the way your shirt is on backwards." He skipped away happily and Sam rolled his eyes at his own appearance.

Sam sighed in relief. Alyssa made her way out of hiding.

"You little shit…"

She laughed hysterically, her eyes completely closed and her cheeks turning red.

"You're lucky you're knocked up. Otherwise I'd kill you."

"Oh spare me please, kind sir."

'Never!"

She couldn't really run with the sheets around her. He caught up to her and scooped her up in his arms growling.

"The monster has you in its clutches."

She threw her head back and screamed. He spun her wildly, laughing as he did so. Finally he slowed and she kissed him. He set her back down on the ground and pulled her to him. She laid her head on his chest. He rested his chin on top of her head, closing his eyes, not seeing, just _feeling _her.

A year ago he wouldn't have predicted he'd be here with her in his arms, completely his. Not in a million years. And now she loved him as much as he loved her. And she needed him. And she wanted to be with him forever. And she was having his baby.

She raised her head and kissed the gap between his collarbones. He felt immense joy. Everything was finally perfect in his life. His dreams of her over the years; they were no longer just dreams. For the first time in his life he truly had what he wanted. For so long there were things Sam was missing in his life. Things he didn't have, like love and family. And now he had them. And he was completely happy . . ._ at last._


	29. Family

**A/N: Rated M. I'm predictable, lmao.**

Part II

Chapter Twenty-seven

Family

The sun came out from behind the clouds and shined on the warm summer morning. After breakfast Sam and Alyssa lay on the sunbathing chair in the backyard. Alyssa watched seagulls circle the area and sipped her chocolate milk. She set it down and lay back, Sam's body against her back. His arms were draped around her lazily, his hands on top of each other over her belly.

"Do you think girls at school will think I'm a slut?" Alyssa asked.

"Why do you care? They're stupid, brainless wastes of space. In a year you'll never see them again." He answered.

"Still…I don't want those looks that teen mom's get, you know?"

"Alyssa, you've been with what three guys in high school? And you didn't sleep with two of them. As opposed to the girls in your classes who screw a different guy each week."

"It doesn't matter if you've only been with one guy. You have a kid in high school and you're automatically a dirty whore."

He kissed her head and rubbed her tummy. "You're not a whore. And since when is something this special dirty? I love you and I wanna be with you. We made a baby out of our love. Not a one night stand."

"People aren't going to understand that, Sam. I'm going to get nasty looks."

"I'll gouge their eyes out."

Alyssa laughed. She was pensive for a moment. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

"It doesn't make a difference to me. It's ours. That's all that matters."

She smiled. "God, you're so sweet."

Sam looked down at her contentedly. He inhaled the flowery scent of her. She enjoyed his lips against her hair. Then she shut her eyes and grimaced. She made a miserable little sound.

'What is it?"

"I feel sick." She said weakly.

"Do you want me to walk you to the bathroom?"

She shook her head. "I can go myself." She put her hand to her mouth and rushed into the house.

Sam wasn't far behind. He held her hair as she threw up. After she heaved a few times she finally stopped. "God, I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones."

"I'm sorry." Sam apologized remorsefully.

She leaned back into his embrace. He ran his hand up and down her arm."Better?"

"No." she whined.

"You want a glass of water?"

"No. I can't keep anything down."

"You can go lie down in my room until it wears off."

He made sure she made it up to his bedroom fine. She tucked herself under the sheets and closed her eyes. "Aren't you gonna join me?" She whispered.

"I'm going to have breakfast with my mom and the boys."

"Don't go."

"I'll be back in like ten minutes."

She buried her face in the pillow and mewled. He laughed and shut the door.

Alyssa was falling into a comfortable sleep when she felt him spoon his body to hers. She made a contended sound and rolled over, twining her legs around his waist and pressing her lips against his gently. He whispered against her lips. 'Again?"

She pressed her hips into his and brushed her mouth across his. He kissed her back deeply. He unzipped his pants and she a satisfied sound, straddling him. His palms were on her thighs as he began to up thrust inside her. She threw her head back and whimpered, rocking her hips in rhythm with his. He turned his head to the side, his profile in beautiful contrast to the pillow. His eyes were closed and he smiled overcome with pleasure. He sat up, brushing his nose against hers, locking eyes with her as their bodies moved in unity. She kissed him, laughing softly at the moan she coaxed out of him. Sam's hands sprawled out over her back. She pulled away and bit her lips, burying her hands in his thick hair as a cry bubbled from her lips. She felt him wrap his arms around her tightly, his mouth resting over the hollow of her neck. She laid her head atop his, her hair hanging over him. He rocked his hips into her a few more times before she could feel his lips part over her skin in a strained moan. He raised his head and looked at her with half lidded eyes as he emptied himself inside her. She sighed and grinned wickedly as he closed his eyes and lay back down on the bed. She covered his body with her own. He stroked her hair as he recovered his breathing slowing. She kissed his forehead, his nose, his lips and he groaned. She loved how peaceful he looked. She traced his damp brow. When he didn't respond she knew he had fallen asleep. She tucked her head under his chin and breathed in the musky scent of him, the warmth of his body sending her into sleep.

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Alyssa wrapped a towel around herself, watching Sam mess with his hair. He ran his hands through it before he was satisfied.

"Got to make it extra spiky, huh?" Alyssa teased.

He gave her an irritated look and smirked. "Real cute."

"Oh don't forget that piece over there or else you'll lose your bad ass card."

He rolled his eyes and slipped his pyramid studded arm bands on.

He was wearing a black t-shirt with his ratty sleeveless Metallica band shirt over it and cargo pants. Alyssa eyed the skull clad in a Santa hat on the front of his shirt. "You don't think that'll scare Adam?"

'Don't insult my shirt. It's…festive."

She exploded into laughter. "Okay, sorry I insulted your cool."

He threw her hairbrush at her. "Shut up!"

She ran out of the bathroom and into his room.

When he finally emerged she danced in front of him, wearing a Manson shirt of his. She head banged wildly. "I'm Sam. And I'm a bad, bad boy. Raaaawr." She continued to thrash around, playing air guitar like a fool.

Sam raised an eyebrow. "Aren't pregnant woman supposed to relax?"

"What…you want me to sit in a rocking chair and knit? You've influenced me, Sam. I've become a bad, naughty girl."

He smiled. "You're retarded." He scooped her up in his arms and she squealed in protest.

"Put me down. You know I was teasing you."

He grinned. "It doesn't matter. You're going to hurt yourself."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh you are just so considerate." She said in a cheesy tone.

He carried her down the stairs and his family was already seated.

Robin crossed her arms. "It's nice of you to finally join us."

"I'm sorry, mom. I was just trying to find a straitjacket for her. She's possessed."

Ryan sat up excitedly. "You mean like in the Exorcism?"

His eyes flashed to his mother. "You let him watch that movie?'

"No. Thanks to you he knows how to use the DVD player. He borrowed it from a friend and watched it at 2 in the morning."

"Was this by any chance the same friend who gave you the talk?" Sam asked sardonically.

Ryan was embarrassed in front of his parents. His head sunk. "Maybe."

Sam smiled and set Alyssa down.

Alyssa plowed through the scrambled eggs and sausage patties. Everyone laughed at her. She looked at them. "What?" She asked with a full mouth.

Sam chuckled. "Nothing, babe."

She continued to stuff her face.

Sam reveled in the laughter echoing around the dining table. It was nice to finally have a happy family moment.


	30. Pleasure and Pain

Part II

Chapter Twenty-eight

Pleasure and Pain

A painting of a woman on her back floating in a pool of water sat on an easel in Amber's studio. It was her own rendition of Ophelia from Hamlet. The only difference was that in this painting her lover was not Hamlet, but a modern man, her lover and he lay in the water beside her. Both of them were dead.

Amber had never been suicidal. But some days she wished she could be with her husband, wherever he was.

She still remembered the last day she ever spent with him. They were in the kitchen. A perfectly forgettable moment. Most people forgot what they had for breakfast later in the day. But she remembered everything with clarity.

It was a sunny day. The table cloth was pink and white and in a checkered design with pictures of fruit in a rectangular pattern. She had Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Ben, her husband had a muffin. He was wearing a powder blue dress shirt with a red tie and navy pants. Even at 43 he was handsome, lacking the beer gut that many men his age had. His hair was a chocolate brown peppery gray near his temples. It was three inches long and hung in loose waves that he tucked behind his ears. His eyes were a violet blue, almost a lavender. She remembered she stared at him lovingly. He kissed her and said good-bye. He had work that day at the university.

Ben Ross was ten years older than Amber which was what attracted her to him in the first place. Men her own age could be so immature. She was an artist and he was an intellectual. They had many philosophical conversations. And eventually they fell in love and married.

But their marriage wasn't without its troubles. Ben didn't want children until later on. And Amber wanted them right away. But she loved him, so she would wait until he was ready.

His heart condition was what killed him on the morning of May 6th, 1998. After her breakfast she walked outside for some fresh air and noticed that his car was still in the driveway. That was odd.

When she saw his body slumped over the steering wheel she knew why he hadn't left. She opened the door in panic and shook him. He never woke up.

The memory was as crisp in her mind as if it were just happening. Happening at this very moment.

When Sam told her his father died of Cancer she knew his pain. She felt it as if it were her own. It opened up the sewn seams in her heart from the wounds she had mended. She wouldn't wish that sort of fate on her worst enemies. But more than anything she would never ever wish it on Sam. He was like her son and she loved him. And she couldn't bear to see those she loved in pain.

Sam was troubled as it was. He had never lived a life of pure peace. A life free from turmoil. And finally things had started going right. The image of his smile when he told her that his father was making up for all the things he had done wrong flashed in her mind. And she could still hear the telephone call telling her that he and Alyssa were going out. She was especially proud of Sam for finally pursuing the girl he had loved for so long.

Happiness was a fickle thing. She knew that. But Sam was the last person to deserve what happened to him. That was life though. The purest of souls were often the ones who suffered the most.

On a warm morning last year in July her telephone rang. When she answered there was a pause and she almost hung up in annoyance.

And then he spoke. "Amber?"

"Sam?"

"I…I need someone to talk to." He said in a raspy voice like he had been crying…a lot.

"What is it, pumpkin?" The static on the other side of the line was what she heard for a moment.

"My dad died."

The world had come off its hinges. It had been thrown off its axis. And it was plunging towards a fiery end. Her heart broke into a million pieces for him. "I'm so sorry, Sam." She paused. "When?"

"Yesterday around noon." He said in a fatigued voice.

"Oh Sam. I'm sorry. Do you want me to come over honey?"

"If you want." He said faintly.

His house was so quiet. George's death hung everywhere. It clung to everyone's bones. No one spoke. There was nothing to say.

Sam was outside. He was dressed in mostly black. His spiky hair ruffled in the wind. He was looking at the ocean. She placed a hand on his shoulder. A puff of smoke blew away in the wind and he turned his head to look down at her. His face was expressionless, void of any emotion.

He placed his palm over her hand and smiled weakly at her. Then he turned his face back to the sea and continued to smoke his cigarette. She walked in front of him, taking the Marlboro menthol from between his fingers. He was too tired to argue. She ran her hand through his hair, ruffling the blue on top. He moved his head away.

She looked into his eyes, which were focused on the sea. 'Sam, you called me for a reason. Let me help you."

His gaze slowly moved back to her. "I don't want to talk. It just makes me remember. I don't want to remember."

"Holding your feelings inside doesn't make things better, Sam. You should know that."

"What does it matter? It won't change what's happened."

She thought for a moment, remembering the period after her husband died. "You know after Ben died I felt the same way. You try to numb yourself. But that can only work for so long. It's like lighting a match to gasoline. Eventually it burst into flames. It consumes you."

"There are ways to stop that." He said coldly.

She frowned. "Your father wouldn't want that, Sam. He cleaned you up. I think he'd be disappointed if you relapsed."

His eyes were like ice. 'Do you know how hard it is not to reach for some Vicodin right now?"

"Just talk to me. It'll help you make sense of what happened."

He kicked one of the plastic chairs by the pool. It flew across the ground and into the pool. "I don't wanna make sense of what happened. It doesn't make sense!"

Amber was hesitant. She walked up and wrapped her arms around him. She felt his face on her shoulder. The fabric of her shirt became soaked in that one spot.

His breaths were sharp, little involuntary gasps. She felt him tremble.

"I'm here, sweetie."

"I think God hates me."

"No." She said softly.

"If he didn't, he wouldn't do this to me."

"You don't deserve your father dying. But that's life."

"It fucks you, doesn't it?"

She laughed softly. "That's a crude way to put it, but yes."

He looked down at her. "I don't understand why I couldn't have this one thing."

Sam deserved to have his father in his life after so long without him there. But people rarely got what they deserved. There had to be a reason. Maybe he was being prepared for something bigger than himself. Maybe it would make him a better person.

Maybe sometimes bad things happened to force something good.

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Finally her painting was done. Amber wiped her paint covered hands with a rag. Then she washed them with soap and water and a little paint thinner. Oil paint was reluctant. It never wanted to come off anything. The entire bathroom smelled of oil and thinner and she had to admit it was a disgusting combination. But such is the life of an artist.

She walked out of the bathroom and the phone rang. She picked it up.

"Amber!"

She laughed. "Hi, Sam. Long time no see. How's everything?"

"I need your advice on something."

'Well shoot."

"I'd rather tell you in person. It's not exactly something I can talk about over the phone."

"Is something wrong?"

"Yes and no.' he answered with the slightest anxiety.

'Alright, I'll see you soon."

A half an hour her doorbell rang. She answered. He had neither a smile on his face or a frown. He seemed nervous.

"Come in, lovey."

He sat down on her couch awkwardly.

'So what do you need advice on?"

He kneaded his forehead. 'Alyssa."

"Is there a problem between you two?"

"Not exactly."

"Then what is it?"

He sighed. "I knocked her up."

"Oh…well that it is a slight issue."

He looked up at her dryly. "Yeah, you think?"

She smiled. "Are you scared?"

'A little. I have no money to my name. I mean Peter's fucking loaded, but personally I'm broke. I can't really support a kid. But I'm excited too. I've loved this girl since I was six. Now we have something to bond us closer together."

"I'm jealous. I'm getting older and older every day. I have no children. But you, you're not even out of high school and you beat me to it." She smirked.

"Sorry."

"Well then, what did you want me to help you with?"

"How do I go about telling my mom and Peter?"

"Well…soften the blow a little. Tell them the bright side of things. Tell them sometime when they won't have complete aneurysms."

He smiled. "Real helpful, Amber."

"I don't know! I wasn't in this situation when I was in high school. I didn't have to awkwardly tell my parents I was having a child!"

"So I say I don't tell them."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh you'll have to tell them. Otherwise Alyssa is going to show up at your door one day the size of a cow and then they will kill you without a doubt."

He laughed. "Thanks. You were a big help."

"You're welcome. Now get out of my house before I hit you with jealousy."

He put a hand on her shoulder. "You need a guy to have a kid, biologically speaking. And you won't get one. I say find a guy, get him to fall in love with you, marry you and then your problem is solved."

'Oh yeah, because I guy will totally go for that. Hi, I'm Amber, I think you're hot, can you please knock me up? I've been dying to have babies."

He burst out in hysterical laughter. "I wouldn't be that blunt about it."

"So I should lie to the poor man?"

"I wouldn't call that a lie. Just an omission of the truth."

"Real cute, Sam. I find your willingness to lie troubling."

"Honesty is not always the best policy."

"Get out."

He smiled. "Okay. Bye."

Sam drove back to his house. He saw Alyssa standing at the end of the driveway. She was smiling. He got out and strolled towards her. "You didn't tell them did you?"

"No. I'm leaving that up to you."

"Good. I mean no, bad. This is gonna be so uncomfortable."

"I'll come with you." She said.

He sighed. 'Now or never, I guess."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "I'll give you something to help your nerves."

He smiled.

She stood on the tip of her toes and kissed him. He cupped her face in his hands and laughed softly into the kiss.

She took his hand and they walked inside. Robin was preparing some popcorn for Ryan and Adam. It was movie night and they were watching Titan A.E. The scene displayed on the TV was one of the film's main character on a sort of outer space equipped motorcycle. Adam was yelling in excitement.

Sam grinned and ruffled the little boy's hair lovingly.

Adam turned around the couch. "Sam!"

"Hey little man."

He climbed up the couch and leaped into Sam's un-expecting arms.

"Whoa."

Adam giggled.

Sam looked into the little boy's eyes. "You're getting heavy."

"I take my Flintstone's vitamins." Adam said proudly.

Sam looked at Alyssa and they laughed. He returned his focus to Adam. "Me and Alyssa have to talk to mom. I'll be back to play games later, okay?"

Adam nodded. Sam set him down on the couch. Robin was filling plastic bowls with popcorn.

"Hey mom." Sam said nervously.

She faced her son and crossed her arms. "Well from the way you two are staring at me I'm assuming you have something to tell me."

"Yeah." Alyssa said.

"What, are you moving in together? Getting married?"

Sam laughed nervously. "Um no. But it would be logical to get married after what we've done."

Her face was serious. "And just what did you do?"

"Can you promise not to kill me?" Sam asked.

"I'll try." Robin answered.

Sam looked at Alyssa and then back at his mother. "Um. I uh…I don't know how to tell you this."

Robin raised an eyebrow. "Out with it."

"Well, when two people really love each other they express that love and…"

"Sam, are you giving me the talk? In case you haven't noticed the parent is supposed to tell their son or daughter about sex. Not the other way around."

The anxiety was killing him and he blurted it out. "Alyssa's pregnant."

She narrowed her eyes. "What?"

"It was an accident."

"How could you be so irresponsible?" She yelled.

"She was on birth control. We were being responsible."

"Then why are you in this situation?"

"She forgot to take it one day. Mom, please be more understanding."

"God, I thought I was finished with your dilemmas. It never ends."

"I know. I'm sorry. But I mean in reality, it's a good thing. You're gonna be a grandma!"

She started pacing. "This is…I don't what to say. Oh god, Peter is going to be livid."

"I'll get a job. We'll get a place of our own. You won't have to deal with us. Don't worry, mom."

"You make it sound so easy, Sam. Do you know how hard it is to be a parent? You never sleep. You never have quiet. You never have a break."

"I know. It's okay. I've accepted that."

She sighed. "I'm going to watch the movie with the boys. Do whatever you want." She took her bowls and walked to the living room.

Sam looked at Alyssa and smiled. "That went well." He said sarcastically.

"Hey, at least she didn't kill you." Alyssa said.

"True. One down one to go."

"I still have to tell my mom."

"Oh joy." He said with mock enthusiasm.

"Let's go back to the living room."

'What so my mom can have a stroke?" Sam asked sarcastically.

"No!" She giggled. "Adam wanted to spend some time with you."

"I guess that's okay. She said to do whatever we want."

"Yeah. And you'll get some more practice being around kids."

He smiled. "Oh trust me, I've had enough practice. Nine years of it. Nine annoying years."

"I guess I should be thankful I was an only child." She said.

"I was kidding…sort of. Ryan is a little brat. But Adam is sweet."

"Even when he keeps you up at night to read him bedtime stories?" She grinned.

"Hey, I got to spend time with you."

They sauntered back into the living room. Adam was watching the movie. Sam walked up behind the couch slowly and tapped the boy's shoulder lightly. He turned around wide eyed. Sam put a finger to his lips, warning him not to make any noise and then he motioned for Adam to follow him.

Adam whispered in Sam's ear. "Can we play with the nerf guns?"

"Sure."

"Can Alyssa play too?"

"No. She's not feeling well." He looked over at her to play along.

"Yeah, I have the flu. I can watch."

She sat on a lawn chair.

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Alyssa's giggles ripped through the air as Sam and Adam ran around the backyard with nerf guns in their hands, shooting foam and plastic bullets at each other. Adam unleashed a whole round on Sam. Which was a terrible idea.

Sam dropped his gun and ran full speed ahead for Adam. Adam ran out of ammunition and Sam picked him up. "Got ya."

He kicked and flailed. "Foul! Foul! You can't touch opponents!"

Sam held on to the little boy tightly and then he jumped into the pool. Adam screamed before they hit the water. Adam's arms were wrapped around Sam's neck.

"Ten point penalty. I win." He said in his adorable little voice.

"No you don't." Sam ruffled the boy's hair.

Alyssa smiled. The view was too cute. Sam swum them back to the shallow end of the pool and Adam ran out. He shook his hair like a dog, the water splashing everywhere. Alyssa shielded herself with her hands.

"Adam! Watch it." She laughed.

"Go inside and dry off." Sam told Adam.

Alyssa walked over to him. "Wet is a good look for you."

"I know. I look like a wet rat."

"No! Seriously. You look cute."

He grinned playfully. "Is that what got you to let me kiss you in the shower a year ago?"

She wrapped her arms around his waist and looked into his eyes. "Maybe."

He trailed his fingers up her back. 'Well, I guess I'm gonna have to drench myself anytime I want something from you."

She laughed. "You and Adam looked adorable. You're good with kids."

"That's reassuring. One less thing to worry about. Out of the thousand things we're stressed out for."

"Oh we'll be fine."

"Yeah. We will." He pressed her to him snugly.

"You got me all wet.' She whined.

His face was centimeters away from her and his breath was hot against her lips. "Yeah I did." He said seductively and she smiled at the innuendo. He cupped her face and captured her lips in a deep kiss. She buried her fingers in his hair. The sun sunk behind the palm trees and its light receded over the Laguna hills. Nothing could break the couple down. They were strong and fearless in their love. They kissed the day away.


	31. You'll Be In My Heart

Part II

Chapter Twenty-nine

You'll Be In My Heart

The days became warmer, the sun brighter in the sky. If someone had looked at this sky a year ago nothing would be different. The water would sparkle under the light of day like diamonds, like quicksilver. The sound of the same freight ships blowing their horns in the harbor would wake the residents. Nothing had changed, except for the people.

July managed to creep its way into everyone's lives. It had been an entire year since George had died. An entire fucking year.

One minute Sam was handing his father a beam. One moment he was sitting across from George at the picnic table, with Ryan, Adam, Alyssa, and his mother at his side. And the next he was sitting in his mother's SUV reading his father's will. He blinked and it had been a year.

There was a hole in the world where George should have been… where he was missing.

Sam sat on the bench on Alyssa's porch. The sun flashed into his eyes and for just an instant he could see his mother and father dance under the skeletal beams of the unfinished house. He could almost hear the smoky voice of Joni Mitchell weaving in and out of the air. He could almost hear their laughter.

Sam wished with every bone in his body that he could go back to that moment and freeze it in time instead of walking away. He wished that he had watched them for a longer time. Watched them until stars spotted the sky.

He hadn't known that that was all he had, those beautiful little moments. They were all that was left of George. _God_, he wished he had known.

Maybe then he could have cherished every second he spent with his father. Every moment could have been special. Every single moment.

Sam loved his father, but he was still angry at him for that one thing.

How could George have lied? Why did he wait until death was at his doorstep to tell Sam he had Cancer? Until it was too late.

Maybe it was so his death wouldn't mar the time they spent together. Rationally that made sense. But it still didn't make it right.

Sam cursed at his father for ignoring his symptoms. Maybe if he had paid attention he could have gotten treatment. Maybe he would still be here. Maybe he would smile at Sam and Alyssa's news…or yell at Sam for being so stupid.

Eventually, though, he would smile. He would love his grandchild as much as he had loved Sam.

Sam could almost see his father's lips curl in that impish way. He could almost see his gray eyes light up. Sam closed his eyes. He couldn't breathe. It hurt too much. Little streams made their way from underneath his lashes.

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder and he opened his eyes, startled. Alyssa smiled down at him. "You ready?"

He paused for a moment and wiped the tears off his face, looking at the horizon. "Yeah." He whispered.

He drove some fifteen minutes and a tree speckled park like area came into view. Except that it wasn't a park. The closer you got to it, to the cast-iron gates, the more you could see that it wasn't just a grassy field, but a cemetery spotted with gravestones.

He took her hand and they walked along a few paths until they finally reached their destination. The grass around his headstone didn't look so wounded anymore. It blended in seamlessly with the rest. Like the earth had never been dug and a man had never been buried there.

Alyssa sat down on the ground first followed by an unsure Sam. He didn't know where to begin. But he spoke.

"I can't believe it's been a year since you've been gone." He stopped his voice cracking. "God, sometimes it feels like I'm dreaming. Some mornings I get up and I think you're still here. And then I remember." His throat tightened and he started to cry silently. He buried his head in his hands, his palms becoming wet.

Alyssa rubbed his back comfortingly. He took her in his arms and sobbed into the hollow of her neck. She kissed his hair. "It's okay." She whispered. "Just cry. Let it out." He cried until his breaths expanded harshly in his chest, until he was tired.

When he was silent Alyssa cupped his face in her hands and kissed his cheek, his brow, his forehead. "Tell him." She said softly.

He kissed her mouth for the shortest of moments and then faced the slab of stone again. The faintest smile appeared on his face. "I came here to tell you something." He laughed nervously. "Since last year me and Alyssa have been going out. You probably would've guessed that."

He grinned from ear to ear. "Alyssa's having my baby."

"I don't know if that's something to celebrate, since I haven't even graduated from high school. I know you'd be proud, though."

"You're gonna be a grandpa! Can you believe that?" The rollercoaster of Sam's emotions reeled him back into sadness. "I just wish I could tell you face to face. I wish you could show your grandkid that hilarious sense of humor you have. I wish you could tell me what to do because I have absolutely no idea."

_George's face as he sat on the beams of the roof of his house with Sam flashed into Sam's mind like an afterimage. He laughed at Sam's lack of skill. A few times he managed to hammer his own fingers. George almost bent over in laughter. Sam punched him in the shoulder. "Shut the fuck up."_

The memory made him laugh. He was calm as it faded away. "I love you, dad."

The wind blew and subtly Sam could hear the faint whisper of a man gone from the earth. "I love you too."

Sam closed his eyes and turned his face to the sky. The breeze ruffled his hair. "Don't leave." He said softly. "Don't leave me."

"I love you, Sam."

"Don't leave." Sam said…begged hoarsely. The wind died down again. He opened his eyes and stood up. "See you later."

He couldn't say good-bye. That only made it true. That only made George all the more gone. He wasn't gone. Sam refused to admit it. His would be back with his playful smile. It would all be a dream. Sam would wake up in the tiny garage and find his father drilling some nails into the beams.

He knew deep down that wouldn't happen. But he would never say good-bye. Because Sam knew, maybe in eighty years when he himself closed his eyes as an old man and died in his sleep that George would be there again. That they would both be there, building that house by the sea. That house that George had always wanted. And they could finally live in it…in peace. On the edge of the earth.

It was one of the few things that stopped the pain from eating Sam away. It was one of the few things that allowed him to live. To be happy. George might not be here right now. But that didn't mean that he was gone forever.

That night when Sam painted, it wasn't a picture of himself or Alyssa, but a portrait of a man with steel eyes and curly gray hair. That devilish smile was on his face.

People don't live forever. Eventually they die. They disappear. But pictures, they are immortal. Memories stay with you as long as you live. So those that leave your life don't really die. They live in your memories. They stay with you in your mind, in your dreams,…in your heart.

No matter what happened in Sam's life, George would always be with him. All he needed to do was close his eyes and his father would be there.

Death couldn't take away memories. It couldn't take away the things they shared. George would always be his father. And Sam would always be George's son.


	32. The Sweetest Thing

**A/N: Um is anybody even reading this at all? No comments or reviews in a while. I know people are busy. But I'd like to know if there are things I need to improve. I like feedback. Otherwise there's no point in writing.**

Part II

Chapter Twenty-nine

The Sweetest Thing

_Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window  
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divides the thorns from the roses  
It's you and the roses_

_Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow  
Heal me from all this sorrow  
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes  
Now I'm living in your afterglow_

_Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divides the thorns from the roses  
It's you who is closest_

_-INXS-Afterglow_

Most of the time the reality of Alyssa's situation didn't really hit her. Besides the occasional cravings nothing seemed different. Her body had hardly changed. Only when she wore tight fitting shirts could she tell that her stomach was slightly rounder.

She didn't really think about the fact that in the next seven months her life would change drastically.

She was reading a book when it happened. When she was reminded that life was very different. The ocean breeze passed over her skin and the summer sun warmed her. Alyssa turned the page of her book and before her eyes could settle on the lines on the top of the next page she felt something flutter in her belly. She was breathless for a moment and then her hands went to her tummy. She laughed in surprise as the stirring came and went in waves. Tears poured down her face. It was the strangest, most beautiful sensation in the world.

Alyssa went inside and picked her cell phone off her dresser. It rang a few times and she heard his voice.

"What's up, love?"

She sniffled.

He sounded concerned. "Are you okay?"

"Never better. I just wanted to tell you something."

"If nothing's wrong…why are you crying?"

"Because I'm happy." She said softly. "Something just happened. And it made me happy. And I wanted to tell you."

"What happened?"

"I felt it move. I was reading and your baby just started moving around in me."

She could almost see him smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's…wonderful."

"Is it moving now?" he asked.

She tried to focus on something besides his voice. And there the flutter was again, almost as if his voice willed it to move. "Yes." She said tenderly. "Oh, Sam. I love you."

"Why? I've done you more harm than good."

"Everything you've ever done for me has been good. You loved me, you helped me with my dad. You saved Amanda and me." She paused. "You gave me the most amazing gift in the world."

"I'd call it more of a burden."

"No. Don't listen to what I said in the beginning. I was scared. It's the sweetest thing anyone has ever given me."

"You know, a few months ago you would never have thought that. The thought of a future with me scared the crap out of you." There was a silence. "After you found out…that look on your face. I was sure you were going to get an abortion."

"No." She said quietly. "I would never do that. Even if I hated you…even if I didn't want the baby. I'd never punish an innocent child."

"Do you really want this? Or are you making the best of a bad situation?"

"It's not a bad situation. It's a miracle. I was stupid and selfish not to feel that way in the beginning. I'll never be able to thank you enough. For the next few months a part of you will always be with me. Even if _you're _not."

Alyssa closed her eyes, speaking in a barely audible voice. "Is it possible…that I could be more in love with you now than I was before?"

His voice sounded sweet, like he was affected. "I don't know."

"I do. I love you so much more. And that's crazy because I didn't think I could be more in love with you than I was. I mean I loved you so much I thought I'd burst. And yet I do."

"You really love me…that much?" he asked softly.

"More than I can explain. The universe isn't big enough to fit my love for you in."

He laughed. "That's the cheesiest thing I've ever heard."

"I know." She sighed. "But it's true."

He was silent for a moment. "I love you too." His voice was faint. "I've loved you from the moment we met."

She smiled. "A bit later for me. I just thought of you as a friend for a while."

"That hurts." He joked.

"I think the first time I realized I liked you a little more than that was that day you came over my house after one of your visitations with your dad. I remember you came up to my room." She smiled. "I noticed how cute you were getting. Most boys look so goofy when they start going through puberty. But you…you were beautiful."

"I think there's something wrong with your eyes, Alyssa."

"I think there's something wrong with your brain." She quipped.

"Touché."

"Anyway. As I was saying. We were watching Jurassic Park. Your freaking suggestion." She laughed.

_She could remember it clear as day. Sam was slightly tense. He always was after he had visitations with his dad. He asked if he could stay over for a while. Alyssa said yes and said they could watch a movie. Sam started going through her case of movies. Of course there were some random videos there. One was Jurassic Park. He pulled it out and raised it into view, a completely impish smile on his face._

"_No." Alyssa said. "There is no way."_

"_What would you suggest? Cinderella? Freaking Bambi? Alyssa you're 11 years old. Time to grow up."_

"_Shut up! You're in my house!"_

"_It doesn't matter. The issue is settled. Jurassic Park."_

_She hopped onto her bed and crossed her arms in exasperation. He hopped onto her bed too. Anyone would have found that completely inappropriate. But they had been best friends since they were tiny. She punched him in the arm. _

"_Jerk."_

_At one point of the film one of the main characters, a young girl was in a kitchen hiding from a ferocious carnivorous dinosaur. She stumbled into something and the Velociraptor who was following her heard her. Alyssa screamed and grabbed onto Sam's arm. He was startled and looked over at her with a goofy grin on his face. "Hi."_

_She looked back at him. His smile was so infectious she found herself smiling back. He had one the cutest smiles she had ever seen. She couldn't believe she had never noticed it before. _

_Later when Alyssa walked with him back downstairs she remembered her foot getting caught on the carpet. He was in front of her in an instant, breaking her fall. She crashed into him. When he steadied both of them, she realized her hands were on his chest and his were at her hips. Not intentionally. But nevertheless her body couldn't tell the difference. She tingled at the contact. She looked into his eyes with a wide eyed stare. His eyes were locked with hers in a spellbound gaze. His hands went to cup her face. She caught them, stopping him from doing so. Instead she wrapped her arms around him, tucking her head under his chin. She felt his lips at the crown of her head and his fingers running through her hair. _

_Alyssa had never felt that way. But she knew enough from watching cutesy romantic movies to know that what she was feeling for Sam at that moment was far from friendship. He'd hugged her before. But something in the way they were holding each other , in the way that his head rested atop hers and in the way every line of his body fit against every line of her own…seemed more intimate. _

_She couldn't move. It felt too good in his embrace. She heard him speak softly. _

"_Alyssa."_

_She nestled her face in his shirt. "What?"_

"_Alyssa…I."_

_Her mother opening the door kept him from finishing his sentence. He bolted away from her like he'd been burned. _

Alyssa knew now that he probably wanted to tell her he loved her. But it was probably better that he hadn't. She didn't really know how she would've reacted. She could've hurt his feelings by not saying it back.

"You should've said something."

"What?" She asked.

"You should have told me that you felt that way."

She laughed. "I didn't know what I was feeling, Sam. I had never felt that way…toward a boy before."

"Well good your mom saved me from being a complete ass and admitting that I absolutely adored you."

She smiled. "You should come over."

"Your mom would be okay with that?" he asked warily.

She patted her stomach. "It's not like you can knock me up again."

He chuckled. "True."

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Alyssa watched as the sun glittered over the ocean. Seagulls settled on the rocks that spotted the beach. She heard the engine of a car die down. Her eyes were on the boy walking toward her. He wrapped his arms around her.

"I missed you." She whispered.

"You saw me yesterday."

"I know. I've been feeling extra sensitive."

He stroked her face. "Well I'm here now."

They laced their fingers together and walked up to her bedroom. She reclined along Sam on her bed.

"Do you wanna feel it?" She asked elatedly.

"Yeah." He answered in captivation. He placed his hands over her belly. When he felt nothing, he spoke in disappointment. "I don't think he or she likes me."

"No. That's not true. You just have to wait for a minute." She covered his hands with hers. She heard his breathing hitch as the fluttering bloomed under his touch.

"It's beautiful." He said affectionately.

"Yes." She giggled.

"What is it?"

"It's doing somersaults inside me. I think the baby knows you're its father. It…loves you."

He laughed. "I can't wait to meet you." He whispered.

She shifted in his arms and pressed her lips against his. He brushed his lips across hers lightly before he deepened the kiss. After a few languid moments she pulled her mouth from his and rested her head on his chest. "I'm so happy, Sam."

He smiled. "Me too."

"Just imagine…soon we'll have our white picket fenced house by the sea and our little one running around."

"No one else. I wouldn't want that with anyone but you." He said softly.

"I love you."

He ran his fingers over the soft skin of her arm. "I love you too."

When he closed his eyes he saw Alyssa standing near the window of a house by the ocean. She looked at him tenderly and rocked the tiny child in her arms. He walked over and placed his hand over the little head. The image made him warm and he fell into a light half sleep.


	33. Don't Leave Me

Part II

Chapter Thirty

Don't Leave Me

A majestic house sat on copper colored rock, facing a molten gold sea. The entire world was still around it except for the crashing of the waves against the cliffs. The sun reflected off the immense windows, lighting the hollow inside.

Sam didn't know why he was there. Just that he was. He walked towards it, some invisible magnetism pulling him to it unconsciously. He turned the knob of the door and it opened easily.

At first the light was blinding. He raised his hand in front of his face, protecting his eyes. And then it dimmed slowly. The house was empty. The way it looked the day of George's funeral when Sam mourned in it alone.

And then the contents of that cramped little garage appeared. Two twin sized beds, the makeshift kitchen and about a hundred other things crammed together. Sam tilted his head in bemusement. And like evanescent fog after a rainy night George appeared. He sat at the edge of his bed, his head hanging. It looked like he was waiting for something. Sam walked forward slowly. At the sound of his footsteps on the wood George raised his head. A warm smile blossomed on his face. "Hi." He motioned for Sam to come over.

Sam sat on his bed, facing George the way he used to do so often when they had late night conversations. Sam couldn't move his mouth to speak. His lips were heavy like he'd had a stroke. Finally he mustered the strength. "What are you doing here?"

George smirked. "It's my house."

"No, I mean what are you doing here? You're dead."

"Small detail."

Sam snorted sarcastically.

"I just want you to know that I've been listening to you."

Sam stared in perplexity.

"Those nights when you talk to me. When you visit me at the cemetery. I hear you. You don't know how much I want to say something back."

Sam felt his eyes grow hot and he looked away. "Why are you here, dad?"

"I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you. How happy I am that you're as far away from how I was at your age. All that I did…it was for this. For your happiness."

"I'm not completely happy." He told George distantly.

"I know. And I'm sorry. If I hadn't made so many mistakes maybe I'd still be with you. I'm sorry my stupidity robbed you of me."

"I forgive you. It wasn't your fault."

George smiled. "You're so different. So at peace with yourself. I wish I had that when I was young."

"It didn't come without sacrifice." Sam said referring to his father's death.

"No, it doesn't. But you know what the great thing is, though? When one door closes another one opens. You're getting the chance to fix all the mistakes I ever made, be a better father than me."

Sam smiled without meaning to. "Yeah."

"It's not an easy thing to do. But I know you're more than capable. And I know you'll be great."

Sam blushed. "I don't know about great. I'll do my best."

"Congratulations. I'm very happy for you."

Sam didn't understand why, but at that point his eyes glazed over and little teardrops spilled out from his eyes. His vision blurred. He buried his face in his hands. The image of his father struck him too strongly. He felt George's arms wrap around him, hands patting his back. The gray curls brushed his cheek and he smelled the cool scented aftershave George wore.

"Remember, I'll always be with you. Every wonderful thing that happens, I'll be there smiling with you. And when you need help I'll listen."

"I miss you, dad." Sam said in a raspy voice.

He cradled his son's head in his hands. "I miss you too." He whispered.

Sam opened his eyes and the air in front of him was empty. He was alone. He stared into nothingness, his eyes so glassy with tears that the objects before him were just blobs of color. They all blended into a white void and he heard a faint voice call out his name.

When he opened his eyes, the golden light of dawn lit her features as she bent over him. She stroked his cheek, wiping his tears as she did so.

"Sam, why are you crying?" She asked her face twisted in concern.

He gazed up at her wordlessly.

"What's wrong?"

He rose and buried his face in the mess of her hair.

She ran her hands down his back comfortingly. "Tell me."

"I dreamed about my dad."

Alyssa played with the wisps of hair at the nape of his neck. "I'm sorry." She cupped his face and lifted it so their eyes were level. "I'm here for you." Then she feathered kisses over his face. She laid her palm over his heart and he covered her hand with his, running his thumb over her knuckles.

Alyssa smiled softly and brought her face closer to his, brushing her lips over his. His lips responded to her in a slow, lazy kiss. His palm, fingers spread out rested over her tummy and he laughed into the kiss as he felt stirring there. She dug her fingers into his hair and kissed him more insistently.

He pulled away, his forehead pressed against hers and looked at her with a sleepy blue-green gaze. "I love you." He whispered.

She smiled sweetly.

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The breeze made Alyssa's floral skirt billow around her. The sand of the beach sifted between her toes. She stepped into the water gingerly, cautious at first. Sam's voice calling out to her broke through all her inhibitions.

She ran into the waves freely and yelped when his arms closed around her from behind. The ocean floor disappeared beneath them and she panicked, her arms and legs flailing in a frantic dance. He tightened his hold on her. "Don't worry. I've got you."

She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck.

He smiled down at her. "Don't be afraid."

"I…I'm not." She lied unconvincingly.

"Do you know how to swim?"

She looked up into his eyes, which matched the sky perfectly. "Of course I know how to swim. I live in California for Christ's sake."

He smirked. "You're lying."

"Actually I'm not. Here I'll prove it to you." She loosened herself from him.

He stopped her, holding her to him firmly. "No you won't."

"Sam!"

"Do you forget what condition you're in?"

"You make it sound like I'm deathly ill. I'm just gonna swim out a little farther."

"Don't put yourself and the baby in danger just because you wanna prove a point." He paused and his lips curled. "Besides, I think it's cute that you can't swim."

She rolled her eyes. "If you don't want me to prove a point you shouldn't have brought me out here in the first place. I mean who's to say I'm safe in your arms? What if a rogue wave or tsunami hit us?"

Sam laughed. "It won't." He pulled her legs around his waist. "Just don't let go of me and you'll be fine."

She frowned at him petulantly. "Sometimes I hate you."

He stroked her face and smiled softly. "Sometimes I hate me too."

Her gaze softened. "You shouldn't. You're perfect."

He covered her mouth with his. She sighed against his lips, melting in his arms. Her heart beat furiously in her chest and her nerves were livewires, tingling at the slightest touch of his hands. She yearned for his physical closeness. She wanted the unity of two becoming one. It seemed like it had been so long since they'd been intimate. Lately he had been careful with her, afraid he'd break her. She was suddenly so fragile to him.

She didn't like that. Not that he'd ever been rough with her in bed. But now he was afraid to do anything beside kiss her.

She teased up his shirt and ran her hand over the trail of fuzz that disappeared into his boxers. He moaned and ran his hand up her thigh. She arched into him and he kissed her more urgently. She laughed into his mouth in satisfaction. Then she pulled away. His eyes were half lidded and his lips parted.

"I want to ask you something." She whispered seductively.

"What?" he asked huskily.

"Make love to me."

He traced her collarbone. "That's not a question."

"Give me an answer."

"No."

She laughed. "I'm finding it hard to believe you're human. Aren't you dying of an eternal hard on?"

His lips curled upward slightly. "There are ways to fix that."

She giggled. "It's not the same."

"I want to, Alyssa. Believe me. I just don't think it's a good idea right now."

"I'm not even that far along. It's okay for us to have sex."

"I don't wanna hurt you."

She ran her fingers over his lips. "You never hurt me when we do it. What makes you think you'll hurt me now?"

"Now is different. You're…vulnerable."

She sighed. "God…so I'm just gonna have to ache for you for six months."

"If that keeps you in good health, then yes."

She frowned at him. He smiled down at her and stroked her face. Oblivious to everything around them they didn't notice the wave coming toward them. It crashed into them and both cried out.

He held on to her tightly and when the water washed out of her eyes she looked at him, soaking wet.

He smiled, his hair a sloppy wet mess. "It's okay."

She boxed him on the side of the head. "No, it's not. I'm a mess."

"We're swimming. What did you think? That you'd come out all dry and neat?"

"Shut up."

He gazed at her playfully. "You shut up." He kissed her.

An undercurrent sent them sideways. Alyssa pulled away. "Okay, that is it." She broke free of his embrace and started swimming back to shore.

"Oh no you don't." He called out to her.

"If you want me so bad, come and get me!"

"You're gonna wish you could take that back."

"No I'm not!" Alyssa continued to swim away, the ocean floor under her feet. She treaded to shore. He wasn't far behind. The sand stuck to her wet feet as she ran, slowing her down. But she ran until her breaths came in gasps. Finally she could run no more and she collapsed onto the sand.

The laugh was quickly erased from Sam's face. His eyes widened in alarm. "Alyssa!" he ran over to her. He was relieved to find that she was conscious and breathing.

'Sam, I'm fine. I'm just a little winded, that's all. Relax." She sat up and brushed the sand from her hair and clothes.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought you here. It's just that you've been complaining of being bored."

"It's fine."

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Alyssa screamed as Sam carried her up to the bathroom at breakneck speed. He opened the shower door violently and they both tumbled in clumsily. Alyssa giggled as the stream of water from the showerhead rained onto their clothed bodies.

"I think you missed a step." Alyssa yelled.

"Yeah?" he responded sarcastically. He took off his shirt hastily. And then his pants until he was wearing only his plaid boxers.

"Why don't you undress me too?" She giggled.

"Don't mind if I do." He smiled. He unbuttoned her white cotton shirt and then pulled her skirt down until it pooled around her ankles. When his hands brushed over the expanse of her back her giggling quieted. She pressed herself to him and he unhooked the clasp of her bra. She flashed him a naughty grin and began to tease his boxers down. His lips grazed her ear and his fingers ran over the waistband of her panties. When they were both completed bare he pinned her to the tile wall and hitched her leg over his hip.

She threw her head back and grinned. "Yes."

He kissed her throat. "Are you sure?" he mouthed against her skin.

"Just love me."

He captured her lips with his. The silhouettes of their entwined bodies rocked behind the frosted glass of the shower door, their cries of passion muted by the sound of running water.

Some hours later they lay between tangled sheets. Alyssa ran her hands along Sam's back, soothing his harried breathing. When he fell into a heavy sleep she watched him rest. God he was so beautiful when he slept. She traced his brow, the seam of his eyelids where thick lashes brushed against her fingertips. Then she felt the smoothness of his full lips under her touch. She stroked his hair, kissing his forehead. When she pulled away his face was twisted into an agonized expression. He trembled slightly and made a stifled sound of distress. He was having a bad dream…_again_.

She feathered kisses over his face. "Sam." She said softly.

Tears spilled out from underneath his lashes.

She stroked his face. "Sam."

He broke out into a sob. She pecked his lips a few times. "Sam."

He opened his eyes and pulled her to him tightly, crying into her neck.

'Sam, what's wrong? What happened?"

He quivered, running his hands up and down her back, breathing in the scent of her.

"Tell me what's wrong, love."

"I…we were back at your dad's house. He…he killed you."

"Shhhh." She stroked his hair. "No, I'm okay. Because of you. You didn't let him hurt me."

He calmed, but remained tangled in her embrace. "Oh, Alyssa. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"I'm not going anywhere."

He ran his fingers through her silky hair. "I love you."

She pulled away and locked eyes with him. "I love you too." She traced the outlines of his face. "I know people have disappointed you in the past. But I'll always be here."

He hugged her. "Thank you."

And she wouldn't leave him. Ever. The world didn't exist without him. She had never realized that before he came back into her life she was colorblind. The world was just varying shades of gray. When she started falling for him, it was as if the sky hadn't ever been blue before. Everything brightened. Different hues playing out before her. The one most important color, though, was the sea foam green of his eyes. Not quite blue, but not completely green either. She'd get so lost in those beautiful depths. And when those gorgeous eyes were filled with pain, she wanted nothing more than to take it away. She'd always be there for him. Always.


	34. This Innocence Is Brilliant

Part II

Chapter Thirty-one

This Innocence Is Brilliant

Peter had made himself clear. Get a job or get out of my house. The man made enough money to support eight people. But he would never use that money to make the life of another man's son easier. Peter wasn't as openly hostile to Sam as he had been. Partly because he couldn't justify it anymore. Sam wasn't the surly little rebel he used to be.

But any conversations they had were marked with awkwardness. And Peter would never spend time with Sam if the rest of the family wasn't there. He didn't need to keep up appearances if no one was looking.

Sam was aware of this. But he dismissed it. By now he was accustomed to the man's disliking towards him. And besides, he had more important things to worry about.

Sam had filled out six different job applications. No one responded except for the local grocery store. They were hiring and they called him in for an interview. Which was why he was standing by the customer service desk waiting for the manager to come and meet him. A little girl of no more than five was standing next to her mom in line to pay. She stomped her feet belligerently. "Chocolate!"

"No. You just had ice cream."

There was a pause and Sam thought the girl gave up. Instead she unleashed a deafening scream. "Chocolate!" The whole store fell silent. At that point the girl had started crying violently.

Sam smiled, not in amusement. But because he wondered if the next few years would be like that. If Alyssa and his moments would be as chaotic. The girl continued to cry and by then Sam wanted to buy the candy bar for her himself just to make her shut up. He put his headphones on and listened to Staind. The second track barely finished playing before he saw a middle aged man walk towards him. He turned off his CD player and put it away in the pocket of his cargo pants. The man smiled.

"Are you Sam?" he asked.

"Yes." He extended his arm and gave the manager a handshake.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Bobby Gray."

They walked to Bobby's office where Sam sat in front of a wooden desk.

"Now I reviewed your application. No felonies. And you don't seem to have any specific demands with scheduling, which is ideal. You don't have any previous job experience, though. But I don't think you really need any. Most people learn pretty easily. And I just want to know how dedicated you'll be to this job."

"Very dedicated. I mean I go to school so that makes the early hours during the week tough. But after that I'll come in whenever you want. And I'll do my best to satisfy the customers."

The man laughed. "Some are NEVER satisfied. You'll figure that out the first time you get a raging psycho."

Sam laughed. "I'm game for anything. Nothing I can't handle."

"We'll see."

"So that means…"

"You got the job."

"Awesome!"

"Let me just get you your schedule."

"Thank you."

"Training starts on the 10th at 3 pm."

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Alyssa hummed to Christina Aguilera's come on over while she painted her toes on her bed. Her initial panic about having a child at such a young age had worn off. She was acting like the seventeen year old that she was, complete unaware of anything outside her own life. She knew that she had to get rid of her teddy bears, though. It would be weird explaining that to her son or daughter when they were able to speak. She bobbed her head as she sang and blew some air over her toes, willing them to dry faster. Her phone rang. She picked it up.

"Hello?"

'Alyssa!"

She giggled. "Someone's excited. What's up?"

"I got the job!"

"Yay!"

"I mean it is minimum wage. I'm not sure we'll be able to get a place of our own so soon."

"I can always get a part time job. I'm sure one of the boutiques in the mall is hiring."

Sam's gleeful tone took on a more serious one. "No."

Alyssa almost raised an eyebrow. "Um…excuse me?"

"You aren't getting a job of any kind."

"Is this the 1800's? I can do whatever I want."

"Alyssa. I don't want to be that controlling boyfriend. But just no."

"Why the hell not? It's not like we don't need the money."

"It's just not good for you to over exert yourself."

Alyssa could've been thankful or even flattered that Sam cared about her so much that he didn't want her to work, but she didn't take orders so well. NO ONE told her what to do.

"Over exert myself? I'm not handicapped, Sam."

"Both of our families are well off, Alyssa. Worse comes to worse , they'll help us out. There's no need for you to get a job. The image of you on your feet constantly is not something I like to think about. You need to be relaxed for the baby."

She sighed tersely. "So I'm supposed to just sit at home all freaking day while you work yourself to exhaustion?"

He laughed. "Yeah."

"There's nothing funny about you being a domineering MALE."

"I'm looking out for you."

"You're treating me like an invalid. I guess I should taking up knitting or something. Be your perfect stay at home domestic housewife."

He burst into hysterical laughter at that statement. "You're adorable when you're angry."

"Whatever, Sam. "

"Hormones taking over again?"

"Don't push your luck. You keep toying with me and I'll show up at your house and kill you."

"Okay, love. I'm sorry."

"You better be sorry."

"I hope you know; you're still not getting a job."

"Fuck you." She said in annoyance.

He hung up on her.

"Real cute, Sam. Freaking asshole." She whispered under her breath.

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Around eight at night Alyssa felt intense cravings. She was glad to be free from nausea. But running to the fridge every few hours made her feel like a whale. She had gone through half a box of cookies, dipping them in nutella and frosting before the doorbell rang. With a mouth exceedingly full she yelled, "WHvat!" It kept ringing and she got up reluctantly. She answered it and Sam was standing on her porch.

"Your neediness just ruined my moment of bliss."

Sam smirked. "I don't give you bliss?"

"Not as much as Keebler chocolate chip cookies." She answered coldly.

"That hurts."

'Yeah. Well go away so I can finish the box, okay?"

Sam laughed. "Having cravings?"

She stuffed a cookie in her mouth. "Oh you have no idea." She mumbled.

He sat down beside her at the kitchen table. "Can I have one?"

She pulled the box towards herself possessively. "No."

"Oh come on. There are twenty cookies in that. Giving one to me won't kill you."

"I'm eating for two! I'm feeding your child! How dare you even think of depriving me of nutrients?"

"Cookies aren't nutritious." He smiled wryly.

"Shut up before I shut you up."

"I'm sorry. I'll just starve."

"That's right. Besides, you're used to it, you skinny boy."

Sam devised a little plan. "Hey, did your mom get chocolate fudge ice cream?" he looked over her shoulder.

'What?" She whipped her head around to look for it. Logically she should thought about the fact that the ice cream wouldn't just be sitting on the counter melting, but in the freezer. Her current obsession with food, however, delayed her mental processes.

By that time Sam had stolen some of her cookies. She looked back at him. He was staring at her a bit too innocently, crumbs still around his mouth.

She furrowed her brows suspiciously.

He smiled, revealing the chocolate chips stuck to his front teeth.

"You fucking jerk!" She got out of her chair and went after him.

'Shit!" He ran for the door. "Shouldn't you be doing something a little less dangerous?"

She crashed into him and he went flying forward, face planting on the ground. She struck him on the side of his head.

He groaned. "I think I broke my face."

"Good.' She said in satisfaction, getting up and walking back to finish eating. She nearly screamed when he got hold of her hand and turned her around.

He smiled devilishly. "You think you're getting off that easily?"

"I let you off easy."

"Really?"

"Of course. I could have totally…" She was halfway through her threat when his lips crashed onto hers.

She pressed her palms against his chest in objection, pulling her mouth away from his. "Oh no, you are not going to make me forget by kissing me."

He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to himself snugly. "I guess I'll have to use more drastic measures." He brushed his lips over her ear and she took a sharp intake of breath. She heard him make a sound of satisfaction, sort of a chuckle at her reaction. His hands ventured underneath her shirt to the soft skin over the small of her back. Then his lips grazed her neck in light as feather kisses. She relaxed in his arms. When his eyes locked with hers again she looked at him in a sleepy gaze. His thumb passed over her lips, teasing them open slightly. She stood on her toes and pressed her lips to his. Clumsily they made it up to her bedroom. Her door locked behind her and they spent the rest of the night loving each other.

By the time Alyssa's digital clock read midnight she was fast asleep in a satisfied rest. Sam inhaled the strawberry scent of her hair and kissed the hollow of her neck. He pulled his body away from hers reluctantly. The silhouette of her bare back in the dark was breathtaking. Sam gazed at her sleeping form for moment. Then he got dressed and slipped out of the house quietly. A little piece of paper sat on her pillow. "To the pretty cookie monster, I love you."

As Sam slept in his own bed that night he dreamed of the sea. On the coastline sat a house. Nothing as majestic as the house his father built, but still beautiful. It was surrounded by a white picket fence and Alyssa stood in the front yard. She was wearing a flowered dress and swinging a child in her arms, laughing happily. He smiled in his sleep. This is what his future would look like. And it made him warm. She was his. Against all expectations, she slept in _his_ arms at night, made love with _him_, and told _him_ she loved him. Some things in the world went right, even for screw-ups like Sam.


	35. You're My Hidden Treasure

Part II

Chapter Thirty-two

You're My Hidden Treasure

The sounds of Dusty Springfield mingled with the late summer air. The sun reflected off a silver ocean and the sea breeze ruffled Alyssa's hair. She sipped some orange juice at the patio table with Robin.

Sam's mother was unexpectedly warm toward Alyssa. She found that odd, considering how annoyed her own mother was at the sight of Sam. Robin, though extended only kindness to Alyssa. She smiled at the girl.

"How are you feeling?" She asked gently.

Alyssa smiled and turned her vision to Robin. "Fine." Then her eyes flashed over to Sam who was playing with Adam, Ryan, and Guster. At the current point, Adam was on Sam's back telling him to giddy-up as if he were a horse.

"Shut up, Adam!" Sam yelled. Guster started nipping at his leg, wanting to be involved in their games. Sam was trying his hardest not to let out a stream of curses.

Alyssa laughed. "How can I not be fine when I've got him?" She was pensive. "He's like a diamond in the rough. You know, at first he seems so…abrasive and untamed. But after a while you realize just how sweet he really is."

Robin's features settled into a wistful expression. "All he needs is love. When he has that, he's perfect. It took me a while to figure that out. How could I have ever expected him to be happy when none of us were, be kind when we hardly showed him any kindness?"

Alyssa looked over at him. "He's a good person."

Robin grinned at Sam's attempts to shake Guster off his leg. He was doing a sort of one legged hopping dance as he tried to get the dog's teeth to loosen from his pant leg. He looked flustered as Adam bounced on his back and shouted in his ear.

"Not so good at multi-tasking, though." Robin added dryly.

Alyssa stared at him amused. He noticed and looked over at her with a completely taken gaze. Guster took the opportunity and jumped up, throwing his weight on the unfortunate young man. Sam yelled a loud "shit" as he stumbled.

"Adam, get off me NOW!"

The boy hopped away and Sam fell backwards. Guster licked his face.

Alyssa laughed hysterically.

Sam sat up, pulling Guster off him and scratching the Retriever behind the ears. "You're sleeping outside tonight."

Alyssa giggled.

Sam rose back up on his feet, shooting a sardonic look their way. "You guys were a big help."

Alyssa grinned. "Hey, I'm in a delicate condition."

He looked over at his mother with raised brows. "And what do you have to say for yourself?"

The corners of her eyes wrinkled in a lighthearted smile. "I was protecting Alyssa."

"Thanks a lot, mom."

Robin's lips curled. "Anytime, Sam."

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The weather was unseasonably cool for early September. But Alyssa was glad. It gave her an excuse to wear jackets. Anything to hide the burgeoning roundness of her belly.

She closed her eyes, letting the music playing in Sam's car relax her. The car pulled up to a doctor's office. She stepped out and waited for Sam to come around. He took her hand in his and smiled at her.

They walked inside.

She flipped through a parenting magazine, laughing at the pictures of babies dressed up in costumes. She showed Sam one dressed like a bumble bee. His lips curled into an ear to ear smile.

"I can't wait until next Halloween. What do you think we should dress ours up as?"

He kissed her cheek. "You're adorable."

She giggled. "A bunny maybe?"

"Anything you want."

She looked at him with a blissful grin.

"Miss Beck?" a nurse called.

She stood up and walked hand in hand with Sam down the hallway. The room was dimly lit.

The technician told her to lie down. "Now, this is gonna feel weird at first. The gel is very cool. It might tickle."

"Alright." She looked over at Sam. He twined his fingers with hers, kissing her knuckles.

The woman pulled Alyssa's shirt up and she giggled at the feeling of the ultrasound equipment sliding over her belly.

Sam ran his fingers through her hair. "You're beautiful."

"You think?" She smiled.

He beamed. "I know."

"Okay. You guys ready?" The technician asked.

They turned their attention to the little monitor by Alyssa's bed.

The woman pointed at little blotches of gray. "You see that? That's the head. And that, that's the nose. And it's hands."

Alyssa smiled as tears made their way from the corners of her eyes. "Perfect."

Sam feathered kisses over her hand and she turned her gaze to him. His eyes were focused lovingly on the screen.

"Do you wanna know the gender?"

Alyssa wiped the tears from her face. "Yes."

The woman smiled. "It's a boy."

Alyssa locked eyes with Sam. He looked down at her affectionately.

"A boy." She whispered. "A mini you."

He chuckled. "I hope not."

"Oh I hope he has your eyes."

He kissed her forehead. "I love you."

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Alyssa was starting to get annoyed by Sam's antics. His hands were over her eyes.

"No peeking."

"Sam! Oh for Christ's sake. Just show me what it is."

She felt something drop onto her lap. He removed his palms from her eyes. She looked down. It was a story book. He had clearly made the illustration on the cover. And the two figures portrayed, a prince and a princess, were clearly Sam himself and Alyssa.

"Oh, Sam." She said just above a whisper. She opened the book.

***On the first page there was a menacing figure, her father she deduced by his flannel shirt and messy hair. He had satanic horns growing out of his head. A little girl was running from him. On the next page, a little six year old prince came and rescued her. She turned the page. In the story some time went by. In the next five years the prince and the princess lived in a castle together. They were happy and safe.

Unfortunately, this was short lived. The prince's step father revealed himself to be an evil sorcerer. One day he gave the prince a poisoned drink. This did not kill the poor boy. Instead it made him very ill. For months the prince wasted away.

But still he tried to be happy for the princess.

He could try no longer when she broke his heart. Despite being happy living with him she decided to leave. Her family and their wealthy companions did not approve of the princess mingling with him. She moved away.

The prince was destroyed by this. As the years passed he grew more and more ill. One day he was so tired of his constant state of sickness that he jumped off a cliff near his castle, hoping he would drown.

As he slowly sunk beneath the sea someone pulled him up. He coughed the sea water out of his lungs and found himself in the arms of the princess he once knew. She promised she would never leave him again.

What the prince's evil stepfather didn't realize was that the spell of the poisonous drink was not without flaws. It would be broken by true love.

And as the days passed the prince and princess fell more and more in love. The prince was healed.

The princess's demonic father however didn't let the couple remain in peace. He kidnapped the princess and chained her in a dungeon. The prince wouldn't let anything stand in his way and saved the princess.

When everything was tranquil again the prince asked for the princess's hand in marriage. They wed and lived happily ever after.***

Alyssa smiled. "It's beautiful." She whispered.

"Maybe one day we can read it to our little boy." He said softly.

She threw her arms around him. "I would love that. Thank you."

Tears sprung from her eyes and she buried her face in his chest. Sam always spoke about how he didn't deserve her. But she knew that she, in fact, was the one who didn't deserve him. She had been right when she had told Robin that he was a diamond in the rough. At first glance everyone dismissed him. But once the layers of sand were brushed off, she could see that he shone with all the warmth and love he held inside. And she was grateful that he had chosen her to be the one to bask in his light.

_One of these days the sky's gunna break  
And everything will escape that I know  
One of these days the mountains are gunna fall  
Into the sea and they'll know_

Cuz you and I were made for this  
I was made to taste your kiss  
We were made to never fall away

Never fall away

One of these days letters are gunna fall  
From the sky, I'm telling your soul  
To go free  
But until that day, I'll find a way  
To let everybody know that you're coming back  
Mmmm you're coming back for me

_One day soon, I'll hold you like the sun  
Holds the moon  
And we will hear these planes overhead  
And we won't have to be scared_

_We won't have to be scared…  
_  
Letters From The Sky-Civil Twilight 


	36. Lovely

Part II

Chapter Thirty-three

Lovely

Alyssa sat on the living room couch in her house. Sam's head was on her lap, his eyes shut peacefully. She ran her hands through his ruffled dark hair. He smiled.

"He's kicking." He said softly.

"I know." She said, beaming.

He kissed the curve of her tummy.

She stroked his face tenderly. "You make me feel so brave, Sam. I should be so scared right now. Our lives are about to be turned upside down. But you make me feel safe."

He sat up, feathering kisses along her neck. She cradled his head on her hands, bringing his face to hers. He kissed her gently, curling his fingers with hers. Then he buried his face in the hollow of her neck, his palms perfectly molded to her belly. She closed her eyes and covered his hands with hers.

The feeling was indescribable.

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It was probably after 11. But Alyssa was still awake. She sat in Sam's kitchen, drinking hot cocoa and reading a book. The house was completely quiet. Everyone else was asleep.

She wanted to see him, though. So she stayed up. When she heard the purr of his car engine outside she put her book down on the table and got up excitedly. His headlights dimmed and she waited for him at the door.

He opened the door and was surprised when she threw herself in his startled arms. "Hi." He said with a smile on his face.

"Hi." She replied.

He pulled out of the hug and wrapped his arms around her waist. His eyes were locked with hers. "Isn't it a little late to be up?"

"No! I always stay up."

He rubbed her belly. "You know what I mean."

"I wanted to see you. I've missed you."

He kissed her cheek. "You have to start taking care of yourself."

She placed her hands on his chest lovingly. "I feel fine." She pecked his lips. "You on the other hand, look like shit."

He laughed softly. "Thanks."

"You shouldn't work so much."

"We need the money. You know Peter doesn't want to help me out."

"But you're exhausted." She looked at his dark circles.

"A few late nights won't kill me." He smiled.

She traced the outline of his face. "It makes me sad."

He smirked. "At this point everything makes you sad."

"I can't help it if my hormones are all out of whack."

"Yeah, I guess that's my fault." He said.

"Totally. If you had kept it in your pants I would not be this emotional and this fat right now."

He laughed. "You wanted to have sex!"

"You could have said no."

"I couldn't possibly deny you of physical pleasure." He mocked her.

She giggled.

"You're not fat by the way." He whispered.

"Not yet."

He kissed her.

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"Do you think…do you wanna get married?" Sam asked hesitantly.

She opened her eyes. "Sam…we're still teenagers."

"Our little boy deserves married parents."

"But it'll be a lie. We'll be married because we have a kid, not because we love each other."

"I love you. You love me."

"Sam, do you honestly think we'll be together the rest of our lives? I mean realistically. You're 17. Who's to say that in five years you won't get tired of me and fall in love with someone else?"

He was silent and she feared she had hurt him again. He spoke softly. "I'll always love you, Alyssa."

"Love isn't enough, Sam. My mom loved my dad."

"I'll never hurt you or our child. Never. You can trust me. Not all guys are drunken wife beaters."

"I know. But I still can't get rid of the thought that we'll fall out of love. I mean now we don't have worries. But when we're adults and have responsibilities, who's to say we won't get tired of it?"

"I'll never be tired of you. I'll love you the way I do right now forever. Nothing is going to change that." He paused. "Are you having doubts…about us?"

"No."

"You just don't think you'll always love me."

She turned around so she was facing him and looked into his eyes. The look in the blue-green depths was heart-rending. "That's not what I meant."

He looked at her slightly crestfallen. "I know I'm not the person you imagined yourself with. You remind me every day."

"Sam…I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. And you are good enough for me. I never said you weren't. I'm lucky to have you."

"But you just can't see us together later on. Tell me something and be honest. If it wasn't for this baby would you still be with me?"

She ran the back of her hand down his cheek. "Of course I would. Do you know how much I missed you when I was at my dad's?" She rested her palm over his heart. "You've done more for me than any guy ever has. You're the first boyfriend I've had who's loved me."

He cradled her head in his hands and covered her mouth with his. She kissed him back slowly. Then she laid her body along his, her head tucked under his chin. He rubbed her tummy affectionately.

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Sam should have been so miserable. He went to school and worked five days a week. He had to grow up a lot faster than guys his age. But it didn't really matter if he had her.

It was already 7:30. Her cell phone buzzed and she answered it.

"How's our little one?"

She smiled. "Fine. I think he's sleeping. He was very active today. But I think he knew mommy had homework to do."

Sam laughed softly.

"How was work?"

"The usual. This old hag flipped out on me because I put her soda and water in the same bag. Apparently everything has to be separated."

Alyssa giggled. "You wanna come over?"

"Already have."

'What?"

'Window."

She looked out her bedroom window. He stood on the grass in a black hoodie, her porch lights reflecting in his eyes, making his face seem all the more warm.

She smiled down at him rubbing the subtle swell of her tummy. He beamed.

Alyssa walked down her stairs and met him. He molded his hand over her belly and chuckled when he felt shifting under his palm. He stroked her face and captured her lips in a deep, sweet kiss.

Later they lay on her bed, Sam leaning against her headboard and Alyssa reclined along him. They were skimming some baby names books.

"Charles." Sam said jokingly.

"Edgar."

"Francois." He suggested.

"Oh my god, Lumiere!" Alyssa shouted excitedly.

They both laughed. "We have to think of ones that won't be made fun of constantly."

"So you don't think Fonsworth is appropriate?" She feigned seriousness.

Sam smirked.

She paused thoughtfully and her lips curled sweetly. "Sam."

He grinned wryly. "Right cause I totally want my kid to be named Samuel Monroe the second. That doesn't sound formal at all."

Alyssa was quiet for a moment. "Jacob. I've always loved that name."

"I like that."

"Well it's settled then." She closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his hands over her belly.

She shifted in his arms and noticed that he had fallen sleep. She loved that when she watched him sleep he finally seemed at peace. There had been so many days when she looked upon that face and all she saw was pain. But in the last few months the only thing she saw on his face was happiness. And it made her happy.

She pulled the covers over them and wrapped her arms around him, soaking herself in the warmth of his body. The honey-teak scent of him made her eyes heavy and she let dreams of their future life together take her to oblivion.


	37. No One Can Bring Us Down

Part II

Chapter Thirty-four

No One Can Bring Us Down

It was Monday and Sam was driving to high school with Alyssa. She was wearing a purple loose fitting tunic and a lacy shrug over it. When the car was parked her eyes scanned her figure. She tugged at her clothing self consciously.

"Do I look pregnant?" She asked nervously.

Sam smiled. "A little."

She slapped his arm. "You're supposed to say no, jerk!"

"I think it looks cute. I like the bump."

"I don't. You know how many cute things I can't wear?"

"You look gorgeous. In fact since I knocked you up you've been at your prettiest."

'Are you lying?" She asked sarcastically.

"No. You've never been more beautiful than you are now."

She kissed his cheek. "You're sweet."

Most of the people at high school had completely forgotten about Sam and Alyssa going out. There were more scandalous things to think about.

But Alyssa's so called friends were still glued on the issue. As Sam and Alyssa walked through the hallways, they watched the couple intently. Brianna whispered into another girl's ear. "She looks chubby."

The girl smiled maliciously. "Maybe he's been letting her smoke his weed. Munchies are a killer."

The red head watched Alyssa closely. "No, she'd be big all over. It's just around her middle."

Brianna's eyes widened. "Oh my God. She's totally pregnant."

They all giggled. The redhead smirked. "That's gross."

Alyssa tried her best not to notice the looks they passed her way. She had always been unshakably confident. But she couldn't.

Brianna whispered into Alyssa's ear as she walked by. "I heard you can do DNA testing to see if your baby is retarded. I suggest you do that, since there's like a 99 percent chance it's a mutant." They all laughed hysterically.

Alyssa blushed furiously. She waited until they couldn't see her face and broke down in tears. Sam shot them a nasty glare. Then he turned his attention back on the hurt girl beside him. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple.

"Don't listen to them. They're just immature little girls."

She wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I just don't understand why they hate me so much."

"Because you went against them. Because you're with me."

"But that's so stupid. You're a great person."

"Not everyone thinks so."

"They should." She said in irritation.

"People are stupid. But hey, we have each other."

She let a smile creep on her face. "Since when did you become so positive?"

He looked down at her, his lips curling into a grin. "Since I met you."

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Alyssa listened to her professor's lecture. As focused as she was on the literature discussion her teacher was leading she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. She turned her head to where the feeling emanated most strongly from.

Josh.

His brows were furrowed slightly, his eyes on her intently. He looked angry.

She mouthed an irritated "What?"

He looked away from her and pretending he was listening to the class discussion, but Alyssa knew that as soon as her eyes returned to her notebook that he was staring at her again. She pushed it in the back of her mind until class was over. As she gathered her things to leave she saw him walk up to her. She frowned.

'What do you want?"

"I've been hearing some things about you."

She crossed her arms. "Like what?"

His eyes flickered to her stomach. "Like that you're pregnant. Is it Sam's?"

"Did you hear that from the gossip sluts? I wouldn't believe everything those whores say."

He pressed the issue further. "So are you?"

She sighed and pulled her shirt up revealing her swollen belly. "What do you think?"

His face twisted in dismay. "It's Sam's, isn't it?"

She smiled. "Of course it is. He's the only guy I would ever let touch me." She swung her bag over her shoulder. 'Why do you care so much?"

"Because we never officially broke up. You just moved on to that freak."

"Oh we broke up the minute you fucked my mom. And don't call Sam a freak. You're the fucking freak. He told me how you pimped out guys to older men, that he was almost raped by one because of you."

'The queer did it willingly. I didn't _make him_ do anything."

"You're disgusting. Now leave me alone."

"I'm disgusting? You let that druggie fag fuck you. Aren't you afraid that your baby is screwed up?"

She set her mouth in a thin line. "He's been sober for a long time. Which I'm pretty sure that you aren't. You're a drug dealer. You're probably gonna smoke a blunt during lunch break. And everything went fine at my check-up."

"How do you know that it doesn't have some mental defect?"

"God, Josh. Fuck off."

His eyes were cold. "You're a dirty whore."

She began walking off, completely unaffected. "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

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Sam walked outside, waiting for Alyssa in the parking lot. He had promised to take her to the fast food drive thru for lunch. The thought made him smile. She was so cute when she had cravings. So much like the little girl he met a decade ago. He remembered her adorable pout when she asked him to buy her a cheeseburger.

His train of thought was interrupted by a hand whipping him around. Josh stared back at him, looking ready to fight.

Sam furrowed his brows and stood at his full towering height over Josh. "What the fuck is your problem?" he asked in a hostile tone.

"You tainted MY girl."

"YOUR girl? The last time I checked you didn't give a shit about her. If you did you wouldn't have done her mom."

"It doesn't matter if I love her or not. She was MINE."

"Alyssa doesn't BELONG to anyone. You don't OWN her. She can be with whoever she chooses and she chose me."

"She is so far out of your league. The only reason she ever hung around you was because she felt bad for your sorry ass."

"Really? Did she tell you that?"

"She didn't need to. It's obvious she gave you a pity fuck."

Sam's resolve was unfaltering. "Really? Is that why she didn't let you near her cunt with a 10 foot pole and the first chance she got she slept with me?"

"She slept with you because she'd give it up to anybody. She's a whore. Don't think for a moment that you mean anything to her."

Sam was smug. "Right. She doesn't give a shit about me. That's why we've been together for a year, she went to prom with me, and she's having my baby. Nope, she doesn't like me in the slightest."

"Shut the fuck up, Monroe."

Sam was growing impatient with Josh's attempt to scare him. "Don't call her a whore. And DON'T tell me what to do."

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, fag?"

"I'm gonna put your man goodies in a meat grinder."

Josh's face turned the deepest red Sam had ever seen a person's face turn. Almost a purple. He raised his fist and swung for Sam. Sam ducked and Josh's fist crashed into the wood accenting of the Sam's station wagon. He clutched his hand and cried out.

"You gonna pay for that, asshole?" Sam asked haughtily.

Josh was still reeling from his self inflicted injury. "No, it's a fucking shitbox anyway!"

Sam took advantage of the fact that Josh was whining in pain like a little girl and punched him in the jaw. Josh swung with his good hand. He managed to get Sam in the shoulder. Sam pinned him to his car aggressively, fisting his designer shirt.

"Then I suggest you get the fuck out of my way." He hissed.

"I'm not scared of you, Sam." He shot back. He kicked Sam in the shin. It hurt, but Sam was not going to back down. He struck the boy under the ribs and swung at him so hard that Josh stumbled and fell. Sam walked around him.

"That's a good Joshie." He said condescendingly. He got into his car and flicked an old cigarette's ashes on Josh's crumpled form. Then he drove away.

Alyssa waited for Sam at the school steps. He pulled up with a smile on his face. She hopped into the car gleefully. "Hey!"

"Hi, love." He answered. He brought his face to hers and their lips met in a tender kiss.

"Burger King!" she yelled excitedly.

He laughed.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

That night after work Sam knocked on Alyssa's bedroom door. He heard a whine come from inside and opened the door. She was lying on her side, with a heating pad tied to her back with a belt. It would've been funny if Sam didn't feel so bad.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She didn't bother turning around. 'Yeah, my back is just killing me." She said quietly.

He slid into bed beside her. "You want me to get one of those heat wraps for you so you're not chained to the bed?"

"Oh…no. That's sweet, but I don't want to bother you. You're probably beat from work."

He traced her arm. "It's not a bother."

"It's fine. Really. It doesn't hurt that much anymore."

"Sit up." He said.

'What?"

"Just do it."

She swung her legs out onto the edge of the bed. He came up behind her and started caressing her back. She closed her eyes. "Oh, Sam. That feels so good."

He kneaded the small of her back and threw her head back. He chuckled and brushed his lips over her neck. She turned around and climbed onto his lap, straddled him. He looked down into her eyes affectionately, stroking her cheek. He noticed the glow that emanated from her, her skin seemed more vibrant. He kissed her and she loosened in his arms. He buried his fingers in her hair and she sighed into his mouth.

God, she was so beautiful.

Later when they lay in bed together, Sam wondered why he couldn't fall asleep. Usually being with her made him feel serene. Sometimes, though, the scent of her, the warmth and softness of her body made his heart race. And he realized that that was what was keeping him awake.

She had fallen into a deep sleep and he enjoyed the way her body rose and fell under his touch with every slow breath she took. In a routine and unconscious movement his hand rested over her belly. He smiled when he felt stirring under her skin.

She was so beautiful.


	38. My Beloved

Alyssa got into the passenger's seat. The serene sounds of a husky voiced female bled out of Sam's car speakers. The music was soothing and Alyssa's lips curled into a smile. "What's this?"

"Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now."

A spark of recognition ignited in her mind. "The day your parents danced together."

"I can remember every detail like it happened a second ago. Like a photograph in my mind."

'When we get a house we can dance to this song."

Sam was wistfully silent. "When we get a house? So you want to be with me?"

"You and little Jakey. The three of us."

He cupped her face in his hands, pressing his forehead against hers and smiling ear to ear. "I love you."

Alyssa's cheeks reddened, rosy pink over cream skin. She smiled.

Sam laughed softly. "Are you blushing?"

She bit her lips and flushed fifty more shades of red. "No."

"It's cute."

"I don't know, lately I've been feeling giddy." She admitted.

The milky sea in his eyes seemed brighter then. He locked his gaze with hers, smiling without his mouth. He kissed her tenderly. She wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her fingers in his hair. They kissed into oblivion.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa's childish giggles filled the mild September air. Her head hung back, her face turned to the sky as Sam swung her around in his arms. He laughed freely. She screamed with reckless abandon.

Colleen sipped her tea watching the news channels all broadcasting the same stories simultaneously. Towers collapsed into ash and people ran away in horror covered in gray soot. It was all the news had been playing for the last week. Tomorrow would be a week since terrorists had flew two American Airlines planes from Logan International Airport into the World Trade centers in Manhattan.

People went to work that cloudless morning and perished before noon. It made her appreciate her life. It was true that things hadn't gone as planned and that her daughter wasn't in the best of situations. But at least she had her daughter.

California was as far from New York City as you could get in the continental U.S. But the stories of people looking for their missing loved ones knowing somewhere deep in their souls that their brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, and friends weren't simply missing, but gone; that moved Colleen. She would be disgracing God if she didn't count her blessings.

Colleen heard screams and laughter and she let the tragedy of the news fade out into the background as she walked towards her bedroom window.

It was a heartwarming sight. Sam was holding her daughter in his arms and spinning her around, She swung her legs wildly and her eyes were reduced to slits as she laughed. He was singing some sort of love song to her and she was squealing like an eight year old.

Colleen smiled. She was happy that Alyssa finally had a man in her life that could treat her right, make her happy. Sam knew what he had was special and Colleen was pleased.

He set her down on the ground slowly, being extra careful with her. She rested her palms on his chest and his hands were at her waist. He bent his neck and kissed her. She pulled away after a while and planted a kiss on his cheek.

Alyssa almost skipped into the house, high on love.

Colleen checked on her daughter that night, opening her bedroom door quietly. Her light was still on. A goofy smile was plastered on her sleeping face. She was holding something in her hands. Colleen walked over and saw that they were photos, one of Sam and one of her daughter's ultrasound. She pulled it out of Alyssa's grip slightly and felt a tear roll down her cheek. There was a little nose and little hands fisted with little feet. Colleen tucked it back in the girl's hand. She placed her fingers against her own lips, and then onto her daughter's cheek. Then she turned the light off and walked out.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa ate her breakfast and frowned at the TV. "Mom can you please turn the news off? I can't handle this 9/11 stuff."

"You shouldn't be able to handle it. And you should watch it. Be thankful for what you have."

"Mom, I am thankful. I'm just not in the best condition to watch this right now. I'm really sensitive. And all the death…"

"My roommate from college, her sister was in the South tower. They haven't been able to find her."

Alyssa was silent. "That's terrible."

"It's made me think…about all the things that have happened. I mean I definitely was affected by George's death. But he had Cancer. We all knew deep sown he wasn't going to make it. But these people their loved ones went to work and never came back. They never had a chance to say goodbye." She touched Alyssa's hand. "I was so angry at you and Sam when you told me you were pregnant. But watching the news…I'm happy. I have my little girl and my little girl is in love and she's having a baby. Why should I be upset? We have so many things to be grateful for."

Alyssa smiled. "We do." Then she laughed.

"What?" Colleen asked surprised.

Alyssa took her mother's hand and laid it against her belly where Colleen felt stirring. The woman beamed. "He's glad you're thankful for him." She looked down lovingly. "Aren't you, Jacob?"

"That's a beautiful name."

"It was my idea. And Sam really liked it too."

"Well enough cuteness. Go get ready for school. I'm sure Sam will be here soon to pick you up."

Alyssa came down later grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. There was a honk outside and she hurried out the house. Sam smiled as she ran into his arms. He lowered his gaze to her tummy where he was rubbing her. His lips met hers.

Colleen thought it was sweet that they felt so newly in love. Ever since Alyssa had realized she was expecting they had fallen in love all over again.

Sam led her to the car a bit over protectively. But that was typical. He had been watchful with her in the recent months as he should be.

Colleen opened the door and Sam grinned at her through his window. "Good morning Mrs. Beck."

"Good morning, Sam. Take care of my daughter, you hear?"

He laughed. "Okay." He reversed out of the driveway and drove out of the cul-de-sac street.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Sam lay on Alyssa's bed, headphones on his head. He was asleep, a homework assignment in his hand. He had gone to school and work. He was exhausted. Alyssa took the piece of paper from him and placed it on her nightstand. Then she pecked his nose.

He opened his eyes sleepily. She stroked the outline of his face then she lowered his lips to his. He kissed her back deeply, his hands buried in her hair. She sat up and he moved with her. When he broke away she ran her fingers over his lips. "We haven't had sex in ages."

He smiled. "It's been a week."

"Too long. We used to do it every day."

"You weren't pregnant then."

"Knocked up women have sex all the time, Sam. It's normal. I've actually wanted it more ever since."

"I've noticed."

"I just need you to love me. I need you to touch me…like that."

"Are you sure? I mean do you feel up to it?"

"I feel fine. I mean if you don't wanna see my fat body naked I understand. I am resembling a cow more and more every day. Not the biggest turn on."

He laughed. "That's not why. I'm just not entirely sure it's the best thing to do in your condition."

"In my condition." She rolled her eyes. "I asked my Oby/gyn. She said it's okay, as long we aren't rough."

He cupped her face. "If you feel anything wrong, just ask me and I'll stop."

"Okay."

He looked into her eyes hesitantly. Then he feathered kisses down her neck and she whimpered. He pulled the strap of her camisole down and kissed her shoulder and then up her throat. She breathed feverishly and arched her neck. He kissed under her chin and brought his hand to the nape of her neck and pulled her head back up. She sighed into his mouth when he pressed his lips against hers. She kissed him back passionately and he moaned. He felt her tease up the edges of his shirt. He pulled away and threw it over his head. He went to take her camisole off. She stopped him. "Let me keep it on. I feel self-conscious."

He trailed his hands down her back slowly. "You look beautiful. Don't be ashamed."

"So you don't think I look like a fat cow?"

"No."

She paused and but didn't protest when he began to pull her shirt up. He kissed the crook of her neck as he unfastened her bra. A few more articles of clothing and she was on her back. He propped himself on his elbows, careful not to put all his weight on her and began making love to her in a slow rhythm. She bit her lip and closed her eyes. He furrowed his brows and his lips parted in an agonized moan. She laughed softly. A cry bubbled from her lips and he rolled over pulling her on top of him. Her lips settled on his and he groaned into her mouth as he reached climax.

They showered together, scrubbing each other clean and changed the sheets. Alyssa buried her head in Sam's chest, breathing in the warm scent of him. He wrapped his arms around her. They fell asleep.

Alyssa dreamed of the ocean. It looked like liquid gold with the sun on it. A pretty house sat on a cliff, surrounded by a wooden white fence. Somewhere at the bottom of the copper cliffs there was the sound of laughter. A little child with spiky raven hair ran over the sand, giggling. His blue-green eyes filled with innocent bliss. Sam came up behind the little boy and scooped him into his arms. "Daddy!"

She laughed in her sleep and unconsciously pulled herself closer to Sam.

Oh how she loved him and the miracle he had given her.


	39. Faith Has Been Broken

Part II

Chapter Thirty-five

Faith Has Been Broken

Change could happen in an instant. Make you something different. That was what filled Alyssa's frightened thoughts as the ground fell out from beneath her. Her father towered over her and she slammed onto the wet grass. She cried out as he beat her to oblivion, tears of grief pouring out of her. I don't want to die, she thought. I have so much to live for.

She heard her bones crack and she screamed. She heard his furious 'shut-up' fill the air. The last few blows silenced her and her eyes rolled back into her head. Awareness becoming more and more distant. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to him. Sam…

_The sun had been elusive that past few days. Gray clouds blanketed the sky in an ominous way. Thunder roared and clapped in a constant tempo. Sunny California's coastline wasn't always filled with golden lit beaches. _

_Little beads of rain spotted the windows of Sam's car. Alyssa frowned at the torrential downpour._

"_The weather guy said light rain."_

_He smirked. "You should know better than to trust those idiots."_

"_Yeah I guess I should. I should've brought my raincoat with me. I guess I could bolt into my house."_

"_You're not allowed to run."_

_She sighed. "Can you tell me what else I'm not allowed to do? Speak, breathe?"_

"_You're not allowed to speak." He joked. "But I'd prefer you keep breathing seeing as it keeps you alive."_

"_Yes sir." She did a mock army salute._

_Sam laughed. _

"_Typical, my mom parks her freaking car near the door. I should get first priority."_

"_Wait." Sam took off his coat and handed it to her. 'Here, so you won't be cold."_

_She smiled and put it on. It was huge on her and she giggled. She kissed his cheek. "Thanks."_

_His lips curled in an ear to ear grin and he brushed his lips against hers. "I love you."_

"_I love you too. See you tomorrow."_

_She flipped the hood on the oversized jacket onto her head, looking hilarious. She waved to Sam and walked into her house. _

George's words to Sam would never ring as true as in the next few hours. Change could happen in an instant. Make you different. And sometimes that didn't always mean for the better.

Alyssa's memory blurred things, made the sequencing wrong. Because one minute she was in her house, warm and happy. And the next she could feel the ground move under her as someone dragged her into a forest. The ache that resonated in her body was becoming a dull pain and she wondered faintly as the consciousness slipped away from her if she was dying.

The world was black and silent. She didn't feel the hurt or cold or loneliness. There was simply nothing. And then dim images played out in her mind. A little girl sat on her porch, crying into her little chubby hands. And a boy asked her why she was crying. As she looked up she saw a curious face, milky white skin and big blue-green eyes. He had the prettiest eyes she'd ever seen on a boy. He didn't know where her injuries were, he just blew a puff of air in her face the way his mother did on all his cuts and bruises. The heaviness in her heart was gone instantly and she giggled into the air as he pushed her on a swing.

Tea parties and mock fairytales played out in her head. Watching movies with him. Throwing cake at him. Hugging him, he always gave the best hugs…so warm. Sending cracked teacups filled with paper wishes into the sea.

Kissing him. Losing him. Finding him.

Waking up so many mornings in his arms. Getting lost in those deep eyes. Making love to him.

She was on a beach, lying on her back with her face to the sky, soaking up the sun. The sun was blocked and she saw why. He looked down at her with that heartbreaking smile of his. She pulled his face down and felt his lips settle on hers. Years seemed to go by. She looked at him and traced imaginary lines on his face. He touched her lips, stroking them open. She could feel him feather kisses on her throat and then place his hands gently on her tummy. She laughed contentedly. When she quieted the features of his face seemed dimmer. The sun had disappeared behind him, replaced by a sky the color of ash. She frowned and his expression hardened. He turned his head. He faced her again, his face marked by alarm.

His shout ripped through the air. "Run!"

But the sight of the colossal tidal wave froze her in her place with fear. The sound of his voice tore through her ears. She scrambled onto her feet. But it was too late. The ground vanished underneath her as the water crashed into them.

He was screaming now. "Alyssa!"

She flailed in panic, trying to keep her head above water. She saw him swim toward her.

"Alyssa!" His voice was loud enough to crack the sky.

She tried to go to him, but the undertow pulled her farther and farther away from. Tears spilled down her face. "Sam!"

He was crying, that cry that pained her so much. It broke her heart, but she couldn't hold on any longer. She heard his tortured sobbing as she sunk underneath the waves. "Alyssa. _Alyssa_…"

She didn't know if she was dreaming because you couldn't really call it dreaming if you were dead. Whatever had flashed behind her eyelids faded into darkness. She wished she could call out to him; tell him she loved him one last time. But the blackness suffocated her.


	40. Close Your Eyes

Part II

Chapter Thirty-six

Close Your Eyes

_All your twisted thoughts free flow  
To everlasting memories  
Show soul  
Kiss the stars with me_

_A year goes by  
And I can't talk about it  
The times were right  
But I couldn't talk about it_

_Ignorance is bliss cherish it  
Pretty neighborhoods  
You learn too much to hold  
Believe it not  
And fight the tears  
With pretty smiles and lies  
About the times_

_And I'm praying that we will see  
Something there in between  
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream  
So we can talk about it_

_So I thought-Flyleaf_

The damp woods were cold against her skin. Her head pounded and she could taste the faint beginning of blood in her mouth. And her belly hurt. She draped her arm over herself and rubbed it.

Alyssa didn't know how she got here. All she could remember was waking up that morning and going to school. Sam kissed her good-bye after he dropped her off at her house.

She remembered. She was sipping some hot cocoa and looking at a magazine. And then the telephone rang. It was Amanda. She said Richard left her and she was crying. Being the good friend that Alyssa was she got a bus ticket to see Amanda. And she comforted her. And Amanda congratulated Alyssa on her news.

And then her father walked in. The sight of her made him so angry. She had after landed him in jail. He unleashed his full anger on both of them. On her even though he could clearly tell she was carrying a child. That seemed to make him angrier. He slapped Amanda around for a bit. Then he turned his full attention on her.

Alyssa ran outside, trying to dial her cell phone. He grabbed her wrist from behind and whipped her around. Tears poured down her face. "Please, please don't hurt me."

"You call the cops on your own father and then show up to his house?"

"I'm sorry. Amanda missed you. She was sad. I'll leave. I'm sorry."

He slapped her and she began to cry out loud. "Please…daddy."

He gripped her face painfully. "If you ever show up here again…"

"Please…" she sobbed. "You'll hurt my baby."

"That's disgusting. That fucking druggie loser knocked you up."

"Just let me go. I won't tell anyone. I promise."

He spat in her face. Then he back handed her roughly and she fell to the ground, crying out. She wept loudly.

"Shut up, bitch!"

But she couldn't. He kicked her in the back and in the head. Everything faded to black. He dragged her to the woods. He must've thought she was dead. But she wasn't.

And that's how she ended up lying in the woods, in horrible pain. She knew from the pain in her chest that she must've had a broken rib. She knew she was going to die. She could feel the life slipping away from her.

Like an angel Amanda was by her side. Her face was covered in bruises and her lips split. But she was there. She brushed the hair out of the girl's face. "I've called the ambulance, sweetie."

"I don't know if I can make it."

"Oh no. Don't talk like that. You've got to be here for your baby."

"I think I'm losing it. It hurts. He's dying inside me."

"No." She placed Alyssa's head on her lap.

She was quiet. Amanda sang a lullaby to Alyssa. The sirens filled the air. They put her on the stretcher and took her to the emergency room.

She had a few broken teeth. And her ribs were fractured. Within the hour she miscarried. She cried for a while and she lost consciousness again.

Sam had called her cell phone repeatedly for the past five hours. Amanda contacted Colleen who was hysterical. After her sobbing had subsided she drove to Sam's house. When he saw her car pull into the driveway he walked out. She stepped out of her car and he looked at her with a worried look on his face.

"I've been calling her for hours. Where is she?" he asked.

She looked at him with a anguished expression on her face.

He looked at her in alarm, his voice soft. "What is it?"

Colleen tried to hold back her tears. She stroked his face consolingly.

"What's wrong?"

"Alyssa's in the hospital." She answered.

" What happened? Is she okay? Is the baby okay?"

She shook her head. "No, Sam."

She could see his eyes start to glisten with tears. "I…"

"Alyssa went to her father's house after Amanda gave her an upset telephone call. He was very angry. He…he hurt her. Very badly. She lost the baby."

She could see his spirit fall, could feel his heart break. He started to gasp and collapsed onto the asphalt of the driveway. His sobbing filled the evening, tearing the last remaining threads of hope from her. She knelt and hugged him.

He cried in her arms, soaking her shirt, shaking her as he trembled violently. She had never seen him cry like that. Not since George passed.

He slept in the car as she drove to the outskirts of LA. She felt physically ill. She asked for water from the receptionist. Sam walked to Alyssa's room with legs like lead. He looked over at Amanda. "How is she?" he rasped.

"Unconscious. They're making sure she doesn't slip into a coma. Her body's been through a lot of stress, especially after the miscarriage."

"So there's a chance she could die." He said shakily.

Amanda didn't say anything. She looked at her hands in her lap.

They had lost their son and now Sam was going to lose the only girl he had ever loved.

He bent over the trash can in the room and vomited. He threw up until there wasn't anything left to throw up. He dry heaved, gagging.

Amanda got out of her chair walked him into the bathroom. She wiped his mouth after he had washed it out with water. He walked around her without a response. She knew he blamed her for what happened to Alyssa.

Colleen was stroking the girl's hair. Her tears had dried on her face. "Robin's here, Sam. I'll go get her."

She walked out of the room barely keeping herself together.

Sam buried his head in her chest and rubbed her empty belly. He sobbed into her hospital gown. He felt her shift and raised his head. He could barely make out her face through his tears. Her face was horribly bruised and covered in cuts. "Sam…you're here." Her voice cracked.

"I came as soon as I heard. I'm with you, love. I'm here."

"Oh, Sam. I'm so sorry." She wheezed.

"Please don't apologize to me for what that monster did to you."

"I know. But you loved our baby. I'm sorry I lost him."

"Shhhh." He stroked her face. "You need to rest."

He continued to soothe her, whispering inaudibly to her.

Amanda felt out of place. She picked up her belongings quietly and walked out into the hallway. Robin and Colleen were in the waiting room crying in each other's arms. Colleen lifted her eyes and stared at Amanda with the slightest resentment. It's all your fault, her eyes told Amanda.

Amanda averted her gaze shamefully and turned away, walking down the hallway slowly and unsurely.

People walking in the opposite direction looked at her strangely. Her face must've been a mess. She had stitches in her lip and her skin was sallow and covered with purple splotches. But it could never match the way she felt inside. Because she knew was to blame everything that had happened today. If it wasn't for her telephone call to Alyssa, the girl and her loved one's lives wouldn't be destroyed.

They would be happy right now. They'd be planning baby showers and buying clothes. They'd be setting up a crib. They'd be picking out strollers and playpens. They'd be dying of bliss.

Now they were dying of something else.

A girl's innocence lost. A boy's hope for a better future dashed.

If she had left when her instincts told her, when Alyssa pleaded her to months earlier none of this would have happened.

But she chose to pull the thread that unraveled their entire lives. She couldn't put the pieces back together. She couldn't mend their broken hearts.

And she hated herself for it. What a selfish fucking bitch.

The bright white lights of the emergency lettering shined behind Amanda, casting artificial florescence over her. The distant sound of an ambulance's sirens filled the cool air and she lost herself in the night.


	41. Trying To Forget The Past

Part II

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Trying To Forget The Past

Alyssa was so fragile she was barely to cry. But she did. Silent tears of despair. She cried herself back to a heavy sleep. After Sam saw that her sobbing had quieted and she was finally at some sort of peace he pulled himself from her arms.

Sam didn't know where he was going. He walked to an aimless destination. The sliding doors of the hospital lobby sent in a gust of wind that led him outside in a trance. He couldn't feel himself. It was like his soul wasn't in his body. The sun was low in the sky and violent oranges and purples were painted across the horizon.

There was a liquor store not far from the hospital. He convinced someone to buy him alcohol. The vodka burned his throat and warmed his insides. He drank it until he couldn't walk straight and his head spun wildly. When the white noise of traffic permeated the city and stars spotted the black sky Sam finally made it back to the hospital parking lot.

He was past drunk and the contents of his stomach lurched out of him on the asphalt.

He lay on the ground looking up at the heavens. It was strange that on the worst nights of his life he always seemed to find himself lost under a dark canopy of twinkling lights. The sky always soothed him.

He could feel her hoodie against his face six years ago on a night like this. But the only person who could possibly comfort him in his anguish was suffering herself. And there was nothing he could do to take away her pain.

The glittering diamonds strewn over the velvet blanket of night blurred as his eyes filled up and spilled over. He closed them, but they managed to leak out from underneath his lashes and soak his face.

Images of things passed moved backwards in his mind like the rewind of a movie.

Finding out that Alyssa's father had beaten her within an inch of her life. Dropping her off at home. Going to school together. Going to work. Talking about the baby. Making love. Holding her. Kissing her. Going to work. Going to school. Spending time with his family. Laughing with Alyssa. Talking about the baby. Making love. Holding her. Kissing her. Her frightened face in the pharmacy three months ago. Her telephone call. The fight with her dad. Watching her face as her father's car pulled away. Prom. Missing George. Christmas with Jeanne, the sweet cripple he gave his dad's house to. Having his first time with Alyssa. George's funeral. George's death. Showing his father the Christmas lights spread over the almost finished house. Sleeping in Alyssa's arms. Crying in Alyssa's arms. George telling him he was dying. Building the house with his family. Reading Adam bedtime stories with Alyssa. Kissing her in the car. Kissing her in the movie theatre. Kissing her in the shower. Her teasing little smile. Watching his parents dance in the sunset. George pulling him out of his abyss. Prostituting himself. Getting high. Watching Alyssa walking by him in slow motion in the school parking lot, her pretty eyes focused on him as Josh hassled him. Getting high. Getting high. Walking away from her when they were 11 and stupid. Kissing her. Screaming in the pouring rain as Robin took him away from George. Meeting Alyssa. His sixth birthday in the ocean.

And it stopped there and he swam. George let him go and his six year old self floated away. He sank under willingly. Blue all around him. He smiled under the water. His vision was clouded with black. And breathlessly, contentedly he died.

Before any of it could happen. Before his life slowly came undone. He died.

Sam wished that had really happened. But a decade later he had lost the ones he loved. And he cried against the gravely asphalt.

The hospital was silent. He took the elevator back up. Robin and Colleen were sleeping on the waiting room chairs under sheets the nurses gave them.

He opened the door to Alyssa's room. Her heart monitor beeped in a steady rhythm. He slipped into bed beside her, spooning himself to her sleeping body. The alcohol sent him to sleep as soon as he closed his eyes.

The warm water of the motel shower poured over their embraced bodies. She brushed her lips over his adam's apple and then the base of his throat. He sighed as she trailed her fingers down his spine. He woke up in a tangle of sheets still inside her. When he kissed her eyelids she stirred and opened her pretty blue eyes. She yawned and he stroked her cheek, realizing just how deeply he had fallen in love with her.

His sleep became dreamless, plunging into a darkness. For a few hours none of the events of the day happened. He slept beside his ruined lover. And she slept beside him.


	42. Tired Of Breathing

Part II

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Tired Of Breathing

The light of morning woke Sam. It was like knives set to the pounding in his head. He felt her shift in his arms and a subdued mewl escaped from her bruised lips as she buried her face in his chest. He placed his hand over the crown of her head consolingly. The room was quiet. The only sounds were her heart monitor and the sound of her shallow breathing.

He closed his eyes and tried to drift off into a time and place when things were simpler. Like when he secretly watched her dance to Britney Spears songs like a 12 year old. She looked silly at first with her hair brush in her hand like a microphone, but after a few moments she moved her body in a graceful way, completely absorbed into her own little world. She would spin and spin like the tiny ballerina in a little girl's music box. Her flowered skirts would billow and swirl around her hypnotically and she would turn her face towards the ceiling, her eyes shut and her arms spread out. And then her lips would curl ever so slightly. Pure innocent bliss.

He would never see that again. He feared that she had turned to stone and that from now on the human part of her, the childlike spirit, her remarkable optimism would be dead in her. He knew nothing he could say or do would ever bring those things back to her. The only way he could ever return her to that state of joy was to turn back time and no one could do that.

The world, it seemed was like a maze. He ventured through it with some sense of hope. He would surely find his way out. But the farther and farther he walked, the more lost he became.

The unfailing truth through happiness and hardship is that despite it all…life goes on. You can barely be alive, just breathing, only breathing. You can go on throughout the day numb to everything around you and life still goes on. Even if you don't want it to.

For the longest stretch of time Sam had been happy. Everything seemed to be heading in the right direction. His life was finally looking up. But more than that. He had never been so happy, not since that swim in the ocean with his father on his sixth birthday.

The happiness filled him so completely that it stretched from the upturned curl of his lips to the tips of his fingers and toes. He smiled everyday an infinite number of times. It was only natural, painfully predictable that it couldn't last. He should have known that by now. That he would wake up from that wonderfully sweet dream.

He could have dreamed forever but one drunken man destroyed that. And he would never dream again.

Sam didn't think Alyssa would ever be the same. It was true that in the beginning she was a little vixen, seductively drawing in her prey. But underneath it all she was an innocent girl. And he knew she would never be innocent again.

He didn't want her to be disappointed in life the way he had been. He didn't want her to fall into the same depths of despair he had been trapped in for so long. Because in all honesty he didn't know if she could survive, make it out on the other side.

Alyssa was strong. He couldn't deny that. She had to have been to survive childhood fathered by such a horrible man. But what had happened to her in the last 48 hours wasn't something a person could recover from without scars. Even the strongest couldn't come out unscathed.

Sam prayed she would never look at him again because he didn't want to see the light fade out of her pretty blue eyes. They were so empty when she last looked at him. He wondered if they would ever light up again.

The door opened and Robin walked into the room, dark circles underneath her eyes. She spoke in a whisper. "How is she?"

He sat up, stroking her auburn hair. "Tired. She's sleeping."

Alyssa must not have been completely asleep because as soon as he pulled away from her, her face twisted into a frown. She whimpered and then tears spilled out over her cheeks. What was left of Sam's heart shattered into a thousand unfixable shards of glass.

"No." he pleaded with her softly.

She began quivering and he slipped back into bed beside her. She wrapped her arms around him tightly like he was the anchor keeping her sane.

"Don't cry." He whispered against her hair.

But she trembled more and he could feel her tears soak his shirt. Her heart monitor blipped erratically.

Robin scurried out of the room alerting the doctors.

Her body quaked and her sobs pierced the air. Her blood pressure and heartbeat rose into dangerous levels.

"Please. You're hurting yourself." Sam begged.

Her sobbing worsened. He ripped himself from her grip and she wailed. An alarm sounded in her room. He ran out into the hallway and the doctors running in the opposite direction seemed to go by him in slow motion. He leaned against a wall and tried to calm himself. But the sadness consumed him and he slid to the ground, crying in his hands.

He didn't want to be alive anymore. It hurt too much. The only reason he wouldn't kill himself was because of her. She had lost too much already.

Sam sat with his knees drawn to his chest and his head hanging in heartache until he had cried himself dry. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at Colleen.

"She needs you." Colleen whispered.

His vision settled on a woman in a wheelchair which was decorated in balloons and streamers. Her husband pushed her along and she touched the pink flesh of her baby's face.

He stared wistfully, that very image, that moment that the couple were sharing, stolen from him and Alyssa. He felt like there was a fist in his chest squeezing his life away.

Colleen spoke his name and he turned his attention back to her. Alyssa was heavily drugged. They had sedated her. but she was awake, her eyelids drooping, one because she was so exhausted, but the other because it was swollen. She looked like death, the severity of her bruising and cuts alarming.

She smiled at him. The morphine must have made her despair less unbearable. "Hi."

He tried to smile, but it was like swimming out from the bottom of the sea with a concrete weight attached to you. His lips felt heavy. "Hi."

He sat down beside her bed. She laid her palm over his hand and brought her face inches from his. He looked into her eyes not with the warmth that once radiated from his own blue depths, but with a detached emptiness.

She laughed. "Kiss me."

He felt the expanse of her cheek under his palm and covered her mouth with his. He moved his lips across hers softly. He didn't feel the hammering of his heart against his ribs or the rushing of blood through his veins, the warmth or the electricity running across his nerve endings. He felt…nothing.

When their lips parted her smile faded into confusion. She didn't seem to know where she was.

"Why am I in the hospital? Is Jakey here? Did I have him yet?"

Sam couldn't breathe. The look of immense despair in his eyes. It swallowed him whole, ate him alive.

She tilted her head. Puzzled. "What?"

She didn't remember. It was awful. How could he bear to possibly tell her? His blue depths remained locked with hers. Then they glazed over and spilled over with the heaviest rain that ever did fall from his beautiful eyes.

She frowned. "Why are you crying?"

"Because…Jacob died."

She looked crestfallen. 'After I had him?"

Sam quivered. "Do you remember anything?"

"I don't. Was something wrong with the baby?"

He smiled sadly. "No. He was perfectly healthy."

"I don't understand."

"After your dad beat you…you lost Jake."

"Oh." She cast her eyes downward. She was too tired to have much of a reaction besides the silent disappointment he saw in her face. A lone tear fell down her cheek. She lay back down, her back to him.

Even so he could tell she was crying quietly. If it was any other day, any other circumstance he would've wrapped his arms around her and held her to him to quell her sadness. But today he was too drained.

Instead he went to the hotel his mother was staying at and drank the rest of his vodka. He filled the tub with hot water and when his eyelids were heavy he got in.

Sam had considered staying around for the sake of Alyssa. But the sorrow and alcohol clouded his judgment.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel. No happy ending at the end of the story. Sometimes the good guys lost and the bad guys won. Sometimes the most innocent and the meek were the subject of God's cruel experiments. Just how much could a person take before they would crack?

Sam had his answer. He sunk under the bathwater, shutting his eyes. His face twisted as he fought not to submit to the burning in his lungs. And then it hurt a little less. He felt a warm daze fill his head and a never ending field of roses stretch across his consciousness. Alyssa ran through it and he ran after her. Her laughter was so soothing.

Robin opened the hotel door fatigued. She threw her purse on a table and was surprised to hear the water running. She walked toward the bathroom. Water poured over the rim of the tub, the bathroom flooded. She ran through it, the bottoms of her pants soaked.

Terror filled her when she saw her son submerged, drowning. She reached in, her hands shaking. Was she too late?

She pulled his head above water. He was wracked with violent coughs. She hugged him, his face resting in her shoulder. She could've told him a million things. How much she would miss him if he had succeeded. How much Alyssa needed him. But she didn't. She just held her eldest son and cried.

"Mom." He said hoarsely. "Just please let me die."

She tightened her grip on him. "No. You're the last thing I have of him. I love you."

He was very still in her arms. "Stop trying to save me."

And it occurred to her for the first time since Sam had started falling into desolation that maybe even though he was sick, he didn't want to be cured. He didn't want to be saved.

The wounds in her heart re-opened. George had been dying of a terminal illness of the body. Sam was dying of a terminal illness of the soul.


	43. Hope Is On The Run

Part II

Chapter Thirty-nine

Hope Is On The Run

The hum of the traffic outside the hotel room was one of the lone sounds Robin heard. She sat beside a sleeping Sam, running her hands through his dark hair. Sleep beckoned to her at every turn but she forced herself to stay awake. God forbid what would happen if she let her eyes close for a second.

Robin was afraid that if she left the room for even a moment that Sam would find a way in that tiny stretch of time to finish what he started in the bathroom. She had thought he was better, that her nightmares of him taking his own life were long gone. But a year later they were back at square one.

When the sun started to peek through the blinds of the window her eyes started to droop and her face slipped off the perch of her hand holding it up.

It was summer when her vision returned to her. She had something in her arms and she looked over. It was Sam, barely a year old, wavy black hair on his little head and a smile on his face. He was such a quiet baby. He hardly ever cried. The sun illuminated his eyes so that they looked like glass. George walked over. He was smiling so much it looked like his face would break. He took the little boy out of her hands, bringing the child's face to his, kissing the round cheeks. Sam giggled happily. Robin pressed the button on their cassette player and Both Sides Now played soothingly.

We used to rock you to sleep to this.

It was true. Robin watched as George bouncing the laughing boy to the music.

We used to dance you to sleep.

Soon his giggles quieted.

Robin's eyes opened slowly. And then she realized Sam wasn't lying in bed anymore. A thousand thoughts detonated inside her mind and she ran out in panic.

'Sam!"

His voice was muffled but it was there. "Mom, I'm out here. Relax."

She followed the noise and Sam was on the balcony lighting up. It was one of the first times she had looked at his face and felt pure relief and pure love. Her lost little boy. Would he always be lost?

His eyes were fixed to some unknown destination as he smoked. He had that look again. Barely alive. She knew she was interrupting a moment of release for him, but she didn't care because she didn't know how many moments she had with him. The tears flowed out of her and she crushed him in a hug. He was reluctant at first. Then his arms wrapped around her and she felt him quiver as he started to weep. She stroked the hair on the back of his head comfortingly and he seemed to shake more and more in her arms. It felt like he would shatter.

She didn't even fully believe the words she was about to say, but she had to say them for both their sakes. "I know right now it seems like nothing will ever be good again, but I promise you they will. Every person on this earth has to go through awful things. When you make it out on the other side, though, it's beautiful. I know because after the terrible things your father went through, after our divorce we still had you. Our beautiful son." She cupped his face in her hands and wiped the tears off his cheeks. "You've fought so hard, made it through so many things. Don't give up now."

"She'll never be the same." He said unevenly. "The one untouched, pure thing in my life is gone."

Robin was silent. "She won't be the same. But if you stay by her side she'll survive. She'll heal again."

"I want her to be the same. I want her to be innocent. I want her to still believe there is good in the world."

She looked into her son's eyes lovingly. "There is still good in the world. There's you."

"This is my fault. I let my guard down. I've been punished."

She brushed some stray strand of hair out of his face. "What Alyssa's father did is not your fault."

His incessant sobbing was started to calm. "You should've seen her face. I'll never forget that face."

Robin drew him into her arms again and ran her hands up and down his back comfortingly. Every so often he would shudder. She spoke softly. "There will be other babies."

His voice was barely audible. "But I loved this one. _She_ loved this one."

"I know. And I'm sorry."

He buried his face in her shoulder and though he no longer quivered, too tired to do so, she could feel the wetness soak through her shirt. His breathing was slow; so slow in fact that she wondered if he had fallen asleep in her arms from the weariness.

"Let's go inside and get you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"C'mon. For Alyssa. And then we'll go back to the hospital."

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When he finally mustered the courage to walk to her room he saw a sight that broke his heart and warmed it at the same time. Alyssa was sitting up in bed, her hands in her lap and her eyes cast downward. Her mother tucked a flower behind her ear and she smiled weakly. Colleen continued to French braid her silky hair.

Sam didn't move. He leaned against the doorframe and watched the moment. Colleen finished and kissed her daughter's cheek. "There. Beautiful." Colleen's eyes flickered to meet his. "Look who's here."

Alyssa lifted her head and gazed at Sam. For the longest moment their eyes were locked and the world fell away around them. He closed the distance between them, bringing her into his embrace. Colleen let them have their moment alone.

He buried his hands in her hair and pressed his forehead against hers. "I love you."

Alyssa looked into his eyes forlornly. She didn't speak. Instead she buried her face in his chest, inhaling his scent. Her body slackened against him, feeling safe in his arms. She sighed. "I missed you."

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't handle to see you that way."

"Don't leave me." She pleaded quietly.

He stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. "I won't." he whispered.

She looked up at him with a completely vulnerable expression and all he wanted to do in that moment was to save her, to protect her again. "Do you still think I'm beautiful? The doctors said there might be some permanent scarring on my face. Would you still want me?"

He cupped her face and frowned. "I'll always want you. I love you for you, not for your looks."

"But do you still think I'm beautiful?"

He forced a smile, so difficult to do with such a heavy heart. "Of course I do."

"How can you say that? I look terrible."

He traced the outline of her cheek. "You'll always be beautiful to me. No matter what."

"Thank you." She said softly.

"Don't thank me. I'm not saying it to be kind. I mean it." He feathered kisses along her cheek. "You're beautiful."

"That's not true. I'm hideous."

His fingers brushed her lips. "Don't say that." He placed his hand over the pulse of her heart.

She cast her eyes downward, her lashes fanned out over a battered face.

"Don't be ashamed. I love you." He brought his face to hers, looking into her eyes for permission. She granted it silently and he captured her lips with his in a gentle, healing kiss.

Alyssa nestled herself into his body, her face in the crook of his neck. He felt her lips on his skin and let himself get lost in the contact. It still hurt. The wounds inside him were still raw. But knowing his touch brought her some sense of comfort, some sense of solace eased the pain in him.

Maybe they would find that rapture, that peace again. As far away as it seemed. Maybe they would find that place again where they were innocent and their hearts were whole.


	44. Tarnished

Part II

Chapter Forty

Tarnished

Three days after Robin found her oldest son drowning himself in her hotel bathroom the world had started to settle down again. Outwardly anyway. Silence signified things going on underneath everyone's calm exteriors. Exhaustion masked the sadness they felt inside.

Colleen had brought Alyssa a change of clothes. She wasn't a superficial girl, but the desire to be attractive wasn't unnatural for a young woman to have. She stared into the bathroom mirror quietly distressed by the bruising on her face. The violent purple that had pooled underneath the skin around her eyes and on her cheeks was a bit fainter. But she still looked awful.

She caked on some powder but try as she might she couldn't hide her battered face. She called for her mother and Colleen wheeled her outside the room. Her ankle was sprained and the pain of her fractured rib amplified every time she walked so they had her in a wheelchair.

As her mother pushed her down the hallway Alyssa shut her eyes. She didn't want to see the hospital. Maybe for a moment she could pretend she wasn't there. Her mother's SUV was parked at the hospital entrance and Sam was waiting by it. He looked distant, the way he often did back when he was covered in piercings and eyeliner. His eyes were exactly the same. So many days he would eat his lunch by the tree he liked to sit under outside the high school and so many of those days Alyssa would see him. And his eyes were like they were now. Like ice. She didn't know which one she'd rather him be. Cold or completely heartbroken. Both would destroy him eventually.

Colleen put the brakes of her wheelchair on. Sam bent down and stretched out his arms. She held on to him and he walked her to the car, helping her inside. Their arms were pressed against each other. Her hand was dwarfed inside his. But the physical touch seemed empty. She felt nothing from him. He stared out the window expressionlessly. He wasn't there.

Alyssa knew there were other people in the car and that every word of conversation would be heard, but she didn't care. The sadness was welling up inside her and soon she would crack. "Did I do something?" She asked.

He turned his head and looked at her silently.

"Why won't you look at me?" She asked dejectedly.

He was quiet for a moment. "Because it hurts."

"Do you know how much it hurts for me? You don't know how much it hurts to feel your child inside you and then not have that. To feel that emptiness. Do you know how much it hurts to have a father who hits you, who doesn't care about you? You're not the only person hurting here. The least you could do is look at me; pretend you're okay for me."

He didn't look angry at her words. At any other time he would have argued with her. Sam wasn't the type to suppress his anger. But at that moment he didn't lash out at her. He looked breakable, like he was teetering on the edge of a mountain waiting to fall. But not mad.

"I'm sorry." He said in a subdued voice.

It didn't seem like he was promising any change for her. More like an apology for the way he would continue to be. But she was too tired to bring that up. She laid her head on his shoulder and zoned out.

_Alyssa heard distant dance music and saw spinning lights. She looked up into his eyes as they slow danced and he smiled at her. It had been so startling to her that he could still smile after his father died. He wound his arms around her waist and kissed her. _

_She woke up the next morning and he was looking at her lovingly. She pressed her lips against his and let him take her again. _

_And then she was in her father's car, looking out the window longingly. Sam became smaller are smaller and so did her house. _

_Alyssa was at a picnic table reading. Her eyes flickered to a boy walking towards her. She ran so fast and was finally in his arms again. He laughed. _

_She was twined with him in the back seat of his car, his skin damp against hers. His fingers trailed down her back in the afterglow. _

_Her screaming stole her away from his arms and he was on the ground in her father's house. She watched as Richard tried to strangle Sam. She swung the lamp at her father and he fell. And she was in Sam's arms, grateful that she could feel his heart beat against her. That her father hadn't killed him._

_Then there was warmth and she was lying on grass with him. _

_She was on her bed and he lay beside her. His hands were on her belly and she read him names. To most of which he laughed. "You're not naming our kid Lawrence." He said with a smile tugging at the corner of his lips._

_And then they were both laughing as their little Jacob moved around under the skin of her tummy beneath their hands. _

_She heard Sam's slow breaths. She couldn't sleep at first. But then his warmth, the lullaby of his breathing sent her to slumber._

Alyssa must've been on an auto-pilot because when her memories finally faded back into reality she wasn't in her mother's car. Her room looked so foreign to her. Everything did. She didn't recognize anything.

Alyssa didn't remember what her father had done to her. Her memory blacked out at that point. A defense mechanism protecting her from the truth. But from the bruising and pain she knew it must have been horrific. She was glad she didn't remember.

There was an ache inside and it had nothing to do with her physical injuries. She missed her baby. She needed Sam. And he wasn't there. She wondered if he'd ever be there again.

The ice had gotten to him. Somewhere in a white field he was buried under snow. When she brushed the snow off him he was blue. She couldn't thaw his soul.

She couldn't thaw her own.

She closed her eyes and tears slipped out from underneath her eyelids.

It felt like she was in her father's car as he drove her away from her house over the summer. Except this time she was leaving Sam permanently. It hurt to know that even though Sam could be sitting next tomorrow that the distant between them would be infinite.

They would never be happy again. That beautiful smile of his was wiped off his face forever.

Alyssa felt older than her years. Worn out. Tired of breathing.

The sun set outside on calm ocean. The purples and reds a far cry from the color of Alyssa's spirit.

And that dream of living together in a house by the sea with a white picket fence tarnished like the metal of a cheap ring.

**A/N: That concludes part II. To be honest I don't know if I wanna continue this. I have so much work to do right now with finals and research papers due and a part time job. And somehow I manage to squeeze a chapter in here and there. I feel like no one is reading this and that's cool. We can't all be amazing writers and I guess I'm not one of them. I know people have lives outside of . I do too. But seeing fics all around this site that are badly written get tons of reviews is slightly annoying. I did appreciate the few reviews I got in the beginning. Anyway happy holidays. **


	45. No Such Thing As Happy Endings

Part III

Chapter Forty-one

No Such Thing As Happy Endings

It always started the same way. She ran through a sunlit meadow. Her laughter filled the summer air. She beckoned him. Follow me, her eyes said. His heart pounded against his ribs as he went after her. A sense of heady euphoria and alert thrill. He crashed into her, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in the crook of her neck. She sighed contentedly. And then they were on the grass and he was overcome with the desire she triggered inside him. She stared up at him and he lowered his mouth to hers.

Seamlessly he was asleep. And he woke in the meadow. It was dusk and everything was covered in a gray film. He heard deafening cries, her screams ripping through his ears. He grasped the empty air and found in confusion that she wasn't snuggled up in his embrace.

The screams seemed to come from all sides. He didn't know where to go to find her. And then he found her on her knees wearing white. When he got closer he noticed the massive stain of blood on the front of her skirt. The red was all over her legs. She clutched at her stomach. The shrill of her screaming tore through his being and he ran to her. The blood was all over him as he held her. And it flowed and flowed out of her until she couldn't scream anymore.

The ground became uneven under his feet and he looked down. It split along numerous fault lines and rose up in jagged peaks. He left crimson handprints on her arms. The ground quaked and quaked until it finally pulled them apart. She disappeared into the newly created canyon.

Sam could hear his own cries of pain echo as his eyes shot open. Every night since they had come home he had that dream. And it always ended the same way.

He didn't want to sleep anymore. Because that's when the nightmares plagued him. And he hardly slept. He would drift off in class. And finally in his room he would succumb to the exhaustion and fall asleep. And he would dream again. God he wished he couldn't dream. She was all he thought about while he was awake. And all he dreamed about when he was asleep. Once he would've taken pleasure in that. But now anything that reminded him of her, the thought of her was always surrounded by pain.

He was exhausted. His body craved rest. But he wouldn't allow it. Smoking weed and popping some OC's and Vicodins would only remind him more of that. How much he needed to drift away.

So he found a new drug to abuse. He cleared the bedside table of its items, knocking picture frames and empty packs of cigarettes to the floor. He emptied a white powder onto the finished wood of the table top and arranged it into neat little lines and then lowered his head and snorted.

He could only afford a week's worth. And by the end of that week he needed something else to convince him that he was able to feel anything. He used to like how it felt not to feel, but now he would give anything to feel again. To know that he was alive.

He was having dinner with his family and Robin looked at him with concern. He felt her stare and looked at her. "What?"

"You're bleeding."

He went to the bathroom and looked at the little drop of red coming from his nose. He grabbed a hand towel and went to dab at it and was surprised when more blood burst onto the towel.

After a few minutes his mother started to worry. She knocked on the bathroom door."Sam, are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

By then the entire towel was soaked scarlet. He couldn't get his nose to stop bleeding. She opened the door and saw him sitting on the edge of the tub with a terry cloth wet with blood pressed to his face.

"You're not fine."

He slapped the towel down beside him. "I'm just having a nose bleed. It happens to people sometimes. Do you have to freak out about everything?" more blood streamed onto his lips.

"That much bleeding is not normal. There's something wrong."

"It'll stop eventually."

Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Have you been using again?"

"What do you think?" he asked sarcastically.

"Don't talk to me that way. I'm trying to help you."

"All your attempts at helping me failed. So don't."

She felt her eyes grow hot. 'God, Sam. Sometimes you're heartless."

"Nobody ever said I was perfect."

Her voice rose. 'I never expected you to be perfect! I just want you to be happy. I want you to realize how much I love you and I want you to love yourself."

He stood up and attempted to leave, but she blocked his path. His eyes flashed to hers in a hard glare. "Get out of my way." He said in a subdued, cold voice.

She stood her ground, furrowing her brows. "No."

He shoved past her and she was filled with anger and hurt. She turned around and went after him. The front door if the house slammed in her face. She ran outside and watched as his car reversed out into street and shot away with alarming speed.

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He had parked in the local pharmacy's lot. The ash tray in his car was full of still smoldering cigarette butts. But he needed more. He turned on his cell phone to call Corey, ask him if he had any Coke. A message was on the screen. "You have 5 missed calls." The list was all Alyssa's house. He dismissed it and began dialing Corey's number. His phone began to ring. He sighed with irritation and answered.

"Sam?" came Colleen's voice.

"Yes, Mrs. Beck."

"Alyssa wants you to come over."

"I'm not really feeling up to it." He said softly.

"Please. She hasn't been eating or sleeping. Just come over. She was always there for you when you needed it."

He knew she was right. It probably wasn't easy for Alyssa to deal with him when he was upset. But she always had. She was always there trying to pull him out of his misery. The least he owed her was to help her.

"Okay. I'll be over soon."

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Sam opened her bedroom door slowly. Alyssa was sitting up, her head on her knees. She looked ten pounds lighter. He didn't really know what to say. "Hi" wouldn't have been quite enough to bridge the gap between them.

She raised her head and locked eyes with him in a forlorn gaze. She got out of bed and walked up to him, nestling herself into his embrace. He could feel her speak against his chest.

"Do you love me anymore?"

He stroked her hair. "Of course I do."

"Then why don't you wanna be with me? It's because of the scarring. Isn't it? Because I'm not pretty anymore."

"No. wanting someone because of their looks is not love. If that was true then I'd be lying every time I said I love you."

She raised her head and looked up at him. "How do I know you never lied? You could've just that to butter me up into bed."

He stepped back with incredulity. "How you can say that? If I wanted you for a fuck I would've left a long time ago. Why are you being so insecure?"

"Because you haven't spoken to me in a week! You've been acting like I have some deadly contagious disease that you don't want to catch."

"That's not true. You have to understand. Every time I look at you I think of our little boy."

"How do you think it is for me?"

"I just need time, Alyssa. And then I promise you. It'll be the same as before."

"You said that the day I came home. How much time are you gonna need?"

He sighed. "You need time to calm down. I'm gonna go for a drive and I when I come back we'll talk like adults."

"No we won't!" She shouted. "Because you'll say the exact same thing. You'll give me a bunch of bullshit lies about how you don't wanna spend time with me because I remind you of Jacob. But I know it's because you're angry with me. You won't admit it to yourself. But you know you blame me for what happened."

'What the fuck are you talking about? I don't blame you for anything."

She pointed in his face. "Yes you do. Every time I look at you I know."

"What you did was stupid. You put yourself in harm's way when you knew there was more than just your safety at stake. But it was my fault. I should've come home with you that day. So when Amanda called I could've told you not to go."

"So now I'm an idiot who can't make up decisions on her own?"

"You know that's not what I mean."

"Just…just get out. I change my mind. I don't wanna see you."

He stormed out and slammed her bedroom door. He'd convinced himself to go to her even though it was eating him up inside, even though it was like swimming against a current. And for what? So she could yell at him? He started to understand why his parents divorced. If every day was going to be like this he didn't know if he wanted to be with her anymore. She was right when she was unsure about them getting married. About her being the one for him. How could he have been so naïve? The first girl he fell in love with being the one? It was completely foolish.

But at the same time it was perfect. She was everything he'd ever want in a lover. She was his best friend. She knew every secret he kept. She knew every story. She was there when everything fell apart. She was there when it came back together. And she was the only person who could make him feel young again. Like a worriless child. Like the child he had always wanted to be but never got the chance to be.

And now it was all gone. As much as he told himself, told her that it would be the same; he knew it wouldn't. It would never be the same. They could never love like that again. Because they'd be waiting for something to show up and destroy their lives again.

Nothing would ever be the same.


	46. Alive Again

**A/N: rated M for sexuality**

Part III

Chapter Forty-two

Alive Again

Pure cocaine was expensive. Sure Sam was a rich kid. Well, his step dad was loaded anyway. But he himself couldn't really afford it. And he didn't really want to slight his mother by stealing Peter's money. The shithead deserved it, but Robin had endured enough from him.

Besides there were other ways to convince himself he could still feel. The serrated edge of the kitchen knife dug into the skin of his inner arm and he bit his lips, closing his eyes. Seeping ruby liquid met metal. He exhaled in release and then started again. And again. And again.

He wrapped an ace bandage around his arm and washed the knife.

His phone rang endlessly. And the still number was repeatedly displayed. Alyssa's. Sam's mouth set in a thin line and he furrowed his brows. Didn't she say she didn't want to see him? By the tenth time it rang he had enough and shut it off.

He took his cobalt blue bowl out of his bedside drawer, putting some weed at the end and raising his lighter to it. Before anything could happen his bedroom door opened. Alyssa stood over the threshold, her face twisted in anger as she saw what he was doing.

"You're disgusting. You sit here on your little joyride while I have to be all alone."

He set his things aside and frowned at her. "You think I'm happy?"

"Forget it. I'll go back home. I don't want to look at your fucking lying face." She turned on her heel and ran back downstairs.

He went after her. "What do you want? You came here to tell me something. Tell me."

"Nevermind, okay?"

He blocked her. "No we're gonna talk. For real this time."

Her voice was soft. 'What is it gonna matter? It won't fix anything."

He raised his hand to her face, running his thumb over her cheek. "Tell me."

Her eyes glazed over with tears. She grasped his arm and tried to pull it away. She felt rough fabric under her touch and looked at the bloodied bandaging on his arm. Her walls went right back up. "Oh my god. You fucking bastard." She pushed him away and stormed out.

It was pouring outside. He followed her into the torrential storm. "I'm sorry!"

She whipped around, her hair drenched and plastered to her. "I'm sick of your sorry's! They don't mean anything!"

'Alyssa come back inside."

"Fuck off!" She opened her car door and went to go inside.

He got hold of her arm. "Just talk to me."

"Let go of me." She tugged.

"No!"

Her face reddened. She slapped him so hard his head sprung sideways from the impact.

He was shocked at first. She began to turn around to leave, but he caught her forcefully."No! Look at me!" he thundered.

'Let go of me you psycho!" She struggled.

He tightened his grip on her wrists and pulled her face to face with him. "Look at me!" he shook her.

The slightest terror shone in her blue eyes. And then she stopped struggling. Her voice was quiet. "Please don't hurt me."

He loosened his hold on her and his face was suddenly sad. "Oh god. I…what did I just do?"

Tears rained down on her face.

The sight broke his heart. If it could break anymore. He drew her up in his arms. She was unmoving. Afraid.

"You thought I was going to hit you? I'll never hurt you." He laid his head atop hers.

She whispered. "You already have."

He was silent. One more person he had hurt. That seemed to be his job in life. To completely decimate everyone around him. "Let's go inside. You'll catch a cold."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x—x-x

Alyssa was lying on her stomach in his bed, her face buried in his pillow. He trailed his hand down her back. "I'm sorry."

She turned her face so her cheek was resting on the linens. "Don't touch me."

He lay down beside her, mirroring her body and gazing into her eyes. "I'll stop using."

"How can I believe a word you say? You've relapsed twice. You'll start again."

"Because you're more important to me than drugs."

She looked irritated. "But they're a close second."

"No. Just give me a chance. I love you."

"You've overused that phrase so much that it doesn't mean anything to me anymore."

He tried to mask the disappointment he felt. "Do you…are you thinking about breaking up?"

"I don't know." She whispered emotionlessly.

"I know you're angry with me. With good reason. I've been an asshole. But no matter what I do or don't do, just know that I love you."

"I want to believe you." She got up. "I'm warm now."

For the first time in two weeks Sam felt his eyes well up. He blinked the tears away."Don't go."

She walked to the bedroom door and reached out to turn the knob. He laid a hand on her arm gently. "Please stay."

She faced him, looking up into his eyes calmly. "It just doesn't feel the way it used to. Being with you doesn't."

"Is there anything I could do to change that?" he asked sadly.

She looked at her feet. "I don't know."

Sam cupped her cheek and raised her face so his eyes could lock with hers. "I would do anything."

"No you wouldn't."

"Yes. I would. Just tell me." He stroked her cheek. "You have no idea how much I love you."

She wouldn't speak and she refused to look at him.

"I know you miss Jakey a lot." His voice was impossibly soft. "When you're better do you wanna try again?"

She looked up into his eyes with a fragile expression. "We're so young."

He stepped a little closer to her, speaking at a low, quiet octave. "I know you want it. It's a lot of responsibility. It's not easy." He laid his palm across her belly. "But I know you need another baby to fill that emptiness."

She covered his hand with both of hers and let the tears fall from her pretty blue eyes.

He wiped the little droplets from her face. "Please don't cry."

The rivers continued to flow. He kissed the salty trails. He buried his hands in her hair and pressed his lips to hers. She leaned into him and he felt the small of her back underneath the tips of his fingers.

He parted her lips with his and deepened the kiss. The tears that seeped underneath the long tapered fingers stroking her face stopped falling. He pulled his mouth from hers and feathered kisses down her neck.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"It's okay." She breathed, arching her neck and burying her fingers in the dark tufts of his hair, her hips pressing into his.

He moaned softly against her skin and pinned her to the wall, kissing her more insistently this time. He raised her leg and draped it around his waist. She sighed into his mouth and began unbuttoning her blouse. When it was a heap of fabric on the carpet, Sam hoisted her onto himself, gripping her thighs.

He lay her down on his mattress gently. His hands delved up her skirt and he pulled down her panties. She sat up, a subdued gasp slipping past her lips as the ridge of his jeans brushed her between her legs. Her lips crashed onto his and he undid her bra, cupping her breasts. She whimpered and pulled his shirt over his head urgently.

When they were both undressed he lay his body over hers and brushed the hair away from her face.

"You sure about this? Are you ready to try to make another baby?" He asked, running his thumb back and forth over her rosy cheek.

She closed her eyes so her lashes fanned out over her still pretty face. The fading scars could do nothing to take away from her soft beauty. She trailed a hand down his spine. 'Give me another child, Sam."

He covered her mouth with his, feathering searing hot kisses across her face. He was still, burying his face in the silky expanse of her hair. He placed his palm over hers, twining her fingers with his. And then he was inside her. She moaned sharply and wrapped her arms around him. He breathed unevenly and kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, and her lips. Her nails dug into his back as he started to make slow love to her, rocking his hips into hers gently.

She smiled faintly as he shut his eyes and parted his lips, the look of complete euphoria washing over his features. His brows furrowed as the rhythm of their lovemaking picked up. She arched into him and he cradled her head in his hands. "I love you." He said huskily. Little droplets of sweat beaded along his brow line as he fought not come. It was near impossible not to empty himself into her at the first moment of their joining. She raked his back and cried out softly and he moved inside her a few more times before coming himself. He quivered against her and pulled her on top of himself. He smiled when she whispered. "I love you too."

An hour later when the sun was lower in the sky and Sam's room was the color of dusk Alyssa lay asleep in his arms. He ran his hands up and down her smooth, bare back. It had been so long since they'd been intimate. There had been so much going on. He would've thought she wanted to be as far away from him as possible. But she let him make love to her. And it seemed to quiet that sorrow that filled her being.

Soon he fell asleep himself. And for the first night in weeks he didn't have any nightmares. Only images of her peaceful face spanned across his dreaming mind.

_Hold me up and don't let go  
I've had enough  
I'm tired of breathing  
Tired of feeling  
Tired of looking at the past for meaning  
Tired of running  
Tired of searching  
Tired of trying  
But I'm not tired of you_

_Losing everything  
It's something I can't face  
Hope is on the run  
It's something I can't fake_

_I want to feel a change  
I don't mind if it hurts  
You take away the pain  
You're the only thing that's pure_

The flame that had seemed to be blown out in both of them was starting to glow again. Barely even there, embers on a smoking wick. But glowing. And Sam was starting to have hope that they could move past the tragedy in their lives. Nothing would ever erase their loss. But he had the faintest inkling that they could put themselves back together again. And it made him content for the first time in weeks.

_I've had enough  
I'm tired of breathing  
Tired of feeling  
Tired of looking at the past for meaning  
Tired of running  
Tired of searching  
Tired of trying  
But I'm not tired of you _

_I'm not tired of you…_

Tired of You-The Exies


	47. Mended Fences

Part III

Chapter Forty-three

Mended Fences

The golden light of morning washed over the two sleeping figures, casting an ethereal glow over their bare flesh. Sam's black curls were plastered to his forehead and the fringe of his long dark lashes fanned out over his milky white face. Alyssa's eyes fluttered open. She reveled in the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms. He held her in such a fashion that said he owned her. Not in a possessive dominant way. Just that she belonged to him and he didn't want to let her go. He enveloped her in a manner that told her how much he loved her even if he didn't say it.

Alyssa shifted, turning around so she was facing him. Her fingers traced the features of his face. His closed eyes, his brow. She teased his full lips open and pressed a soft kiss against them. She felt his drowsy groan against her mouth. He pulled away and opened his eyes languidly and then a faint goofy smile spread out across his face. "Hi." He whispered sweetly.

She traced patterns over his chest and smiled back at him. "Hi." She said softly.

"I haven't slept this well in ages."

She pecked him on the lips. "Neither have I."

He grinned playfully and buried his hands in her hair, bringing her face to his. He captured her lips in a deep kiss. He moaned contentedly when she twined her legs around his waist and pressed her hips into his. Their lips moved in a feverish pace against each other. Without breaking the kiss he pinned her. When she arched into him he sighed into her mouth. Their lips moved across each other more lazily and he pulled away, his eyes half lidded. He looked down at her. "We have at least an hour until everyone wakes up. Do you wanna give it another go?"

She giggled. "You make it sound so mechanical and dry."

He smirked. "Fine. Do you wanna make love again?"

"Of course."

He began feathering kisses down her neck. Soon his lips pressed kisses between her breasts. As euphoric as it was she spoke. "Wait."

He raised his head from his ministrations and propped himself on his elbows. "What?"

"I don't know about this."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you honestly think it's a good idea for me to be pregnant again? I mean when I'm so young? When it was an accident it was a different story. But now that we have a choice, should we go through with it again? Last time my mom, your mom, they wanted to kill us. If we make that mistake again they'll disown us."

He looked slightly irritated. "It's not a mistake." He paused, his face softening in sadness. 'Jacob was not a mistake. And any other babies we make won't be."

She stroked his face. "I'm not saying they will be. It's just not the best time."

He was silent. "You don't want it, then."

She trailed a hand down his back slowly. "Of course I do. There's nothing I would want more than to have your children." She brushed a stray curl out of his face. "Just later when we're older and know what we're doing. Let's be teenagers. We'll only be young once."

The look on his face broke her heart a little. He looked pensive for a moment.

She spoke softly in realization. "_You_ want it. Last night you told me that Jake left a void and that I needed to fill that void with another baby. But the truth is that _you_ want it."

He looked at her with the slightest shame. "Is that selfish?"

She smiled. "No. it's…sweet…. Stupid considering you're a teenage boy. But sweet regardless. It's how I know you really love me."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I tried to force the idea on you."

"Don't apologize."

He rolled off her and sat up, the linens draped across his lap. There was an awkward silence. "I guess we can go and have breakfast."

"Yeah." She stepped out of bed, completely bare and Sam took pleasure in watching her body. She looked beautiful. Her belly was slightly more rounded than it had been naturally. Her body hadn't completely readjusted itself back to normal yet, the ghost of their son still marking her. But she looked angelic. She slipped back into her clothes. She stared at his still undressed form. "Aren't you coming?"

"Sure. I'll be down soon. Just pop some toaster strudels in the toaster oven for me."

She smiled. "Will do."

Sam bowed his head a little, his elbows on his raised knees. It was unbelievably sunny in his daydream. Alyssa's back was to him, her long sequined skirt billowing around her in the beach wind. He saw little bare feet intermingled with hers. She turned around and a boy of no more than three with a wild head of black hair appeared. He flashed a toothless grin at the sight of Sam. Alyssa bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear. He ran as fast as his little legs could carry him. Sam knelt down and caught him.

"Daddy." He said happily and Sam's heart melted. He scooped the little boy up and swayed him in the air. His giggles filled the sunny afternoon.

Sam realized that the corners of his eyes were wet. No more daydreaming of things that could have been, he decided. He put his clothes on and walked downstairs where Alyssa was preparing breakfast. She looked almost happy. She noticed him silently standing by the kitchen. She smiled. "There you are."

She got some plates out of the dishwasher. She jumped when she felt his arms wind around her from behind. She turned around and looked him in the eyes with a smile. "You scared me."

"Sorry." He said softly. He cupped her face and brushed his lips across hers slowly.

She pulled away and smirked. "Our breakfast's getting cold."

"Funny. Last night you couldn't get your hands off me."

"Last night I wasn't starving."

He propped her up on the countertop and wound her legs around his waist. "Don't make excuses."

"Sam! Your parents could totally catch us."

"I don't really give a shit." He started feathering kisses down her neck.

She buried her fingers in his hair. 'Sam." She whispered.

He pressed his lips to her jaw line. "Shhhhh."

"Don't shush me."

He raised his head out of the hollow of her neck and locked eyes with her. "Don't worry, we're not going to have sex. At least not without protection."

Her face was serious. "It's a little late for preventative measures. We already slept together. And we didn't use anything."

He smiled. "Relax. You're not pregnant. Yet."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Bio 101. It takes three days to actually get knocked up. So you have time to run out and get the morning after pill."

"I thought you were going to get me to change my mind."

"I'd like it if you did. Maybe not go to the pharmacy and let nature take its course." He stroked her cheek. "But we already talked about that. And I respect your decision not to want to."

"Are you sure? You're sure that you're not just being a guy and covering up your feelings? You're not mad at me?"

"I don't have a right to feel anything other than gratitude that you're alive and with me."

She smiled. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now let's go and eat. Sleeping with you made me very hungry."

She giggled and swatted him on the arm.

The truth was that Sam was disappointed by Alyssa's sudden change of heart. And it bothered him a lot more than he let on. But she had been through more than anyone should have to deal with, especially so young. She deserved to live out any of the childlike innocence she still had. And she had said she wanted to be with him in the future. So they had all the time in the world to be parents. As much as there was an aching and longing inside Sam to replace what they'd lost he wouldn't sacrifice her happiness to fill that void. She was beginning to be what he never thought she would be again. Happy. And he couldn't ruin that. Because more than anything, more than his own happiness, more than children. More than all that she deserved to be happy and innocent again. And he would do anything to make sure she was. Even if he ignored all his own wants and needs. He had been so selfish for so long. It was time to put someone else's needs before his. And there was no one he was willing to do that more for than her.


	48. I Can't Forget

_Part III_

_Chapter Forty-four_

_I Can't Forget_

_It was a cool night and an infinite amount of stars spotted the clear navy sky. A scene of calm set against the broken spirit of the boy in her arms. Alyssa stroked the unruly mess of his dark hair. He had stopped shaking and she felt his soft mouth on her collar bone. Feverish puffs of breath settled on her skin. Even though Alyssa was worried about Sam and unhappy about his sadness she felt the slightest hint of pleasure at the closeness of him in her embrace._

_At eleven Alyssa had already had a few boyfriends. She'd even been kissed by one or two. She never imagined she'd ever see him in that light. They'd known each other since they were tiny. He should've felt more like a brother to her. But he didn't. _

_He knew everything about her. Too much. What music she liked to listen to. What her favorite flavor of ice cream was, her favorite color. He knew that when she concentrated a bit too deeply her chin would become dimpled and that her left ankle was weaker than her right from spraining it so many times. He knew that she was most ticklish not on her tummy or her sides but on her inner arms and that because he knew that he would tickle her mercilessly there. She remembered with amusement and perhaps even a bit of remorse that during one particularly torturous round of tickling she kneed him in the crotch. He curled up into a ball on the grass and made high pitched whiny noises. _

_She couldn't really laugh about it now. It seemed that the moments of absolute hilarity and bliss they shared had become few and far in between. And it was about more than just Sam's separated parents. Or how out of place he felt at his step father's house. It was because of his feelings for her. She knew that he was smitten with her. That would normally make a person joyous. But he was afraid to tell her. He didn't need to. She already knew. And somehow he was unaware of that. And he was terrified of telling her. He didn't want it to be awkward between them afterwards. At the same time, though it was causing him distress. Because there was nothing he wanted more than to tell her, than to feel her kiss on his mouth._

_She heard a faint whisper. "Thank you." _

_Alyssa pulled his head out of the hollow of her neck. His face was ruddy and his eyes swollen. She stroked his cheek. "Anytime you need me, I'm here for you."_

_He managed a weak smile. "Thanks. I'm…I'm sorry about burning your dolls."_

_She giggled. "I'm too old for that stuff. You did me a favor."_

"_It was mean."_

"_Don't say sorry for being hilarious. I have a lot of fun with you."_

_He looked shy at that moment. Even in the dark of night she could see the blush rising on his cheeks. Normally Sam had a sarcastic witty answer for everything but she seemed to have struck him silent. His voice was barely above a whisper. He seemed embarrassed to speak as if he was giving away his deepest secret. "I have fun with you too."_

_The sound of crashing waves filled the absence of speech. Alyssa ran her thumb over his cheek. He locked eyes with her in a heady gaze. Their faces impossibly close. So close that she could see the cracks and slivered lines in the blue-green irises of his eyes. _

"_I've never noticed how pretty your eyes are." She said quietly._

"_I've always known how pretty yours are." He whispered. It was cheesy, but coming from him erased all the corniness of the statement._

_She smiled. "You think I'm pretty?"_

"_Are you blind?" There was that biting sarcasm again. "You're beautiful."_

_She laughed and tilted her head and pressed her lips against his. He was still. Then she felt him relax into the kiss as he sighed softly against her mouth. His fingers played with the wisps of hair at the nape of her neck. He was inexperienced but the movement of his lips across hers made her lips tingle and her pulse beat in every part of her. His fingertips ran in a horizontal line across her the rise of her collarbone. She buried her hand in the spiky tufts of his black hair. She pulled away and looked his shut eyes. He opened them slowly. His palm was still rested over the insistent beating of her heart. He blushed furiously and she felt his hand start to leave the skin over her sternum. She blanketed his hand with hers and lay it back over her chest._

"_No." She whispered. "I like it."_

"_Alyssa…I need to tell you something."_

_She smiled. "What?"_

"_I think I might l.."_

_The sound of his voice was interrupted by colleen's call. 'Alyssa! Where in the world are you?" her bedroom light turned on._

"_Crap!" She yelled. The fluttering under his palm was suddenly absent, filled with only air. _

"_Wait."_

_She looked at his confused face. "I've gotta go. We'll talk later."_

_Of course the next time they talked about their feelings Alyssa had allowed her fear of being disliked, her want to fit in, and the incessant lecturing from her friends convince her that she didn't like him. Not like that. Somewhere in her head she knew it was a lie. She cared for him more than any of the boys she'd ever gone out with. _

Six years later she had that debate in her head again as she lay in bed beside him. She loved him much more now. But it was beginning to become an uphill battle. As much as he placated her and told her he was fine, that he was happy she knew he was lying. He was good at deceiving others. Not her though. She saw right through his lies. Especially when she caught his gaze in the silent stretches of time before words were spoken. His eyes always gave away his secrets.

In a mirror movement of the night under the stars she placed her palm, fingers spread out over the warm, bare skin over his heart. He smiled gently with eyes still closed.

"I love you." He whispered.

She pecked his lips and he sighed contentedly, draping his arm over her. He pulled her into his embrace and savored the feeling of her head tucked under his chin and her soft body pressed against his. She kissed his throat and he traced a path up her spine.

Things were not resolved. But she let it slide. She wanted to enjoy the moment with him. It was one of the only times he wasn't distressed.

"If I wasn't so freaking exhausted I would totally do you again." He said sleepily.

"Cuddling is almost as good."

He smiled and ran his fingers through her silky hair. "Almost." She felt the backs of his fingers stroke her shoulder blade and come to rest over the small of her back. "There's nothing quite like being inside you, though."

"Well rest up and maybe we can make love a few more times before the sun rises."

"Stop waking me then."

"Oh you were already awake. Stop blaming your sudden inability to sleep like a rock on me."

She felt his faint laugh against her.

When the smile melted off her face she noticed that his breaths were slower. She lifted her head and his features were soft and relaxed. He had fallen asleep.

She tucked herself back into his embrace.

He didn't wake before the sun rose. He slept through their last chance to fool around before everyone else in the house got up. But she didn't care. He looked sweet when he slept. Any trace of hurt and pain vanished from his face.

When her eyes fluttered open from a peaceful sleep Alyssa noticed that the warmth of his body against hers was gone. She sat up and looked around her room. He had pulled her dresser chair up to the window. She gazed at his profile, pretty in the morning sun. He looked wistful.

"Sam?"

"Good morning." He said softly, turning his head to face her, a faint smile on his face. He looked downhearted.

"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly.

He smiled, but it never reached his eyes. "Yeah. Just tired."

"Don't lie to me. Tell me what's bothering you."

The sun washed over his features as he turned his face back toward the light. "Haven't you had enough of that?"

"No. Never. I love you."

"I love you too."

A few moments of silence weaved in and out between them. Alyssa got out of bed and walked towards where Sam was sitting. He had something in his hand. She kneeled before him and lay her hand over his. She heard his breathing hitch and his body tremble in response. She turned his hand over and saw what he was holding. A dark picture with splotches of gray color, the silhouetted profile of a tiny face.

"Oh Sam."

He ran his thumb over the blurry cheek and the tiny nose.

She rose up off the ground and settled herself into his lap. His eyes glittered with unshed tears. She kissed his forehead and tucked his head under her chin.

"As soon as we get a place of our own, I promise you we'll have as many kids as you want." She stroked the tousled black tufts of his hair comfortingly.

She felt him quiver against her. "I felt Jacob under my hands. He was real and I loved him. I'll never see him smile or call me daddy."

"I miss him too. But we'll have so many chances later."

"It doesn't change what's happened." He said quietly.

"No. No it doesn't. I'm sorry. But I'm here for you."

"You shouldn't be. I know you're hurting too. All I've thought about this past month is myself. _I_ should be comforting _you_."

She cupped his face and locked eyes with him. "Don't ever apologize for your feelings. I want you to feel. I don't want you to be that cold person you were a year ago."

"It's better not to feel."

"No it's not." She placed her palm over his heart and brought her face close to his. "Would you rather not feel this?"

"No."

She pressed her mouth against his. His hands found their way into the tangled mess of her auburn hair and he kissed her softly. Then he laid his head on her chest and felt her heart beat against his cheek. She stroked his hair consolingly. And like six years ago under a canopy of stars his tears wet the skin of her collarbone.

Some things never changed.


	49. Without You

Part III

Chapter Forty-five

Without You

I forgot  
To tell you  
I love you  
And the night's  
Too long  
And cold here  
Without you  
I grieve in my condition  
For I cannot find the strength to say I need you so

Oh and every time I'm close to you  
There's too much I can't say  
And you just walk away

Sarah Mclachlan-I love you

Two of the worst things had happened to Sam within a year of each other. It was difficult dealing with one death. But two…

He hadn't been the same since Alyssa's father almost killed her. Since they'd lost their baby.

He had been remarkably resilient after George died. For the first couple of months it was hard waking up in the morning. It hurt to function. But slowly and surely the smile that had been gone for so long made its way back onto his face.

There was no way he could recover from this tragedy, though.

The school bell rang. Officially the first day of Thanksgiving break. Students scurried through the hallways laughing. They couldn't wait to get together with their friends.

Sam was probably the only one who walked the hallways that day. Everyone else ran out. But he walked.

Alyssa told him to wait for her in the parking lot. He left a message on her cell phone. He wasn't going to wait.

Cemeteries weren't the way they were portrayed in horror films. They were beautiful and serene. It was a cloudless day. The hum of passing cars purred against Sam's supine figure on the grass. His hands were limp and a see through orange plastic bottle rolled out of his fingers. There was one solitary pill left. He could barely feel the ground underneath him and his head felt disconnected. His breathing was slow. His eyes fluttered closed.

In his head he was under the water again. George was too. He smiled at Sam. And then George became expressionless. His feet started turning to sand. He collapsed into dust, disappearing on the ocean floor. Sam was alarmed. He reached for the sand and dug at it. Then it turned to quicksand and Sam sunk. He heard a girl calling him.

Hands on his face, his arm. "Sam!"

His eyelids were so heavy. He opened them and the light hurt his eyes. Alyssa was bent over him with alarm. Her makeup was running down her face.

She took the bottle and read it. 'How many did you take?" her voice sounded distant.

She shook him roughly. "How many?"

He couldn't really lift his hand to show her with his fingers. "Fif…fifteen."

"Oh God." She lifted him into her arms. She stroked his face. "Stay with me."

He could barely keep his eyes open. His eyelids hung heavily, but his blue-green irises were still visible. He managed with difficulty to raise his hand to her face, running his fingers over her cheek. "Don't…don't cry." He said softly. "It's okay."

"Don't leave me, please." She sobbed. "I love you."

His eyes looked distant…like he was drifting off into another world. He smiled weakly. "I love you too."

"Sam. Don't you do that. Don't you give up." Her voice faltered.

"I love you." He whispered. His breathing was dangerously slow.

"No. You're supposed to be with me forever. You're supposed to marry me and give me lots of babies."

He frowned at the last part. Tears slipped out from the corner of his eyes. "Maybe I'll get to meet Jakey."

"Sam…we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. A big family, white picket fence…remember?"

He smiled faintly…for only a moment. Then it faded from his face. His hand left her cheek. His eyes fluttered and rolled back into his head. They shut, thick black lashes fanned out on a beautifully handsome face. He went limp in her arms, his head hung.

She shook him. "Sam!" she laid her palm against his chest and felt the faint beat of his heart. "Stay with me." She pulled him up and kissed his lips. She placed his head on her lap and dialed 911 on her cell phone, barely able to get words out.

"Please…my boyfriend overdosed. He's dying. Please."

She ran her fingers through his hair and her tears dropped onto his face. "Sam." She hiccupped. A sort of gasp. "I love you." She could barely feel his heart beat anymore. And his chest had stopped expanding with breath.

Her sobs wracked her body. She could hardly hear the sirens of the ambulance. She drew him into her arms so his hair brushed her cheek. He was still warm. _He was still warm_.

She held his body tight enough to hers to break his ribs. She closed her eyes and pretended that he wasn't dying. That he was lying in bed with her after they'd made love. That he wasn't responding to her because he was tired. That he was just sleeping. That sweet angelic expression of peace on his face as he slept.

She inhaled the scent of him, running her hands up and down his back. "I love you." She whispered.

She didn't see the paramedics rushing over.

She couldn't hear them. All she felt was the dying man in her arms. The fairytale had ended. He had tried to rescue her. Her Knight tried to rescue her. But he couldn't. He destroyed himself trying to save her. And she knew that no kiss or magical potion would wake him.

And then they pulled him from her arms. She screamed. All she could hear was the sound of her own screaming. And the sound became distant as her world faded to black.

He grew up in her memories. A six year old boy ripping her pillow to shreds, the feathers snowing down onto them. Her own laughter as she danced in it.

His smiling face at her eleventh birthday party. He was starting to grow into his looks. He managed to look handsome wearing that stupid conical birthday hat.

His lips on hers, flesh meeting flesh in the shower.

Prom.

The look on his face in the pharmacy when she showed him the First Response test.

His hands constantly over her tummy. That spirit warming laugh of his.

Sobbing into her hospital gown.

His weeping blended into a hum of sound as Alyssa's memories faded away. The last of him gone from her.

"I love you." His voice echoed in a whisper in her mind. "I…love…you."


	50. Goodbye My Almost Lover

Part III

Chapter Forty-Six

Good-bye My Almost Lover

The doctor eyes gave Alyssa a silent ok to go and see Sam. He nodded gently and Alyssa slipped into his room without a sound. Sam looked dead and she couldn't breathe for a second.

For that span of time between when she dialed 911 and when the paramedics came she believed he was going to die. He had stopped breathing, she remembered. His heart beat had become so feather light, so faint that she was absolutely sure he was going to die. And at that moment she wished she had agreed to try for another baby, because if he died, at least she'd always have that part of him with her.

She didn't need to worry about that anymore. At least not until he tried to kill himself again.

Alyssa sat in the chair by his bedside and took his hand in hers, kissing the pale white knuckles. Against her own control warm tears wet his hand. She flattened his palm against her cheek. "How could you do this to me?"

"What is it gonna take for you to be happy? I'll do anything. What do you want?"

She was talking to air. She laid her head over his chest, the streams from her eyes soaking the faded fabric of the hospital garment. Alyssa was saddened, but the scent of him, his warmth, the steady pulse against her ear brought her some comfort. "I love you."

After a few moments of stillness she felt his body shift underneath hers. His arms closed around her and she heard him groan softly.

"Alyssa." He said sleepily.

She raised her head and covered his mouth with hers forcefully. He kissed her back softly. When she pulled her face away and looked at him with tears in her eyes he could only whisper a subdued "Hi." He smiled feebly.

She furrowed her brows. Her eyes looked so distant. He took her hand in his. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not. If you had actually felt bad about it you wouldn't have done it."

He reached forward to touch her face. She pulled away. "Do you realize how much you mean to me? You probably do. But it's such a guy thing to not care. To do whatever you feel like doing even when it affects more than just you. "

"Alyssa…"

"I know you'll try it again. I don't know if I wanna be around for that. This time I do the leaving. NO ONE is leaving me."

Sam wrapped his arms around her. She was still. "I'm not leaving you."

"You know sometimes I wonder what my life would've been like if I'd stayed with Josh." She knew it was a stab in the heart for Sam to hear her say that, but his lack of consideration for her made her feel less guilty.

He pulled away and looked into her eyes with that rejected gaze she was slowly growing tired of. His words surprised her, though.

"Your life would be much easier. Your friends would still like you. You'd still be popular and none of the things that have happened in the past few months would've happened. You'd be perfectly innocent. The way I love seeing you. The reason I fell in love with in the first place. You were so different than me. So much the same, but so different. We both felt abandoned by our dads. But you moved on. You became stronger. You never let that little emptiness inside you take away your energy, your happiness. I was weak. I let it haunt me. But no matter what, your innocence could make me forget how fucked up I was. I'm sorry I took that away from you."

Her lip quivered and she bit it in an attempt to suppress her urge to sob. "Just because a person chooses not to let bad things bring them down doesn't mean they're innocent. I was jaded the moment you met me all those years ago. I chose not to let it destroy me." She couldn't look at him so instead she focused on her hands. "You didn't take my innocence from me. You gave it back to me. But you're dying, Sam. Slowly. It's going to take one more time, one more attempt and you'll be dead. I don't wanna be there when it happens. When you're good, you're really good. You're sweet and funny. You're everything a girl could want." She paused. "When you told me last year that your feelings would be too much for me to handle, that they would scare me…you were right. You go into these deep depressions and I feel like you're hanging by a thread and it'll snap any second. I should've listened to you. When you told me to leave you alone. When you were mean to me when I tried to approach I should've listened to you."

He laid his palm over the top of her hand. "Don't regret us. Your life would be easy if you chose Josh. But it'd be empty. Because deep down you know and you knew that he didn't even remotely love you. You were an accessory to him, just like his nice car. Another girl would catch his stare. Someone prettier. He'd find some pretty little slut and he'd drop you in a second, Alyssa."

"Don't act like I was some naïve defenseless little girl. I was using him just as much as he was using me."

He raised her hand to his face, running his mouth over her knuckles in that knee weakening way of his. She tried to tune out the fact that every nerve in her body was on fire for him, tried to distract herself from the fact that she could feel her heart beat in her ears, and that she felt that hum, that aching need in the base of her belly that begged to be full of him.

He had been so adorably sexually inexperienced when she started flirting with him. If she wasn't so sad she would've laughed at the fact that he came after they'd only been kissing for a few seconds. He had pretended to be so tough. It was really just a cover up for how awkward he was, how shy he was. But as soon as he gained a little confidence he used that newfound ability to make her lose herself with him. He kissed her, touched her in just the right places to make her throw out her vows of abstinence. Every girl lied to themselves and said they wouldn't let a guy screw them until they were sure that that guy was committed to them. Alyssa wanted to get laid by him even before they'd kissed. So naturally any last dregs of free will, of chastity flew right out the window as soon as soon as he had touched her.

She cupped his face and locked her eyes with his. "You're like a fallen angel. You're so beautiful. But you're so broken. I was stupid to think I could save you."

He dropped his gaze, his lashes fanned out, a few lines between his brows. "You're breaking up with me." He stated it as fact because he knew beyond a doubt she was calling it quits. Even after all they'd been through together.

She nodded wordlessly. "I'll never love anybody the way I love you, as much as I loved you. But I have to start thinking about myself. I deserve better." The rational part of her told her this. But her bruised heart wanted him still.

He saw that. "You still want me. Stay with me."

'What I want is very different from what I need, what's good for me."

'Alyssa." He pleaded silently.

"Accept it. Don't make this any harder for me than it already is."

He covered her mouth with his and kissed her deeply, burying his hand in her soft hair. When the lightheadedness made him dizzy and his heart hammered against his ribs she broke the kiss. He rested his head in the hollow of her neck, feathering kisses over her collarbone. "I love you."

She rested her cheek over the tousled black hair on the top of his head, her eyes closed. "I love you too." The tears fell so easily.

He looked at her dejectedly. "Please don't do this."

She stroked his hair and pressed her lips against his forehead, breathing him in. Then she walked out of the room.

Sam stared speechlessly at the door for a few moments. Then he raised his knees, his head cradled by them and wept.


	51. I've Sunk So Low

**Rated M for explicit sex**

Part III

Chapter Forty-seven

I've Sunk So Low

Sam had come so far in the span of a year. A few cracks in his life however sent him right back to the beginning like a rewind button. Every accomplishment erased. George would probably roll over in his grave. But Sam stopped giving a shit a few days after Alyssa left him.

Now there was nothing he wouldn't do to escape. Even if it meant whoring himself out to gay pedophiles. Last time he ran. But this time there was no police car to scare him out of his senses.

The man knew he was scared. He almost felt bad for the kid. Not enough to let him off easy, of course. He had a few OC's that he charitably let the boy take. He even waited until Sam was at the peak of his high.

The man was unusually gentle with him. Normally he would fuck his teenaged whores roughly. They rarely left without bruises.

But something in Sam's eyes convinced him otherwise. He looked at the man with an empty stare like there was nothing that he could do to him that hadn't been done before. That he couldn't go any lower than he was.

The man didn't have too many preferences, just that the boys he screwed had to be younger than 20 and not horribly ugly.

Sam was possibly the most beautiful he'd ever seen. There was something quite childlike about him. He had the strong jaw line, broad shoulders, and looming height of a MAN, no doubt.

But his face alone looked about fourteen. And he was slightly androgynous, so thin and graceful looking. His features were delicate, a fringe of thick, long lashes around wide set eyes. His nose wasn't crooked, but a bit slight and rounded at the tip. There wasn't even a hint of stubble. He probably couldn't even grow a mustache.

And he had the prettiest lips that the man had ever seen on a boy, lush and full. He belonged in an editorial fashion magazine somewhere along the lines of Vogue. But he was even too pretty for that. He'd make all the wiry male models look like they had gotten a vicious beating with an ugly stick.

And this graying middle aged man had the luck, the privilege to fuck him. Maybe if this suburban town wasn't so straight-laced and conservative, so right wing he'd take the boy as his lover. Something in the boy's eyes told him otherwise. Even through the high he could see that the boy was not doing this willingly. So maybe if he was gentle with him he would have the privilege of fucking him on a regular basis, convince him not to take other clients.

Sam's eyelids were heavy. He closed them and braced himself and tried not to think about what was going to happen to him in a few minutes. He felt the bile rise up in his throat as the man lifted his oversized t-shirt and pulled over his head, his finger's brushing Sam's skin as he did so. His mouth swept over the base of Sam's throat and Sam facial features twisted as he tried not to scream. The man's aftershave smelled expensive and made Sam more nauseous. He kissed Sam, prying his mouth open and forcing his tongue inside.

He was stoned, but even that couldn't him forget, ignore what was taking place. A tear slipped out from beneath his lashes.

The man felt the warm liquid under his thumb and pulled away. "Kid, you're making this difficult for me. Now stop crying. I haven't fucked in a week and I'm backed up."

Sam stopped crying and started vomiting all over the man's expensive suit. He looked up at him shamefully. "I…I'm sorry."

"Get out!"

"I need the money." He said in a hoarse voice.

The man wiped the vomit off his otherwise pristinely white dress shirt and took it off. "Get in the back seat and take your pants off." He hissed.

Sam fumbled with his belt and pulled down his baggy jeans and boxers.

"Now get on all fours."

It was the most degrading thing Sam had done. So much so that he sat paralyzed for a moment.

"Look, kid I tried to do this the easy way."

Ten minutes, but more like an eternity later Sam was lying lifelessly on his stomach, his tears dried on his face, his face pressing into the leather seat repeatedly as his client finished. He had bit his lip so many times to combat the physical pain of being fucked that he could taste blood.

He felt the weight lift off him but he lay there still. The man went back to the front of the car and counted bills silently. "Now you did ruin my designer shirt, but because you were so quiet and because I like you more than the others I'll give you a hefty bonus. 500."

Sam rolled onto his side and looked at him with half lidded eyes. "Thanks."

"I hope to see you again."

Sam sat up and pulled his pants over his knees and back up to his hips. He took the money and rolled it up, tucking it inside his pocket. The car sped off and the cool autumn air felt good on his skin. He walked slowly and aimlessly. When he saw a tree he collapsed. He buttoned his jacket and curled up slightly, his knees raised to his chest. He started to shiver. It was beginning to feel too cold outside.

It felt like days went by and his shaking was beginning to subside, the early stages of sleep calming him. He heard a car roll up and he prayed it wasn't the police.

Amber thought she was seeing things, but sure as the day Sam was sitting against a tree. She rolled her window down. "Sam? Is that you?"

He opened his eyes with difficulty and looked up. "Amber? What the fuck are you doing driving around at 2 in the morning?"

"What the hell are you doing sleeping in an abandoned parking lot?"

He smiled without his eyes. "I must look pretty fucking retarded, huh?"

"Yeah." She looked at him the way a concerned mother would look upon their child. "Are you okay, honey?"

He looked everywhere but in her eyes. "No."

"You want me to drive you home?"

"No. Thanks, though."

"Sam. You're worrying me. I can't just leave you here."

"I'm not going home."

"Well then you won't. Come over and spend the night at my house."

He looked over at the ocean and looked haunted for a second. "Alright."

He got in and rested his head against the glass of the car window, closing his eyes.

Amber frowned and ran her fingers through his hair. "What happened tonight, Sam?"

"I don't wanna talk about it. I'd rather forget."

She turned shifted into drive and drove off into the night.

The emptiness in his voice was a cause for worry. He wasn't psychologically sound.

Amber sat in a chair in the guest room he was sleeping in just to make sure he'd make it to morning. A few cups of coffee and she was set.

He slept to noon. And after. At 3 in the afternoon he finally woke up. Amber was going through her mail in the kitchen when she heard footsteps. She looked up.

His hair was disheveled and she saw the red fracture in his lip. "Hi."

She let a stretch of silence pass. "Hi."

"Could you make me some breakfast? I'm really hungry."

It was the first she had to prepare a meal for someone else in years and for some odd reason it touched her. "Of course, pumpkin. It 's afternoon, but whatever you want."

"Do you have pancakes?"

"Yup."

"Thank you."

"No problem, cutie."

She put the Eggo pancakes in the toaster oven . She turned around and he was standing barely a foot away from her. "What?"

"Can I have one of those suffocating Amber hugs?"

She looked into his eyes with sadness. "Yeah."

He buried his face in her terrycloth robe.

Amber stroked his hair and then rubbed his back comfortingly. "You're scaring me, Sam." She said softly.

"Don't talk. Please…just be my friend."

She furrowed her brows. "Okay."

She held him until the buzz of the toaster rang. Then she kissed his cheek and tried to figure out what happened to the blissful young man from a few months ago. What had happened to Sam in those few months? Why did she feel like this was the last time she'd ever see him? Why did she feel like the next time she'd see him would be at his funeral? Why was it that this boy could never seem to get what he deserved? A happy life. She didn't really know the answer, she just knew that it was the same reason that her husband died in his car that morning in '98.

Life was a game of luck and sometimes you braked fast enough to avoid whatever it was you were going to crash into. But sometimes you drove 100 miles an hour in the wrong lane and you crashed head on into a six wheeler.

Some people would never get to choose which car they were in.


	52. Better to Burn Out than to Fade Away

Part III

Chapter Forty-eight

Better to Burn Out than to Fade Away

Ouch I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe  
(Breathe Me-Sia)

Sam's reflection in the bathroom mirror was obscured by post-shower steam. He ran his palm across the glass and he saw his face. Well his eyes to be specific.

Crying in the shower for 45 minutes had burst many of the blood vessels around his irises. "Attractive." He said in a raspy voice thick with self- critical sarcasm.

He found Amber sitting in her lazy-boy chair biting her fingers and looking outside like she had something on her mind.

"Um…I was wondering if you had any clothes I could borrow. Mine are…" he couldn't really finish. His were…they still smelled like overpowering aftershave and cologne. Just the scent that had soaked itself into his clothing brought him back to last night for a moment. A fist grabbing Sam's hair, pulling his head back so his cheek brushed against the stubble of the middle-aged man's face. He made a deep, throaty sound, his exhale against Sam's ear. Sam shivered, chills running through his broken body.

He was sent back to the present by the feeling of his own gagging. His body lurched and he fell to his knees in a fit of gags. That morning's breakfast spilled out onto the hardwood floor.

"Oh, shit. I'm sorry." He apologized shamefully.

"It's okay. Don't be sorry. You didn't do it on purpose."

"I just.." he almost told her. ALMOST.

He felt like such a fucking pussy, but his voice cracked on its own accord. He fell into a heap on the ground and sobbed.

Amber was there in a second, wrapping her arms around him and rocking him back and forth soothingly. "Tell me what's bothering you. Please. You know I won't judge you."

"If I tell you it'll make it more real. I just want to pretend it was a dream."

"What happened? And why have you been wandering around? Don't you have a little a thousand baby showers to go to?"

"She lost it."

Amber was silent for a moment. "Oh." Jesus freaking Christ, how much more could the boy take? "I'm so sorry."

"After that things between Alyssa and me changed. I mean we were hanging in there. She was. I tried to overdose a few days ago. She said she'd had enough and broke up with me."

Amber stroked his wet hair. "I'm sorry, pumpkin. If there's anything you need, I'm here."

"You sure you're not sick of me too?"

"I could never be sick of you. I love you like the little kid I never got to have."

He squeezed her tightly. "You'd be an amazing mom, Amber."

She cupped his face and wiped the wetness away. "And you would be an amazing anything if you only believed in yourself." She planted a loud kiss on his cheek.

He smiled weakly. "I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too. I'll go and get you something wear, cutie."

Amber thought it felt odd going through her husband's things. If anyone could lay an eye on the little dresser drawer full of his clothes they'd say Amber needed to move on. They'd say that keeping painful memories of him was self destructive, that it would keep her in the past. But she concluded that many of those people had probably never lost a loved one. There was no way you MOVED on. Sure the absolute searing pain, the shock became dull around the edges after a few years. But all you needed to do was see someone die in a movie or hear a sad song and it would slam into you like the blunt end of a club. And there you would be, right back in that same grief you felt the day you lost that person. And it wouldn't matter if you burned every picture and threw away every shirt. It wouldn't matter if you absolutely erased every physical trace of them from your life, because one day you'd be taking a walk and you'd realize with sadness that this particular stretch of asphalt was where your loved one tripped and fell and you laughed at them mercilessly. You couldn't get rid of that person because one day you'd be at the local supermarket and you'd remember that this was where you shared your first kiss. It wouldn't matter what you did. They would always be with you even if you didn't want them to be.

Amber found a polo shirt that was a subtle shade of powder blue and ripped jeans. Her husband had a similar physical build to Sam. Tall, but impossibly thin so she was sure the clothes would be a good fit.

Her hand came upon something plastic. She pulled it out. It was a set of boxers she had bought for her husband but had never got the chance to give him. She remembered she had crucified him for wearing briefs or man panties as she had called them. She wished she could say sorry. She opened it and took out a gray pair.

Sam was leaning back against her couch, his legs going on for miles over the finished wood of her living room. His head was ever so slightly tilted to one side and his eyes looked…dead. Like decay. They were a gorgeous shade of green-blue, a cloudy mix of jade and a pale azure. But that couldn't hide the fact that he looked emotionally damaged. Those brilliantly hued irises couldn't conceal the fact that he was rotting inside.

She put the clothing on the coffee table beside Sam. "You know where the bathroom is, love."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Amber poured some hot earl gray tea into a mug decorated with daisies. Sam was lying on the couch in the middle room. He was absentmindedly tracing crop circles into the plush fabric of the couch cushion. She found it endearing. Like a little boy lost.

"Sam." She said quietly.

He sat up. She smiled at how good-looking he was in her husband's clothing. It made him resemble a rugged model in a Ralph Lauren catalog. "Yeah?"

She was silent.

"What?"

"You look…so handsome." She said softly.

"Please don't go all Mary-Kay Letourneau on me." He said dryly.

She burst into some much needed laughter. "Sam! You're half my age! That's disgusting!"

'Well I'm glad we settled that. Cause I'm not into older woman."

"Should I be offended?"

"You're a decent looking woman. So no you shouldn't be offended."

"It's just that I'm so old that I should break out my walker and go back to the nursing home where 80 year old Vietnam veterans find me attractive."

He grinned smugly. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Tea for my little baby."

He raised an eyebrow and took the mug.

For a moment his biting wit had come out. But whatever had happened last night found its way into his features. His expression looked hard, like he was trying to fight something off. When he put on his safety-pinned jacket and walked to the door without a sound Amber ran up to him and hugged him.

"If you ever need a place to stay."

He squeezed her. "Thank you."

She stood on her tip-toes, barely tall enough and planted a kiss on his cheek.

"See you later."

Amber genuinely hoped it was see you later and not good-bye forever.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

A few hours later Sam sat in one of Corey's friends' basement. The room reeked of crack. A guy in his twenties with track marks on his own arms and an impossibly gaunt face held a lighter under a spoon. With deft skill he filled a syringe and tied a tourniquet around Sam's arm. He tapped at Sam's inner elbow, coaxing the vein up and inserted the needle.

The high was incredible. So much so that he didn't care that he could catch diseases from a needle he was uncertain was clean or from the stranger who violated him the night before.

Besides he wasn't going to live for that much longer. Sam doubted he'd ever make it past his early twenties. And this was the perfect way to go. Kurt Cobain said it was better to burn out than to fade away. Sam decided he agreed and spent every penny he had.


	53. Alone Again

**To Anon: Thanks for the review! I had read so many laah fics here that I liked that the authors abandoned. It annoyed me endlessly. So I decided to stop complaining about it and do something about it. And now I'm writing an ongoing laah fic. And I'm determined to write it to the end.**

Part III

Chapter Forty-nine

Alone Again

_Can you remember when_  
_When we used to live_  
_Never in distress?_  
_Or can you picture then_  
_Only used to pride_  
_Ourselves on neatness?_

_I can't understand_  
_What you meant to me_  
_Made me wild_  
_Then you tied my hands_  
_You tied my hands_

_Can you remember when_  
_When we used to laugh_  
_At those mistakes we made?_  
_Can you picture then_  
_How we used to drive_  
_And never reach the end?_

_'Cos I can't understand_  
_What you meant to me_

_Seether-Tied My Hands_

Southern California winters were mild and this year it was no exception. Highs in the lower seventies. If you saw pictures you'd think it was the peak of summer. Sam wished it still was summer. When Alyssa was happy. _God_…nothing could touch them then. Their love was indestructible.

Sam spent his study and lunch in his car. He was hiding from her. The thought of running into her in the hallways made his heart race like he was having a panic attack.

Sam sat perched on the back of the car and smoked. He heard the high pitched giggles of senior girls and looked.

Somehow by some cruel twist of fate Alyssa ended up walking by. He had no idea and by the time he lifted his head it was too late to turn away.

She stopped and stared. He could swear she was bolted down to the ground.

His lips parted in incredulous shock. Their eyes locked.

The sun caught her hair in just the right way. It gleamed and he could see every nuance even from feet away. In his memories he felt the silky strands on his face. It made his breath catch. She was still looking at him. And she looked sad.

He averted his gaze shamefully. This was the girl he made love to a few weeks before. This was the girl whose child he fathered. This was the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And now he couldn't even look at her.

When he looked back up she was gone and he needed another cigarette.

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His drug induced stupor removed the concept of time. What in reality was a month could've been a day, an hour, or a minute. The money he'd set aside for Alyssa, himself, and Jacob became non-existent. At times of the night when the whole town slept he charged men to give him blowjobs. Of course it didn't earn him quite the same amount of cash as being fucked in the back seat of a BMW, but it didn't matter because he never wanted to do that again.

Percocet's and Vicodin were expensive. 300 a week could buy him a handful of pills. For a new user that was fine, but Sam was a seasoned drug addict. Two pills a day didn't do shit. So he fell back into some other old habits.

The house was quiet. Robin and the boys were baking cookies and Peter was still at work. Sam walked quietly into Peter and Robin's bedroom. He turned a red vase with golden Chinese calligraphy on it upside down. No money. He went through the drawers. Still nothing. He slipped his hand underneath the mattress on their bed. And…

There was a hundred dollars in twenties. Sam smirked with smug satisfaction. Peter was shit at hiding things.

The door creaked as it opened and Sam muttered an alarmed "Fuck." He stuffed the money into his pocket and turned around to see a suspicious Peter staring at him.

"What are doing in here?" He asked.

"Uh…Robin wanted me to get something for her."

"And?"

"I couldn't find it."

"Well go downstairs. Dinner's ready."

Sam walked out, breathing a sigh of relief.

He was stupid to think he was in the clear. Because as he was lying in bed sometime later and taking drags from his Marlboro Red Peter threw his door open with the might of an angry bear.

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Give me my money you little shit!"

Sam continued to smoke and issued an unaffected "I didn't take your money."

"Give me my money you arrogant little fag!"

Sam raised his middle finger into view. "Go fuck yourself."

Peter charged and Sam jumped stumbled off his bed with substantial speed. The old man tripped over the mess in the boy's room and Sam took the opportunity to run. He didn't make it far. Peter shoved him and Sam fell down the stairs with enough force to shatter his bones. He lay at the bottom of the stairs, curled up into a ball.

Robin and the boys stared in horror.

Sam released a moan of extreme pain.

Robin looked at Peter, her eyes narrowed in anger. "What's wrong with you? You could've killed him. He could be paralyzed."

"He stole my money."

"So that justifies hurting him? How dare you hurt my son! Get out of my face!"

Peter stormed off angrily, slamming the bedroom door. Robin rushed to Sam's side, her hand on his arm. "Sam."

"Don't touch me! Just…I need a few minutes and I'll be fine."

"No, you need to go to the hospital. You could be seriously hurt."

Adam crouched by his older brother. "Sam! Are you okay?"

He forced a smile. "Yeah, little man. I'm okay. Go eat your cookies."

Robin frowned. "Sam…"

"Mom, don't let me ruin you right, okay?"

Her forehead wrinkled with worry. "You're not ruining anything. If you have a serious injury I don't want it to get worse."

By that time Ryan and Adam were in the kitchen, but Sam kept his voice low anyway. "Why? You'd be rid of me. If I died you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore."

"Deal with you? Sam you're my son. Good or bad I will never get tired of you and I will never stop trying to help you. I'll never stop loving you."

Sam sat up, his knees raised up toward his face. He gripped his head and tried to stop the pounding pain shooting from his temple throughout his entire skull. The light made it worse so he closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Have you ever thought about the possibility that maybe you can't help me? Maybe I'm damaged beyond repair, mom."

Her throat tightened, but the tears never came. "There's always hope, Sam. Always." He felt her bend over him, her lips kissing the crown of his head. When he looked up no one was there. He was alone. Again.

He always felt alone inside. There was that brief glimpse of heaven with Alyssa. The loneliness was cleansed away.

But now he was alone. It didn't matter where he was. He could be surrounded by a crowd of people. People that loved him, that smiled and laughed for him. People that told him of all his successes. People that told him how good he was, how deserving, how good enough he was.

It was often in the places most like this that he felt the most alone.

And as he sat at the bottom of the stairs the only thought, the only feeling was that he was all alone. He was _all alone_…


	54. Come Back, I'll Help You Stand

Part III

Chapter Fifty

Come Back, I'll Help You Stand

_I've been led on  
To think that we've been  
Trying for too long.  
Every time we drift  
We're forcing what is wrong.  
At last that voice is gone._

You left your home  
You're so far from  
Everything you know  
Your big dream is  
Crashing down and out your door.  
Wake up and dream once more.

Come back, I'll help you stand.  
Let go and hold my hand.  
If all you wanted was me, I'd give you nothing less.  
So come back when you can

_Barcelona-Come Back When You Can_

It was becoming clear to Sam that no amount of Vicodin or weed or any other drug for that matter could take away the hurt inside him. Because as every day passed it grew like a Cancer, a tumor in him. It spread itself across his veins like the bare winter branches on a tree. And no high could slow it down, stop it.

The afternoon was gray and overcast. His eyes were focused forward, but he didn't really see anything. He could only feel the rejection. The sense that he didn't belong, not even at home with his family. He was unwanted.

Sam felt rain drizzle down on him and turned his head up towards the sky, feeling the cool little droplets on his skin. His eyes fluttered close. Goosebumps covered his white flesh. He outstretched his arms feeling the water sprinkle on his inner arms and palms.

The sound of tires on pavement shattered his peace. He dropped his arms and opened his eyes. A little silver car had stopped by the curb where he was standing. A face rose up above the Toyota from the driver's side. Silky strands of auburn flowed in the wind before blue eyes.

Sam felt shame burning under his skin. He walked away from her stare.

"Sam! Wait!" Alyssa shouted. She ran after him and blocked his path.

His eyes were like ice as he looked into hers. "What are you doing?"

She put a hand over her mouth in shock. "Sam….what happened to you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your face. You're bleeding."

"I don't want to talk to you."

She was silent for a moment. "You're hurt. I'm worried."

"I'm not in your life anymore, Alyssa. You don't have to worry about me anymore."

She raised a hand to his face, her palm pressing up against his bloody temple. "What happened?"

He looked at her with wounded love. "Peter pushed me down the stairs."

"That's…terrible."

"Yeah…I'll be okay. So go back to whatever it was that you were doing."

"It's raining, you have no car. What are you gonna do, go back home and wait for him to beat you again?"

"I'm not your problem anymore." He whispered dejectedly.

"I still care about you, Sam."

He didn't know why he did it. But he drew her up in his arms, his arms around her waist, his face in her hair. He thought she'd be angry. But she hugged him back, trailing her fingers down his spine in an intimate way.

"I love you." He said softly and he melted in her embrace.

He expected her to break away, run away from him at the sound of those words. She stood up on her toes and leaned into him. She was so close to his face that he could almost taste her. His thumb traced the outline of her lip. The longing was close to bursting out of his chest. He couldn't breathe. He moved closer and closer. The lack of touch all those weeks made his body hum at the contact of her lips.

His sigh purred against her mouth. She pulled her head back, looking up into his eyes. "Stay at my house."

He looked at her silently. His hand rested on the back of her head. He tucked her face into the space between his neck and shoulder. Her grip on him tightened, her fingernails digging into his back. He felt warm wetness in the hollow of his neck.

With the slightest bit of humor he responded. "I'm the one who was kicked out of my house, why are _you_ crying?"

"I miss you." She whispered against his skin.

His knees weakened. Then his fingers teased up her shirt and his hands spread out over the smooth skin of her back. Up and up they went until he could feel the rough texture of her bra under his palms. He rested his forehead against hers and locked eyes with her. "I miss you too."

Her cheeks were ruddy and her lashes wet. She pressed her mouth against his. The little mewl she made against his lips coaxed a moan out of him. He _needed _to be inside her.

She pulled her lips away slowly, his bottom one between hers for a moment. His exhale was jagged. His eyes were half-lidded.

"You're gonna catch a cold." She said softly. She took his hand in hers and led him back to her car.

He didn't know if his head injury was catching up with him or if he was just heady with the bliss of seeing her, touching her again. But whatever it was made him drift in and out of awareness. He'd see a tree every now and then. Another car. Soon his eyes focused on the beads of rain that had coated Alyssa's car windows. They blurred into one mass of gray.

He remembered seeing flashes of her stairs and feeling her arms supporting him. Her mattress was soft and almost non-existent under him. He felt dabbing at his face. It stung when she blotted the gash on his temple. He opened his eyes slowly.

"Hi." His lips curled to reveal a gentle smile.

Alyssa stopped cleaning his face. "Hi."

He took the free hand that was resting in her lap and curled his fingers around hers. Her blue eyes widened warily. His thumb ran over her knuckles softly. She knew the smart thing would have been to pull away her hand away, but it felt so…good. Her voice came out in a whisper. "How are you?"

"Okay." He answered. That was such a fucking lie. "Better now."

A frown tugged at her lips. She could never make him happy could she? Not when she was with him and not when she was away from him.

"What about you?" He asked calmly.

"I made some new friends." She thought for a moment. "Amanda visited me."

Sam tried to hide his irritation. That woman had destroyed their lives. If she hadn't been such a weak and stupid bitch Alyssa would still be pregnant and they would still be together. They'd still be happy.

"She apologized. She felt responsible for what happened."

His voice came out harsher than he'd intended. "She _should_."

"We weren't ready, Sam. Maybe it was meant to happen."

"Why would something that awful be meant to happen? You're relieved?"

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't."

"So you're okay with the death of someone you love if it releases you of responsibility? Do you realize how selfish that sounds?"

"The way you saw me was distorted by your love for me. I'm nowhere near perfect. What happened to us was terrible. But you had this naïve dream about what our life would've been like. The truth is that we would've struggled every day. Taking care of a kid… we'd never have time for each other."

His eyes softened. "We don't have time for each other now."

"Us being together wouldn't work in the long run. I could never be with you. Do you realize how selfish it would be, how cruel to any kids we might have? You always using, or hurting yourself. You know what that's like, having a father who can't take care of you, who isn't there for you. Could you do that to an innocent child?"

"Why are you so convinced that I wouldn't be a good dad?"

"That's not what I meant. In the future you'd probably be great. But not now, no matter how good your intentions were."

"Like you would've been a good mother. You hated that baby from the moment you found out you were pregnant."

Her eyes glazed over with tears. 'That is so fucked up of you to say. I loved our baby."

"Not the way I did." He said softly.

"I'm trying to help you! Why do you have to bring up all the mistakes I've made?"

"Funny how it's okay when you do that to me."

She wiped the tears off her cheeks. "I'm sorry."

He moved closer to her and his hand swept over her cheek, taking away the little teardrops with his touch. "Don't be."

She could feel his breath on her face. Her fingers traced along his mouth. His eyes became half-lidded and he brushed his nose against hers. She was in his lap suddenly and her lips were against his. One hand molded itself to her back and the other buried itself in her hair. Her lips moved insistently and passionately over his.

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Alyssa's room was dark, everything dark grays and blues. Her hair was spread out on her bare back. Long fingered hands ran down her spine.

A masculine profile buried in auburn strands. He moaned softly.

She lifted her head from the hollow of his neck and smiled.

His eyes were shut. He was exhausted. She kissed his nose.

His eyes fluttered open, a damp fringe of thick black lashes around sated blue. "I've missed this." He whispered.

She ran the back of her fingers over his cheek. "Me too."

He smiled lovingly and rolled over on top of her. He kissed all over her face, her forehead, her brow, her cheeks. His lips brushed the thin, delicate skin of her eyelids "I love you." He pecked little kisses on the tip of her nose. "I love you." He covered her mouth with his and kissed her languidly.

Sometime later as they showered together Alyssa ran her fingers over the wound on Sam's temple. "I hate him for doing this to you."

"I'm okay." He said softly. In reality it hurt. But being with her, touching her took away all the physical and emotional pain he felt. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest.

He felt the contentment bloom inside him. He was warm down to his bones.

"You smell good." She said, the words forming over his heartbeat.

He laughed. "I smell good?"

"Yeah. You have your own unique scent. I like it. Especially now since you don't have any clothes on to mask it."

He smiled and laid his head over hers. "You're fucking weird, Alyssa."

"I know." She replied.

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Etta James' At Last permeated the warm California air.

_At last, my love has come along  
My lonely days are over  
And life is like a song_

Lovers swayed back and forth in a slow dance. Sam's eyes shut as Alyssa pressed her cheek to his.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"For what?" He asked in a gentle voice.

"For leaving you. I was wrong. I love you."

He tightened his hold around her waist. "Shut up. You're ruining it."

She laughed.

_Oh, yeah, at last  
The skies above are blue  
My heart was wrapped up in clovers  
The night I looked at you_

"Sam?"

He brushed his lips over her cheek. "What?"

"I want to tell you something."

"Stop apologizing."

"That's not what I was gonna say!" She yelled.

_I found a dream that I could speak to  
A dream that I can call my own  
I found a thrill to rest my cheek to  
A thrill that I have never known_

"Then what were you gonna say?"

_Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile  
Oh, and then the spell was cast  
And here we are in heaven_

"I love you."

He cupped her face and pressed his lips against hers.

_For you are mine  
At last…_


	55. Lessons

**A/N: To Ashley C**

**Thank you so much! You have no idea how much that brightened my day! I was overwhelmed with all my stupid schoolwork and was so stressed out. And then I read your comment and wanted to bust out of my seat in my school's library and dance. I had this fear that the sort of flowery way I write wouldn't really be gritty or edgy enough to make for an interesting LAAH fic. But I guess it wasn't a bad decision on my part to write it the way I have and that is a huge relief. Thank you for believing I have a gift. I've been writing creatively for so long. It's nice to know it's paid off. Once again, thanks.**

Part III

Chapter Fifty-one

Lessons

Alyssa's living room was filled only with the sound of the television. Of course neither Sam nor Alyssa was even watching it. They had forgotten it existed. They'd forgotten that anything existed outside of them.

Alyssa turned the TV off and looked at Sam. She brought her face up to his. He locked eyes with her and smiled seductively. Her fingers brushed over his lips. She pressed lightly and they parted. He turned her chin up. She held his face, running her palms over his smooth skin. He placed his hands on her hips and pulled her closer. She made a contented noise as his lips captured hers. He ran his hands over her back as he kissed her feverishly. She climbed onto his lap and brought herself flush against him. He ran his palms over her shoulders pulling down the straps of her camisole. They started to sigh into each other mouths. The two were so caught up in each other they didn't notice Colleen walking into the living room. She stared with a scowl on her face. Sam sensed something and pulled away, his eyes half lidded, his lips swollen and red, and his face flushed. "Shit."

Alyssa stood up rambling incoherently in alarm.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Beck." Sam said nervously.

"You don't say a word. Stay here Sam."

She led her daughter into the kitchen and crossed her arms. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"You have eyes. You saw what we were doing."

"Don't be fresh with me Alyssa. You have the nerve to bring THAT BOY into my house and fool around with him."

"Mom! I'm seventeen freaking years old. And you have no right to call me out on kissing Sam. You fucked Josh multiple times."

Colleen blushed furiously. "I said sorry. I knew I made a huge mistake."

"So you think Sam is a mistake? Just because he was a little lost before."

"What about the suicide attempt? He relapsed."

"He was severely depressed! You would be too if your dad died."

"I'm not saying he's a bad person, Alyssa. But he has psychological problems. He's not good for you."

"I'll determine what's good for me. He is an amazing guy. Josh wanted one thing from me. Sam LOVES me!"

Colleen rubbed her forehead worriedly. "You two are young. You don't know what love is."

"He loves me and I love him."

Colleen was quiet for a moment. "I thought you broke up with him. You said yourself it was too much."

"Well I was wrong."

Colleen sighed and looked into her daughter's eyes warily. "I just don't want you to get hurt. I have this gut feeling that he's going to break your heart."

"He won't." Alyssa said softly.

"I'm not going to stop you from being with him. I probably wouldn't be able to anyway. But just be careful."

Alyssa rolled her eyes. "Okay, mom."

"And tell him to go home. I want to spend some time with you alone."

"I can't."

'Why not?"

Alyssa wasn't sure she should tell her mother. "Sam's step-father and Sam got into an argument. He pushed him down a flight of stairs. I just don't feel right sending him back home."

Colleen's features softened. "Poor boy. I guess living in that kind of a household for long has messed with him mentally."

She walked into the living room where Sam was sitting. She sat down beside him on the couch. "Alyssa told me that Peter hurt you physically. Are you okay?"

Alyssa was standing not too far away observing the two of them. Sam gave her a look. "You TOLD her?"

"I was worried."

He sighed in annoyance. "I'm fine."

"Turn your head."

Sam looked irritated. He did as he was told and colleen could see in clarity the gash on his temple surrounded by bruises. She ran her fingers over it. "This looks pretty bad. Just a bit deeper and you would've needed stitches."

"Really. I'm fine."

"Was this the first time he hurt you?"

Sam was silent. A silence that gave everything away.

"How many times, Sam?"

Once a year and a half ago. And a couple of times when I was much younger."

"Oh Sam. I'm sorry. You can stay here as long as you like."

"Thank you."

She pulled him into a tight hug.

His eyes widened in surprise. "Uh…okay."

"Don't ever feel like you're alone, alright?"

"Thanks, Mrs. Beck. I appreciate it."

"And one more thing. If you two must sleep with each other under this roof you better use protection. I don't want a repeat of this past summer."

Sam's cheeks reddened. "Of course."

Colleen left the two of them alone.

Alyssa sat beside Sam on the couch. Her eyes were soft and concerned. "I didn't know Peter has been abusive to you before. You should've told me."

"It doesn't happen a lot. And I kinda had it coming. I stole his money."

'It's still not right."

"I can't leave. I need somewhere to live. It's either the streets or his house."

She ran her fingers along the side of his face. "You shouldn't have to put up with that just to have somewhere to live."

He covered her hand with his. "Hey, it's okay. I'm bulletproof. I've had a lot of shit thrown my way and I'm still here."

"You're not indestructible, Sam." She looked deep into his eyes. "You're the most fragile person I've ever met."

He gave her a lopsided smile. "Stop being so negative."

"If you were as bulletproof as you say you wouldn't have needed to use drugs. You wouldn't have tried to kill yourself."

He turned away from her and his features hardened, brows furrowed slightly and mouth set in a thin line. "Here we go again. It'd be nice to not talk about my problems for once. I'll never be able to escape that, will I?"

"Your 'wanting to escape' is part of the problem. You're pretending it doesn't exist. You wait until it all piles up and you collapse under its weight. You run away from your problems and think they'll solve themselves. It doesn't work that way."

"I'm not in the mood for your fucking therapy sessions, Alyssa."

"Well someone has to be your fucking therapist. You stopped seeing Dr. Lewiston."

"There was no need to go. I was happy. Things were working out."

"But life doesn't always work out. Things don't always run smoothly. And if you need help getting through stuff you should ask for it. The best thing would've been for you to go back to therapy right after I lost Jacob. But you didn't and then you didn't know how to deal with your problems and you fell right back into your old ways. If I hadn't have gone to the cemetery that day…" At that point her lip was quivering and her voice was uneven. Her eyes glazed over. "You wouldn't be alive right now." She exhaled, trying to hold back the urge to cry. "The only way you know how to deal with your problems is to destroy yourself."

He stood up, his eyes fixed on the wall in somber contemplation. "I'll never be good enough for you."

"That's not what I'm saying. God, listen to me when I speak! I LOVE you. I don't want you to hurt yourself because I'm afraid of losing you. I want you to love yourself enough to help yourself. You don't." She stood up, her hand on his. 'You are good enough for me. Nobody else understands me the way you do. You're different from most guys your age and that's a great thing. You wear your heart on your sleeve and I like that. There are so many things I love about you. You make me feel so good about myself. When I'm with you I feel that innocence I had when I was a kid. You make me feel like there's nothing wrong in the world. Like everything's good and right."

He stroked her face. "What you're saying is that you want me to go back to therapy."

"If you want to be with me, if you want this relationship to work out, then yes. I'll be your girlfriend again only if you go to therapy. You take me down with you when you fall apart. That's not fair to me."

He drew her into his arms. He spoke softly. "Okay."

She hugged him back and placed her cheek on his shoulder. "Thank you."

A thousand years seemed to go by as they held each other. It had been true that Sam had gotten better that past summer. But was he cured? No. Scars never go away. They're always there. They fade. They become harder to see. But when you look really close, you know they're still there. Sam's past seemed to have been erased those few months when Alyssa had been expecting. But his sadness stretched out its reins and pulled him back.

Life isn't fair. When you think everything in your life is finally perfect something usually comes up and messes it up. Life is just a series of these little obstacles. Life is like a road, an uneven, rocky path. You can't stop these obstacles from existing. Life is a gift, but it comes with great difficulty. You can trip over every obstacle that appears and fall continually.

What you can do is look down at the road, see the obstacles and jump over them. You can acknowledge that they're there. But you have the power to stop letting them get in your way. You can rise above them.

Sam understood that lesson. Whether he decided to follow it was unclear. But he finally understood. He hoped that he could rise above. He didn't know if he could. But he was more than willing to try. Because he wanted to be with Alyssa. But more because he just wanted to be. He wanted to exist without being in constant agony.

And if he learned to live life by that lesson he would be happy. It was just a matter of letting go of the past. If he ever could. God, he _prayed_ he could. It was the only glimmer of hope for a better future. A voice spoke in his head. "Move on." It said. And he answered back silently. "I will. I will."

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**A/N: This story has gone on for longer than I originally intended. But my intention was to make it resemble a novel. Maybe that was a bad move on my part because people may become frustrated and annoyed with it. But I stick by it. Part IV (4) will conclude this fic. I don't really know how many chapters will be in it, but it will definitely be the end. Finally, lmao.**


	56. At the Beginning with You

A/N: Italics with the exception of the song lyrics mean flashbacks.

Timeframe: June 2007-5 years later

Part IV

Chapter Fifty-two

At the Beginning with You

_I knew there was somebody somewhere  
Like me alone in the dark  
Now I know my dream will live on  
I've been waiting so long  
Nothing's gonna tear us apart_

_I'll be there  
When the world stops turning  
I'll be there  
When the storm is through  
In the end I wanna be standing  
At the beginning with you_

_At the Beginning-Richard Marx and Donna Lewis_

Sam smiled awkwardly at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. It was weird seeing himself all dressed up in a tux, because even though he hadn't had piercings and hadn't worn eyeliner since high school that was the way he still imagined himself.

That awkward Goth kid. He thought he knew all the answers. Most teens did. When George died he figured out that he had no idea about anything. Like he said, what you thought you knew had nothing with reality. He had this view of the world that life was fair and when things didn't go his way he plunged down into despair. He didn't deserve to have parents who fought constantly. He didn't deserve it when they divorced. He didn't deserve to live in a house where his step-father did everything in his power to make Sam feel out of place. He didn't deserve all the shit he got in high school because he was different.

When George died, Sam finally figured out that you hardly ever got what you deserved. Almost two years later he realized that he had to stop being bitter about it because if you got upset over every little unfair card you were dealt then you'd spend the rest of your life being bitter.

Ryan's voice echoed around the hallways of the house. "Hey, fucktard! Alyssa and the guests are already at the hotel. Time to haul ass!"

"Shut the fuck up. The ceremony's at 4:30. It's 3:50."

Ryan opened the bathroom door. "It's right around rush hour. It's gonna take at least 30 minutes to get there."

"If we go in the limo. If I drive we can get there in 20 minutes tops."

Sam smirked and walked over to his mom. "Cancel the limo."

"There's a cancellation fee."

"I'll pay you back."

She looked in his eyes cautiously. She knew he was planning something she'd remember and laugh about later, but freak out about now. "Okay."

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Sam weaved in and out of the lanes of traffic like a pro. Ryan and Adam were howling in excitement. Robin, however was gripping the door handle on one side and cup holder on the other.

"Sam, it would help if we got to this wedding alive."

He made a sharp turn and everyone swayed to their left. Adam slammed into Ryan who slammed into the car door. "Motherfucker!" Ryan yelled.

Sam turned into a parking spot and Robin exhaled in relief.

"Thank God." She said tensely.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa's house (one hour earlier)

Alyssa was in her room, the shelves still covered in teddy bears. She looked at her reflection in the full length mirror. The dress was simple, silk that clung to her figure. The sleeves were small, little round puffs at her shoulder, kind of like the Disney princesses she still enjoyed watching. Her gloves were lace and went up to her elbows. Her hair was fashioned in an updo. She was wearing teardrop diamond earrings and a crystal choker. Her mother laced up the back of her dress and then clipped her veil to her head. Her mother tilted her head and bit her lips. "Oh." Her eyes welled up with tears.

Alyssa smiled. "Don't cry, mom."

"I'm very happy for you, that's all."

"Even though I'm marrying Sam? The anti-christ!"

Colleen laughed. "He's grown on me. Besides I always knew he was a good boy."

"Do I look pretty?"

'Of course you do! Now don't you start acting all nervous and timid on me."

Alyssa was very blissful end excited about the day. She loved Sam more than she'd ever loved anyone else. But as she looked at her mother smiling sweetly she'd knew she'd miss her, these kind of moments terribly.

She walked over to her CD player and put in a CD. Britney Spears, naturally. Her and her mother danced girlishly to the songs. When it was over, Alyssa wrapped her arms around her mom, "I'll miss you…so much."

"Oh, Alyssa don't act like that. You can visit me anytime you want."

"I'll miss you making breakfast when I wake up in the morning and you annoyingly lingering around my room."

"You're a woman now, sweetheart. It's time to grow up. In a few hours all you'll want is him. All you'll miss will be him. You'll always want to be with _him_."

A tear slipped out from her lashes.

"Now, don't you do that. You'll mess up your makeup."

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Robin wouldn't stop adjusting Sam's bowtie in the hotel parking lot. He swatted her hands away. "Dude, stop."

She stopped and looked up into his eyes and her eyes glazed over.

He frowned. "What?"

"You're so handsome and grown up." She said with a raspy voice.

He rolled his eyes. 'Mom, your eye make-up is gonna run."

"I don't care."

She felt so proud of him. But every parent felt a sense of sadness as their kids grew up and left. She wanted him to be forever six. She wished she could press a rewind button and watch him swing on the swings George had built, hear the high pitched shouts of joy as he went forward and back, round cheeks beet red and blue-green eyes reduced to slits. He grew up too fast. And she wasn't thinking of that it the clichéd sense. Because nearly a year after his sixth birthday she saw the sadness in everything he did and said. He grew up the day she drove him away from George's house and she'd never forgive herself for that. Never.

He was silent for a moment. He brushed a wheat strand out of her face. "You're acting like this is good-bye forever. It's just 'see you later'. That's all."

'It won't make me miss you any less, Sam."

'You'd miss the teenager from hell?" he asked dryly.

The laughter bubbled up inside her and she exploded. She could hear Sam chuckle softly.

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Sam didn't know the exact point of time when he stopped hating Amanda. She had destroyed their lives. Alyssa still saw her as a sister. After therapy Sam came to realize that what happened to Alyssa that fall afternoon was not Amanda's fault. She rose up from the metal chair she was sitting in and looked at him with guilt. He never told her to her face that he had hated her. But she wasn't stupid. She knew. Her smile was nervous.

'I know this is probably a really bad time to say this with you getting married and all. Especially since you hate me, but I've been feeling guilty for so long…"

"I don't hate you, Amanda."

Her eyes brightened like a puppy's when it saw doggy treats. "Really?"

"Yes. Tell me what you wanted to say."

"I…I'm sorry. I'm sorry I called her that afternoon. I'm not expecting your forgiveness. It's just a way to forgive myself. I know I made a terrible mistake. I want you to know that. I was selfish and stupid."

Sam spoke softly. "Stop."

"Sorry. I'm going back to sit down."

"No. You don't get what I'm saying. Stop saying sorry. I forgave you a long time ago."

She laughed. "I'm good at making a fool out of myself, aren't I?"

"Yes." He said honestly

She hugged him unexpectedly and jumped up and down, screaming.

"Whoa."

She pulled away and her eyes were bright and happy. "Go get her, cutie!"

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Sam remembered the day he proposed to Alyssa with clarity_. _

_Right after college graduation. It was fourth of July and he drove her to a field where there was a fireworks display. Sam __and Alyssa were sitting on a blanket together. Alyssa gazed upwards with a face of childlike wonder. The bright colors of the fireworks flashed on her face whenever they exploded in the sky. Green, purple, yellow, orange. They glittered in her blue eyes. Sam's arms were wrapped around her, his chin resting on her shoulder as he looked up into night. He kissed her cheek. She turned her head and looked at him with a smile on her face. He started to tickle her. She squealed and giggled. They collapsed onto the ground. Alyssa lay on top of him laughing. When her laughs quieted she noticed his silent stare into her eyes. _

"_Marry me."_

_She asked incredulously. 'Wh-at?"_

"_Marry me." He said in a tender whisper. _

'_You're serious."_

_He lay under her perfectly still and wordless. His eyes sparkled with flashing lights. _

_Her eyes widened. She felt slightly giddy, a thousand butterflies set free in her stomach. She answered headily. "Yes." She lowered her face to his and claimed his lips in a soft kiss. They sat up. He kissed the knuckles of her left hand. Then he slipped on a sapphire ring on her finger. _

"_Oh my god, now I can put all those wedding magazines I've collected over the years to use."_

_Sam exploded into hysterical laughter and Alyssa slapped his arm. "You fucking jerk!" _

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Alyssa stood in front of the minister at the end of the aisle in the hotel's immense courtyard. Avril Lavigne's Fall to Pieces permeated the spring air.

She waved to him.

Sam had foolishly thought she looked like an angel prom night. That was nothing compared to today, to this moment. Her dress wasn't the clichéd poofy princess dress so many brides wore. When those brides wore those dresses It was more about the dress than them. Alyssa's was simple because it didn't overpower her. It was about her.

"Holy shit." Sam whispered under his breath as he walked towards her, Robin's arm twined with his.

The minister began reciting their vows. Sam knew he was speaking, knew Alyssa was speaking. But he didn't really hear anything. He just saw her face. He was so caught up in her smile that he didn't realize the minister had pronounced them husband and wife. He stared at her dumbly and she laughed.

"Earth to Sam! You may kiss your bride!" She yelled.

The guests erupted into laughter.

Her cheek was under his hand. He bent his neck to accommodate for the height difference. Even in heels she was still considerably shorter than him. her lips were soft against his. He moved his mouth over hers sensually. The kiss lasted a bit too long.

Ryan yelled. "Get a room!"

Sam smiled against Alyssa's lips and unwound his arm from her waist, raising his middle finger into view.

He pulled away. "He'll always be a douchebag."

She smiled up at him. 'And you'll always be awkwardly cute."

"Thanks…I think."

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Alyssa was anchored onto Sam's back, her head toward the ceiling and her arms around his neck. He held her legs around his waist and ran through the crowd. She screamed and giggled. Of course being slightly drunk made him lose balance and they both collapsed into a heap on the floor.

"You ready to call it a night?" he asked.

She smiled seductively. "Call it a night? You and I both know there'll be no sleeping involved tonight."

He smirked. "There won't be any sleeping involved at night for this entire week. In fact, I don't even think we'll have time to eat."

She laughed. "We're gonna need **energy** to fuck, Sam."

"Fine. We'll eat. But only room service."

She laid her head on his chest. "I love you, you fucking idiot."

He wound his arms around her and rested his cheek on the crown of her head. He didn't need to tell her he loved her. She already knew.


	57. Wishes Answered

**A/N: This chapter will be rated M for explicit sex and heavy subject matter. But don't let that deter you. The last part of the chapter is full of romantic fluff. And there's a hilariously disturbing dance sequence courtesy of Sam, so I think it'll be good to read. Without further ado…**

Part IV

Chapter Fifty-three

Wishes Answered

2 Years later-June 6, 2009

Alyssa sat in the chair behind her office's desk at New Beginnings Counseling Center. Her experiences trying to help people, Amanda…Sam, _especially_ Sam made her realize that being a therapist was what she was good at, what she wanted to as a career. She had always liked helping people. Why not put it to use?

It wasn't an easy job. Advice to newly employed therapist was not to become emotionally involved with your cases. But Alyssa was a bleeding heart. Anytime she saw someone, even someone in a movie suffer she automatically transferred their pain onto herself, into her heart and felt that pain herself. She remembered one day a month ago when she finally broke through the issue that caused one of her patients to develop Multiple Personality Disorder.

_The patient was a 12 year old girl. Every day from when she was 8 to when she was 10 her father either molested her or raped her. When the girl's mother found out she shot the father through the skull. It was ruled self defense and she didn't serve any jail time. But not surprisingly, her mother naturally went into a state of prolonged emotional shock afterwards. She lost her job and was deemed unfit as a parent. The little girl spent the next two years being shuffled around in foster homes. When she turned 12 she was returned home after her mother had found a stable job. But the damage had been done. _

_After the appointment was over with and the girl left with her mother Alyssa spent 10 minutes crying for her. Of all people in the world, why did some children in the world have to suffer so much?_

_Emotionally exhausted Alyssa went home. She keyed her and Sam's apartment door open. Sam was sitting at the dining room table, architectural blueprints and his own drawings of houses spread out on the table in front of him. He was sipping some Pepsi and his eyes averted to her when he heard the door creak open. _

_His eyes locked with hers. That was all it took. She fell to her knees on the threshold, her briefcase slipping from her fingers and crashing onto the ground. Sam was at her side in a flash. He wrapped his arms around her, tucking her head under his chin and stroking her hair comfortingly as she wept. _

_His voice was soft and sweet when he spoke. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"_

_Her weeping had quieted. "I can't not do it, Sam. There are so many people out there who are lost and feel all alone. Just like you were. If I'm not helping people by being a therapist; it's like I'm watching a hundred of you just fall into an infinite, hopeless abyss. When I see that I've helped them find their way I feel like I've made a difference, you know? Like some kind of good in a fucked up world."_

_He pulled her head from his embrace so their eyes were level. "I understand. But if it ever becomes too much you can stop. No one will be disappointed in you. It's not your job to save the whole world."_

_She nodded, wiping tears off her face._

_He smiled boyishly. Even in his mid-twenties he could look and act like a young boy. "So um…I've been watching some instructional dance videos on youtube. I think I have Michael Jackson's Thriller down."_

_Alyssa's hand covered her mouth and she started giggling. "Oh God, Sam."_

_He smiled from ear to ear and stood up excitedly the way a child would. He disappeared into their bedroom and reappeared with his laptop. He pressed the play button on the youtube video and began to dance. The dance moves in Thriller were sharp and ungraceful, but Sam __**still**__ managed to look like an uncoordinated idiot. His dance movements were jerky. He looked like he was having mid air seizures. His body convulsed this way and that._

_Alyssa was no longer crying tears of sadness. Instead her body-quaking laughs pushed tears out of her eyes. Between giggles she said to Sam, "Please keep your day job."_

_He danced his way over to her. At that point she was wondering if she was gonna piss her pants. He scooped her up and hoisted her onto himself, wrapping her legs around his waist. _

_In an off key voice Sam sang, well more yelled, "Cause this is thriller, thriller night!" He jumped up and down. But being a clumsy fool he lost balance and went backwards over a chair. Their screams rang out in unison. Alyssa flew off Sam and landed face down on the carpet._

_After groaning in pain Sam spoke. "That was not how I planned it."_

_She rolled onto her back and laughed. Sam did too. He always knew how to cheer her up after a bad day._

She smiled in her office, gathering her files and getting ready to go home.

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That night it was her turn to cheer up Sam. July 16th was edging closer every day. The ninth anniversary of George's death. Sam could never really enjoy his summers. Summers reminded him of George.

Sam was on the balcony in their apartment, a Heineken in his hand to take the edge off. Alyssa could hear Breaking Benjamin bleeding out of his headphones. His eyes looked unfocused, his face numb. Alyssa could've made an emo joke. But Sam had every reason to feel blue. George had missed so many important milestones in Sam's life. George missed Sam's high school graduation. He missed Sam's acceptance into an architectural university. He missed Sam's graduation from College. He missed Sam's wedding to Alyssa. Their entire father-son relationship had always been based on 'missing' things. Not being there with each other. Even before George died. Out of the 16 years Sam had lived up to the summer George died Sam had only really known his father for six years. By July 16th, Sam had known his father for 6 years and a month. And what a beautiful month it was. And what a horrible month it became.

Alyssa's hand ruffled Sam's tousled black hair. He took his headphones off and looked at her wordlessly. She stroked his face. His face twisted into an expression of sorrow. Her palms rested on his chest. She saw a wet trail stain his cheek. His arms enveloped her and she felt his lips crash onto hers.

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Sam eyes burned like blue-green fire as they passed over Alyssa's features. Her closed eyes. The slight furrow of her brows, the subtle biting of her lip as she tried to suppress a pleasured moan. He stopped rocking his hips into hers for a moment and feathered kisses on her forehead. He claimed her lips in soft, deep kiss. When she started rolling her hips under his, it wasn't enough just to kiss her. He laced his fingers with her and brought her hands up to either side of the pillow her hair was pooled on. Her hands pressed into the pillow every time he thrust forward. His lips parted and his eyes closed. His features hardened, lines forming in between his brows and on his forehead. He grunted and arched back. His lovemaking became more insistent; the rhythmic puffs of breath that spilled out of his mouth turning into strained moans. He rose up onto his knees, her hips still anchored to him, her head still on the bed. The position was pleasurable for him, but uncomfortable for her. She let him move inside her for a minute at that angle before mirroring his body and getting onto her knees so her head was almost level to his. Her lips passed over his ear and he rocked their bodies harder. She giggled with satisfaction in his ear and it sent him over the edge. He groaned and pushed her back down to lie on the mattress, covering her body with his own. The headboard on the bed knocked itself against the bedroom wall as they made vigorous love. Alyssa cried out sharply. Sam barely gave Alyssa the chance to orgasm before he came. She stroked his back as his body expanded with feverish breaths.

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The closer to the anniversary of George's death it got, the more they made love. Even if they had no time. Even if their work shifts went late into the night. They loved each other into 2 AM.

In July Alyssa got violently sick with a bacterial infection that was going around her office at work. She was put on antibiotics, which made her birth control less effective. But she didn't know that. She kept giving her body to Sam to love, to help him forget the pain he felt at the loss of his father.

She should've noticed that pants that had loosely fit her around the waist a month ago shouldn't be so tight, so difficult to button when she hadn't been eating a lot. At a routine gynecological appointment in August she found out she was two months pregnant.

She should have been irritated. She didn't plan on having kids until later. She wanted to have a career first. But then she thought of Sam and how happy he'd be and she couldn't be angry. He had pestered her about having children the day their honeymoon was over. After they had nothing else to say to each other and the air between them filled with silence he would talk about it, how much he wanted it. Sometimes in the morning before they got out of bed. A lot in the afterglow. He saw how annoyed she got with it, how she felt he was putting her under pressure to do something she didn't want to. So he stopped. She felt almost bad for that.

But she didn't need to feel bad anymore because he got his wish.

Sam noticed the quiet when he came home to their apartment. Usually Alyssa was busy doing client related work. She would have the radio on. She'd sing to it. But there was only silence when he walked in.

She looked like she was daydreaming when he found her sitting on the living room couch, wearing a pretty, red sun dress.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked with slight alarm.

She smiled headily. "Yeah." She answered softly.

He sat down beside her. "You don't look okay. Wanna talk about it?"

"It's nothing, really. I just haven't been feeling well lately."

He cupped her face in his hands and looked down into her eyes lovingly. "You're sick? That's not nothing."

"I'm not sick." She smiled.

'Don't lie to me." He was unreasonably paranoid about illness since…It would kill him to lose her.

"I'm not." She twined her fingers with his and guided his palm to rest on her lower belly.

His eyes widened knowingly. 'Alyssa" he whispered.

"I went to the doctor today."

He began rubbing her tummy affectionately. "Oh, Alyssa."

He stroked her cheek and covered her mouth with his. As her fingers ran along his cheek she felt the warm wetness of his tears. She pulled away and he smiled timidly. "I'm gonna start drawing designs for his or her room."

Alyssa kissed his cheek. She felt his mouth feather soft kisses down her neck and his palm move slowly over her belly. "I love you." He whispered against her neck. "Thank you."

"You have nothing to thank me for."

"Yes I do. That's the only thing I've wanted from you besides your love. And now you've given it to me."

It was the first August in 8 years that Sam was happy. Maybe summers weren't so bad after all…


	58. Please Don't Go

**A/N: To .whoopyourass. Oh my god, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Thank you so much for believing in me. I'm glad this story can be some help for you during difficult times. I hope everything works out for you. Again thanks so much for your incredibly kind words. **

Part IV

Chapter Fifty-four

Please Don't Go

Sam had a long shift ahead at the architectural firm he worked at. Any normal person would try to get as much sleep as they could before that. Sam, however, had never been and would never be 'normal'.

For some reason he couldn't sleep.

Sam's life had always been a series of beautiful little moments and unhappy stretches of time. Going through pain in his life had made him appreciate the beautiful moments because they were gifts. But even more importantly his past made him live in the moment, breathe it, experience it to its fullest extent. You had to live in the moment because it could be your last. Tomorrow was never a guarantee.

Sam was not a religious person by any means. He would never be the type of person who went to church every Sunday or used the bible as a guide for life. But all the good things that had happened since high school convinced him that someone up there liked him. Someone was giving him second chances. He could've died so many times. The day he crashed Peter's car, the night Alyssa lost little Jacob and he tried to drown himself in the tub, the day he overdosed in the cemetery. But every single time he lived.

Someone was watching over him. It could be George. Or God. Or both. But someone thought he was worth something. And he had come to realize that. Yes, he had quirks, but he owned them now. He was different. But was that necessarily such a bad thing?

He wanted to enjoy Alyssa and the cuteness of her sleeping. Live that moment, so he woke up early. She was on her side, her loose powder blue nightgown dwarfing her. Her changing body made her a little self conscious. She did anything in her power to cover up the fact that she was pregnant. It didn't matter to Sam if she looked like a model or had an average body. The truth was that she was beautiful because of her willingness to understand Sam, because of her acceptance of him, because of her strength, and because of her independence. She may have been popular in high school, but just like him had her own little quirks. She was out there. Normal girls didn't open the lines of communication by randomly stepping in showers with the boys they secretly had crushes on.

All those things made him think she was beautiful. She was her own person; Unconventional just like him.

Sam ran his fingers through her silky hair.

He saw her face twist into an expression of annoyance. "Today's my day off, Sam. I'd like to sleep in if you don't mind."

He laughed. "I'm not doing anything!"

"What you mean is you could be doing something a lot worse."

"Do you have to look at everything from THAT perspective? Gutter brain. I would never do dirty things to you while you slept."

Alyssa rolled onto her back. She smirked and opened her eyes, looking up at Sam's smiling, ageless face.

"I'm kidding, Sam. I only say that stuff to annoy you because you're sexy when you're angry."

He chuckled and covered her mouth with his in a soft kiss. She still felt the electricity when he touched her. Especially at the current moment where she felt his hair brush her chin and his mouth rest on the junction of her collarbones. He inhaled her and then sighed against her skin.

"Can you promise me something?" He asked in a whisper.

"What?" She replied, her eyes on the ceiling, but her mind focused on the happiness of the moment.

"That we'll always love each other. Even when the going gets rough. Promise me we'll always be like this and we won't give up like our parents."

She played with his hair. "I promise." She paused. "But can you promise me something?"

'What?"

"Not to have conversations this freaking cheesy and serious at 5 in the morning."

He laughed. "Okay."

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Sam's head rested on Alyssa's chest, his cheek against the beating of her heart. His eyes were shut peacefully, a gentle smile on his face. She felt his voice, deep and soft hum against her skin. "You're so beautiful."

She laughed.

He was silent for a moment. "What?"

"You're so corny."

"No, I'm not. It's the truth."

She smirked. "You're only saying that because I'm pregnant with your baby. Half the time you don't think anything of me."

"Stop being a smartass. You are beautiful. You can choose to believe me or not."

"You could've had anyone you wanted, Sam. Any gorgeous beauty queen and you chose boring old me."

"You were the only one I wanted. You're the only one I'll ever want."

She blushed and he could feel her heart beat under his cheek like the frenzied flutter of a butterfly's wings. He smiled and ran his palm over her, long graceful fingers spread out over her tummy. She heard a tender love song make its way past Sam's was one of the only times that his singing voice didn't irritate her.

"All those arrows you threw, you threw them away  
You kept falling in love, then one day  
When you fell, you fell towards me  
When you crashed in the clouds, you found me"

He laughed softly at his unborn child's little kicks underneath his hand. Alyssa's left hand twined with his, guiding it along her swollen belly. Her other hand was buried playfully in the black tufts of hair on her husband's head. He continued to sing softly.

"Oh, please don't go  
I want you so  
I can't let go  
For I lose control"

He sang in a quiet lullaby until Alyssa fell back to sleep, his voice and gentle touch sending the restless baby in her womb to sleep along with her. She woke up when the sunlight poured into the room blindingly. She could no longer feel the warmth of his body next to her. Being hormonal, his absence made her sad. She took his pillow, saturated in his honey-spice scent and held it herself. The feeling of missing him was so strong that tears poured down her face.

She was sent back to her memories. She could hear her own laughing as she looked up at him, their bed linens over his head like a tent. He had a goofy smile on his face. Alyssa felt him tickle her and she half laughed, half shrieked in response. She arched into him as she giggled. His lips parted in exhale and he wound his long arms around her body. She felt his body settle upon hers and his mouth brush over her lips in a deep kiss, a low octave 'mmmmhh' purring against her mouth. She could remember their tangled limbs underneath the linens later that day.

Alyssa remembered sitting in his car in the parking lot at her obstetricians. The day they learned their baby was a girl. Both she and Sam looked at the black and white picture of their daughter lovingly. He was so happy.

For some reason that made her cry more. She felt uneasy little kicks in her abdomen and rubbed her belly, comforting the child that sensed its mother's distress. "It's okay." She whispered. "Don't be scared."

Alyssa busied herself the rest of the day. Around 5 in the evening she was preparing dinner. She set down some plates on the dining room table. Sam had come in quietly and she didn't notice.

'What are you doing?" he asked with the slightest concern.

Her heart leaped into her throat and she turned around, running as fast as she could into his arms.

"I thought I told you not to do a thing for me." He said.

"I was bored."

"Rest, Alyssa. I can have microwave dinner. You don't have to put stress on yourself. I assume just being pregnant wears you out enough."

She smiled and kissed his lips. "You're so sweet."

His hands caressed her tummy. "How is she?"

She laid her palms over his hands. "Good. She was a bit stressed about before. I was sad because I missed you and she sensed it."

"I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to leave you."

Alyssa looked down at her belly. "You hear that? Daddy's sorry. Isn't he so cute? Feeling bad for us."

He laughed and scooped her up in his arms.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Getting you comfortable." He carried her to the living room couch and lay her down on it.

They ate dinner and spent the rest of the night wrapped up in each other's arms. Alyssa had never loved him so much.


	59. Memories and I miss you

**A/N: Thanks to Misswhoopyourass (you changed your username, I wonder if it's a reference to Chuck Norris, lmao) and EatYourFudge for reading and reviewing. I apologize for not getting a chapter up sooner, but I've been in the hospital since Thursday night so my update was delayed. Anyway onto the fluff.**

Part IV

Chapter 59

Memories and I Miss You

It was unusually cold for southern California. Sam looked ahead calmly, the slightest melancholy coloring his features. He walked for a bit and came upon the familiar headstone of his father. He sat down on the dry yellow grass in front of it. Finally he spoke.

"I brought you something." Sam pulled out a photocopy of something. There were indiscernible blotches of gray and white color.

"I've been meaning to tell you. Just haven't gotten around to it." He smiled wistfully. "It's a girl. Alyssa wanted to come so we could tell you together. But I just didn't have the heart. She's been so tired, lately. I worry about her, dad. I wish I could stay home with her all day and make sure she's okay. But maybe you can do that for me."

His eyes followed a flock of birds across the sky. The wind ruffled his hair and his eyes shut agonizingly. "God, I miss you."

He rested his arms on his knees, his head forehead pressed against his arms. He saw the scuffed leather of his boots. His voice cracked when he spoke again. "I hear it everywhere. Time heals everything." His shoulders began to bob slightly. "You and I both know that's bullshit."

Quiet weeping. "It makes it worse."

He lifted his head and his ageless face was streaked with tears.

When he stood in front of his and Alyssa's apartment complex he could hear the faint sound of stereos. He pulled out his I-pod and put the buds in his ears. Kurt Cobain's voice bled out the little headphones, and Sam pulled out a Marlboro menthol. He lit it and took deep drags.

He heard a distinctly feminine voice next to him. "You promised me you'd quit."

He ripped the ear buds out and looked over in panic. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"So now I'm not allowed to take walks.'

He dropped the perfectly wasted cigarette to the ground and put it out with his boot. "There's a reason I'm doing this here and not on our balcony."

"You shouldn't be doing it all. You have a family history of Cancer, Sam."

He was still in a distant stare. A couple of kids were playing with their father. They squealed and ran around him joyously. Sam sighed unevenly. Children blessed with a childhood.

Alyssa laid a hand on his arm. "I need you."

He rubbed his shut eyes. "It's not really a good time for this. Now go inside before you catch a cold."

"Do you want to be around for our daughter?"

He began to tremble. "I never said that."

"There must be some other way to deal with your feelings. I could get Dr. Walsh to write you a prescription for an anti-depressant."

"You know I don't do pills."

"You can talk to me."

"No. You don't need my baggage right now. Go inside."

"Do you honestly think you're protecting me by lying?"

He was steel eyed. "I'm not lying. I'm happy, really. I'm just having a bad day."

She wrapped her arms around him, her head on his chest. He could feel her round stomach press against him. Something wet rolled off his cheek. He cradled her head in his hands, silky strands of auburn under his skin.

"I'm so sorry." He whispered. "You don't deserve this now. Especially now."

She ran her thumbs across his cheeks, catching the tears. "Just let it out. Really, I don't mind. You've been great the two years we've been married. You can have an off day."

Sam's voice flowed past his lips in a gravely whisper. "He should be here right now."

She spoke softly. "A lot of things should be. You know life doesn't work that way."

When their baby kicked, waterfalls ran down his face.

"I should be so happy."

"No, stop worrying about what you should be and just be who you are."

"What if who I am isn't good for you?"

She pressed a finger to his lips. "Shhh."

Sam felt her lips feather kisses over each individual tear on his cheeks. He cupped her face and kissed her softly. He felt her quiet sigh hum against his mouth.

When they were back in the apartment he covered her in blankets. She sat on the couch watching the tv, her head extremely disproportionate to her body, covered in three different comforters. "I'm not cold." She whined.

He ran back with hot cocoa and sat next to her childishly.

_He realized what she was watching. Adam and Ryan were running around screaming on a grassy cliff by the ocean. Guster was chasing them, barking madly. Robin was seated at the picnic table giggling. There was the sound of a crash off camera. Alyssa who was the camera operater panned to her right. Sam's arms were outstretched, chili all over the front of his black shirt and dripping off his utility belt. He looked he was fighting not to smile. "Really?"_

_Her own laughter was heard behind the camera. Guster came up to him and started licking his shirt. He started to back away but Guster bit the fabric and it started to tear. 'Whoa!"_

_He pulled and it tore off completely. Guster started to bark. Sam started to run and Guster went after him. "Holy shit! Alyssa put the freaking camera down and help me."_

_The camera shook as she laughed. 'Take it off!" she yelled._

_He started to do so and then he lost his footing and fell. Guster started jumping on Sam's back._

_Alyssa laughed loudly, her voice too much for the camera microphone to handle._

"_Help me you sadistic bitch!" Sam screeched._

Both Sam and Alyssa laughed at the video on the couch. "I think he broke skin at that point." Sam commented.

_Somehow Sam managed to shove Guster off him. He ran for George's garage the shirt roped around his neck. "Hold him down, goddamnit!"_

_Sam shut the garage door just shy of Guster's nose. A black heap of fabric squeezed out from under the door. Alyssa was behind the door. She taped Sam's face behind scratched glass. He raised his middle finger into view. _

_The camera panned back over to Robin, who was doubled over. She was shaking with laughter. George came into view. Sam sunk in the couch a little bit. He looked hilariously bewildered. His confusion was usually amusing. "I heard screaming, what's going on?"_

_Alyssa zoomed in on his face. 'Guster almost mauled Sam."_

"_Oh that's all."_

"_George!" Alyssa scolded sarcastically._

_He started making goofy faces in front of the camera._

Alyssa giggled. Sam chuckled wistfully.

_There was black for a few seconds as the camera was turned off and then images reappeared. _

_George was now in middle of Adam and Ryan. All three were wearing grass skirts and coconut bras. George was holding a toy banjo in his hand, playing horribly and shaking his hips. His voice was off key too. Adam and Ryan were mimicking him. Adam looked especially hilarious. He was shaking his hips a little too zealously. _

Sam started a full fledge laugh on the couch.

_In the video his younger self walk behind the three and roll his eyes. "You guys are all retards."_

Sam broke into guffaws.

_Adam looked over. "Hula dance with us!"_

_George sang his suggestion to the tune of I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. 'Hey look I have an extra coconut bra!"_

_Sam's forceful 'no' was heard off-screen. _

Sam's laughs quieted as "end of tape" appeared on the screen. 'We were all so happy."

Alyssa turned to face Sam, her lips curling into a smile. "We? You looked pretty pissed about 99% of the video."

"I actually thought that whole Hawaiian bit was hilarious. But that doesn't mean I was about to sacrifice my dignity. They were doing that fine by themselves."

Alyssa raised an eyebrow. "Who said you had any dignity in the first place?"

He pulled in close to her. "Shut up."

She blushed as his mouth covered hers in a kiss.


	60. Oh No

**A/N: Thanks MissusNorris for being a loyal reader. I think it's sad I only have 37 reviews too. At first I thought it must have been something about the story. But then there's horrendously awful stuff here that gets more reviews. It is about how popular something is. I chose to write a fic on an indie film and that automatically means there won't be as many readers. As an aside I can't wait to see how your fic Brilliant Love Under Brilliant Stars progresses. **

Part IV  
Chapter Sixty

Oh no

It was a bit after 11 in the morning at the architectural firm. Sam was designing houses for a newly bought out lot near Laguna Beach. He was drawing a multi-million dollar mansion. Two levels with a large atrium and a spiral staircase. He shaded the roof and windows. The computer graphics guy walked in and smiled at the drawing.

'That is awesome dude. It's gonna look great in 3d. I can't wait to animate it."

Sam smirked. "I can't wait to be done with this project. I've drawn eight sketches in the span of two hours. My hand freaking hurts."

"Shutup. I've got carpal tunnel from using my keyboard so much. No pain, no gain."

Sam laughed. "Get me some coffee, Chris."

Chris walked out. "Get it yourself lazy ass."

Sam set the house drawings aside and pulled out one from his drawer. It was a room. There was a crib in the center. He smiled softly and started drawing a mobile on the ceiling with little airplanes and birds. He had saved just enough money to decorate the baby's room.

He wouldn't take Alyssa shopping for the items. He planned to go with his mother and surprise her. He couldn't wait to see the look on her face.

It had been so long since Alyssa had visited her mom. Not only did she miss her, but she felt guilty. Colleen was such a solitary woman. Sometimes Alyssa wished Colleen would meet a man that would make her happy.

Colleen was cautious, afraid even, of relationships. And she was past her prime. Any men her age were probably married.

Alyssa walked down towards the lobby of the apartment complex with a smile on her face. She couldn't wait to see her mom. But the smile on her face was gone in an instant when she saw that familiar face staring back at her. Richard Beck stood at the lobby desk, chatting up the desk attendant. He smiled at Alyssa like nothing the past decade had happened, like he hadn't done anything to her.

"Hi, sweetheart!"

She saw flashes of the fall day. The woods behind her dad's house. Amanda, stroking her hair as she miscarried. Not today. He wouldn't do that to her today. Not again. He was NOT going to destroy her again and he was NOT going to take away the happiness she had fought so hard to give Sam. They didn't deserve that.

She turned on her heel, her heart pounding and her chest expanding with fear. But more with determination. She ran to the elevator and hit the up button. It took ages to come down to ground level and she pounded the button again, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please!" She screamed at it.

The elevator doors opened and she rushed inside. As they were closing she saw Richard's face in the sliver left between them. He reached a hand inside. Alyssa screamed. "Get away!" She took out her camcorder and whipped it towards his hand. It hit his knuckles hard and he pulled back. The elevator started moving up.

Alyssa took her cell-phone out and noticed with frustration that there were no signal bars. She dialed Sam's work number and when she was out into the second floor hallway where her and Sam's apartment was located she hit send. She keyed the door open, went inside and locked it.

Finally he answered. "Hey, beautiful!" His voice was sweet and full of love and Alyssa wished she didn't have to tell him what was going on. But her father's pounding on her door brought her back to her senses.

"Sam, come home right now!" She said in between gasps.

There was a heavy silence on the other end of the line and she could feel him start to worry. "Is there something wrong with our baby?"

"No. She's fine. But I don't know if that's gonna be the case if you don't get here soon. My dad's trying to get inside. He figured out where we live."

"I'll kill him with my bare hands if anything happens to you. Call 911. I'm on my way."

Sam's car pulled into the parking lot just as a police cruiser did. Two officers stepped with guns in hand. He saw Alyssa standing on the balcony, her knuckles white as she gripped the railing. He gave her a wordless look. His eyes saying," I'll be there soon. Don't you be scared."

Then he rushed inside, the cops trailing behind. They confronted Richard and pushed him up against the wall with his hands over his head. Sam saw Alyssa sitting at the kitchen table, her face tear streaked. He kneeled in front of her, his cheek over her belly, his tears soaking the fabric of her dress.

Later when she lay in his arms in bed and she cried in his arms she heard his whisper. "We'll move. We'll go somewhere where he can't find us. Please don't be scared."

Sometimes, though it was difficult not to be scared. Life was so unpredictable. For so long things would be going fine and suddenly something would come into their lives and try to destroy it again.

God, how could they raise their daughter in this kind of environment? With Richard constantly finding ways to get to Alyssa. The thought of him laying his heavy hand on their little one. Alyssa could see it, a little girl dressed up in a cute little dress, her arms bruised, eyes like Sam's looking up at her. Eyes pleading, "Mommy, why did you let this happen to me?"

The face in her mind changed to her own six year old face and it made her weep more. But Alyssa's weeping quieted when she realized that her daughter would never live that kind of life. She'd have the best father in the world to protect her from Richard. Alyssa's breathing quieted and she fell asleep.

Sam was once again the Knight in their childhood games.


	61. A New Day

**A/N: Thank you Missuss Norris for reviewing. I appreciate the advice. Not that I don't love it when I get praise and exclusively positive comments, but besides my love of Life As A House I'm here to improve my writing and I appreciate pointers and advice. Thanks for being honest. **

Part IV  
Chapter Sixty-one

A New Day

_I need a place that's hidden in the deep_

_Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep_

_Though all the world is broken_

_I need a place where I can make my bed_

_A Lover's lap where I can lay my head_

_Cuz now the room is spinning_

_The day's beginning_

"_Atlantic-Keane"_

Sam and Alyssa's lives were hectic enough just getting ready for the baby and finding a new place to live.

But Sam had promised Alyssa he would take care of her father and he would do just that. In January he took Richard to court. Alyssa's mom had asked for a restraining order immediately after he nearly beat her to death eight years ago. Violating a restraining order alone wouldn't get him too much jail time. But they decided to try to get him charged for one count of aggravated battery and two counts of aggravated assault. Amanda served as a witness. Colleen also testified against Richard. She recounted the multiple instances in which he had beaten her during their marriage as well as times he had hurt Alyssa. The jury's decision was unanimous. Richard Beck was found guilty on all three counts. He was sentenced to six years in prison, 1000 hours of hours of community service and two years of psychiatric counseling.

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Sam made a considerable amount of money as one of the four chief architects at _Benson and Feinsilber. _He had enough saved up to buy Alyssa a house the size of the one she grew up in. It wasn't an oceanfront home, but that was for the better because the ocean reminded Sam of the summer he lost his father.

Alyssa sat on the carpeted floor of her and Sam's apartment surrounded by brown cardboard boxes. She wrapped one last picture frame in bubble wrap and placed it in a box beside her. Sam looked around the apartment wistfully. They had spent the first few years of their marriage here and he had a feeling he'd miss it. The memories they made here. One very important memory, he concluded thinking of his unborn daughter.

Alyssa was trying how to get up off the floor. She was doing it rather awkwardly. Sam laughed softly.

She frowned and blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. He took her arms in his hands. "Here, let me help." He pulled her up. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Why thank you, Knight Samuel."

"No problem." He whispered, gazing into her eyes and stroking her face. He bent his neck and pressed his lips against hers. Her sigh purred against his parted mouth. She slipped her hand underneath his Metallica band t-shirt and ran her palm over the smooth skin of his back. He pulled away just enough that he could mumble against her raspberry lips. "The mover's will be here in a few minutes."

She ran her fingers over the boundary of his boxer's waistband and the skin north of his fly. An aroused sigh made its way past his lips. "I don't think you heard me." He said softly.

"Let's make use of our shitty old bed one last time." She replied.

He kissed her forehead and took her hands in his. "Stop. We have an entire evening to have sex."

"We're gonna do it all night?" She asked seductively.

"I mean if you don't pass out the first time." he said arrogantly.

She kissed his neck. "You think you wear me out?"

He cupped her face and looked into her eyes with a sexy expression. "I think? No I _know_, seeing how you always sleep for hours after we fuck."

She smirked. "I'm not the only one. I have to slap you awake after one of our sessions."

"Either way. I wear you out." He smiled wryly.

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Alyssa sang Coldplay's Yellow in a slightly dissonant voice. The car radio played loudly.

Sam started to chuckle. When Alyssa looked over with venomous eyes he covered his mouth with his hands, but a laugh managed to sneak out.

"You should know better than to mess with a pregnant woman. I might kill you in your sleep tonight."

The car slowed at a red-light. Then he started to laugh again.

"It's not funny. You should be terrified right now."

When the light turned green he eased off the brake and the car rolled past the traffic lights. "You never scared me and you never will."

She brought her face up to his ear, "Cuz you were all yelloooowwwww!" it was ear splitting.

His eyes widened in shock. "I take it back. That's absolutely terrifying." He turned the radio dial. Audioslave's "Like a Highway" was on the local rock station. Sam started drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Alyssa whined and pouted.

"The answer is no."

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Alyssa's soft hair was clipped into a messy bun atop her head. Her back was pressed against Sam's bare body. His long fingers traced lines up and down her wet arms. She could feel his soaked hair brush her cheek as he feathered kisses up her neck. She arched her neck and her eyes fluttered closed. He ran his hand over her collarbone, his palm resting over the beating of her heart. He brought his lips to her ear and nibbled on it lightly. She giggled. She felt his warm breath on her cheek. He shut his eyes and caressed her cheek with his lovingly. She felt a contented sigh purr in his chest. Then his hands rested atop the smooth roundness of her swollen belly. Her hands covered his and he twined her fingers with his. She turned her body in the bathtub and held his face in her hands, stroking it with her thumbs. He looked at her headily through half lidded eyes. She lowered her head and wrapped her arms around his neck as she kissed him deeply. Soft music played in the bathroom as they made gentle love.

**A/N : I hate to do this, but I might have to put this story on hiatus for around two weeks. I have finals coming up, but also I'm going through something really difficult in my personal life and my mind isn't all there. I was incredibly disappointed with my last chapter. Personally I thought it was uninspired and dull. I didn't really love this chapter either. Obviously the stress in my life is sucking the writer out of me. I'd rather have one long awaited good chapter than a bunch of shitty ones just for the sake of updating frequently. I might get a chapter in, but I can't promise anything. I apologize. **


	62. What it means to be Happy

**A/N: Again, Missuss Norris, thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. It looks like I didn't have as much writer's block as I thought I would. The ideas just attacked me and I'm so glad. This chapter is a bit long, but I believe it's worthwhile. I hope everyone had a nice mother's day.**

Part IV

Chapter 62

What it means to be Happy

An ancient memory flashed behind Alyssa's closed eyelids.

_It was early morning; the day George told Sam he had Cancer. Sam woke up with an unshakable optimism. She could see the childlike liveliness swim around in his blue-green eyes. The night before she felt his soft laughter against her neck as he kissed it. She could almost feel his happiness soak through her pores and fill her veins. No one's happiness and joy affected her that much. _

_The whole day he had a newfound bounce in his step and a permanent smile plastered on his face. Every word that left his mouth had a blissful songlike quality to it, like he was pouring all his energy into it, like he was alive._

If George hadn't died, Alyssa believed that everyday would be like that for Sam. But he did. There were days when the depth of Sam's sadness worried her. She feared he would fall back into old habits. That scared her, especially now that he would soon have a daughter he had to raise. But then again if Sam hadn't experienced so much loss in his life, he would take all the gifts he had for granted. It is true that pain is the best teacher of the philosophy of happiness. Simple moments become beautiful and every breath is a blessing. Nothing can make a person live the moments as if they are the last in the way that pain and loss do.

Even so, Alyssa believed Sam had more than his fair share of sadness. More than most had to deal with. _While other teenagers whined about their father's strict rules and lack of understanding, Sam had wished he had a father he could argue with. He wished he had a father to complain about. Sam used to tell Alyssa of every school gathering George missed. Every science fair in elementary school that he did not attend. Every band concert in middle school that he wasn't there for. At first, Sam looked in the crowd for his dad. When he saw that George wasn't there he'd dismiss it. Make excuses. Maybe there was traffic. Maybe they called him in for work. Sam rationalized in it a dozen different ways every time George didn't come to Sam's school functions. By the time Sam was 11 that got old. George failed to attend even one school event for Sam. By this time Sam came to realize that his dad wasn't coming because he didn't care. One more crack in his self confidence. "I'm not good enough" suddenly became the recurring thought in Sam's mind. "My dad is not proud of me."_

_When he was nine years old, Sam used to ride his bike around his neighborhood. Every so often he would come upon a nicely manicured lawn. And every so often he would see a little boy or girl with their father. Hide and seek and basketball were played. Sometimes he would bring a pencil and paper on his bike rides. He would sit on the sidewalk and draw the scenes he saw. He'd look at those drawings and create false memories. In his mind he would turn into every child he drew. And in his mind every father he drew became George. _

Sam understood now why his father was absent. But it didn't make it any less wrong. It didn't justify his lack of effort. It didn't erase all those years of loneliness and rejection. And no matter how much he loved his father, how much good he thought of him, Sam would never ever forgive George for that.

Alyssa sat on the swing behind her mother's house. Sam had built her one. She swung slightly; just enough to move forward and back, but not enough that she was flying through the air. She couldn't do those things in her condition. She laughed at the pictures she was looking at. They were all of Sam over the years. The ones of him as a small child were adorable. He beamed in many of the childhood pictures, his blue-green eyes too big for his small face. Her smile wavered as the timeframe progressed. With every photo his smile became less and less happy. He wasn't smiling with his eyes. Soon he wasn't smiling at all. As the baby fat melted away from his face, sadness seeped into his features. Alyssa stroked the image of his face. The next few pictures were from her 11th birthday party. Sam was standing over Alyssa, his lips curled in an ear to ear smile, a respite from his depression. He was wearing a conical birthday hat, with a ridiculous poof on the top. At such an early age he was already very handsome. She stifled her giggle as she saw the next series of pictures. Sam had smeared cake frosting on Alyssa's face and she looked absolutely alarmed. In the following photo Sam's face was covered with a huge chunk of frosting almost like he had gotten pied in the face. The picture after that one was sweet. Sam had wiped some of the frosting off his face, but it was still in his brows and lashes. Alyssa's arms were around his neck, her hair full of cake and frosting. They were both laughing.

After that the pictures made her sad again. One family portrait was especially affecting. Sam looked 14 or 15 and he was Goth at this point, pierced on his ears and under his lip. His hair wasn't streaked with the purplish blue but an aquamarine green. Hs eyes were lined with eyeliner, but even the makeup couldn't hide his dark circles. He looked absolutely livid, staring into the camera with a hushed anger. He stood out amongst his family's fake and pretentious smiles. The next one he must have taken or had a friend take because if his family had he would've looked very angry. He was sitting on concrete steps, the sky a dark blue around him, everything cool colors from the dusk. His hand rested on his knee, a burning cigarette between his fingers. He was staring off in a pensive, numb gaze. She went to the next picture. It was facing Sam this time. His eyes were cast downward, thick lashes barely obscuring the bruise color underneath his eyes. From getting high so much. Alyssa wiped a tear from her face. She kissed the picture.

The rest were in a Kodak envelope. She pulled them out. They were of his summer at George's. He was smiling or laughing in almost everyone and it warmed her heart. Their prom pictures lacked the free spirited joy, but Sam looked happy.

The remaining were of the two of them after their breakup, when they had gotten back together. In one of them Sam was resting his head on Alyssa's shoulder and smiling softly. In another they were in a park and Sam's arm was outstretched holding the camera, his lips pressed against hers in a tender kiss.

Their vacation pictures from Aspen Colorado were hilarious. Her favorite was Sam with a goofy smile, a skullcap on his head. Both their faces were red from the cold. In her gloved hands she was holding cones she had made of snow. She had stuck them on Sam's head like horns.

Their wedding pictures were cute. She laughed at the two of them standing with proud grins on their faces in front of their new apartment. The last picture was heartbreakingly sweet. She was sitting on Sam's lap, her tummy round under the thin fabric of a sundress. The crown of his head was under her chin as he looked down lovingly at her belly. His hand was under hers over her stomach.

She put them back in the envelope and placed it in her handbag. When she looked up she saw Sam walking over. "Hi." He said softly.

"Hi."

He sat down in the swing beside her. He was tired from work but he never expected her to ask how _his _day was. It would never measure up to _hers_.

"How have you been?" he asked.

"Fine." She answered almost inaudibly.

'Really? Are you sure?"

She smirked dryly. "Yes. I'm pretty sure I know what's going on with my own body."

"No need to be mean, just concerned."

"You don't need to be. I'm feeling good. She has been kicking a lot lately, though. I think she wants to get out."

Sam laughed. "Well, she's gonna have to wait another month and a half."

Alyssa patted her belly. 'You should tell her that. Stop hurting mommy."

"I'm sorry." Sam said affectionately.

She laughed. "Sorry for what?"

"That it hurts."

"Oh, Sam. I shouldn't have said anything. Now you're gonna worry yourself to death."

He looked away from her and dropped his gaze to the ground, silent. "A lot of things have happened that make me worry. I was so scared that I was gonna lose the two of you."

"You don't need to worry, love. And about the kicking thing. It only hurts sometimes. Most of the time she's gentle."

"Are you lying to comfort me? Because you shouldn't. I should be the one comforting you right now."

"Sam, if I was in actual pain, believe me I would tell you."

"Okay. Sorry about being so annoying."

'Don't be. It's flattering that you care so much."

"I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too."

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Alyssa sat in a room full of other expectant mothers. Sam was behind her, listening to the instructor. She was breathing quickly, following the Lamaze teacher's lead. So were about ten other ladies. Sam was slightly amused.

"I feel like I'm gonna hyperventilate and pass out."

Sam laughed. "You're doing fine, babe."

When the class was over, she leaned back into his arms. "Out…of…breath."

He pulled her face over to his and kissed her slowly.

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Sam rang the doorbell of his mother's house. He held Alyssa's hand and the door opened. Robin smiled warmly. "Hi!"

"We just wanted to drop by."

"Anytime. I haven't seen you guys since your news."

Robin squeezed her eldest son in a tight hug. "This house is so empty without you."

Sam smiled and wrapped his arms around her. "There was a time when you wouldn't say that."

"Visit more often. You have no idea how much I've missed you."

"Mom…"

"Sometimes I cry."

"Don't cry. You've got Adam and Ryan and Peter."

"I miss my first baby boy."

Sam laughed. "Have you been watching Lifetime?"

"Your room is exactly the way you left it. Sometimes I go and sit in it."

"Mom…I'll promise to visit more often." He pulled his head from her shoulder. Sam stroked her face and kissed her brow. "I think Alyssa feels left out."

She pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Sorry. It's nice to see you too."

Robin pulled Alyssa into a hug. She kissed the girl's cheek and then she looked down. "You're getting so big."

Sam was still lingering. "I don't think she appreciates that mom."

"It's fine. I'm aware of the fact that I look like a cow."

Sam laughed. Adam and Ryan walked over. Adam was now almost as tall as Sam. Sam was a bit taken back by how much Adam looked like himself. He was every bit as skinny as a sixteen year old Sam, with spiky dark hair and piercing blue eyes. They had different fathers, but Sam was handsome because he had his mother's features. And Adam had his mother's features. It was almost like looking in a mirror. Adam's hair was a bit more of a chocolate brown than Sam's but he was startlingly similar.

Adam was wearing a snug red shirt and black cargo pants. Sam knew who he gotten that from. Adam would never admit it now. Maybe when he was younger. He had always looked up to Sam.

"How does mom feel about your getup?"

Adam smirked dryly. "She hates it. But it reminds her of you so…"

Adam rolled up his sleeve to reveal a simple tattoo on his forearm. It looked like a cross with a noose on top of it. "It's Egyptian; it helps you in the afterlife."

Sam smiled. "Really original, except for the fact that I have one in the exact place." Sam rolled up his sleeve to reveal a black leafless tree. Under the roots was the word Libertas, "freedom." "And mine is more badass."

"Keep dreaming old man."

"Shut the fuck up, Adam. You know I remember a time when you needed to hear bedtime stories from me to go to sleep."

"Whatever, dude."

Sam stuck Adam's head into a head lock and ruffled his hair wildly. Adam pulled out of the stronghold grip Sam had on him and shoved the older boy playfully.

"Boys!" Robin yelled.

Sam smiled. "Sorry, mom."

Alyssa sat down awkwardly. She closed her eyes and leaned back. "My back hurts."

Sam's face was suddenly very tender. "You want me to go out and get you a heat wrap?"

She opened her eyes and offered a feeble smile. "No, thanks. I just need to sit down and rest. "

He walked over and kneeled in front of her. She felt his cheek rest on the curve of her belly. She stroked his hair lovingly. Sam sighed contentedly and laughed softly. "I can feel her move."

Alyssa smiled with a dreamy expression, pure happiness. "What do you think she'll look like?"

He kissed the spot on her tummy where he felt a tiny palm push under the skin. "Like you."

"I don't know. I'd like it if she had a bit of you in her features. Your eyes and your smile."

"What if she doesn't look like me at all?"

Alyssa pouted. "I'll be disappointed."

'We can always make another baby."

"Not for a few years. I like my sanity."

Sam got back on his feet and smiled dryly. "That's mean."

Sam picked his wife up delicately. 'Sam! Careful….aren't I really heavy?"

"Not at all. You're perfect." He carried her to the living room and laid her on the couch. He adjusted the throw pillows under her. "Feeling better?"

She beamed. "Much better. You're sweet."

"That's why you married me."

She laughed.

"Don't move. I'm gonna go get lunch ready and bring you some."

"Sam, I'm not paralyzed."

'Shhhh."

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Later the three of them watched home movies in the living room. The particular one they were watching was of their trip to Aspen.

_Sam had handed the camcorder to Adam and was whispering to him in a hushed voice. They were taping Alyssa, her back turned to the camera as she stood three yards away._

"_So what I'm gonna do is I'm going to throw this beast of a snowball at her." He lifted a whiffle ball sized chunk of snow into view. And then I'm gonna run at the speed of light back into the car."_

"_It's not going to work."Adam said with skepticism._

"_Shutup. Of course it is. Now just tape."_

_Sam hesitated, then he threw it. It hit the back of Alyssa's winter coat with a thud and she staggered. Sam stifled his laugh and turned to run._

_Alyssa turned her stare at Sam's running form. "Sam!" she screamed._

_Adam started laughing behind the camera as he taped the scene before him. _

_Seeing as he had grown up in California Sam wasn't used to doing much of anything in snow. He tripped a few times while he was trying to escape. "Shit!" _

_He was 10 yards from the parking lot when Alyssa finally caught up with him. She crashed into him, the inertia sending him face first into the snow. She pinned him and grabbed fistfuls of snow, throwing them over his head. _

"_Fuck. Cold!_

"_Serves you right, asshole!" She pulled the hood of his coat and put some snow down his shirt. He bolted and yelped. _

_Later Adam filmed Sam shaking the remaining snow from his hair._

"_I told you it wouldn't work dude."_

"_Shut up."_

Alyssa and Colleen, laughed hysterically on the couch.

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That night Sam and Alyssa lay on a beach towel that was spread over the slightly yellowed grass of the ocean cliff they used to frequent when they were children. The sound of crickets and the hum of the ocean waves crashing on the sand served as their love song. Alyssa's heartbeat under Sam's cheek was his lullaby. Alyssa felt his eyelashes flutter against her sternum as he closed his eyes. Her eyes wandered over the twinkling lights that spotted the night sky. Sam's fingers brushed her collarbone tenderly.

His voice was barely above a whisper when he spoke. "I don't know if anything I ever do for you will even come close to everything you've done for me. But I promise you I'll try. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying. If I ever take anything you do for me for granted, call me out on it. You were there for me when no one else was and for that you deserve the very best of everything from me."

Alyssa buried her fingers in his hair. "You give me more than I deserve, Sam."

He kissed in between her collarbones. "Good." He mumbled.

"Your father would be so proud of you."

"Thank you."

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It felt weird sleeping in Alyssa's old bed together. Every time they had been there as teenagers they were doing something they shouldn't have been. Alyssa almost wanted to relive old memories, fool around a bit for old time's sake. But she was too tired and too pregnant for that. So she got lost in Sam's deep and slow kisses instead. Instead she fell asleep to the sound of his breathing.


	63. Will You Catch Me?

**A/N: I've been experiencing some serious writer's block recently. I just don't feel like my last few chapters have been up to par with previous ones. I don't know…they lack emotion in my opinion. Maybe it's because there's no more drama, but I can't just make up crazy events to keep things exciting. That's just contrived and forced. Anyway, onto another completely fluffy chapter. **

Part IV

Chapter Sixty-three

Will you catch me?

Swept away  
By the wonder of it all  
So amazed  
Never saw it coming  
Left me dazed  
And I don't know where to turn

Here and now  
Seems I'm standing on the edge  
Looking down  
I can clearly see your face  
In the crowd  
Makes me feel I'm not alone

If I fall  
Will you catch me?

Seems to me  
I'm exactly where i dreamt  
I would be  
And the view from here is  
Something to see  
But I need a hand to hold on to

If I fall  
Will you catch me?

If I fall-Aqualung

Alyssa's dreams were full of Sam. They sent her back to high school like a time machine.

_The sun was so bright, it almost blinded her. Her hand was in his and the wind lifted her hair from her shoulders. They ran and his awkwardly loud, goofy laughter filled her ears. The ground fell out from beneath them. Her hand slipped out of his and she screamed in panic, her heart hammering against her ribs in fear. He laughed at her. She was about to let out a stream of obscenities at him, but he disappeared under the waves and she did too not a moment after._

_Alyssa flailed under water, but sunk despite her efforts. She felt an arm wrap around her waist and she was pulled up. When she was above water, she gasped for air. She heard him laugh again and she shoved him slightly. He revealed a wily smile and she couldn't stay angry. He pulled her to him. Alyssa tucked her head in the crook of his neck, damp with seawater. _

_Her sleep was dreamless and black for a bit and then her field of vision was white, fading into a view of the sea from the cliff her house was perched on. Alyssa turned to her left and watched Sam's face bathed in sunlight, a handsome profile breaking the scenery. He was quiet and pensive and she sensed that beneath that calm exterior there was a storm raging inside. There always was._

_She ran her fingers through his hair and he looked over at her with a soft, jaded smile. The weight of the world was in his eyes. He turned away, looking at the scene before him once more. Alyssa wouldn't give up. She kissed his cheek. He pressed his lips to her forehead gently. He was still deep in his thoughts, though. _

_Deviously, Alyssa cupped the knee closest to her. She knew even through his jeans that she had an effect on him. Her hand slipped onto his inner thigh. She moved it upwards seductively. His voice almost made her laugh._

"_You're gonna regret that."_

"_Oh yeah?" She got an inch away from his crotch and then squealed when he threw her over his shoulder wildly. _

_Later under messed up bed linens he watched her peaceful face, cheek upon her pillow and lashes fanned out over her flushed face. He ran his hand over her bare arm. "Do you regret it now?"_

_She smiled, eyes still closed. "No."_

_He draped his arm over her waist, and pressed himself to her, twining his leg with hers. She sighed and his lips curled into a satisfied smile. His fingertips stroked a path up her spine. When he felt a delicate shoulder blade under his palm, her mouth was on his. _

Alyssa's eyes fluttered open. Sam was facing her, in a deep, peaceful sleep. He looked angelic, his face free of any lines, especially the ones when he furrowed his brows. She turned his arm over and traced the tattoo on smooth pallid skin.

He smiled and opened his eyes, black lashes parting to reveal rested blue-green. "You want breakfast in bed?" he asked sleepily.

"Yeah."

"Alright." He stretched, his long arms sprawled out on the mattress. Then he threw the covers off himself.

Alyssa sat up in bed and turned the TV on. She heard something and muted it. He was singing. It was so bad, but so sweet at the same time. She laughed softly. The smile on her face faded as she felt a sharp pain shoot across her abdomen. She draped an arm across herself and a cry bubbled past her lips. As hard as she tried to be brave, it hurt enough to make a tear spill onto her cheek. "Sam!" She yelled, her voice echoing through their house.

Sam stopped singing atrociously and walked upstairs. Alyssa sat on the edge of their bed, her face twisted in a pained expression.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I'm having a contraction."

"Don't you have another month to go?"

"Yes. But it's not uncommon to be early."

He walked over and picked her up, carrying her downstairs. Sam put an arm around Alyssa and helped her out the door and into the car. Before he started the engine he rubbed her tummy comfortingly and whispered into her ear. "Just breathe like how the classes taught you."

He tried not to show her just scared he was.

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Every time a person goes through a struggle, reaches a milestone, or experiences some life changing event they tend to think they know everything about the world and the way it works. But the truth is that you know as much the day you die, as the day you were born. Life will always surprise you. Sometimes in ways that disappoint you and bring you down. But sometimes it will surprise you in ways that renew your faith in the world. With every closed door, another one opens. With every struggle and fall there will also be a triumph and an ascent.

After all the ups and downs in Sam's life he was absolutely sure he knew at least one thing. He was certain there was no person on earth that he loved as much as Alyssa. He was even wrong about that. He knew he was wrong the moment he saw his daughter open her blue-green eyes in Alyssa's exhausted arms. Alyssa laughed, tears pouring her reddened cheeks.

'She has your eyes." Alyssa said victoriously as if she'd won some game.

Sam kissed her cheek. "You're so pretty. Just like your mommy."

Alyssa smiled at her husband weakly. "You wanna hold her?"

Sam's eyes flickered to hers with a grin.

She handed their daughter to him. He took her carefully into his arms. She was unusually quiet for a newborn. She looked up at Sam with curiosity, her eyes blinking sleepily. "You're gonna break hearts."

Alyssa chuckled. Sam looked at her. "I think she's going to be as beautiful as you." He said softly.

"With your eyes….much prettier."

Sam smiled. "I'm not really good-looking, Alyssa. She's pretty because of you."

Alyssa was slightly disheartened by Sam's ever present lack of confidence in himself. "Sam….you're an idiot."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did I say something?"

"You're gorgeous."

He laughed. "Don't lie. I'm average."

"God, shut the fuck up. You are getting _way too old_ for this insecurity bull shit."

"I'm not insecure. I have a lot of confidence. I'm just willing to admit that I'm not the greatest looking guy in the world. Not like Josh or some of those other jocks."

Alyssa laughed. "Sam…..this may sound kind of shallow. One of the reasons I had a crush on you in high school was because of how beautiful you were. You've got killer looks and you couldn't hide it with all the eye shadow in the world." She giggled. "It actually made you cuter."

"You seriously think I'm attractive…physically. I mean even with that emaciated look I sported?"

"You were and are beautiful, Sam."

Sam laughed, a huge blush rising on his cheeks. "I think your love for me has messed with your vision."

"Our baby is going to be pretty because of you. I'm cute, but you're striking."

Sam stroked the fuzz on the newborn's warm head. "We'll see." He held her tiny hand in his. She held his thumb in her hand.

Alyssa gazed at Sam tenderly.

He kissed his daughter's forehead. "I hope I'll be a good daddy for you."

Alyssa was tired. But she managed to reach out and touch Sam's face, her palm on his cheek. 'She'll love you. I know you lacked a father figure for most of your life. But being a good parent comes from inside, from your heart. It has nothing to do experience or your past."

"Do you love me?" Sam asked his baby. She cooed. He kissed her nose. "Good, because I love you too."

Sam held her until his arms ached, and looked at her until his eyes hurt. He looked back at Alyssa was sound asleep. The nurse walked in.

"We need to run some tests and take her weight."

She had been fussy and Sam was rocking her to calm her. "Just one more minute."

"It's important. I know you want to be with her every second, but since she's premature we need to make sure her lungs are okay, make sure she's completely healthy."

He kissed her cheek. "See you soon." He whispered.

Alyssa's face looked pale. Sam sat on the edge of her bed and stroked her face. He was remorseful for her exhaustion. "Sorry about giving you so much pain. I didn't really mean to get you pregnant."

She smiled and opened her eyes. "I wanted this. I mean a few years down the road. But a blessing is a blessing, early or late. I mean it was the worst pain I've ever experienced, but it was worth it."

"I'm guessing she won't have siblings for a while?"

"You guessed right. Now go steal some ice cream."

Sam had been in the hospital three times before. He knew where things were. He snuck into the employee lounge and opened the fridge. The little Styrofoam cups of ice cream were piled up inside. He took some strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla flavored and put it inside his coat pockets. There was the sound of footsteps outside and he panicked. "Shit." He hid behind a four foot rack of dishes. A doctor walked in and helped himself to some food. Sam mouthed a silent curse. "Fuck."

The doctor left and Sam breathed a sigh of relief.

The nurse walked in to find the couple with empty ice cream cups littered all over the bed. They were both still eating and when they looked up the nurse saw that their mouths were surrounded by dried ice cream. She crossed her arms. "Well I can see SOMEONE has helped themselves to our food supply."

Sam and Alyssa started to laugh like misbehaving children. Alyssa stopped suddenly.

"Oww!"

Sam's laugh melted off his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. The muscles around my ribs hurt from pushing."

"Ask the nurse for a painkiller."

"Yeah like they'll want to do that for me now, after we've devoured all their desserts."

Sam smiled. "I'll force them to."

"Damn you for making me laugh!"

"Me? I didn't do anything."

"Shutup!" She flung some ice cream at him with her spoon. It landed on his cheek.

He raised an eyebrow. "Real mature."

She tried to suppress her giggle. "You're doing it again!"

"What? I freaking look at you and it makes you laugh. What am I supposed to do about it?"

"I can't help it. It's…you're funny."

"That's one I haven't heard before."

"Well you are." She said calmly with the faintest smile on her face.

He grinned and kissed her softly. "You're crazy." He whispered against her lips.

"I have to be if I married _you_." She said wickedly.

"True."

Not too long after Alyssa finally succumbed to her fatigue and fell asleep. Sam watched her until he fell asleep himself. An hour after he felt a hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw Robin looking down at him. He smiled sleepily and stood up. He wrapped his arms around her. She covered his cheeks with numerous kisses.

He kissed Robin's forehead. "You should be kissing Alyssa. She's the one who was pushing for three hours."

Colleen stood in the doorway awkwardly, giving Sam and Robin space to have their mother-son moment. Sam noticed her lingering over the threshold and smiled.

He ran over giddily. "Hey grandma!" he lifted her off the ground.

Sam and Colleen had never been incredibly close. He had always felt like he had slighted her by marrying Alyssa. He was sure Colleen thought Alyssa deserved better. Even when he got a high paying job and he could provide for her. There was always that incessant thought in his head.

In that very moment, though, Sam could care less. He wanted to share his happiness with everybody. When he spun her she screamed. When he placed her back on the ground she laughed.

Colleen's scream woke Alyssa up. "Mommy!" Alyssa yelled excitedly.

Colleen sat on the edge of Alyssa's bed and hugged her daughter tight. With her cheek pressed to Colleen's and her eyes closed she shouted. "Group hug!"

Sam and Robin joined in the embrace.

The air seemed almost alive with happiness.


	64. My Girl

**A/N: So this chapter is a bit less fluffy and more sad than previous chapters. To MissusNorris. It's completely okay you haven't reviewed. I'm sorry fanfictionnet is being a bitch. Alrightly, onto to the chapter…**

Part IV

Chapter 64

My Girl

You could be my unintended  
Choice to live my life extended  
You could be the one I'll always love  
You could be the one who listens  
To my deepest inquisitions  
You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can  
But I'm busy mending broken  
Pieces of the life I had before

-Unintended-Muse

Alexandra Nelson would always be more special, more beautiful, and more extraordinary than anyone she knew or any place she'd been. She was born under less than average circumstances. She lived in a rundown town in southern California. Her house had two bedrooms, a kitchen and a bathroom. She shared her bedroom with three other siblings, a brother and two sisters. All her clothes were from the Salvation Army.

But even so she had the face of an angel, russet curls and blue eyes, and the voice of siren. She was special and she knew it.

Her family loved her endlessly. Their love wasn't enough. Their love couldn't stop the yearning inside her for something better. She knew she deserved something better. She belonged among the stars.

When she was 20 she got her wish. She met a handsome young man at the university she was attending. He was beautiful, with hair as black as the night and eyes like emeralds. He was chivalrous; he opened every door for her and paid on every date. He always told she was pretty. He was perfect. But most importantly he was rich. And when she married him a year later she was rich too. She had finally escaped those humble roots of hers.

Somewhere down the road she could have called herself stupid for not staying in that small town, for marrying Caleb Monroe. He revealed his true colors months into their marriage. He was condescending, and controlling, and possessive. He needed to know where Alexandra was at all times and who she was with. She couldn't leave the house without his consent. He never liked the meals she cooked for him, no matter how good they were. Many a night he'd throw the pot of food she'd prepared, the food splashing out onto the kitchen floor.

Once she sang like a nightingale. After she married Caleb she never sang again.

When their son George was born a year later the world seemed brighter. She was still disheartened, but George was her reason to be alive.

Unlike his father, George was kind and generous. When he grew up to be a handsome young man with unfaltering dreams that hadn't been crushed by Cale and his abuse, Alexandra knew she had done at least one thing right in her life.

The night she died, George's face was the last thought on her mind. She saw his steel gray eyes and black curls and his sweet, little smile. That smile was the last thing she saw before a drunken Caleb drove into another car and her neck snapped.

No one would ever know her story the way George did. She told him all the things she had wished for, all the things Caleb had done to her. She revealed her life in almost memoir like fashion to him. He was the only one who knew the story of a small town girl who never got what she wanted, whose dreams wilted like a flower deprived of the sun.

When George died that beautiful summer day back in 2000 only one other person knew Alexandra's story. One black haired, blue green eyed sixteen year old boy.

Sam could have chosen any name to give his and Alyssa's daughter. There were a million cutesy, flowery names, and meaningful names he could have given her.

Sam chose Alexandra. A tribute to his late father and his late grandmother.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The blue sky was spotted with puffy clouds, like white cotton candy glued to a canvas of periwinkle. Alexandra's face was turned toward the sky, her eyes creating shapes in the clouds. Her raven hair was already past her shoulders, cascading waves. Her raspberry lips, her only physical trait from Alyssa, curled up as she spotted a pony. Her eyes sparkled in the sun. She had Sam's best feature.

"Look daddy! Pony!" She pointed excitedly. Sam looked down at her in his arms and smiled.

Alyssa set down their picnic basket by a headstone and sat down, her floral sundress pooling around her. Sam kneeled and put Alexandra down onto the ground. She was confused, looking around.

Sam took her tiny hand in his and walked her toward the headstone. She looked at him with bewilderment.

He kissed her nose. "You're so beautiful." He whispered. Then his eyes settled on the engraved lettering that spelled out George Monroe, 1955-2000.

"Ally…I'd like you to meet your grandpa."

"Grampa." She echoed. She looked at Sam. "Grampa."

He couldn't help it. He didn't want to break down in front of her, but it was a battle he knew he wouldn't win. Little drops made their way past his black lashes. It wasn't fair. She should be talking to a person, looking into George's eyes. But all she had of her grandfather was a piece of stone. George would have been so happy.

Alexandra noticed her father's distress. She walked back to Sam. "Daddy."

He wrapped his arms around her. "Hi, baby." She reached her hand out and touched his face, her fingers brushing over the wetness on his cheeks. He kissed her little fingers. She giggled. "Dat tickels."

He smiled and his memories brought him to a sunny afternoon when he was 11 and still half innocent.

_Alyssa sat across him in the grass on the cliff her house was on. She threw something at him. He didn't remember what. But he remembered lunging himself at her and tickling her. She screamed and fell limply into his arms. _

_That was his trick. He couldn't ask her to hug him. That'd be weird. She'd know he loved her then. So he'd tickle her and her body would be overtaken with a sort of paralysis and she'd fall into his arms._

_He could feel her laugh against him. He sighed and pressed his lips to the crown of her head. His fingers combed through her hair and his eyes closed._

He buckled Alexandra into her car-seat and watched Alyssa sit down next to her. He cupped Alyssa's face and his mouth covered hers in a deep, slow kiss. When he pulled away, he locked eyes with her. "I love you."

Alyssa smiled. "I love you too."

Sometimes life felt like a dream, a beautiful, sickly sweet dream. Sam was sure he'd never wake up from this one, though.


	65. All is Full of Love

**A/N: This chapter is rated M for some pretty explicit lemon. Also to any Ian Somerhalder fans who may be reading this, I apologize in advance. Josh makes a short appearance in this chapter and I don't treat him very nicely. Thanks again to Missus Norris for being a faithful reader and reviewer. **

Part IV

Chapter Sixty-five

All is full of Love

Sam didn't remember much of high school. He never cared enough about it to remember. And he was usually too strung out to remember anyway even if he wanted to. You couldn't really forget a person like Josh. It was difficult not to remember an asshole like him.

Sam expected that Josh would become a male model or a talentless actor who couldn't act if his life depended on it. The kind of actor that only maintained fame because of the hordes of rabid female fans drooling over him. Sam was sure that Josh's looks would get him to the top.

But people's sins catch up with them and Josh's caught up with him.

Josh was never the kind for work, mental or physical. He was too high class and too pretty to be brought down to that level. Life was merely a game he could win by his looks and his looks alone.

When the class of 2002 graduated from high school there were no more losers to manipulate, exploit, and use. And like he suggested to Sam that night years ago whoring yourself beat work.

So Josh stopped being a pimp and started being a whore. The only way he could get through sucking dick, having another man suck his dick, and being fucked by another man was to be as high as possible.

Initially he made a shitload of money. Enough that he could rent a decent apartment and wear designer clothing. But eventually all the money he earned from whoring himself was being used on drugs. Mids were cheap and in comparison to other drugs weed was cheap itself. But weed was for pussies who couldn't handle real highs. Josh preferred OC's and coke and those were a bit more expensive. Soon his habit became so costly that he was whoring himself for drugs alone and he was using those drugs to forget that he was whoring himself for drugs.

When Sam saw Josh in the local convenient store parking lot he guessed Josh was probably whoring someone. Except that he saw a middle-aged man stuff a few bills into Josh's pants pockets and smile at him lustfully.

It had been 10 years since Sam had last seen Josh. But if you looked at Josh's face you'd think it has been 20. Permanent dark circles stained underneath his eyes. His face was gaunt and his hair thinning. In some places there were patches missing entirely. His skin was sickly pale and it looked rough, like stone. Sam felt a sadistic sense of vindication at Josh's appalling appearance. Josh felt someone staring and turned around. Sam ducked his head slightly, pretending he was looking for something in the car. He could've been any guy with dark hair. When he was sure Josh was no longer looking his way he started the car and drove up to the convenient store entrance. Alyssa stood at the curb, two year old Alexandra in her arms. Sam stepped out of the car. Alyssa put Alexandra down and she ran towards Sam, black wavy hair flowing behind her. "Daddy!"

Sam laughed and outstretched his arms. When she threw her chubby arms around his neck he scooped her up. He growled in her hair playfully as she tucked her tiny head under his chin. "Monster's got you, Ally!"

"Spin me, daddy, spin me!" She yelled.

He growled again and spun her. She screamed which made him laugh. She was quiet in his arms, her round cheek over his heartbeat. He closed his eyes and let the peace wash over him. "I love you." He said softly.

She responded in a whisper. "I love you too."

When he opened his eyes he noticed Alyssa gazing back at him with a loving smile on her face. He smiled back tenderly.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa lay along Sam's reclined body on the chaise lounge patio chair in their front yard. Her fingers were curled around his. His voice broke the silence.

"I wanna talk to you about something."

"Is something wrong?" she asked with the slightest concern.

"No." he chuckled. "I've been thinking…Ally makes me so happy. I've never felt so at peace. You and her give me a sense of direction."

"Where are you going with this?"

"You're probably gonna say no."

Alyssa smiled. "Sam?"

" I want another one."

She shifted, sitting on his lap and facing him. "Another baby?"

He stroked her cheek and looked into her eyes. "You can say no. I just thought there wasn't any harm in asking."

She feathered kisses up his neck. "I'll make you a deal. The answer is yes if you agree that this'll be the last kid we have for a while."

He wrapped his arms around her. "Yes?" he whispered.

She brushed her nose across his. "Yes."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The room was dimly lit. Sam kissed Alyssa's neck, her collarbone, between her breasts, down her belly. When his hips settled onto hers, she wrapped her arms around him.

For Sam and Alyssa making love was always special, but tonight it was full of meaning. Knowing they were possibly making a baby imbued it with purpose, made it euphoric.

He was impossibly gentle, his face buried in her hair as he moved inside her slowly. He propped himself on his elbows and arched his neck a bit, his eyes shut and his lips parted in a sigh. He looked back down at her with half lidded eyes, fisting the sheets and resumed rocking his hips into hers.

10 minutes later she finally came. By then he was thrusting inside her insistently. She could hear his muffled moan in the pillow as he spilled into her, like molten metal.

They lay entwined in the afterglow. She smiled at the sight of his face. His hair was damp and a few stray curls were plastered to his forehead. His cheeks were rosy.

She stroked his face. He covered her hand with his and smiled.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Every moment they had to spare, every stretch of day or night when they had time to themselves was filled with lovemaking. When Alyssa missed her period that month she was hopeful that it had worked. She bought a test, a few just to be sure. Every one of them was positive. She squealed in joy in the bathroom. But she didn't want to tell Sam until she was absolutely certain. That night at dinner, he noticed that she was in her thoughts.

"You're unusually quiet."

She smiled. "I was just thinking of you. How much I love you."

His lips curled in a crooked smile. "The cheesy confessions of love are reserved for me."

"Oh." She laughed.

Ally hopped out of her chair. Sam followed, scooping her up. "Daddy!" She yelled. He kissed her forehead.

Alyssa smiled tenderly and rubbed her tummy. She couldn't wait to tell him.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The next day after her appointment with her gynecologist she decided it was time. She was wrapped up in his arms on their patio, her lips over his throat. "I wanna tell you something." She whispered.

He moved his hands up and down her back affectionately. "What?" He asked softly.

"It worked."

"What worked?" He was swaying her to some non-existent song.

She kissed his pulse point. "We made a baby."

He was incredulous. He cupped her face, his eyes wide. "Really?"

She nodded. He smiled from ear to ear. Then he dropped to his knees. She laughed softly when she felt his lips on her belly. He was on his feet again. He lifted her up off the floor so her eyes were level with his. Her feet hung in the air. His mouth covered hers.

It was like she was in love with him for the first time again.


	66. In this Moment I am Happy

**A/N: Thanks Missus Norris for being such a loyal reader, even if you are the only one. Onto the fluff.**

Part IV

Chapter Sixty-six

In this Moment, I am Happy

_Live like you mean it_

_Love till you feel it_

_It's all that we need in our lives_

_Don't fall, just be who you are_

_It's all that we need in our lives_

(Before it's too late-Goo Goo Dolls)

It was around noontime. Sam had the day off from work. Ally was wearing a fairy costume and singing to Disney songs. Alyssa laughed. "Looks like we have our own little Disney princess right here."

"But there's a monster who wants the princess." He ran up behind her and growled. 'What're you gonna do, Ally?

She screamed. He turned her around and stared into her eyes. She wrapped her short arms around his neck. "You're not a monster, daddy."

'So I don't scare you?" he feigned disappointment.

She laughed. He kissed her cheek. She laughed harder. Once she stopped giggling, Ally looked into his eyes with love. She brushed her fingers over his lashes. He flinched and grinned. "What are you doing?"

"Your eyes are pretty."

Sam smirked and looked over at Alyssa. "She just called me pretty. I'm a little offended."

Alyssa stifled her laugh. "You are pretty."

"I think you mean handsome."

"No I mean pretty."

He had a look of mock offense on his face. Ally giggled in his arms. "Well, no more play time for you, missy." He set her down on the ground and she ran off to the TV where she continued to sing.

Alyssa mixed mash potatoes in a bowl on the kitchen counter. She felt Sam's arms wrap around her from behind. His lips were at her neck and his hands settled over the slight rise of her belly.

"Sam, I'm trying to cook."

"I can see that. What's the problem?"

"I can't do much of anything when you touch me like that."

"I guess I should be flattered?"

She turned around and looked up into his eyes. She pecked his lips. "There you go. No leave me alone."

He laughed. "That was weak!" he picked her up and put her on the counter. "Let me show you how it's really done." He wrapped her legs around his waist and his lips crashed onto hers. She sighed into his mouth and he responded by pressing himself to her more closely, using the counter as leverage. Of course he didn't see the bowl his hand got stuck in. He pulled his mouth from hers. "What the fuck?"

She laughed. "You ruined our lunch!"

He rubbed some mashed potatoes on her nose. "Aww you look so cute."

"Oh yeah?" She reached into the bowl and spread some into his hair.

"You deserve to be punished for that." He kissed her again.

Ally skipped into the kitchen. "Daddy, what are you doing to mommy?"

He tore his lips from hers. "Shit." "I was cleaning the mashed potatoes off her face."

Alyssa smirked. 'With your lips."

"You guys are funny." She skipped away.

Sam sighed in relief. "That was so close."

"Yeah, a little early to give her the talk."

"You think?"

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa held up a little blue Onesie with white polka dots on it. "What do you think?"

Sam laughed. "It's great. You know, you're the one having the baby. I think you've earned the right to buy whatever you want for him."

"What if I pick some horrendously ugly thing?"

"You'd be doing better than me. I hardly know how to dress _myself. _Let alone anyone else.

Her eye caught something else. "Oooh." It was a butter yellow shirt over teal pants. "Awww!"

She dropped it into their shopping cart. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her temple. "I love it when you're like this."

"Like what?"

"Happy. Motherly." He rubbed her tummy affectionately.

"I love you all the time." She replied, her hands covering his.

"Even when I'm in one of my pissy moods?"

She smiled. "Even then."

_I lay my head onto the sand.  
The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it_

_I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless _

_And in this moment I am happy_

(Wish you were here-Incubus)


	67. Nothing is Real Til it's Gone

**A/N: The song in this chapter is Iridescent by Linkin Park. I just thought that writing that after the lyrics would ruin the flow of the story and the flow is especially important in this chapter because some pretty intense stuff takes place. **

Part IV

Chapter Sixty-Seven

Nothing is Real Til it's Gone

_You were standing in the wake of devastation  
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown  
And with the cataclysm raining down  
Insides crying "Save me now"  
You were there, impossibly alone_

There were many things in Alyssa's life that like broken glass cut into her. Sam was one of them.

He was like a rose, beautiful, but covered in thorns that tore your skin if you got too close.

For a while now he was good. He had the maturity he lacked during his tumultuous youth, the serenity that was missing when he was a boy. He had strength.

But those didn't make him immune to life. Not even now.

She hated to hear him cry. It was one of the most hurtful sounds she had heard. Most of the time he kept his emotions locked away behind his stoic exterior, behind eyes of impenetrable ice. If something bothered him, he kept it hidden.

Again she worried about losing him to his own pain.

One afternoon his unfaltering bliss found itself rife with puncture wounds. It was their second ultrasound appointment. Their smiles faded slightly when they noticed the technicians face. She looked…concerned. Sam's hand tightened around Alyssa's.

"Is there something we should know?"

She turned to face them with a serious demeanor. "Your baby's heartbeat is irregular."

Alyssa looked over at Sam. His grip on her hand loosened and his face paled noticeably. "What does that mean?"

"It could be nothing, just a coincidence. Or it could mean he has a heart murmur or some sort of heart defect."

"Is…it fatal?" Sam asked in a crestfallen voice.

"It's hard to tell. It depends on the severity. All your wife can do now is come in for routine visits. And I recommend no strenuous physical activity for her. Bed rest would probably be the best thing."

Alyssa ran her fingers across Sam's brow. "It'll be okay."

"I'm sorry." The woman looked at them sympathetically. "I wouldn't worry yourselves too much. It could be nothing."

The technician walked out quietly. Alyssa looked at Sam. He looked away with a bowed head and covered his face with his hands. His shoulders bobbed and she heard the heartbreaking sounds of his sobbing.

"It could just be a fluke. He could be excited in there." She caressed Sam's back consolingly.

His voice came out in gasps. "Or it could be serious." He raised his head from his hands. "Do you know how many people die from heart conditions every year?"

"Our baby's not gonna die." She said softly.

His eyes were glazed over with unshed tears, like blue-green diamonds. "How do you know?"

She got off the bed and sat on his lap, taking him into her embrace. "Have faith. Everything will be okay."

His sobs shook her. She buried her fingers in his hair, stroking the back of his head soothingly.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa's last few examinations had been good. Nothing out of the ordinary. Her doctor still recommended she not put stress on herself.

Sam hadn't been himself. She could see the sadness in everything he did. He hadn't made love to her in a while.

After her last few appointments had shown good signs he started to come out of his depression.

She opened her eyes and reveled in being wrapped up tight in his arms. His bare skin was so warm against her back. She shifted in his embrace, burying her face in his chest and breathing in his scent.

"You're doing it again." His voice was deep and soft.

"What?"

"Smelling me."

She laughed. "What, does it bother you? I like the way you smell."

"No, it's just weird."

"Yeah, like you don't like the way I smell."

"I love the way you smell. I'm just not as obvious about it as you are." He replied.

"You're so mean. You know sensitive my hormones make me."

"Stop using your knocked up state as an excuse for everything."

She laughed. Then she was suddenly very still.

"What?"

"He's moving."

"Oh." Sam smiled. She took his hands and guided them along her belly.

"Right there." She said softly

He felt stirring under his palms. His smile reached from ear to ear. "I love you."

She smiled back at him, looking at wonder paint his features.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

They were going grocery shopping. Sam helped Alyssa out of the car. His lips curled in a boyish smile. She threw her arms around his neck. He kissed her softly, coaxing little sighs out of her as he moved his mouth across hers. He cupped her face and parted her lips with his. His hand molded itself to her shoulder. She whimpered against the kiss when she felt him palm her breast. She pulled away and he pushed her up against the car gently. She arched her neck as he pressed open mouthed kisses along her throat.

She moaned. "Oh, Sam. I want you to do me."

She felt his soft chuckle against her skin. "Tonight, after Ally's asleep."

She kissed his cheek. Sam opened the car door and unbuckled Alexandra. She hopped put happily, dancing around her mother's feet. Sam smiled. "Don't take too long shopping, okay?"

Alyssa smiled back. "I can't make any promises." She linked hands with Alexandra and they walked into the grocery store.

Sam reached for the car's glove compartment where he pulled out a pack of Marlboros. He had promised Alyssa he'd stop, but it was easier said than done. Besides, he didn't do it all that often. He leaned against the frame of the car and lit up, taking deep drags. He closed his eyes and he was back under that weeping willow in high school.

_Alyssa's head was on his lap and she looked up at him sweetly. He leaned down and kissed her._

He was broken out of his reverie by the sound of voices. A group of guys were walking toward him with quiet determination. The hair on the back of his stood up and he felt chills run up his spine. He was too old to be frightened like that, but they looked vaguely familiar.

"Hey, Monroe. Josh has a message for you."

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" He asked warily.

"I think you do." One said, a wicked smile creeping into his features.

They circled around him, trapping him by the car. One pulled an aluminum baseball bat out of his backpack. Sam's eyes focused on it terrified. "Whatever Josh wants with me, isn't gonna be fixed like this."

"Oh I think it will."

Sam went to yell for help, but one of Josh's cronies clamped a hand over his mouth. He punched Sam repeatedly in the ribs. He stumbled and they took advantage, the bat broke the air, moving so fast it made the air whistle. It struck his back and he fell onto the grass. He coughed and felt something wet spray onto his lips. Blood leaked out of his mouth.

Alyssa was in his thoughts, her face in the sun. He was genuinely scared for his life. But more than anything he was scared for Alyssa. How would she go on without him?

He couldn't speak so in his mind he spoke. "Dad…"

He felt a hard kick to his head. Stars spotted his vision. Kicks to his face. Something solid hit the back of his skull and he fell into a lifeless abyss.

_And in a burst of light that blinded every angel  
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars  
You felt the gravity of tempered grace  
Falling into empty space  
No one there to catch you in their arms_

Alyssa pushed her shopping cart toward the car. "Sam! I'm all done!" he didn't answer. Alyssa looked around. "Sam?"

Alexandra ran over onto the grass. She stopped, looking at something and cried. Alyssa went over. Her hand clamped over her mouth, stifling sobs when she saw what Ally was looking at. Sam was lying on his side on the ground, his face bloodied and bruised. There was blood splatter on his lips. His eyes were shut, but they looked like gaping holes, so badly bruised. She dropped to her knees. "Sam!"

She turned him over so he was facing the sky. She rested her palm over his chest and was relieved slightly when she felt the fluttering of his heart. She stroked his face, caked with dried blood. 'Who did this to you?" She whispered. She touched his head and her eyes filled with tears when she saw wet crimson stain her finger tips. She took out her cell phone and dialed 911. She never thought she'd lose him…not like this. Not when she needed him the most.

_Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?  
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known  
Remember all the sadness and frustration  
And let it go. Let it go_

She held little Ally in her arms, running her fingers through the girl's raven hair consolingly. The sound of ambulance sirens filled the air. They sounded distant to her, like she was underwater. Her eyes went out of focus and the scene before her disappeared.

_Sam was looking down at her. She could hear the faint sound of people cheering. They had just exchanged their vows and he was smiling at her. He looked adorable in a tux. He mouthed something. I love you. _

_They were sitting across from each other on the hardwood floor of their house. Ally waddled toward Sam. His arms were outstretched and he was smiling from ear to ear. "Come here, baby. Come on. Yeah…that's right."_

_She giggled and stumbled into his arms. His cheek was on the crown of her head. His eyes were closed. "Good job. Daddy's so proud of you."_

_Alyssa was in his arms. She laughed as he ran upstairs. They were entwined under the bed sheets. His mouth was locked with hers. The sheets twisted and tangled around them as they rolled across the mattress._

_Later, they lay face to face and he stroked her cheek. _

The sun set in her mind.


	68. Sinking Like A Stone In The Sea

**A/N: Thanks Missus Norris for being a loyal reader and reviewer. I appreciate your honesty. I'd appreciate it a hell of a lot more if I'd get more reviews. I check my hits regularly cuz you can do that on fanfictionnet and the amount of hits I get does not equal the amount of reviews. This month I've had 209 hits and 58 visitors. I've only had two reviews and they're all by the same person (Missus Norris). Now I know this isn't the best story on this site, but it's certainly far from the worst. Going to the miscellaneous section of this site and seeing freaking Jonas Brother fics which are less story and more drooling over an annoying boy band get nearly 100 reviews is a bit insulting to me. I work hard writing this. It doesn't just come out of my head magically. I spend hours on each chapter and I stay up long nights to finish them. While I write because I love to, I posted this here so I could get feedback. Otherwise I'd just leave it on my hard-drive for my own reading pleasure. I posted also because the Life As A House section here is shameful. I mean four fics beside mine? It's a beautiful film and deserves more than a few fics. So I decided, let's post my fic on the site and give the film some love. I don't want to sound like a bitch, but I think my fic deserves some love too. Anyway, long rant aside, here's the new chapter.**

Part IV

Chapter Sixty-eight

Sinking Like a Stone in the Sea

_They've clipped my wings again  
Tore them apart and then  
Left me  
No use to fly away to  
My yesterday  
Of freedom  
My eyes died back that day  
Seeing the hurt I may have done  
Beat me instead of them  
Pain is my only zen  
Of fun_

I'll go where secrets are sold  
Where roses unfold  
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song  
Blood on my hands to stay strong  
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong  
There is no right to heal the wrong  
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die  
I can't throw up don't think I even want to try

_Lemon-Katy Rose_

The ambulance ride to the emergency room was absolute hell. Alyssa felt sick. Ally was sitting next to her. She was quiet. She had stopped crying, her voice coming out in a raspy hiccup. "Is daddy gonna die?"

Alyssa looked at Ally solemnly, and uttered not a single word. She wanted to die herself. A few moments after the ambulance had arrived Sam had stopped breathing. He had an oxygen mask over his mouth. Despite the paramedics best efforts he was still unconscious.

They wheeled his bed past the ER doors. Alyssa sat down. Ally was next to her. Alyssa put her head in her hands. Tears poured over her face as she wept. She cried until she was dry. A doctor walked up to her some time later. He sat down next to her, somber.

"Your husband was severely beaten. A few of his ribs are broken. His arm is broken. His skull is fractured. He has a concussion. It's a wonder he's even alive."

"How is he?"

"Still unconscious. We have him on a ventilator. He won't breathe on his own."

"If he can't breathe by himself…that means he's dying doesn't it? You'll have to take him off the ventilators at some point."

"Only with your permission. But I don't think he'll need the machines. Besides the breathing issue his vitals look okay. I think once the swelling in his brain goes down he'll be fine. You can only hope for the best."

She nodded and smiled weakly. "Thank you, doctor."

When he walked back into the ER, Alyssa pulled out her cell phone and dialed Robin's number. Robin picked up.

"Alyssa, hi."

"Hi." She replied hollowly.

Robin was silent for a moment. "What's wrong, honey?"

"I need you to come to the hospital."

"Is there something wrong?"

"I was grocery shopping this afternoon. Sam was waiting for me outside. I guess he was assaulted in the parking lot. He's…he's in really bad shape."

Alyssa could hear Robin's weeping on the other side of the line. "I'm sorry."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

An hour later, Alyssa and Ally walked hand in hand alongside Robin to Sam's room. He looked horrific. He had a black eye, a bruise in a deep shade of purple stretched from his cheek up into his hairline. He had a split lip. His hair was matted with blood. Alyssa stood in front of Ally.

"I don't think it's good for you to be in here."

'She was the one who found him, Alyssa. She can handle it." Robin said softly.

Alyssa was slightly angered by that. "She's three years old for Christ's sake. It's too much!"

"She should be allowed to spend some time with him. For all we know, this could be our last day with him."

Alyssa's lips quivered. "How…how could you say that?"

"Look at him, Alyssa. He looks like he's on death's doorstep."

"Don't talk like that in front of Ally."

"I'm sorry." Robin wrapped her arms around the distraught young woman.

Alyssa cried into her shoulder.

X-x-x-x-x—x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa had drifted off to sleep.

_She was in a cemetery. There was a casket surrounded by mourners. She walked up and placed roses onto Sam's chest. He looked beautiful even in death. Robin's arm was linked with Peter. Adam and Ryan stood beside them. They all looked upon Sam's lifeless face solemnly. Colleen was holding Ally in her arms, her eyes glued to Sam._

_Alyssa felt something wet on her thighs and looked down. Blood trailed down her legs. She grew dizzy as her dead husband's child flowed out of her. She fell to the ground and people ran over to her._

Alyssa woke with a start, heart hammering against her chest. Her hands were instantly on her round belly. She was relieved when it stirred within her.

But even so, she was worried. How could she raise two children on her own? They'd suffer without a father. What would she do?

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

For the first time in five years Alyssa slept in bed without Sam by her side. The sheets still smelled like him, spicy and sweet at the same time. Her hands reached out to where he would have been sleeping, feeling the sheets under her palms.

_It was a decade ago and she was straddling him in the car. He looked at her, his eyes half lidded. His hands moved to the small of her back, where he pushed her so their hips fit together more snugly. His hands crept up her thighs. And then up her arms, over her shoulders. He cupped her face gently and kissed her. She sighed against his mouth, her palm over his chest, feeling his heart hammer against his ribs for her. _

_Ally was a barely month old and it was late at night. She had woken Sam and Alyssa with her ear shrilling crying. Nothing made her stop. They fed her, burped her. And then a thought filled Sam's exhausted mind. "We used to rock you to sleep to this." _

_He disappeared and Alyssa wondered where he went. "You are NOT leaving me here with her all alone!"_

_He reappeared in an instant. "I'm not leaving you alone." He put down a CD player and put a CD in. _

_Alyssa smiled. "Good old Joni Mitchell."_

"_Well from what my mom and dad told me it worked for me when I was a baby."_

'_Aww, I didn't know that. That's cute." She began rocking Ally in her arms. Her crying eased a bit, but she was still crying nonetheless._

_Sam held out his arms. "Here, let me try." He took Ally and held her against himself, her tiny head on his shoulder. He danced slowly and she stopped crying._

_Alyssa smiled ear to ear. "You're so good at this."_

"_Who knew?"_

_She walked over and kissed his cheek. He smiled back at her with love. _

She fisted the sheets and the tears bubbled over. God, it would hurt so much not to have him around, not to see his soul warming smile or his sweet laugh. Not to feel his touch on her skin. They had been through so much together. They had grown up side by side. He was half of her.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

_My love, leave yourself behind  
Beat inside me, leave you blind  
My love, you have found peace  
You were searching for relief_

_You gave it all, gave into the call_  
_You took a chance and_  
_You took a fall for us_

_You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully_  
_You taught me honor, you did it for me_

_Tonight you will sleep for good_  
_You will wait for me my love_

Sam could breathe on his own now. That should've comforted Alyssa. But it didn't.

He still looked so fragile. The bruises on his face hadn't faded in the slightest.

She feared that his heart would stop beating and she would be left all alone, all alone with a little girl and a fatherless child in her womb.

Ally was so sad. She was very young, but at three she already understood the concept of death. She understood that when a person died, there was no bringing them back. And she understood that her daddy was very close to death. She was lying with him, her head on his chest. "I love you, daddy." Her fingers spread out over his heart. "Please don't die."

Alyssa placed her face in her hands and sobbed. She felt something brush her arm.

"Don't cry." The voice was warm and deep…and masculine. She raised her head. She was shocked to find a bit of blue between bruised eyelids. His voice was raspy. "I hate it when you cry."

She wrapped her arms around him. 'Sam!"

Ally sat up and bounced up and down on the bed. "Daddy!"

She hugged him too.

"Oww! You're hurting me!" His voice cracked.

Alyssa laughed, a much needed laugh mixed with tears of joy and pulled away. "Oh Sam. I thought I was going to lose you."

He locked eyes with her. "No. I have too strong a will. I wouldn't let that happen. I have too much to live for."

She stroked his cheek gently. "God, I love you."

He covered her hand with his. "I love you, too."

_My love, leave yourself behind  
Beat inside me, leave you blind  
My love, look what you can do  
I am mending, I'll be with you_

You took my hand added a plan  
You gave me your heart  
I asked you to dance with me

You loved honestly  
Did what you could release

_Now I am strong  
You gave me all  
You gave all you had and now I am home_

_My love-Sia _


	69. Keep on Laughing

Part IV

Chapter Sixty-nine

Keep on Laughing

_Days of roses and wine  
Drifting astray  
With your hand in mine  
You stroke my fears away  
And make me wanna stay  
And bonfires lit up the shores_

_Walk far, far away_  
_To go beside you_  
_Is where I want to be_  
_Walk far, far away_  
_To laugh, to love_

_Walk far, far away_  
_Where to go and hide?_  
_We're going to the sea_  
_Walk far, far away_  
_To laugh, to love_

_And this is how it went;_  
_I am here to stay_  
_Roaring with the wind_  
_There's life within_

_This is what I give_  
_A circle is complete_  
_Another circle spins_  
_There's life within_  
_Within_

_Bonfires-Blue Foundation_

It was a beautiful spring day, the blossoms of the trees falling like snow onto the newly green grass. The sun bathed everything in its golden glow.

Sam was allowed a month off of work to recuperate from his injuries. He sat in the grass of a local park, letting the soothing breeze wash over him. It calmed the aching in his head. Ever since he was attacked, he was plagued with intense migraines. But the fresh air made him feel better.

His wife and daughter also made him feel better. Alyssa was kneeling behind Ally, who wearing a white eyelet lace trimmed dress. Alyssa was braiding wildflowers into her black hair. When she finished, Ally sprinted away with energy, running through the overgrown grass of the meadow they were in. She twirled, her skirt billowing around her little legs and began singing.

"Dancing bears, painted wings,

Things I almost remember

And a song someone sings

Once upon a December"

She ran over to Sam and continued to sing.

"Wow, you know all the words." He said with a smile on his face. "You're so smart."

She crawled into his lap and looked up into his eyes. "Thankies." She kissed his cheek.

His eyes softened. He ran his hands through her wavy, dark hair and looked into eyes that mirrored his own.

"Tell me a story."

"Isn't it a little early in the day for bedtime stories?"

"STORY!"

He laughed. "Okay." He paused and thought for a moment. "Once upon a time in a kingdom by the sea, there were two castles side by side. In one lived a little princess. In the other lived a little prince. They were best friends. They were always together. But the little prince's mother and father were unhappy. One day, the little prince's mother took him away. He missed his father and he missed the little princess. But he would visit his old castle and on those days he would be with the little princess. But still the prince was sad. His father would never talk to him or spend any time with him. His mother married a new king. The king wasn't kind to the little prince. The prince grew tired of his sadness. Someone showed him a magic potion. It was said to take all your troubles away. The prince drank it. It did take his troubles away, put him in a dream state. But only for a short time. Then he felt unhappy again. And worse, afterwards he was angry and mean. So he kept drinking it. After a while he turned into a monster and his heart turned into ice. Knowing people did not like monsters he hid himself away in his new castle. After many years, his father saw his little prince had turned into such an ugly, horrible thing. He decided to save the prince and brought him to his old castle. At first the prince was furious. So he drank more of his potion to forget his troubles. But it didn't make him forget anymore. Instead it made him feel sick. Even though the prince was a monster and had been terrible to him, the prince's father still wanted to help him and did not give up. He cast a spell that changed him from a monster back to himself. The spell melted the prince's frozen heart. The prince still wasn't happy. There was something missing in his life. When he saw that his friend, the little princess had grown up into a beautiful young woman, he knew what was missing. But he was too afraid to tell her he loved her. Afraid he wasn't good enough, afraid that she wouldn't love him back. One day, though, he asked her if he could kiss her. At first she was surprised, she said no. But the prince didn't give up and finally she said yes. So he kissed her and she fell in love with him. The prince was finally happy. But it was short lived. The prince's father became very ill. He died. The prince was very sad for a while. But the princess's love saved him and made him happy again. The prince and princess married not soon after and lived happily ever after."

She lifted her head off his chest where it was resting. "I like that story."

Sam smiled softly. "I do too."

Alyssa sat down beside them. "I like that story too. It's me and your daddy's favorite fairytale."

Sam held out his hand and curled his fingers around her. "Yeah, I wonder why."

She smiled. "Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the prince is sitting right next to me."

"Maybe."

Ally's eyes widened. "You're a prince!"

Alyssa and Sam looked at each other and burst into awkwardly loud laughter. Ally looked confused.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Ally was tired and Alyssa put her to bed. It was nice to have an afternoon to themselves.

Sam's cheek was on Alyssa's shoulder. Her hand covered his as she felt his touch on her tummy. His voice was soft when he broke the silence. "What do you want to name him?"

"Adrian?"

"I don't know, that sounds so 18th century."

"I like old-fashioned names!" She protested. "What about Jasper?"

"What did I say about Twilight names?"

She crossed her arms and pouted. "You said no."

"Yeah, so that means no Emmett, no Carlisle, no Charlie, and _definitely_ no Edward."

She rolled her eyes. "Jerk. What about Tyler?"

He smiled. "I like it."

'Yay!"

Sam laughed and kissed her cheek.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Sam was usually a heavy sleeper. But somehow that night he couldn't sleep. About an hour into attempting to get some shut-eye he heard whimpering coming from the hallway outside Alyssa and his bedroom. He rubbed his aching eyes and sat up.

"What is it?" Came Alyssa's sleepy whisper.

"Ally's making noises. I'm gonna go and check on her."

"Okay."

He walked into her room and sure enough she was tossing and turning. He sat on the edge of her bed and placed a hand on her little arm. 'Ally."

She continued to whine in her sleep. He shook her. She stopped and her eyes opened drowsily.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, daddy. I had a bad dream."

He ran his fingers through her wavy black hair. "What did you dream about?"

"Of you. A big, scary monster got you."

He smiled. "Well, thank God it was just a dream. Do want me to read you a bedtime story?"

She nodded. "But I want one of yours. I always like them."

Twenty minutes later Ally was fast asleep. Sam saw Alyssa standing in the doorway, her head tilted to the side slightly and a gentle smile on her face.

"You're such a creep." Sam said.

Her smile widened. "You look so sweet when you put her to bed."

"Thanks."

They started walking back to their bedroom. "You shouldn't have got out of bed. I know you're tired. And the more rest you get the better."

She sighed in annoyance. "You're acting like I'm running a marathon. Stop treating me like I'm going to break."

"You know I only…." He trailed off and his eyes glazed over.

Alyssa waved a hand in front of him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired."

"Anyway, I'm really started to get annoyed with your over-protectiveness." She complained.

He stopped walking. She looked back at him. 'Sam, stop being a retard. It's not funny."

His eyes glazed over again. "I'm not…" Suddenly he fell to the floor. His eyes rolled over to the back of his head and he started convulsing.

Alyssa ran over to him. "Sam!"

His entire body shook with violent tremors. Alyssa cupped his face. "Sam!"

His eyes resumed their natural position and she could see his irises again. He stopped shaking.

"What was that?" Alyssa asked worriedly.

He came to his senses. "I…I don't know."

"That was scary. Are you alright?"

"Yeah…I just got dizzy and blacked out."

"We're taking you to the ER right now."

"I'm sure it's just cause I'm tired."

"Sam, you just had a freaking seizure."

"Okay. Call your mom to come and watch Ally."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

After some CAT scans and MRI's the doctors at the hospital still didn't have an answer. They could see nothing wrong with the scans of Sam's brain. They concluded that his seizure was probably a product of the trauma to his skull from being beaten. They prescribed him anti-seizure medication.

Sam was obviously troubled by the gravity of the situation, but he was accepting of it as long as it wasn't life threatening. Alyssa on the other hand was very angry.

"So you don't know what's wrong with him? Don't you people have degrees?"

"Miss, we've run numerous tests. We can see nothing wrong. He can take medicine to stop the symptoms."

"What if it's something serious? What if he just drops dead one day? Will you still be okay with telling me you don't know?"

Sam looked at Alyssa, a frown painting his features. 'Calm down." He looked at the doctor. "I apologize, doctor. Sometimes her temper gets the best of her, especially if it's something she's passionate about."

"Don't be such a patronizing dick, Sam. I have every right to be pissed off." Alyssa retorted back with irritation.

"It's understandable for your wife to be upset, Mr. Monroe. If my significant other was sick and no one could figure out why, I'd be frustrated too. We'll run some more tests and keep you updated. Until then you have the medication for the seizures."

He shook the doctor's hand. "Thank you."

When they were alone Alyssa unleashed her fury. "What the fuck was that?"

"They're human, Alyssa. Modern medicine can only go so far."

"You're okay with that? What if you end up dying? You can't leave me alone with two small children. I won't accept it!"

He gripped her arms gently and looked into her eyes with all the love in his heart. "I'm not gonna leave you."

"You can't control death, Sam!"

Something changed in his eyes and Alyssa saw it. They weren't warm anymore. He raised his voice, an angry yell. "You don't think I know that? Of all people you don't think I know that! I know I can't control death. If I could, my dad would still be here!"

"I'm sorry." She said softly, remorseful.

"You should be fucking sorry."

Her eyes filled up with tears. "Don't talk to me like that."

He sighed and shut his eyes. "I'm sorry. You know I don't mean anything by it."

Her eyes were cast downward and tears fell from between her lashes. Sam closed the distance between them and took her in his arms. He stroked her hair. "I love you, okay? I'm gonna try my best to stay with you and Ally…and Tyler." He felt her nod against shoulder.

"I'm just so worried. After everything's that happened."

"I understand." He kissed her head. "Sometimes, I regret getting you pregnant."

"You regret little Tyler?" she asked softly.

"No. I just…it's my fault you're freaking out like this. You wouldn't be such an emotional mess if I hadn't knocked you up."

She pulled her face from the hollow of his neck and looked at him with a dry smirk. "**I'm** an emotional mess? Sam, if anyone has emotional issues here, it's you. _**You**_ went to a shrink for years. _**You**_ cry at least three times a month. And I'm not even gonna mention your bitch fits."

Sam tried not to let his lips curl into a smile. It didn't work, he burst into laughter.

She started laughing too. Sometimes it was the best thing to do.

_I think there's something more, life's worth living for  
Who knows what could happen.  
Do what you do, just keep on laughing  
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day  
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day_

_Avril Lavigne-Who Knows_


	70. Where The Sun Shines Down

**A/N: 2-3 chapters to go. My god, I can't believe it's been an entire year since I posted this here. I'm glad it's almost over, though. I'll miss writing these characters, but it takes a load off my shoulders to be done with it. I'll get to explore my other favorite fandoms and finish original stories (I have so many I've lost count). To those who give this story more than just a passing glance and actually enjoy it, if any exist besides those who reviewed, I want to say thanks. KoodleKittens, CamelotPrincess1 (don't know why you guys stopped reviewing, if I did something I apologize) .I really appreciated your reviews in the beginning. Thanks to Ashley C as well. Thanks for believing I have a gift, that's so kind of you to say. EatyourFudge, a many thanks to you too. And last but not least, Missus Norris. Thanks for all the sweet compliments you pay me in you reviews. I doubt I'm bestseller book worthy like you say, but it's a goal I hope to accomplish one day. And on an unrelated note, you seem like a hilarious, quirky person and I hope our paths cross one day because I need more crazy people like me in my life. Hit me up on facebook, gurl!**

**I recommend listening to Mark Isham's 'A Promise' one of the beautiful songs off the laah soundtrack while reading this. It helps get into the mood of the chapter. Without further ado… **

Part IV

Chapter Seventy

Where the Sun Shines Down

_Swirling shades of blue  
Slow dancing in your eyes  
The sun kisses the earth  
and I hush my urge to cry_

_I wanna be there for you,_  
_someone you can come to_  
_runs deeper than my bones_  
_I wanna be there for you,_

_'Cause I hear the whispered words_  
_Within your masterpiece beautiful_  
_Speak the unspeakable phrase_  
_I love you too_

_Love runs deeper than my bones  
And you, you're beautiful, don't you know?_

_Flyleaf-There For You_

Sam tried to keep his cool as Alyssa rewinded the current episode of Dora the Explorer to the intro. For such a little girl, Ally had quite a set of lungs. When she sang he was surprised the car windows didn't implode and his eardrums didn't liquify.

"Dora, dora, dora the ExplorARRRR!"

He pulled into Alyssa's cul de sac street. "Oh my _freaking_ God, make it _stop_." He whined.

"The ExplorARRRRRR!"

Alyssa looked over at Sam with a smile on her face. "Well I can see she's acquired your talent for singing."

He smiled back at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Alyssa answered only with a giggle.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Sam should have remembered that Josh knew where Alyssa lived. He should have known that after what happened over a month ago that he had it out for Sam. But Josh never seemed like the type. He was so calm and collected. At least he used to be. When he had a perfect life. When he was rich. When he was popular. When he had Alyssa. He had none of those things now. He needed someone to blame it on. Sam was that someone. Unsuspected he came and swept everything out from under Josh's feet, his good fortune, his girl. Josh lost his cool when all that happened. He never regained it. A decade of whoring and losing yourself in drugs tended to make you a little crazy, but no, it was Sam who had turned Josh into the shadow he was now. That little _piece of shit fag_ took _everything_ from him.

He parked outside her house and waited, the barrel of his gun cool against his side. When he saw the three of them walk outside, Sam, Alyssa, and their little girl he stepped outside and pointed the gun at Sam.

Alyssa screamed. Her daughter wrapped her arms around her mother's leg in fear. Sam raised his arms in the air, the look of pure terror in his eyes, the blood draining out of his face.

"I've got a kid. Have a heart." Sam had always had too much pride to beg for anything. If it was a lifetime ago and he was sixteen, he would've welcomed death. But life wasn't about him anymore. It was about his wife and children.

"You took everything from me!" Josh's voice cracked as he shouted.

"What are you talking about? You were the king of O.C. high. You're loaded."

"Really? I can barely afford enough food. I've been homeless for a month!" He was almost screaming, his eyes bloodshot.

Sam's voice was soft. "There are shelters, you must have friends."

"I don't have anyone."

"So, those guys you sent to kill me, you don't know them?"

"They haven't talked to me since high school, I paid them my last scraps of cash to take care of you."

"Why would you do that? I'm nobody. You shouldn't hate anyone enough to do that."

"Do you what it's like to be fucked by disgusting old men every night? Do you know what it's like when your own parents won't even talk to you? I don't even have my whoring job anymore. I'm too ugly now. Those freaks only like them young and pretty."

Sam had gone from frightened to sad in a moment's time. "Please. They need me. I'm sorry for whatever I did. I…I can get you a job working at my office. Pays real well and it's easy. Just don't hurt me."

Josh aimed at Sam's head. "Shut your fucking mouth. I'm going to blow your brains out and nothing you say will change my mind."

Sam dropped his gaze to the ground. "Not in front of my little girl. Just… let them go inside first."

Josh gave Alyssa a look of betrayal. He waved his hand. "Go!"

Alyssa took Ally by the hand and ran. Sam turned his face to her and mouthed three words, "I love you."

She was far from him but he could still see the tears pour down her face.

Ally fought Alyssa, trying to run the other way. Back to her hero. Back to the father that made her life brighter with the warmth of his smile. "Daddy!" She screamed.

"Go with your mother, sweetheart."

"No! Daddy…I'll save you from the monsters."

"I'll always be in your dreams, Ally. No one can take that away from us."

Her voice tore him apart more than anything had in his entire life. He had been so determined not to lead the same life as George, as Cale, to be in his daughter's life. To love her with everything he had, to make sure she knew he loved her. History was repeating itself. Pangs of hurt filled him up inside as his thoughts focused on his unborn son who would probably turn out just like him. Fatherless. Filled with hate for the world. Alone.

"Hey! Over here!" Josh yelled.

Sam turned his face back to Josh. He dropped to his knees and felt the dewy grass beneath him, the wind on his skin. He closed his eyes. He had gone through so much already. Death couldn't really be that bad, could it? His father handled it like a man. It was time Sam did too.

_-x-_

_She was six in his mind, smiling to reveal the teeth her father had broken. And then seamlessly she was sixteen, staring at him under the weeping willow from the picnic table at the high school. It was summer and he had never hated George so much, yelling at him for leaving him behind all those years._

_-x-_

"_You didn't give a shit about anything I did up until today!"_

"_Well, I apologize for everything up until today. Today I give a shit!"_

"_Yeah, well, you're too fucking late!" _

_-x-_

_He was sitting across from George in the little, shithole of a garage. "How do you turn into something you're not?"_

"_What would you like to be?"_

"_What I'm not."_

"_What are you now?"_

_Sam could find no other answer and he was ashamed to admit it. "I'm nothing."_

"_That's not true." George said consolingly. _

_-x-_

_He didn't feel like nothing when he kissed Alyssa. When every line of her body fit against his own and her lips moved in harmony with his, he felt like everything he always wanted to be. _

_-x-_

_The feeling of betrayal as George told Sam the truth. "I'm having a problem with Cancer."_

_Sam wanted to tear him apart._

_-x-_

_George smiled up from his bed, his skin colorless, dark circles under his steel gray eyes. "Finish it, Sam."_

_He wrapped his arms around his father. George couldn't really respond to the hug, he was using his remaining pieces of life breathing. He wrapped his arms around his skinny son. "You need to eat something, Sam. You're wasting away."_

_Sam's tears soaked George's hospital gown. "Look who's talking." He said with the slightest humor._

"_I love you, Sam." _

_Robin visited George the next morning. They exchanged their last few words. Robin went to grab some food for herself. He slipped into a deep sleep before he died. The best way to go. She knew he wasn't awake, but maybe somewhere he could hear her, could see her. She watched the video of Sam's sixth birthday with him. When the last shot of Sam's face filled the camcorder screen, a toothless grin and adorable blue-green eyes and slowly faded to black she couldn't hear him breathe anymore. _

_-x-_

_It was after George's funeral. Alyssa's head was on Sam's lap. Her eyes were shut and endless rivers poured out from underneath her lashes. He brushed the hair from her forehead, wiped away the tears. _

_-x-_

_It was their first time. She smiled up at him, her skin flushed in the afterglow. She traced the edge of his mouth with her thumb. He kissed her._

_-x-_

_He was lying in bed with her and they were deciding what to name their little accident."Jacob." She said softly._

_And barely a week later Jacob didn't exist anymore and she cried in his arms. _

_-x-_

_The day he tried to kill himself, her face turning into a blur as he slipped away._

_-x-_

_Making love to her again. _

_-x-_

_She looked at him; they ran down the aisle, showered with flower petals. They covered her veil. She laughed._

_-x-_

_Ally laughing as he spun her around. _

_-x-_

_Lying in bed with Alyssa, feeling their little boy move under his palms. _

He smiled. Even when felt the barrel of the gun press into his hair. Life hadn't always been kind to him. But in the past few years it had great, heaven on earth. He'd see George again and for that he was glad. Josh's finger brushed up against the trigger. Sam held his breath. And…

The gunshot was like a clap of thunder during a storm. It filled every inch of the air with its sound. A flock of birds flew out of the tree branches, speckling cloudless blue.

And a little girl stopped believing in fairytales.


	71. You Are the Only Exception

**A/N: Hope everyone had a nice 4****th**** of July. I sure did. Beach, fireworks, getting wasted. Almost dying on the highway, lmao. Listening to Prince squeal like a girl on the car radio. Me and my amigas singing at the top of our lungs to Avril Lavigne. Yup, it was definitely fun. One more chappie to the end. Yay!**

Part IV

Chapter Seventy-One

You Are the Only Exception

_When I was younger I saw my daddy cry  
and curse at the wind.  
He broke his own heart and I watched  
as he tried to reassemble it._

And my momma swore  
that she would never let herself forget.  
And that was the day that I promised  
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling,  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere  
deep in my soul  
that love never lasts.  
And we've got to find other ways  
to make it alone.  
Or keep a straight face.  
And I've always lived like this  
keeping a comfortable distance.  
And up until now I've sworn to myself  
that I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.  
You are the only exception.

_Paramore-The Only Exception_

It was painless. The sound of the bullet leaving the barrel and into the open air filled Sam's ears. He felt something spray onto him. His own blood?

He opened his eyes. He wasn't even sure he still had eyes, or anything at all. But he could see. His ears rang and then he was deaf. He looked up at Josh who had the gun pointed to his own temple, eyes frozen dead ahead. The entire right side of his head was gone, left only with pulpy gray matter and a collapsed skull. Blood gushed out of his nose and mouth. Then his arm dropped to his side, limp. His fingers loosened and the gun fell onto the grass.

Sam knew Josh was dead, but for some reason he felt as if those motionless eyes were staring at him, burning holes into him as Josh fell onto the ground. The grass turned a deep red underneath him.

Sam was still deaf. He couldn't hear anything. It was as if the world had stopped making sound. He felt the air fill his lungs with urgency, his chest heaving in horror at what he just witnessed. He was dizzy, the world blurring, his head spinning. He clamped a hand over his mouth to stop the gagging. But it was no use, he vomited onto the lawn.

He didn't feel sick anymore. Instead he saw her face fill up his field of vision. She wasn't really there, but she was all he could see. He had to make sure she was okay.

Sam ran back to the house, bursting inside with such might that the door threatened to come off its hinges.

"Alyssa!" He called out to her.

Colleen appeared like lightning. Her hand was over her mouth to stifle her sobbing. "Oh, Sam…" her voice barely above a whisper. She rushed forward and threw her arms around him. He was surprised at first. He didn't think she liked him much. Then again, Sam didn't think anyone loved him. He had never felt he was worthy of love. Her tight grip hurt him a little, he hadn't really fully healed from the attack. But nevertheless. Her display of affection moved him and he hugged her back. She cupped his face in a motherly way and showered him with kisses.

He managed a faint smile and kissed her cheek. "Is Alyssa okay?"

"Yes and no."

"No?" His heart dropped as he feared the worst.

"She's fine, but the stress was too much on her. She's in labor."

"Where is she?"

"On the living room couch."

He was there in an instant. She was lying on her side, sweat glazing her forehead. He was by her side. She smiled weakly and sat up. "Sam…you're…I heard the gunshot and I thought."

He gathered her up in his arms. "I told you I wouldn't leave you."

She breathed him in and buried her fingers in his hair.

"Are you in a lot of pain?"

Her voice was a whisper against the hollow of his neck. "It's nothing I can't handle."

He cupped her face and locked eyes with her. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for." She smiled.

He smiled back at her and feathered kissed over every inch of her face, her forehead, her cheeks, her nose. He kissed her softly on her raspberry lips.

x-x-x-x-x—xx-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Her screams chilled him to the bone. They didn't give her anything for the pain for the next 12 hours. He held her hand and she squeezed so hard he was sure she drew blood. He didn't care, no amount of pain she was inflicting on him could be even close to how much pain she was in.

His eyes flickered over to Colleen who was on the other side of Alyssa. "Is this normal?"

"I know it seems…extreme compared to the first time around. But I was just as bad with her."

"That's not even remotely comforting. How much longer does she have to put up with this?"

"Until her contractions are minutes apart. They can't give her an epidural until she's dilated enough."

"We've been here since this morning. It's past midnight. She's suffering."

Colleen was serious. "Well, maybe you should have thought of that when you asked her to have another baby."

And there it was again. Her resentment for him. "I'm sorry I took your daughter away from you. I know you don't like me very much and I can understand. I'm not the perfect knight in shining armor you wanted for her. But I love her and that should be enough for you."

"It is enough for me. I like you, Sam. You're a good kid. But you don't realize ho much pain a woman has to go through to have children. It was selfish of you to ask her so soon. She only said yes because she loves you. She did it for you. You're her world and she'll do anything to keep you happy because she knows you've rarely been happy in your life. She'd do anything for you and that worries me."

" And I'd do anything for her. That's the way it's supposed to be when you love someone. I know you went through some shit with her dad and you've probably never really experienced it. But that's the way it is. I'd die for your daughter, Mrs. Beck."

Colleen was silent for a moment. Alyssa propped herself on her elbows. "Mom, leave him alone. I chose him, okay? That should be enough. He's an angel. He's the sweetest guy I've ever known. And he's a good father. I love him."

Colleen nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me, mom. I've done this before. I'll be fine."

An hour later Alyssa was still waiting for the doctor's to tell her it was time. She was gripping the handrails on her bed, her knuckles turning white. Sam stroked her forehead comfortingly.

"I'm giving it another ten minutes and then I'm getting someone." Sam broke the silence.

"She wasn't this quiet the first time around." Clleen noted.

"Quiet? She was screaming bloody murder an hour ago." Sam smiled.

"Do you remember last time?" Colleen asked. "She threw her cup of ice at you. She was swearing at you the entire time."

Sam laughed. "How can I forget?"

He saw someone stop in the doorway from the corner of his eye and thought for a second it was her doctor. He looked over and was surprised to find Peter staring at him with guilt.

"The fuck?" Sam was confused.

Alyssa looked over, giving Peter the look of death. "Get out! Get the fuck out, you selfish fucking bastard!"

"I wanted to talk." He said softly.

"To talk? You will never lay a hand on him again! Get ouuutttt!"

Sam placed his hand on her shoulder. "Calm down. I'm gonna go and talk to him. Will you be okay?"

She looked into his eyes, her expression soft. She touched his face, her palm on his cheek. "You sure you wanna do this?"

"I have some things to say to him."

"Okay." She whispered.

"I'll be with you soon, love." He kissed her.

They walked out into the parking lot. Sam look pissed, but he kept his cool. "What do you want?"

"I want to…I'm sorry."

Sam motioned over to his ear. "What? You're what?"

"I'm sorry."

"Did Robin convince you to do this?"

"No. I…I decided myself."

Sam folded his arms across his chest. "What are you sorry for?"

"Don't be smug, okay. This hard for me."

"Hard for you? So all those times you beat the shit out of me, you don't think they were hard for me. All the shit you said behind my back? That wasn't hard for me? How you threatened to kick me out of the house when I was 17 and Alyssa was pregnant. You never thought about how hard that was for me? You made my life HELL and this is hard for YOU?"

"I'm sorry. I'm genuinely sorry. Please understand. My entire life my parents ignored me. They traveled the world and put me in boarding schools. So I thought the only way I could get them to pay attention to me was to be rich like them. I learned to buy people's affection. I bought you mother's. But then I saw how much she loved you. I was jealous. I wanted her all to myself."

Sam stared at Peter with muted anger. "You got your wish. No one knew I existed for ten years. Mom forgot all about me."

"No. She didn't. She thought about you every day. Every night she cried for you. No matter what I did, the first thing she thought about was you."

Sam looked at the orange hue of the clouds over the sunset. Then he looked back at Peter. "It's not an excuse. The way you treated me was unforgivable."

"I'm sorry. I'll never be like you, Sam. I'll never be half the man you are. You took all the shit in your life and made it something good. You have a maturity beyond your years. I'm proud to call you my son."

Sam's voice was laced with hate. "You're not my father and you'll never be my father."

"I know. I just want you to know that you'll never have to feel out of place around me again."

Sam heard a voice in his head and it sounded like George. "Be the bigger person. Forgive." He blinked away tears. "Thank you. I don't know what temporary insanity convinced me to do this, but I think I forgive you. But if you EVER treat me like that again…"

"I understand." He paused. "Can I see my grandkids?"

Sam furrowed his brows. "First of all, they're George's grand-kids. And you'll have to give it time. I don't know if I trust you around my children yet. God forbid you hit them."

Peter nodded. "Okay."

"Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go back to my wife." He turned on his heel. He wouldn't let Peter ruin his day. Not that it was great to begin with. Being almost shot to death wasn't a great way to start the day. As he walked past the waiting room where Robin was he saw Ally. She ran up to him.

"Daddy!"

He opened his arms and picked her up. "Hi, baby."

"Is Tyler here yet?"

He stroked her hair. "No. But soon."

"I prayeded for you, daddy."

He gazed into her blue-green eyes. "What?"

"When that bad man wanted to kill you…I prayeded that the angels come down from heaven and save you."

He kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

Robin walked over and took Ally from his arms. "Let your daddy go now."

He waved at both of them. He got back just in time for the epidural. Alyssa was sitting on the edge of the bed. He crouched by her and held her hand. "I love you." He whispered.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa collapsed back onto the bed, her face flushed and shiny with sweat. "I can't…"

Sam stroked her face. "Yes you can. I know you're tired, but you're almost there."

She shut her eyes and shook her head. "I don't have enough strength."

He kissed her forehead. "Don't give up. You can do it."

She opened her eyes weakly. "I don't know…

"I'll get you a huge banana split sundae as soon as it's all over. I promise you. Just hold on a little bit longer."

"Okay."

"Now hold my hand and squeeze as hard as you want."

She looked into his eyes with a trusting love. He smiled.

Then she knitted her brows together and pushed. She dug her nails into Sam's hand. He was a trooper though and said nothing. No amount of pain she was inflicting on him could ever come close to how much pain she was feeling right now.

She let out an ear piercing scream. Under those screams of pain Sam heard the unmistakable sound of a baby's cries. He sighed in relief. "Oh god."

Alyssa was laying on the bed in exhaustion. The doctor lifted a red baby into view and Sam started to cry.

"What does he look like?"

Sam half laughed, half cried, "Perfect."

Alyssa stretched her arms out. "Give me my baby."

The nurse handed her the whining infant. Alyssa feathered kisses over her daughter's face. The tiny thing opened his eyes, rimmed with thick auburn lashes. His eyes were violet.

Sam was silent, waterfalls running down his face. He ran a finger over his son's face. "Hi. Hi cutie." He said tenderly.

All of Sam's family gathered into the room, taking pictures and laughing. Sam was overjoyed he didn't die that morning. God had saved him again. Despite what he thought all those years ago, he was lucky. He was the luckiest man on Earth.


	72. Where it is you Stay

_**A/N: Okay, so I lied. This isn't the last chapter. I just couldn't fit all the ideas in my head into one chapter. It would've been a twenty page chappie, and that's just a lot to take in. Sorry I took so long to update. I just got hit with this serious bout of writer's block. I mean, really bad. If you're not in the mood to cry this chapter may not be the greatest way to pass the time. Most of it is just cute and lovey-dovey. But the last few paragraphs are a bit sad. I was kind of tearing a little writing it. But anyway, after much delay…**_

_Part IV_

_Chapter Seventy-two_

_Where it is you Stay_

_I Wonder what you do and where it is you stay  
These questions like a whirlwind, they carry me away_

_Who will bring me flowers when it's over?_  
_And who will give me comfort when it's cold?_  
_Who will I belong to when the day just won't give in?_  
_And who will tell me how it ends and how it all begins?_

_Don't ever say goodbye_

_"Flowers For A Ghost-Thriving Ivory"_

_Maybe one day he'd swim in the sea again, __drawing his last broken breaths, with his face to the sky remembering the day he turned six and his father took him to the waves._

_That memory was becoming less and less clear. Sam needed it to be clear. He needed to remember a time when his soul didn't ache, when it didn't hurt just to breathe. _

_He lay on the tiled floor of the kitchen. It was cool against his cheek. He could feel the anger rush through his veins, his blood like lava inside him. He wondered if Peter had broken a bone this time. Maybe if Sam hadn't opened his smart mouth, he wouldn't be here, but there were only so many times he could stand Peter calling him a fag to his face. This time when Peter insulted him, Sam called him a wrinkly limp-dick fuck. He remembered smiling smugly at Peter's red face and turning away. He shouldn't have been so arrogant. Peter pulled out a 24 inch wrench from one of the kitchen drawers. But Sam didn't see that with his back turned. Instead he only felt the mind-numbing pain of repeated blows against his body. It hurt so much that he couldn't hear and he couldn't see. There was only the pain. The floor rose up to meet him and he fell onto his side. But he would never be mute. It didn't matter how many times his wise ass comments got the shit kicked out of him. Peter would never win. Never._

The sun's ray broke through the wide open windows of the finished house.

It had been three days since George died. Those three days Sam spent in Alyssa's bed, sleeping the empty hours away. Her embrace brought him solace.

That morning when he woke up her arms were around him. He could feel her press kisses to his chest, her hands leaving soft caresses on his back. Sam stroked her hair.

"I love you, Sam."

He had said it to her so many times he'd lost count. By the fifth time he had given up on hearing her say it back. So when she whispered it softly to him he felt almost as if the broken pieces of his heart were healing.

It seemed in that moment that life didn't take everything from him. It had taken his happiness from him, his sanity, and his strength. It had taken his father. But it would never take away Alyssa's love.

He closed his eyes, taking solace in her touch. Sleep.

The sound of a baby's crying woke him from his dream. Alyssa was fast asleep beside him, tangled up in his arms. He got out of bed carefully and put on a t-shirt walking sleepily to Tyler's room. He reached into Tyler's crib and picked up the crying boy. "Shhhh." He soothed.

Tyler continued to cry. Sam touched the strawberry blond fuzz on his son's head, his lips pressing a comforting kiss on the wisps of hair. "What is it?"

He rocked Tyler, but it didn't stop the crying. "Okay, we'll go to the kitchen and feed you. I know you prefer mommy, but she's tired."

He warmed a bottle of milk in the microwave. Then he sat down in the kitchen chair, cradling the agitated infant in his arm. Tyler quieted once fed and Sam closed his eyes, exhausted.

"Aren't you two just the cutest thing?" Alyssa startled him. He opened his eyes.

"I didn't want to wake you up."

"Tyler's ear-shrilling crying did it anyway."

Sam smiled sleepily. 'I guess he takes after his father."

Alyssa beamed. "That means we're gonna have our hands full."

"I can't wait." Sam said tenderly.

She kissed his cheek before sitting down beside him and watching him hold Tyler. "I'm so happy." She said dreamily.

"Well…naturally."

"No, I mean, I'm happy my children have you as a father."

He looked at her lovingly "Oh?"

"I never had that, you know. A good father. So it makes me happy that they have you. You're wonderful."

The kitchen light was dim, but she could see a blush rise on his cheeks. "I…uh. Thanks."

She laughed softly. "Still like an awkward teenager, though."

"I just don't know how to take that stuff. Growing up, no one was all that nice to me."

"People get caught up in their own problems. They forget you along the way. But that doesn't mean you're not special."

"I love you." He replied.

She smiled.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Hours later he lay in her arms, still heady with the afterglow.

"Go to sleep, Sam. Tyler's probably gonna wake us up again in an hour."

Sam smiled. "Well maybe I'd be asleep if we weren't fucking for three hours."

She laughed softly against his chest. "You loved every moment of it. And You started it. I was about to fall into blissful sleep and you just started loving me without my permission."

"I've been deprived for a month."

"Well, my doctor said we weren't supposed to do anything for six weeks after I had Tyler."

"I know, I know. Still doesn't change the fact that I was deprived."

"We'll more than make up for lost time." She said seductively.

She heard his chuckle.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Alyssa stroked Sam's hair. He was fast asleep, en entire month of sleepless nights painting dark circles under his eyes.

Sam slept through breakfast and woke up just in time for lunch. Alyssa was setting plates on the dining room table and Sam sauntered in, hair disheveled, eyes half lidded, and clothed only in boxers.

Ally who was helping Alyssa giggled. "Daddy, you look funny!"

"Sam! Put some clothes on."

"Oh. Sorry."

He returned a minute later and plopped himself down in a chair.

Alyssa smirked at him, "You're not gonna help me set up?"

He gave her a sour look and she was reminded of the time when he was a surly teen. "No. I'm freaking exhausted."

"Well that's what you get with kids. Second thoughts about your decision?"

He smiled. "Never."

Ally climbed up onto his lap. "Can you play dress-up with me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Dress-up? And what exactly does that entail?"

"Tea parties, princesses."

Alyssa sat down by Sam. "Oh goody. I'll get the camcorder."

"Video? That worries me a little."

She smiled. "It should."

x-x—x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Sam almost pissed himself when he saw his reflection in the mirror. What the fuck had she done to him?

'Aww, daddy you look so pretty."

She had put one of her plastic tiaras on him, a pair of hot pink dangly clip on earrings, Alyssa's silky floral robe. But that wasn't even the worst part. She had caked on bright green eye make-up on his eyelids, bright coral pink blush on his cheeks, and fire engine red lipstick on his mouth. He saw Alyssa's reflection behind him in the mirror. She pointed and laughed, bent over at the waist. Tears spilled out from her eyes. "Oh, Sam. You look so beautiful."

He flipped her off.

"Daddy, wait I'm not finished!"

"Oh, Jesus. There's more."

"I have to give you a name."

He sighed. 'Alright, what's my name?"

"Princess Abigail."

He shut his eyes and palmed his forehead. "God help me."

"No, daddy. Princesses don't act like that."

He looked at her with an expressionless face. "How do you want me to act, sweetheart?"

"Well, Princess Abigail should twirl her dress around and sing a song."

Alyssa was laughing at him. When he shot her a venomous glare, she put her hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry. Continue."

He sighed, lifting the robe and twirling around femininely and singing Mulan's Reflection.

Alyssa laughter was deafening. He stopped. "I'm going to kill you."

"Oh, I am so scared of you….Princess Abigail." She cracked up.

"I'm dead serious." He threw the tiara at her.

"You fight like a girl, Sam."

He unclipped the earrings and took of the robe. "You wanna know how I really fight?"

She was still laughing. "I dare you."

He broke into a full-speed run toward her. She yelped as he crashed into her and knocked her to the ground, pinning her. He tickled her on her arms and she screamed.

"Oh, Sam stop it!" She begged. "You call that fighting?"

He stopped, grabbing her wrists. His lips crashed onto hers. She melted into the kiss, burying her fingers in his hair and wrapping her legs around his waist. She laughed into his mouth and broke away. "I think we should continue this when we don't have an audience."

He smiled. "Probably."

"You make a pretty girl."

His eyes looked positively devilish. He whispered through upward curled lips. "Fuck you."

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Around dinnertime the doorbell chimed. Sam opened the door and saw Amber. She was in her forties now, but still looked like she was thirty-five. "Say hi to Sam, Lily." She said to the four month old baby girl in her arms. Sam smiled from ear to ear and waved to Lily. "Hi, cutestuff."

He looked back at Amber. 'I was right about the whole marriage and baby thing. You owe me 50."

"The bet was in five years, it's been ten, so I don't owe you a thing." She brushed a curl from Lily's forehead. "And I was right about you finding a girl. Looks like you're not a terminal bachelor."

"No. Married with two amazing kids."

She grinned. "You want more?"

"Of course I do. All I've ever wanted is a house full of children with Alyssa."

"I don't think she'd like that. I mean, I'm a grown ass woman who's been waiting for babies for a while. So I fine with having like six kids. But she's still young. And it's probably been difficult for her."

"I always feel guilty afterwards. Ally was an accident. And I practically begged her to have Tyler. She's never had a baby because _she_ wanted to. I feel like an asshole."

"You shouldn't. It may not always be easy, but being pregnant is an amazing experience for a woman."

"So I'm not a complete jerk?"

"No."

He smiled devilishly. "I can't wait to knock her up again."

Amber laughed and started mocking Sam openly to Lily. "He's a little crazy isn't he?

As soon as Amber got settled in the doorbell rang again. Alyssa answered and screamed as soon as she saw who it was. Amanda stood on the threshold with a baby of her own. Alyssa jumped up and down excitedly like a school girl. "Oh my God, it's been forever!"

Amanda smiled, revealing her perfectly straight white teeth. The one year old in her arms was dressed impeccably, just like her. "I've missed you Alyssa." She said.

Alyssa pressed a kiss to Amanda's cheek. "I've missed you too. The last time I saw you, I didn't even have Ally yet."

"We need to catch up."

Later as all of them sat around the dinner table Amanda and Amber filled Sam and Alyssa in on their lives. For Amber, life took a turn for the better when a new teacher joined the art department at O.C. High. He was about her age, with shaggy blond hair and green eyes. He asked her out on a date and before they knew it they were married and expecting.

Amanda on the other hand had spent the first half of the decade afraid to love again. Richard left a mark on her, haunted her. But 5 years ago she ran into an aspiring musician in an airport and they hit it off.

The blast from the past reminded Sam of something he had been meaning to do for years. Something he needed to do. But something he could never bring himself to do.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

The earth was soft under his boots as he walked up the grassy hill to some headstones. He wasn't visiting his father this time. Instead he stopped at the tiny slab next to George's plot.

He had brought a box along. He opened it and pulled out a story book, one he had written years ago.

"_Maybe one day we can read it to our little boy."_

His voice was barely above a whisper when he broke the silence. "I never got to give this to you."

Sam placed it on the grass. "I know you probably think I forgot about you. But I haven't. I think about you every day. When the world is quiet, I think about you. What we never got to have. When your brother and sister are old enough, I'll tell them about you. How much I loved you. How much I miss you."

He blinked away tears. "I brought you something else."It was a pencil drawing of a little boy who looked much like himself. Behind the boy was a smiling Sam. "Alyssa really wanted you to look like me, so that's how I drew you. I wish I could've seen your face. Just one time. I'd give anything."

He dug at the ground and covered the drawing and the book with dirt. "I'll try to visit more often. I just couldn't, you know? It hurts. But you deserve it."

He pressed his fingers to his lips, then placed his fingers against the little headstone. "I love you."

Under his touch there was the engraved writing, _Jacob Monroe. __May the wind always be on your back and the sun upon your face and may the winds of destiny carry you aloft to dance with the stars._

And only one date. The day Jacob was lost to them forever._ September 18, 2001._

Thefresh tattoo stung under his shirt. Simple black calligraphy spelled out Jacob over Sam's shoulder blade. Even though his little boy never got the chance to breathe he would always be a part of Sam. And there was no other way to remind Sam of that then to have it permanently painted onto his body.

"_When the world is quiet, I think about you. I think about you every day."_


	73. Epilogue

**A/N: ****So it's finally the end. I'm so sad. Relieved, but sad. I'll miss getting into the minds of all the characters, especially Sam and Alyssa. Anyway, I hope people enjoyed reading this. Next victim to fanfic: "**_**Remember Me" **_**with good old RPattz. Have a great rest of the Summer.**

~*~Epilogue ~*~

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

_And all I can taste is this moment_  
_And all I can breathe is your life_  
_'Cause sooner or later it's over_  
_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

_And I don't want the world to see me_  
_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_  
_When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

_I just want you to know who I am_

_"Iris- Goo Goo dolls"  
_  
The beach was peacefully silent, the only noise was the hum of the ocean's waves, rolling and crashing into rocky cliffs that were turned golden by the rays of an overhead sun. A little boy's laughs permeated the air. He ran barefoot in the sand, his black hair ruffling in the wind, his blue-green eyes sparkling in the summer sunlight. A man with curly black hair ran after him.

"Sam! Wait for me!" George called out.

"Daddy!" Little Sam answered. He stopped running and waited for George to scoop him up in his arms. He felt George cradle the back of his head and he pressed his cheek to his father's chest serenely. The spray of the ocean was cool against him.

Sam blinked and he was on the same stretch of beach twenty years later. It looked the same.

Ally was singing and dancing on the sand, twirling her ruffled bathing suit. Alyssa was whispering something to baby Tyler, every bit as beautiful as when they were sixteen. She was wearing a sexy one pieced red bathing suit, her hair down in loose waves, brushing her creamy shoulders as she played with Tyler. She sensed Sam's stare and looked up. Her eyes met his and she smiled. She took Tyler's hand and waved to Sam. "Say hi to daddy. Hi, daddy. Hi."

He smiled at them and the warmth he felt had nothing to do with the sunshine. He stroked the strawberry blond curls on Tyler's head and Tyler responded with a giggle, his blue eyes disappearing between think lashes.

Alyssa looked at Sam quietly. He kissed her softly and felt her cheek under his touch as she sighed into his mouth.

When he pulled away Ally ran up to him. "I'm Princess Ariel."

"You wanna go swimming?"

"Yeah!" She jumped up and down excitedly.

He picked her up and she squealed. "Hold on tight, love."

Every so often the current lifted his feet off the ocean floor. Ally's arms were wrapped around his neck and she stared at the ocean surrounding them in wonder. Every time the waves came down on them she would scream.

"Are you scared?"

"No."

Alyssa smiled at the view, much like Robin had twenty years prior on Sam's birthday. Alyssa pulled out the camcorder and started filming.

When the waves were calmer Sam kissed Ally's face. "Don't ever forget that I love you."

"I won't, daddy." She said softly.

Somewhere in a distant stretch of time in the same ocean on the same beach, a six year old boy named Sam smiled in his father's arms. He smiled because the world was right again.

And somewhere the sound of a voice long gone filled the air_. "If you were a house, Sam. This is where you would wanna be built. On rock, facing the sea, listening, listening…"_

**F I N**


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